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Relationships

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Original poster

Sexless marriage

79 replies

brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 03:47

30+ married 10 yrs
Kids

He’s a great dad and we have a decent 50/50 partnership as parents.

We have no sex or cuddles or kisses. I do t remember the last time we kissed.

I want sex but he’s lost all interest
He’s already told me he’s only here for the kids and I feel the same to an extent, but get really sad when I remember how we used to be. Happy, smitten, he would spoil me etc. Now we have a friendship and we live in the same house.

I have got my libido back after years of depression and birth trauma. And he has lost his.

My question is

Do you have a sexless marriage?
Can they last?
Are you happy?

OP posts:

Newwayofthinking · 08/11/2020 12:23

No, no, just no

So he is only with you because of the kids.

He gets oral, you get nothing

Jesus divorce his sorry arse.

Fudgsicles · 08/11/2020 12:38

"Do you have a sexless marriage?
Can they last?
Are you happy?"

I did
No
I wasn't

Fudgsicles · 08/11/2020 12:46

"I don’t appreciate the comments saying this is affecting my kids. They are loved and have great parents in my husband and I."

Don't kid youself. My exH slept on the sofa for the entire 10 years that we had kids. They never saw us share a bed, hold hands etc. After we split and I met someone else, DD assumed he'd stay over on the sofa and was surprised when I said DP would sleep in my bed and they have taken some getting used to DP and I holding hands and cuddling up etc. Ex and I sat on opposite ends of the sofa, DP and I cuddle in. DCs definitely struggled with it at first.

Children will mirror their parent's relationship. That knowledge is what made me end mine. Plus your DH will go as soon as your kids are grown up. Why wait for that.

SengaMac · 08/11/2020 12:48

Why would you want to do oral for someone who is so detached from you?

As a previous poster said - book counselling, ask him to go, if he won't then go on your own.
Getting counselling on your own will help you to think through the situation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2020 12:53

Brokencrayons

What do you get out of this relationship now?. There must be something you are still getting out of it otherwise why stay?

You can each still be great parents to your children when divorced too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do you want to teach them that a loveless relationship like this could become their norm too? Children should not be used as the glue here to bind you and he together. They also learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents.

And do not ever kid yourself either that because you do not argue and or fight in front of of each other they don’t know that you are unhappy. What’s even worse is that they could well blame their own selves for their parent’s unhappy marriage. Children are perceptive and do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here.

The two of you need to take a good and long hard look at yourselves, what are you both modelling to them?. Staying for what are really your own selfish based reasons (your husband in particular is guilty of doing this) is not good enough for you or your kids. Divorce is not failure, living in such unhappiness is.

FifteenToes · 08/11/2020 13:02

Sexless marriages can last, of course, but I've never heard of one making people happy.

It sounds pretty clearly like he checked out during the time that you were depressed, and ain't checkin' back in.

It's not going to get any better than this. It may well get a lot worse. Only you can say whether it's worth remaining in for what you believe it gives to your children.

RandomMess · 08/11/2020 14:21

I would divorce because your self esteem is going to end up on the floor over time and at some point one of you will meet someone else and it could become a nasty shit show.

The fact he already sleeps on the sofa means you could divorce fairly amicably whilst still living in the same house.

blindinglyobviouslight · 08/11/2020 15:12

If I were you I would:

get a job and keep all the money from it, or as much as I could, as my Escape Fund Savings. Work hard at the job with view to promotion/ progression.
Leave husband when I could afford to.
Have an affair whilst I was getting all this together. Someone who has told you they are only with you for the kids and who does not have sex with you and sleeps on the sofa is not someone you any longer have a fidelity obligation too. They have already ended the relationship.

You are far too young to give up on yourself and stay in a loveless/ sexless marriage.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 08/11/2020 18:42

In reply to your questions in your first post; I did have one, it limped on for approx 12 years before ending, no I wasn't really happy but it wasn't bad enough to break up the family while DC was young. I am much happier on my own and have options for the future, rather than being saddled with DH, who was bringing me down. Feel free and more authentically myself now.

YouJustDoYou · 08/11/2020 18:47

MIne would be happily sexless, but husband still needs it so I do it when he wants, about once a week, a bit less if I'm lucky. But that'sbecause I know he needs it - your husband has already given up, and won't do it, so you have a choice to make.

MintyCedric · 08/11/2020 18:49

He’s already told me he’s only here for the kids

Thats utterly cruel.

He's not staying with you for the kids, he's staying because it's a second wage, someone to do the grunt work of running a house and raising the kids and he gets to maintain his family man image. Don't even get me started on the fact you're still giving him oral and overlooking his porn habit.

