Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

I would send one message around the time he is due home to say that you have left and will not be returning. You are all safe and will be in touch about him seeing the children but to please give you all some space until you contact him in a couple of weeks. Then mute his messages. I predict that he will drive straight over and cause a 'fuss' and refuse to leave until you speak to him. He will start with promises, cajoling, tears and may then move on to threats of harming himself and will then get angry. I wouldn't speak to him but ask him to leave. Call the police if he doesn't. I wouldn't let him into the house.

The reason I would mute and not block is so you can see what he is messaging and have a record in case you need it for evidence further down the line. I don't think he will let you go easily. His behaviour will show you that you were right to leave.

Can you tell I have been through all this? Hopefully I am just projecting my experiences and he will respond in a calm, if upset manner

Hi op,
Just came across this thread. Just wanted to say how amazing you are for finding the strength and courage to leave. You have done a fantastic thing for your children and also for you.
It's going to be tough, you know that, there will be a lot of anger, apologies, threats, manipulation from him, he will try every trick in the book with get you back, just remember you are strong, you can face whatever he throws at you.
You and your children deserve a life free from abuse.
Of course the children will be upset, there will be conflicting feelings, but you know why you are doing this and you know this is the best thing you can do for their future.
Stay strong op you can do this.

Also just want to add, this thread shows the best of Mumsnet, all you fantastic women supporting.

Just read this whole thread! You are amazing! You’ve done it! Stick to it. The kids might be hurting now but in the long run they will be happier and living in a stress free house.

The kids sobbed for ten minutes and then asked to go to the park. I'm shocked! Going to spend a couple hours doing my research about how to best handle things now. Thanks so much for every single piece of advice x

Hey op - I've had years to reflect on the end of my marriage. I don't regret it at all. The life the kids and I have has been totally worth it.

At the time of the split I was terrified. I thought I would be punished for eternity or at least exh made me feel like that. Guess what I wasn't!!!

So much post split was a revelation. Single parenting is arduous in the task/organisational sense but after a crap marriage it's very liberating too. At one point I had £40 a week to live on and a load of boots points for emergencies. I had to learn in a flash how to manage very little money. I learned an awful lot from mn and other single mums. 2012/2013 toughened me up like you can't imagine. There will be highs and lows to come yet.

I promise you it will be ok though. I'm closer to my children abs more in tune with them than I ever imagined. We are a team in a way we weren't before. Kids are flourishing at school and amazing at home. They come first and never have to worry about this.

Hope you are ok xxx

Thank you for sharing your story, it really does fill me with hope and I'm so proud of you getting to this point! I bet you feel so free!! Made me laugh about the boots points for emergencies as one thing I made sure I packed was my coop dividend card as there's £15 points on there I could use on food if I absolutely need it. X

I've broken their hearts

You absolutely haven't. He has. You have saved them. They will respect you for this forever, but, just like you, they will have shock feelings to start with. Hold them close.

@MancMale46

Get off social media. It is the curse of all relationships. Concentrate on being happy and investing time in said relationship. Get off social.

This.

Social media is such an empty exercise. The OP is already developing a complex that is causing some doubt about the relationship. Couples who are active on social media are normally doing so to 'prove' something about their relationship, whether they admit it or not. These couples are unhappy or insecure in some way and seek social media validation. Most happy, well adjusted people focusing on their own relationship simply wouldn't have the time for continuous gushing to a bunch of acquaintances on a random online platform.

Absolutely none.

In terms of money, these people may be able to help.

www.moneyadviceplus.org.uk/advice-and-support/domestic-abuse-money-education-project/

@alm23x ah no worries. I think you don't understand how capable and responsible you are until there's no choice. Great news that your mum will be around in the day for a bit too. I will be thinking of you this afternoon xx

Thank you Eckhart, will keep them in mind. Just waiting on a call from SSAFA which is a military support charity (I think it's a charity). Guy on webchat said there should be support I can access so just now waiting on that call. Have emailed my local WA about communication advice. Would've preferred to ring them but ive got the kids with me so want to limit how much they hear.

One tip I will share is make up a euphemism for exh. My kids were with me all the time when I split. I had to talk about exh or lose my mind. My friend suggested we call him the name of the idiot in beauty and the beast in front of the children. It stuck abs he's still called that 8 years on!!

That's brilliant lol!

@alm23x

Thank you all for the advice. No the children aren't at school tomorrow as we are now 35 miles away from the village. I'm having the same "was it that bad?" Thoughts creeping in this morning. I think it's because alot of his abuse was small daily things that escalated and built up over the years so when I think about writing them down I think it's going to seem silly to people. If I could write a list that said "called me names every day and occasionally hit me" it would seem much easier. I know deep down that it is bad enough but it does keep crossing my mind. I really don't think there's any going back from calling women's aid, handing my notice in and leaving this way anyway, even if he did make me question my choice! X

I don't know if this is even helpful but does it have to be 'that bad'?? What even is 'that bad'? Where do you draw the line to quantify it?

From what you've told us, it actually was really bad, but really, it's enough to say you weren't happy, and that's why you've left. You don't have to justify the decision by reaching some kind of accepted standard of 'bad enough'.

That's exactly what the lady I've just spoken to on the phone said from a charity I contacted. Just me being unhappy is reason enough.

I don't suppose anyone knows, and I am calling UC later so I could ask them...but if they say I only need a 2 bed, but I decide to move into a 3 bed (there's 2 bed houses for £575PCM and 3 beds for £600??!) Surely it makes sense for me to go 3 bed...do they deduct what they will give you or would I receive the same as if I was in a 2 bed and just be expected to pay the extra 25 myself? I don't understand how it all works, this might not even make sense lol x

Social media is such an empty exercise. The OP is already developing a complex that is causing some doubt about the relationship. Couples who are active on social media are normally doing so to 'prove' something about their relationship, whether they admit it or not. These couples are unhappy or insecure in some way and seek social media validation. Most happy, well adjusted people focusing on their own relationship simply wouldn't have the time for continuous gushing to a bunch of acquaintances on a random online platform.

I’m not sure whether you are spectacularly missing the point - in this instance, SM could be replaced by any form of communication with anyone outside the relationship, ie one partner querying who is calling/sending texts etc to the other partner and why - or affirming that the OH in this scenario is clearly not happy and well adjusted in the relationship to be looking at SM.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/benefits/how_many_bedrooms_you_can_claim_benefits_for

This has links with info about bedroom tax (I've what gets deducted from your benefits if you have more bedrooms than they say you need)

I've been reading your thread over the last couple of days. I am so impressed with how quickly you've seen the reality, put a plan in place and carried out that plan.

This is the start of your bright new life, and that of your DC too. You've done a really good thing. I wish you well.

Bedroom tax doesn't apply to private let's.

Uc will give you what that local housing allowance for your assessed need I believe.

In the situation you describe you pay the £25 yourself.

He knows

Literally feel so sick. He's saying it wasn't that bad, how could I do this in this way, things have been ok, he's been getting help, he wants the kids, come back etc. I'm assuming anger will come in the next couple hours when he realises being sad is getting him nowhere. He said I sound cold and like I don't care. I'm just being blunt and to the point with him

Remember you do not have to justify anything to him or make him understand.

Grey rock will now be your friend. He can email and you will respond if it is about the kids. Ignore anything else

Yes the anger will come next. Most likely he'll throw the blame back at you.
Stay strong, you've done so well