Sexless marriage

[brokencrayons]

30+ married 10 yrs
Kids

He’s a great dad and we have a decent 50/50 partnership as parents.

We have no sex or cuddles or kisses. I do t remember the last time we kissed.

I want sex but he’s lost all interest
He’s already told me he’s only here for the kids and I feel the same to an extent, but get really sad when I remember how we used to be. Happy, smitten, he would spoil me etc. Now we have a friendship and we live in the same house.

I have got my libido back after years of depression and birth trauma. And he has lost his.

My question is

Do you have a sexless marriage?
Can they last?
Are you happy?

Again , poor bloke getting the wrong end of the discussions. Things cant be so bad if you give him a blow job

he’s happy for me to give him oral

That's generous of him.

I'll probably flamed but I absolutely wouldn't judge you for having an affair...

I thought I would wait until my DD was grown up before leaving. She was 6 when I realised my marriage wouldn't last the distance and nearly 12 by the time I left.

I had my reasons, but I really, really wish I'd done it sooner.

I’m smelling resentment here, and not from just one direction.

He resents you for the misery you heaped on him in the past and you resent him for the misery he’s heaping on you in the present. Resentment is the weapon of mass destruction for so many couples. Sex and affection, far from being the safe, joyous and positive thing it should be; has become an emotional battlefield and as with all battles, you fight on through or you retreat.

From his point of view I imagine he thinks “you started this and let it drag on so long it’s extinguished all love inside me” and from your point of view, I would guess you want to draw a line under the past and start afresh in your relationship, but those kind of emotional wounds don’t disappear just because you want to ignore them. Years of sexlessness can be a knockout punch to a lot of relationships. The misery of such wilful neglect is not easily forgotten.
If you choose to stay and try to work through this, I neither envy nor criticise you for doing so. Just be realistic that time itself does not heal all wounds, often drastic measures are required for what seems like very prolonged periods.

Best of luck.

he’s happy for me to give him oral and literally comes in seconds

Why do you?

It's like being used tbh.

You can be happy if it's what you both want.

Very often parent's think their children are unaware of what's going on...but that's not the case. I suppose it does depend on their ages as to whether they believe he sleeps on the sofa because he snores.

As he said he's only there for the kids ....it's more than a loss of libido.... I reckon it's directed towards you.

He won't leave at the moment because it's a hassle...it would be expensive for him and you serve a purpose.

Don't be lumbered with a man who doesn't love you...because if you get very ill...he'll probably be off and if he does...you'll be stuck with him out of guilt.

Some savage comments but some rally constructive ones. Thanks everyone x

A couple had a sexless marriage.
No. Usually one party isn't happy
No it usually won't last but can take time for one to make the decision.

The one who wasn't bothered was the female but she was fucking angry he left. She liked everything else about the marriage especially his money but wasn't bothered about sex...he has remarried, lovely wife and had more kids but is a brilliant dad to the kids from his first marriage so there is life afterwards

They notice other parents holding hands and hugging and laughing and going out to dinner together and for weekends away-and they do wonder why their parents don't

And? If you split up and both become single parents they might notice you not having any affectionate relationships at all then either.

@brokencrayons- I completely agree with @laidbacklife.
And I say that as a person who had depression/lack of libido herself.
He did stick by you, for years, I presume. And it must have been really difficult for him to put away his needs and he seems to have succeeded. He prioritised the kids and his family.
It’s unfair now to now expect him to jump and change back just to suit you.

You can chose what you do - you can also discretely act on your needs. Or just ignore them.

As to the lack of closeness, touch, etc. It is totally understandable as when a couple is dealing with loss of libido in one of the partners - the only way for the other partner to deal with it is to shut down most things physical. Otherwise it’s too painful.
And after years of that - it becomes the norm.
So - while it’s sad for you now OP - it was equally as sad for him for years.

It’s not a great place to be, as you didn’t chose to have depression. In your place - I’d find a FWB. But - I don’t think it needs a discussion really. Its not an easy subject to raise and most people in your situation would find it easier if it wasn’t in their face.

[quote MMmomDD]**@brokencrayons- I completely agree with @laidbacklife.
And I say that as a person who had depression/lack of libido herself.
He did stick by you, for years, I presume. And it must have been really difficult for him to put away his needs and he seems to have succeeded. He prioritised the kids and his family.
It’s unfair now to now expect him to jump and change back just to suit you.

You can chose what you do - you can also discretely act on your needs. Or just ignore them.

As to the lack of closeness, touch, etc. It is totally understandable as when a couple is dealing with loss of libido in one of the partners - the only way for the other partner to deal with it is to shut down most things physical. Otherwise it’s too painful.
And after years of that - it becomes the norm.
So - while it’s sad for you now OP - it was equally as sad for him for years.

It’s not a great place to be, as you didn’t chose to have depression. In your place - I’d find a FWB. But - I don’t think it needs a discussion really. Its not an easy subject to raise and most people in your situation would find it easier if it wasn’t in their face.[/quote]
But OP isn't asking him to jump back and change, she's asking him to have counselling and he's refusing. He's already told her he's only with her for the sake of the kids. He's told her the marriage is over essentially.

OP, you need to think long and hard about whether you want your life to be like this long term. Personally, I wouldn't. If you manage ok as a team, there's no reason to think that wouldn't continue if you separate. You are both thinking of your children and that's a good thing. If you separate now when there is no animosity then you cold go into the situation sharing the parenting well, and showing the kids that they still have 2 loving parents.

[quote MMmomDD]**@brokencrayons- I completely agree with @laidbacklife.
And I say that as a person who had depression/lack of libido herself.
He did stick by you, for years, I presume. And it must have been really difficult for him to put away his needs and he seems to have succeeded. He prioritised the kids and his family.
It’s unfair now to now expect him to jump and change back just to suit you.

You can chose what you do - you can also discretely act on your needs. Or just ignore them.

As to the lack of closeness, touch, etc. It is totally understandable as when a couple is dealing with loss of libido in one of the partners - the only way for the other partner to deal with it is to shut down most things physical. Otherwise it’s too painful.
And after years of that - it becomes the norm.
So - while it’s sad for you now OP - it was equally as sad for him for years.

It’s not a great place to be, as you didn’t chose to have depression. In your place - I’d find a FWB. But - I don’t think it needs a discussion really. Its not an easy subject to raise and most people in your situation would find it easier if it wasn’t in their face.[/quote]
Thanks or taking the time to reply. Honestly everyone’s comments are giving me food for thought and also showing me a different perspective which a do appreciate. I just want to add that during my time when I had loss if libido/PND/eating disorder/panic attacks weekly, I still tried to give my husband what he needed. I really tried. But it still wasnt enough for him ( we had a lot of sex previously) . I didn’t refuse him sex I still did it. I just lost my own libido so it was less frequent. There are other issues that have cropped up in the past 5 years, some serious that I’ve tried to brush under the carpet. Idk if you can see posts that I created when it all started. But it’s calmed down now. Idk why I’m even rambling on now. I’m just stuck

I’ve just looked at your thread from 2017 . It seems to me that this is about so much more than sex, isn’t it? It sounds to me like he’s checked out; he’s threatened to take your children and house away from you. Did I read that right?

Better placed posters can help I’m sure. Women’s Aid, the Freedom Programme are maybe somewhere to start.

Have you spoken to any family or friends about this dynamic? It might take some of the power of silence away if you do. Consider learning to drive to give you some independence.

You’re still young and you’ve your whole life ahead of you. Do you really think things will change?

@brokencrayons

I think it’s really hard to adjust to having children for people who have had really intense sexual relationship prior to that.
And it seems that this is what has unfortunately happened.
By you account - you were skinny, a model, 10 years younger than him, fell for his charms and you two had a lot of sex.

Then you started having kids. Put on weight. And after the last child you went through months of not having sex due to the birth trauma. And there was a bit of trust issues at that time - which was in a way not unexpected.
Then - I presume you started to make yourself ‘do it for him’ as you said above.
But - of course - it wasn’t the same.
If you try to understand his side - he gained children, but lost his playful and enthusiastic partner. (Not defending, or saying that it was not unrealistic on his side to expect things not to change).

So - I thinly that in the end - he did either divert his sexual energy somewhere else, as you suggested. Or just suppressed it.
And I still do think it’s not fair to demand/expect he reverses it. It does seem that that part of your relationship is over.

What you do with it is really down to you and what you want. You do have three kids and a H who is Ok with the marriage being about co-parenting. In reality there are a lot of families where that works ok. And this is what marriages used to be historically - until a more recent view that a marriage needs to be both economic and romantic and intimate union.
But of course if a marriage is based on co-patenting, both people need to be Ok with that and be generally friendly and supportive to each other.
Which isn’t where you are. And I don’t think it’s just the lack of sex, which you can easily ‘outsource’.

What do you want OP?

I would never outsource sex.thats the ultimate kick in the balls for any person. I respect him I love him I care very deeply for him. I just wanted to know if I can salvage this.