Kick him to the kerb and make a new life for yourself...your kids will survive and thrive, you won't if you stay and you deserve better.

sage46 · 08/11/2020 19:22

I would say to him either you give couples counselling a go or get a divorce. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment on both sides in this relationship. You are already co parenting, so this could carry on once you've separated. Other posters are right when they say you are too young to settle for this.

doubleaces89 · 08/11/2020 19:55

Have your looks changed, have you put on weight, etc?

I say this because it could be a reason he's gone off you.

Original poster

brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 20:12

@doubleaces89

Have your looks changed, have you put on weight, etc?

I say this because it could be a reason he's gone off you.

Yes I’ve aged of course. I went from Being a size 6/8 to very recently a size 14. I’ve had eating disorders all my life. I do believe now I binge eat but I’m trying so hard to get a middle ground. I don’t love myself but I’m not ugly. I have lung natural brown hair and nice skin and a nice shapely figure. I try to dress nice and wear make up. I’m no oil painting but I’m not that bad. I do wonder if he just orders really really skinny girls

OP posts:

Original poster

brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 20:16

*prefers

OP posts:

Otterhound · 08/11/2020 20:37

When you didn't want sex was counselling suggested?

I guess from his perspective you enforced as sexless marriage and then all of a sudden want sex again and are now cross he now wants a sexless marriage.

Basically he no longer fancies you or see’s you as a sexual partner. For all your sakes best to separate

Nikki112 · 08/11/2020 20:48

I think the question is are you happy?
You are only in your 30s and can easily start fresh! It's important to have the stability for your kids but don't forget to look after yourself too 😀

laidbacklife · 08/11/2020 20:57

He did stick by you for years when you didn’t want sex. He now wants to continue living in the same house as his kids. Hardly unreasonable!
If the children are happy (and only you can judge that), then can you not just suck it up for a few more years for their sake? After all, he did that for you. It’s a 2-way street.
If you’re happy in every other aspect and you are good friends then I’d stay until the children are older. After that, do what you want...
If you are truly miserable now though then make alternative arrangements but just be mindful that it’s not all about you.

Original poster

brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 21:57

@Nikki112

I think the question is are you happy? You are only in your 30s and can easily start fresh! It's important to have the stability for your kids but don't forget to look after yourself too 😀

Thanks, and I’m reasonably contented, but not totally happy to live the rest of my life sexless with no romance. X I’m working on me in the mean time. As I’m under no illusion that I’m perfect in this! Ty xxxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 21:58

@laidbacklife

He did stick by you for years when you didn’t want sex. He now wants to continue living in the same house as his kids. Hardly unreasonable! If the children are happy (and only you can judge that), then can you not just suck it up for a few more years for their sake? After all, he did that for you. It’s a 2-way street. If you’re happy in every other aspect and you are good friends then I’d stay until the children are older. After that, do what you want... If you are truly miserable now though then make alternative arrangements but just be mindful that it’s not all about you.

You sound like a bloke

OP posts:

WhatKatyDidNxt · 08/11/2020 22:17

I had a sexless marriage. I wasn’t happy and it didn’t last. I’m now with someone else and it’s so much better in every way

WhatKatyDidNxt · 08/11/2020 22:20

@doubleaces89 that’s helpful and constructive

doodleygirl · 08/11/2020 22:21

It sounds like such a miserable way to live.

shehadsomuchpotential · 09/11/2020 10:44

Reading this makes me feel really sad. Not at the lack of sex as such but at the lack of intimacy and warmth you describe. You are worth more then this and you do deserve more then this. I am sad for you that your husband doesn't want to work on it with you and a counsellor, unfortunately i do think that says a lot. You describe a co parenting situation under one roof, how much of a leap would it be really to be co parenting under two. I admire you both for your commitment to your DC but long term this sort of sacrifice doesn't end well for anyone. As the child whose parents stayed together for the kids-i can't tell you how miserable it made me. By age 6/7/8 kids know. They notice other parents holding hands and hugging and laughing and going out to dinner together and for weekends away-and they do wonder why their parents don't. Its a huge burden to feel responsible for your parents happiness. Now mine are retired and still miserable. And it makes my looking after them so much harder when they don't look after each other and are unhappy. It also means you always feel guilty for being happy when they are not. I am not saying children are unaffected by divorce but i am just saying there are options and no way is perfect-not even putting up and shutting up.

willowmelangell · 09/11/2020 11:00

I suppose you could get a job and save money ready for when the dc move out. There seems to be a clock ticking down on your marriage expiry date.
Or will you have a sexless empty nest and then a sexless retirement?
I couldn't change my low libido exh and couldn't change my own needs.

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