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Original poster

Sexless marriage

79 replies

brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 03:47

30+ married 10 yrs
Kids

He’s a great dad and we have a decent 50/50 partnership as parents.

We have no sex or cuddles or kisses. I do t remember the last time we kissed.

I want sex but he’s lost all interest
He’s already told me he’s only here for the kids and I feel the same to an extent, but get really sad when I remember how we used to be. Happy, smitten, he would spoil me etc. Now we have a friendship and we live in the same house.

I have got my libido back after years of depression and birth trauma. And he has lost his.

My question is

Do you have a sexless marriage?
Can they last?
Are you happy?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 08/11/2020 04:11

I'm afraid his comment about only being there for the kids would force my hand and I'd be looking to divorce him.

You're only in your 30s! If you were 75 then I'd say fine...(but even then it's a bit shit!)

I'd be telling him to attend counselling with you or divorce. Sexless marriages can only work and last if both parties are not interested in sex.

Original poster
brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 04:15

Yeah it’s all a bit stale. We do enjoy going for walks on the beach and grabbing coffee while kids are at school but that’s it. He hasn’t slept in our bed for years and chooses to sleep on the couch. He said sometimes we need to put our own needs aside for the sake of our children and keeping them in a stable environment. I see his point but at the same time I don’t want to waste anymore of my time with someone who doesn’t actually want me in any sense of the word. I e suggested couples counselling but he sees it as a big failure and refuses to go.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 08/11/2020 04:22

The kids will leave home at some point..and where will that leave you? In a loveless marriage with no sex.

Is he using porn? I ask this because an otherwise healthy young male should be interested in sex...porn use can really effect their libido with a real woman...they get heavily into masturbation and only that sorts them out.

Or is he ill or overweight?

Original poster
brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 04:28

I’m sure he uses porn and he’s happy for me to give him oral and literally comes in seconds, but sex and intimacy that involves my vagina are off limits. He’s in his 40s and isn’t overweight so maybe he just hates being intimate with me?

OP posts:
wirldsgonemad · 08/11/2020 04:29

Do you think he's having an affair? Or gay?

Original poster
brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 04:36

He was pretty red blooded in the early days and I found his porn search history years ago and it was all typical hetero guy stuff so I doubt he’s gay ( it has crossed my mind though) he doesn’t spend enough time away from me to be cheating on me although we have had issues with trust in the past and I have a niggling suspicion he’s cheated or wanted to in the past. I’m not unattractive, a bit overweight, but I’m pretty and I dress well. I do think he has just fallen out of love with me and what can I do abt that?

OP posts:
WorldsSmallestGiant · 08/11/2020 06:56

OP, you stated that: “I have got my libido back after years of depression and birth trauma. And he has lost his.”

Could he be punishing you (either knowingly or subconsciously) for being the cause of the sexless marriage in the past by him being the cause of it now?

I think whatever the reason though, you need to go to marriage counselling/sex therapy together. You could just book it, tell him you expect him to come with you if he cares about you and your marriage, and if he refuses go anyway - noting that if he won’t go that tells you quite a lot in itself.

Good luck.

Muchadoaboutlife · 08/11/2020 06:58

You can’t really do anything and this is all a bit pointless. Time to move on and give yourself the chance to find somebody who wants you

sparklefarts · 08/11/2020 07:01

I wouldn't describe this as a sexless marriage I would describe this as an over marriage.

He's already said he doesn't want to be with you. How do you come back from that?

ivykaty44 · 08/11/2020 07:03

word. I e suggested couples counselling but he sees it as a big failure and refuses to go.

Doesn’t he see divorce as a big failure then? As you can file for divorce for unreasonable behaviour and even sight the refusal to go to couples therapy as just that. Along with a sexless marriage and sleeping on the couch rather than the marriage bed

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/11/2020 07:03

I also picked up on your comment that you’ve just got your sex drive back - rather than punishing you, could he be struggling after years of being rejected by you, and now you’re up for it again he can’t just switch it back on? Was there a long period where he was trying to initiate intimacy and sex with you but being turned down? Sounds like he’s been the one who’s stuck around whilst you’ve been depressed and rejecting him (though not saying you didn’t have valid reasons) I’ve been the partner who’s being constantly rejected and it’s really soul destroying, you back off more and more to save yourself the misery of being turned down again and walls can go up. Counselling could really help if you’re both willing to try.

gungholierthanthou · 08/11/2020 07:04

At your age you're too young to settle for this. Either get him to go to couples therapy or call it a day.

I too am in an almost sexless marriage, I'm twenty years older than you and it makes me so sad. The difference is I do know my husband loves me despite his low libido.

You mention childbirth trauma. Did you have a very gory birth that he was present at? I'm wondering if he was also traumatised by the birth, and subsequently affected by your reaction to it, and this is at the root of it? If so then therapy should help.

Either way, don't just settle for this being the way it has to be, things won't improve and you'll still be miserable twenty years down the line.

