I definitely want out

[Tulip55]

I have posted before about EA husband. I broke up with him in April but took him back. He has made massive improvements but its just too little too late for me. I am certain I want to end it but with 2nd lockdown now and Christmas round the corner I don't know how/when to end it. We have barely spoken recently and have separate beds now. I just want the kids to have a nice Christmas after such a terrible year. What would you do? I want to tell him but it would make living together difficult.

We can do this :) I'm doing the same, trying to get Christmas paid for this month and then December can be stored away. I feel guilty planning behind his back, do you?

Yes, I feel awful..but thing is he has some savings from inheritance but he would never be willing to move out into rented accommodation, even for the sake of his children. That spurs me on a bit, because he puts his own needs before the kids.

That's really selfish. Do you think he wants the split or is he going to make your life difficult after you go? I know mine doesn't want to split so he's not gonna let me go without a fight which is why I know I have to do it behind his back. X

He sounds like my ex. We tried living under the same roof, I managed 2 months and then he became so awful that I had to leave very late at night with my DD and go to my parents. That was in June and I haven't been back since. My divorce is going through. I've been told it will cost me around £3000.

Solicitors will require full financial disclosure from both of you so the inheritance money should be split!

@alm23x I think he cares more about the money side if things, if we split up he won't be able to continue to live and spend like he does now. He won't afford the big house he wants in a few years time.
@bobisbored how did your dd cope with it? Are you still at your parents now? I really just want a fresh start, cant bare the thought of staying in this house together 😩

@Tulip55 she's struggled to be honest. She's a worrier and quite anxious anyway. She doesn't want to stay with her dad, will only go for short visits. She is getting better but I won't lie, it's been hard. I have no doubt that it was the right thing to do though. I am happier and more relaxed and she can see that.
I have a DS from a previous relationship too, he hasn't been bothered by it at all.

I am so worried about how this will affect the children. I would struggle to find somewhere to rent where we live so we would have to move to nearby town. Im worried they will never see the new house as home. My husband would probably continue living in our house until I could afford solicitors fees to force sale.

@Tulip55 home is where you are. I was worried about that but my DCs call my parents house home now. I am so lucky to be able to stay here with them. I don't earn a lot and would struggle to rent on my own as I am still paying half of the bills for my house I'm not bloody living in right now.

Home is where you are. I like that!

Feeling really upset about things today. The kids are both saying they feel unwell and just seem worried and a bit down. They must be sensing the atmosphere. Im so scared to turn their world upside down. I have been looking at places to rent, want to call and arrange viewings but I get scared and stop myself. We have lived in this house since they were babies, they don't know anything else. I dont know what to do anymore. I'm sick of thinking about it all the time. I'm tired.

I'm tired tulip, but just think how tired you will be in 5 years time if you stay. The children might sense things, or they might generally be under the weather. You can do this xxx

Thanks @alm23x how are you feeling today? Is your husband still away at the moment?
I know what has to be done, the unknown is scary though, I am struggling to carry on when I know its over and he seemingly doesn't. Even with us sleeping in separate rooms, he still just carries on as if everything is normal. I think i need to just try and concentrate on Christmas and put this to one side until Jan but I can't stop thinking about it. I am waking up at 3am and just sat there thinking for hours most mornings.

I'm doing alright, keep feeling very panicked and anxious, and a bit guilty I suppose. Yeah he's away until Thursday...Ive just been spending time sorting out my bank and finances, making plans re how I can save money, doing entitledto checks, seeing what's out their rental wise (nothing!!) And just plodding on with De cluttering the house bit by bit. Can't wait for December to throw myself into Christmas in the hope that makes the month fly by. Does your H not care about intimacy etc then? I bet you're glad you don't have to share a bed with him! We've just got to keep reminding ourselves how we are gonna feel when we are out xx

It all just came out. He rang from work and asked how long I was going to have an attitude for and it all just spilled out. I dont know what happens next. I told him I just want to do whats best for the kids and I want them to have a nice Christmas. Now I am doubting myself, he was argumentative until I said I couldn't do it any more and then he went all calm and reasonable. He said we are happy 80% of the time and he is really trying to change, if I could just get past this and we could work together, it would be ok. He said he doesn't want to give up on what we have together, the lifestyle, house, kids.

And how do you feel about that? Do you think it's okay 80% of the time? X

We are good at the day to day stuff and he is making an effort but its too little too late. It took me telling him it was over earlier this year for him to give me the respect I deserve. Me having a mental breakdown a few years ago wasn't enough to make him want to do it. I dont think I can ever forgive him....unless he never messed up again which he already has done several times in the last 6 months, so that's not going to happen.

You've got to stay strong in your decision then..for both of your sake. For his sake because you need to be honest and straight with him...and for your sake so you don't cave in and find yourself in the same position six months down the line. You could just end up doing this over and over for years..you get to breaking point ; he apologises..you stay. You need to really decide what you want and then stick it through xxxxx

Thank you @alm23x I will try my best. You are right, I could just keep doing this over and over, that would be terrible for the kids. I need to be strong now. I have told him, I just need to follow through this time.

Stay strong Tulip, imagine life on the other side and how happy you could potentially be. You only get one life! Just got to keep reminding yourself that things might feel terrible right now but everything is temporary xx always here if you need a chat via PM too.

Why do I feel so numb? I felt relieved to get it out in the open but now I feel nothing. Just empty and confused. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me, im the problem....what if im just a miserable person who can't be happy?

So, today I have been accused of talking to other men. And he's refusing to leave because its hard enough for him losing me, its not fair on him. He seems to think the kids will be fine without me at home. How can he think that?

He doesnt really think the kids would be better off without you, he's just ssying stuff to hurt you.

You have told him the marriage is over and he cant possibly see he is at fault so he thinks you've had your head turned by another man and while he is hurting he is going to make sure he hurts you.

Greyrock technique is what you need and keep getting your ducks in a row.

Thank you @SortingItOut I will try grey rock, read up about it. I really don't know what to do now, feel stuck. I need to stay put in this house but he's not going to leave. He's not willing to accept its over. He's trying to talk me out of it.
I still find this concept of someone deliberately saying things they don't mean to hurt you baffling. It just doesn't make sense to me, why would someone do that to someone they say they love? He says its because hes insecure but I would never do that if I felt insecure, or any other time. I know the power of words, what they can do to a person.

He's really messing with my head. He said I am probably just down and that I am going to regret this. He said if he buys me out I won't be able to get a big enough mortgage to buy a 3 bed house. He is refusing to leave the house but said he can't live here if I don't want to be with him anymore so I must leave. He wants to tell the kids before Christmas. What do I do?