I definitely want out

[Tulip55]

I have posted before about EA husband. I broke up with him in April but took him back. He has made massive improvements but its just too little too late for me. I am certain I want to end it but with 2nd lockdown now and Christmas round the corner I don't know how/when to end it. We have barely spoken recently and have separate beds now. I just want the kids to have a nice Christmas after such a terrible year. What would you do? I want to tell him but it would make living together difficult.

Is there anywhere you and the kids could go? Into rented? Family? Trust me when I say it's easier to stay in a marriage where you're unhappy when you think about where you'd go etc.. It makes it feel impossible so you agree to stay and live miserably. There is always a way out, don't make him let you feel like there isnt xxx

I could go but I have just as much right to stay in this house as he does, we own it. Im worried if I move out I will have trouble getting him to sell or buy me out

Go back to the solicitor and talk about officially filing for divorce.

Keep talking with your mum and friends who will support you.

Stay in the house but don't ever sleep with him. An unplanned pregnancy would be a disaster.

He cares more about controlling you than he cares about loving you. That's why he's trying to scare you and guilt-tripping you.

Things are starting to get nasty. He thinks he has more right to the house than me as he did most of the renovation work himself as he is a tradesman. We remortgaged to pay for it, I dealt with the planning applications, worked from home whenever necessary to take deliveries, looked after all the kids needs but apparently that is non comparative....but I expected that anyway, its the underlying attitude that nothing I do can ever compare to his efforts. I had to walk away from the argument as I was getting angry.

Hes making me doubt myself. Saying he was never that bad. He was regularly drunk and obnoxious towards me and intimidated the kids on many occasions. Once he grabbed and pinched our son really hard for misbehaving for instance. Accused me of cheating so many times. Once left me for a week when I went on a night out with work friends of which some were male. Used to hassle me for sex so much, with so much simmering pressure i would have to escape to my parents for the weekend, he stopped that a few years ago. There have been times when he has tried to have sex with me, me saying no had not been enough to stop him, I would literally have to raise my voice and push him off. Once when our son was in bed with us overnight I woke up to my husband fingering me. He would get so angry whenever we talked about finance to the point I stopped looking at the accounts for 2 years to avoid it. When I did finally look I found out he had taken a lone out without me. Theres the constant indifference he has shown towards me a lot too, like walking off away from me when we go anywhere together, shopping for instance. Every holiday we have ever been on has revolved around his drinking all day. He has improved for 6 months but the love is gone. I still care for him but there is no romantic feeling there, its all gone.

You can ask the solicitor to advise you on applying for an occupation order so that he is kept out of the property while the house is sold which the court can also order. I did this , almost a year ago to the day, and stayed in airbnb s while the Court process went through. Get legal advice on this and don't warn him . Good luck OP x

Hes making me doubt that it was abuse. When we were younger we both drank often, this was before kids. We used to have shouting rows a lot when drunk. I used to get upset when he went out without me when we first moved away together and I had no friends, I was lonely and felt he didn't want to spend time with me...this whole disinterested thing he does goes back to then. But I always trusted him, never accused him of cheating and made more of an effort to make friends of my own. Also after we had kids he would bugger off to the pub regularly without considering if I might like a break from childcare and I used to get really angry/upset about that.. he says that I have therefore been as bad as him.

To get an occupation order you have to show that you and or the children are at risk of emotional or other harm and the Court will put the interests of any children first. I think you can persuade a court of that but a solicitor will need to advise you. Take care xx

Maybe you were both angry and toxic, but he is abusive, whole other league. He's sexually abused and financially abused you, gaslit you, and I expect there's more. Worth seeing I think if you can get an occupation order like PP mentioned.

Why do I feel like that would be cruel to do that to him? He has made so many changes in the last 6 months.

Hey lovely! I know exactly how you feel when you say about them making small changes recently but the love has still gone. I'm going through it now ...he's saying in the last four months he's made changes..which he has, but it's not enough. And it doesn't make us forget what we've already been through? That's imprinted in our memory and it changes us as people! What you describe is emotional, sexual and maybe financial abuse. Yes you might have had bad rows years ago and you might've been argumentative and both drank....but that gives him no high ground over you at all x

He really hasn't changed at all. He's still a nasty, selfish bastard.
Stop feeling sorry for him and start putting your children and yourself first.
Tell him that you feel unsafe with him in the house due to all the instances of violence and abuse that you've listed here. Tell him he leaves or you tell the solicitor about it all and start getting a non-mol. Hopefully he will leave to save his own skin

H hasn't even tried to make changes and I still feel guilty for planning to break up our marriage. So I don't think the guilts necessarily about him having 'changed' or not just that. I think it's being gaslit for so long. There's something I've seen on here about this, it's called FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. Its how people who have been in abusive relationships feel about their abuser.

I know I'm afraid of H, not physically afraid, afraid of how angry he gets. But it's all tied up with the obligation and guilt. He's been telling me for so long it's all my fault, including his behaviour. It's hard to break that thinking pattern. Even me being afraid of him was my fault. It was horrible of me to tell him his angry meltdown scared me and it's my fault for not getting over it. As far as he's concerned his behaviour wasn't scary at all and it was my fault anyway. That kind of gaslighting happening over and over makes it really hard to hang onto reality, which is that he destroyed our marriage with his behaviour. I can say that logically but I still guilty and I still feel that I'm responsible for his emotions and his happiness. Gaslighting and abuse mess with your head.

Hes making me doubt that it was abuse.

What he is doing right now is abuse. No "was" - it is right now ongoing abuse.

From the little you've outlined across this thread he has subjected you to severe abuse for a long time.

What he is doing right now is about retaining control of you. He will keep trying different tactics until he has control of you.

Abuse is about power and control. That's what drives him and that's what's going on now.

You need to stay strong and follow through.

If you feel in danger at any point, call the police on 999.

Ultimately, whatever decorative changes he might have made or alterations to his tactics over the last 6 months he has continued to abuse you.

It will never stop if you stay.

They'll hardly ever admit they've violent abusers. Pinching a child is violence.

Sexual pressure is one of the worst things someone can endure.

I hadn't thought of that point @Tulip55. Denying his abuse is abusive in and of itself. It's gaslighting. If he'd truly changed he would admit to everything, be genuinely repentant for his behaviour and be making every effort to show he is a changed man and he would know that his behaviour might be something you couldn't move past because its that bad. He hasn't changed, he's just changed tactics a little.

He is just doing more of the same emotional abuse he always has...

Gaslighting you, minimising your contribution, rewriting the past. It's all emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty and it's all about the money he doesn't seem to care about the DC emotional welfare at all. Underneath the veneer he doesn't seem to have changed?

Have you reread the Lundy book?

He is saying if he has been abusive then so have I. I have called him unsupportive on several occasions, which he believes he has always supported me. He has often supported me in a practical sense and has stepped up to doing his share with the kids in the last couple of years. But when I look like I'm enjoying life too much he thinks I'm cheating on him and I start getting the cold shoulder followed by accusations. The only thing he cares about is this house, he said he wants to be amicable as long as he gets to stay in the house for a few years, then we can sell. Hes not having another man live in this house...last thing on my mind is getting involved with someone else ffs. I know I need to stop talking to him but he's making me doubt that he has been abusive, I want him to admit it. He says that back when we split in April he admitted to a lot of stuff that wasn't true..so basically retracting the admission and apologies I got back then

Thanks everyone. Still not sure what to do for the best, will see what the solicitor says. I am re reading the lundy book now. But every time I talk to him I doubt myself again.

You know the answer, stop discussing anything with him.

You don't have to justify to anyone why you want to end the marriage. It making you unhappy and his behaviour in the past is MORE than sufficient.

Get your ducks in a row and don't move out with the DC, get your legal advice.

Any abuse from him or if threatens you call the police.

I spoke to a really great solicitor yesterday. He told me that I am the primary carer from what I have described and I need to stop thinking about my husband reaction and only think about my children's welfare. He also said that I need to seek counselling ASAP to get my thoughts in order over Christmas. He said my husband sounded typically abusive. He thinks as primary carer I should stay in the house with the kids. I agree but my husbands reaction to that will be so bad I dont know if I am strong enough to go through with it. Every time he gets in my ear i am doubting my own thoughts and reasoning. I will call a counseller today and get some sessions in before Christmas. I am thinking it might be best to tell the kids before Christmas but not sure what to say when I dont know what living arrangements will be yet?

How are you doing Tulip xxxxx

Hi @alm23x thanks for checking in! I am keeping up with your situation, hope you are settling into the refuge this evening. Sorry I haven't commented, I am a bit of a mess at the moment. But please know that I am thinking of you and routing for you. I am trying to negotiate with this pig headed man with kids care and dividing assets. Its very difficult, im not sure hiw its going to go. He was so angry earlier I made sure I had plenty of zoom calls with work colleagues so there was someone listening in. He calmed down after a while.

Thank you . Oh that sounds awful :( I really cannot imagine having to live with him even after he knows you want out! He must be making your life just miserable. What are your options, do you think? Xxx