FippertyGibbett · 08/11/2020 07:12

Please end it - don’t waste your life on him. You’ll look back in 10, 20 years and wish you’d gone.

FippertyGibbett · 08/11/2020 07:15

I’ve put up with years of a poor sex life due to his nightly bottle of wine and antidepressants. We are two people living in a house together who used to have a great sex life. He was told years ago by his psychotherapist to get Viagra, he didn’t bother.
If I had my time again I’d go when his anxiety was at its worst.
Don’t have regrets like me.

edwinbear · 08/11/2020 10:00

I’m sure he’s happy to let you give him a BJ! What do you get out of that?

I’ll just put this out there as I’m in a very similar situation, sexless for 4-5yrs but neither of us want to divorce for the DC and the financial implications. We’re discussing opening our marriage. Not for the faint hearted but I think it might work for us.

Original poster
brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 10:16

@edwinbear

I’m sure he’s happy to let you give him a BJ! What do you get out of that?

I’ll just put this out there as I’m in a very similar situation, sexless for 4-5yrs but neither of us want to divorce for the DC and the financial implications. We’re discussing opening our marriage. Not for the faint hearted but I think it might work for us.

I think there are many people out there in this kind of circumstance. I like him and we work really well together our of the bedroom, so it would be sad to break it up. I’ve suggested when I had depression and no sex drive years ago that he could find someone if no strings were attached and as long as he told me and was honest with me. He maybe did, I’m not sure! But he certainly didn’t tell me about it. I just felt terrible for him as he was nagging every single week and I had no idea what I could do except open my legs and cringe. 😣. Anyways he has already said his reason for acting the s way is those years where I was not interested in sex and that I just have to get on with it. But that solves nothing. Open marriage has often crossed my mind but I’m sure it’ll be just too complicated!
OP posts:
Original poster
brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 10:17

@FippertyGibbett

I’ve put up with years of a poor sex life due to his nightly bottle of wine and antidepressants. We are two people living in a house together who used to have a great sex life. He was told years ago by his psychotherapist to get Viagra, he didn’t bother. If I had my time again I’d go when his anxiety was at its worst. Don’t have regrets like me.
Is there no way out now? You sound really deflated 💐 xxxx
OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 08/11/2020 10:19

Haven't I read a longer version of this, today?
Leave him.

Bumpsadaisie · 08/11/2020 10:24

@brokencrayons

Yeah it’s all a bit stale. We do enjoy going for walks on the beach and grabbing coffee while kids are at school but that’s it. He hasn’t slept in our bed for years and chooses to sleep on the couch. He said sometimes we need to put our own needs aside for the sake of our children and keeping them in a stable environment. I see his point but at the same time I don’t want to waste anymore of my time with someone who doesn’t actually want me in any sense of the word. I e suggested couples counselling but he sees it as a big failure and refuses to go.
I can see that he would see counselling as a failure. But it's the reality he is hiding from. Your marriage is a failure at the mo and you both know it - he is sleeping on the couch and you have no sex life.

He has to face up to this reality.

Oblomov20 · 08/11/2020 10:28

"but neither of us want to divorce for the DC and the financial implications. "

What is the financial state OP?

Original poster
brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 10:49

He works. I’m unemployed actively looking. I’d struggle on my own. X

OP posts:
formerbabe · 08/11/2020 10:52

It doesn't really matter if randoms on the internet are happy with that set up. You're not happy by the sounds of it so that's all that's relevant.

BubblyBarbara · 08/11/2020 11:36

I honestly don’t see the problem. You say you get on well, he’s a good dad, and he has clearly struck by you through many years where you had no libido and he did. Maybe you could do him the same courtesy. There are hands and sex toys if you have the urge.

If you really can’t cope and need a romantic relationship then leave or have an affair.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 08/11/2020 11:44

What are you really hoping for here? Sorry to be blunt but he explicitly says he’s only with you for the kids, you don’t have any kind of a base for a relationship if that’s the only reason...any counselling is useless. And it’s teaching your kids a really shitty lesson about relationships, and they will feel guilty down the line for keeping you both together. You need to cut your losses, you will all be happier.

Original poster
brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 12:19

@Thisisnotnormal69

What are you really hoping for here? Sorry to be blunt but he explicitly says he’s only with you for the kids, you don’t have any kind of a base for a relationship if that’s the only reason...any counselling is useless. And it’s teaching your kids a really shitty lesson about relationships, and they will feel guilty down the line for keeping you both together. You need to cut your losses, you will all be happier.
I guess I was just hoping that he didn’t really mean what he said. He’s said it a couple of times in the heat of the moment. We don’t argue in front of the kids and we aren’t shitty to each other in front of them. So they don’t know the half of what’s actually going on. Apart from them see him sleep in the couch (he tells them it’s because he snores) so I don’t appreciate the comments saying this is affecting my kids. They are loved and have great parents in my husband and I.
OP posts: