I definitely want out

[Tulip55]

I have posted before about EA husband. I broke up with him in April but took him back. He has made massive improvements but its just too little too late for me. I am certain I want to end it but with 2nd lockdown now and Christmas round the corner I don't know how/when to end it. We have barely spoken recently and have separate beds now. I just want the kids to have a nice Christmas after such a terrible year. What would you do? I want to tell him but it would make living together difficult.

Where did he go when you separated in April? Can he go back there? Without it being difficult to see the children?

To his mums but he said he will never go back there again, he hated it. He went there as he said he couldn't afford anything else. Although we both earn same amount and I know I could afford it. The kids staying in our home with me would be best for them so I dont want to move out unless we sell the house so I can buy another to become their permanent home.. I wouldn't want to move them to a temporary rented place, to have to move them again when we sell the house...too much upheaval on top of losing the family unit

Sounds like being open and honest with him would help you all. If he is not a bad person, not controlling, not abusive....then he may be upset but he too will want a smooth transition for the kids. There’s no ‘good time’ to have the conversation, but now is gonna be better than Xmas Eve 😱

He has been emotionally abusive in the past, I took years of it. When I told him I was unhappy in April he got angry then stayed upstairs for days without talking to me, then went to his mums. I told him it was over but he begged and promised he would change. If I tell him he will react badly again. He can tell i am withdrawing from him which resulted in him losing his temper with me infront of the kids...but if I was to outright tell him it was over he would react really badly and would not consider the kids feelings at first at all. I know I need to though, cant carry on like this...just really shit timing

He is still abusing you emotionally. He’s making you scared of raising the issue, because you are afraid of him losing his temper. This is abuse. In a normal, healthy relationship - even one that is not, or is no longer, a romantic/sexual one - women are not afraid to initiate a conversation about anything.

Sounds like you would benefit from some real life support and help to take the next steps. You can call woman’s aid, or seek other counselling.

A relationship where you are worried about him losing his temper in front of the kids and where you are clearly distant and unloving to one another....that’s a poisonous one for you and your children. It’s not showing them how relationships should be. If you cannot salvage it - and it sounds from what you say to be unsalvagable - it becomes quite urgent to salvage yourself and your children. Whatever the time of year.

I just want to do this in a way that least affects the kids. I know it will be hard for them regardless but I just want to limit it. I have an appointment with a solicitor on weds so I can know what my options are.

I'm in a very similar situation, it never feels like the right time, does it?

I would spend this time before Christmas preparing for the divorce. Get a solicitor, get all financials together, and don't say a word to your husband. Shortly after the new year you can lay it on him and you'll be ahead of the game.

Sounds like he never changed at all.

I think seeing the solicitor will really help clarify options.

Yes and what Aqua says about using any waiting time fruitfully.

Thanks guys, I will let you know what the solicitor advises. I just feel so much guilt. I dont think he will cope well (he was a mess last time) and he has put so much time and energy into our home, he will hate me if I keep the house...but I feel like keeping it is best for the children. Personally I would much rather move out to a rented house and start fresh but it would mean moving out of our village which would be even more difficult for the kids..then moving again when the house sold.

Well the solicitor walked me through the basics. My options are stay in same house until we sell the house, he moves out and rents or i do until house is sold. Divorce will cost £550 to be filed. They didn't say how much it would cost to get an order for the split of finances. Can anyone tell me how much that might cost though a solicitor? I am hoping we can come to an agreement and send it to court ourselves, although again I am not sure of cost? I think it will be hard for me to put a plan in place until I see how he reacts and wether he will allow the house to be sold or not. I know I can force the sale but that could cost 2k or more, I noticed on another post, so not ideal. I have no savings, any money I put aside goes on Christmas presents at the moment. He does have some savings but will be reluctant to move to rented accommodation.

Hope you're okay Tulip x

Hi @alm23x things are a little easier now. I am avoiding him a bit but am able to talk to him about day to day things, which is an improvement, little less uncomfortable. Still sleeping separately and I want it to stay that way. I am hoping I can get through Christmas without it all coming out. Then I will bring it up after that, in the new year. I am starting to build a support network of friends and family, making more time for people. Its been lovely to talk to my friends properly. I have held so much back as i didn't want them to know the truth, now i have opened up to them we are closer and i feel more at ease with them. How are you doing? What's your situation at the moment?

Glad things are easier. Does he not ask why you're withdrawing a bit? Mine seems to notice really quickly. I haven't read any of your previous posts so not really sure what's happened in your relationship but I'm rooting for you! I have a thread a bit further down,"social media stalking" it's quite long but basically about my EA husband and my long term denial that I've been going through it. Left in July and got sucked back in. I'm hoping to now do what you're doing, stay and pretend until the new year, get my ducks in a row and leave giving him no chance to try and get me to stay. I believe in us! X

Just caught up on your post. We really need to get out of these unhealthy relationships for our kids.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3891324-Marriage-at-breaking-point

This is my post from when I almost got out earlier this year. Reading Lundy's Why does he do that book opened my eyes fully, so much of that book speaks to me. I need to read it again now to keep my resolve.

I need to read that book, lots of people have recommended it. Just skim read your post..have things got better for you regarding friendships since leaving him in april? We can do this, we need to get out x

I have been making more time for myself and spending time friends. He has nothing to say about it as we are barely talking at the moment. I feel a lot stronger having spoken to my mum and 2 friends about my situation. When I first spoke out, I felt worse....felt guilty for bad mouthing him, and like I had let the cat out of the bag, no going back....but I have come to realise I am only telling them the truth about things he has said and done. Having opened up to people has made me feel less isolated and more connected to my friends and family.

I'm glad you're making more time for yourself and your friendships. Were your friends suprised when you told them?

Strangely no, they weren't. My mum was, when i told her how long he would go without talking to me if we had a disagreement. Please do read the Lundy book @alm23x it has changed my perspective completely and given me strength and the validation I need to trust my own intuition when something feels wrong.

I will definitely read it. What do you think you need to do before you can leave him? My head's in such a mess x

I'm not sure of the best way to go about things at the moment. It would be easier and more final for me to rent somewhere and move out straight away but not sure that will be best for the kids. If I just tell him and stay here he will try to get round me though, im not sure if he will agree to leave. I very much doubt it after last time. I might start buying some new home stuff and store it at my mums...not sure yet. What are you thinking, plan wise?

That sounds good. I wish I could just pack my stuff and leave, and be done with it..but I know that's not the right way and it would majorly impact the children financially, and emotionally if they see me struggling with all the decisions and having nowhere to live. I know I need a precise plan so it's as smooth as possible for them. I'm going to try and make Christmas amazing, save money, declutter the house so I know where things are which in turn will make packing easier..ask for money for Christmas for "clothes and makeup etc" but bank it. Then sometime in January make my move and leave. We don't own a house, so I need enough money behind me to put down a rental deposit and first month's rent. I just worry about leaving my job (il have to move town to be back closer to my family) and I've never been on benefits so worry we will struggle. So much I need to get my head around. My husband isnt like yours in the sense he won't sleep in separate rooms and I'm going to have to pretend to be loving wife for the duration. Makes me feel sick!

I hope we can support eachother over the next few months. Thats a good idea about Christmas money, I will do the same but I dont get much. I am going to start making a list of things I will need and what I can take with me from here. I am having a clear out and selling some things too. Will try to get all the Christmas shopping out of this months savings so next months can be kept aside.