I couldn’t do this OP. I tried for several years. I did end up having an affair. Outsourcing sex didn’t help. My ex refused counselling. In the end I left. I wish I had gone sooner as it got bitter and messy. It takes 2 to make a relationship and 2 to break it. Never black and white

@henni85

I couldn’t do this OP. I tried for several years. I did end up having an affair. Outsourcing sex didn’t help. My ex refused counselling. In the end I left. I wish I had gone sooner as it got bitter and messy. It takes 2 to make a relationship and 2 to break it. Never black and white

Thank you. Xx

I suggest counselling together (and individually if you can) or go.. give him an ultimatum..

OP - whether you can salvage ‘this’ depends on what you see as ‘this’.
Your H sees your current relationship as co-parenting arrangement. He doesn’t want to have a physical relationship. What lead to it is irrelevant. He appears to not have a libido at this point.
(And to women who come on here asking for advice on not having a libido - collective message is always the same - your body, your right to not want sex, and a man forcing you to change that is wrong.)

When you were in his place - you suggested outsourcing sex. So - he may do that as well. It doesn’t have to be a kick in the balls if Thai is what the couple agrees to. And in a situation where one has lost their libido, while the other still wants to be sexually active - this is the only way for both people to have their needs met and still stay together.

I think it’s clear that “this” means my marriage

OP - your marriage went through several different stages. As all marriages do.
So - if by ‘this’ - you mean getting to the way you described your early relationship, then of course it’s impossible.

Just because you got your libido back doesn’t mean that he will automatically reset and become the man you met 10 years ago.

Your physical relationship has changed over the years and it’s unlikely to recover. He doesn’t want you have a sex life - at least not with you, and you can’t force him to want to change.

You made yourself have sex with him back when your libido was low. Is this what you want him to do? Force himself for you now?

I think, the sooner you realise and make peace with what relationship you can and can not have with him - the better it will be for you. At least then you can decide what to do and which way to go on.

OP

I just read your comment about your weight gain, and I think you could be on to something, hear me out.

When I first met my ex I was a slim size 12. Over the few years we were together I gained weight (I'm 50, it happens almost by magic!) and went up to a size 16.

My ex lost attraction and stopped having sex with me. He said his lack of libido was not related to my weight gain, that he was just tired and drinking too much, but I never believed that. When I found his porn searches, they were all for young, slim, big boobed women. I'm the opposite, size 14/16, 50yrs old, small boobs...

I also struggled with eating disorders throughout my 20's and 30's, I was determined that I wasn't going back to that state of mind.

For the sake of my own sanity and self esteem, I ended the relationship (there were other factors too btw).

I had never been rejected sexually by any of my other partners and his behaviour came as a real shock. I was used to men chasing me around the bedroom and getting moody if I wasn't up for it!

I don't think a sexless marriage can work if only one of you wants it that way. You are so young, you have so much life in front of you. Please don't stay in this situation.

There is someone out there who will really want you, in every sense of the word. Someone who will make you feel like you're the most beautiful woman in the world. We all deserve to feel loved and cherished.

This man has checked out, do yourself a favour and file those divorce papers. You're children will be learning a very warped version of how a loving relationship should look. Your relationship with their Father will do a lot more damage than a divorce would.

Please think long and hard. Listen to the advice you've been given here. Get out of this situation.

Sending you so much love and support. Please keep us updated.

P.S. I'll be thinking about you all day now!

@BathshebaWasOnTheRoof

I’ve just looked at your thread from 2017 . It seems to me that this is about so much more than sex, isn’t it? It sounds to me like he’s checked out; he’s threatened to take your children and house away from you. Did I read that right?

Better placed posters can help I’m sure. Women’s Aid, the Freedom Programme are maybe somewhere to start.

Have you spoken to any family or friends about this dynamic? It might take some of the power of silence away if you do. Consider learning to drive to give you some independence.

You’re still young and you’ve your whole life ahead of you. Do you really think things will change?

Hi @BathshebaWasOnTheRoof

How do I read the OP's other threads?

I'm relatively new to MN and would really like to read more about this lady's predicament before I comment further on this thread.

Have you considered that he may have a pornography addiction? Sleeping on the couch for 10;years and the emotional detachment strike as being red flags for this in my experience.

The problem is he doesn't want to fix it. You can't do it on your own. I think most things are salvageable (outside abuse) if both people are willing. He is not
You are still v young and have the chance to start again .. the problem with staying too long is that he will leave once the kids are older and it will be much more difficult then.
I would start getting your ducks in a row. Once you are in a more secure position I would issue a ultimatum, counselling or it is over and mean it.
its very difficult and never easy to leave with small children but this is your life , you only get one shot and to live a sexless and affection free existence for the rest of your youth is a v v high price to pay

@JaffaCake70 if you go into the search function you can search by poster’s name. I’m not on the app but the mobile version