Sexless marriage

[brokencrayons]

30+ married 10 yrs
Kids

He’s a great dad and we have a decent 50/50 partnership as parents.

We have no sex or cuddles or kisses. I do t remember the last time we kissed.

I want sex but he’s lost all interest
He’s already told me he’s only here for the kids and I feel the same to an extent, but get really sad when I remember how we used to be. Happy, smitten, he would spoil me etc. Now we have a friendship and we live in the same house.

I have got my libido back after years of depression and birth trauma. And he has lost his.

My question is

Do you have a sexless marriage?
Can they last?
Are you happy?

You have been given lots of brilliant advice, to leave, or have counselling, have an affair, or an open marriage......

It seems he may not have taken up your offer of an open marriage, for whatever reason. He doesn't want counselling, and he doesn't want a divorce. He doesn't want sex with you, but his porn habit suggests he has a libido.

I am assuming you have tried talking, and I'll assume you have been honest and said you would like a sex life? with him?

I don't know what it is you want here, but if you want to stay with him, and you want a sex life, you have two choices. 1) have an affair with someone 2) try and rebuild your relationship with husband.

Since he doesn't now want this, what can you do to change his mind? talking hasn't worked has it, and it's not likely to.

So, you are left with this: Start by stop giving him Bjs, stop asking him to talk about the relationship, find a job, get a life outside of him, the house and child caring. Lose weight and get fit, find some joy in being you, in living in your own body. Find hobbies and interests, see friends and make plans that don't include him. Start conversations about "things" and never try to initiate any conversations about the state of the marriage. Don't mention sex, instead become a person who acts and looks like they like sex. Try to exude confidence and happiness in being you.

Familiarity can breed contempt, just as resentment can breed dislike.

Even if he never decides to move closer, you will already be further along the path to a new future without him.

@MiniTheMinx

You have been given lots of brilliant advice, to leave, or have counselling, have an affair, or an open marriage......

It seems he may not have taken up your offer of an open marriage, for whatever reason. He doesn't want counselling, and he doesn't want a divorce. He doesn't want sex with you, but his porn habit suggests he has a libido.

I am assuming you have tried talking, and I'll assume you have been honest and said you would like a sex life? with him?

I don't know what it is you want here, but if you want to stay with him, and you want a sex life, you have two choices. 1) have an affair with someone 2) try and rebuild your relationship with husband.

Since he doesn't now want this, what can you do to change his mind? talking hasn't worked has it, and it's not likely to.

So, you are left with this: Start by stop giving him Bjs, stop asking him to talk about the relationship, find a job, get a life outside of him, the house and child caring. Lose weight and get fit, find some joy in being you, in living in your own body. Find hobbies and interests, see friends and make plans that don't include him. Start conversations about "things" and never try to initiate any conversations about the state of the marriage. Don't mention sex, instead become a person who acts and looks like they like sex. Try to exude confidence and happiness in being you.

Familiarity can breed contempt, just as resentment can breed dislike.

Even if he never decides to move closer, you will already be further along the path to a new future without him.

This is brilliant advice and kind of what I’m trying to do just now. I am self employed but Covid has killed that off nearly so I’m currently looking for another means of income. Thank you so much for taking time to reply.

[quote BathshebaWasOnTheRoof]@JaffaCake70 if you go into the search function you can search by poster’s name. I’m not on the app but the mobile version [/quote]
Thank you for replying :-)

@MiniTheMinx

You have been given lots of brilliant advice, to leave, or have counselling, have an affair, or an open marriage......

It seems he may not have taken up your offer of an open marriage, for whatever reason. He doesn't want counselling, and he doesn't want a divorce. He doesn't want sex with you, but his porn habit suggests he has a libido.

I am assuming you have tried talking, and I'll assume you have been honest and said you would like a sex life? with him?

I don't know what it is you want here, but if you want to stay with him, and you want a sex life, you have two choices. 1) have an affair with someone 2) try and rebuild your relationship with husband.

Since he doesn't now want this, what can you do to change his mind? talking hasn't worked has it, and it's not likely to.

So, you are left with this: Start by stop giving him Bjs, stop asking him to talk about the relationship, find a job, get a life outside of him, the house and child caring. Lose weight and get fit, find some joy in being you, in living in your own body. Find hobbies and interests, see friends and make plans that don't include him. Start conversations about "things" and never try to initiate any conversations about the state of the marriage. Don't mention sex, instead become a person who acts and looks like they like sex. Try to exude confidence and happiness in being you.

Familiarity can breed contempt, just as resentment can breed dislike.

Even if he never decides to move closer, you will already be further along the path to a new future without him.

Brilliant advice.

Exactly the things that I did that gave me the confidence to dump my ex. Working on the weight loss thing, trying very hard to give up my nightly half bottle of Pinot!