I think I'm just too damaged.

[SoFuckedOffWithThis]

I met someone recently. It's been a while so I agreed to go on a date with him when he asked. I wasn't sure I fancied him initially but we have a fair bit in common, he's easy to get on with, I think he's attractive and I liked his company so I thought why not?

Anyway, we've been on a few dates now. I feel comfortable with him. He's told me that he fancies me, he finds me attractive and he's asked me to be his girlfriend. I have to admit that I wasn't sure about him until we kissed but there is undeniable chemistry and now I do fancy him too. We haven't had sex yet.

And this is where it all starts to fall apart for me.

I don't feel like i have the right to have a boyfriend or to be in a relationship. I'm scared of missing red flags. I'm scared of falling for him and being hurt. I'm scared of him realising I'm not 'good enough'. Scared he'll find my bum too big and my boobs too saggy. I'm scared he just won't fancy me when he sees me naked.

The problem is that I'm confident enough while it's just dating and flirting. I'm ok until it becomes real and then I just crumble.

I wonder what is wrong with him that he likes me. I tell myself that he sees what he sees and not the mass of insecurities and self doubt that I see. But it doesn't work. I end up feeling resentful and hostile and I create emotional distance.

I find myself repulsive.

As the years go by this is getting worse and not better and i think I'm too damaged.

Oh sweetheart, your post made me so sad. You dont feel deserving of love so when it starts to get serious you become afraid.

What was your childhood like? Your self esteem is so low. I think you really need to explore in therapy why you feel so unloveable.

Where did all this start with you?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Where did this idea of you supposedly not being good enough start with you?

I know where it came from. I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Not terribly but enough - I was hit, locked in the porch so the neighbours could see how awful I was that my parents would need to do that. I was mocked and ridiculed and told no one could love me. If I ever told them about being bullied at school etc they asked what I'd done to deserve it and said that they werent surprised. There's a lot more. There's a lot of nastiness and spite you can fit into someone's childhood. I cant remember if i was ever told I wasn't good enough or whether that is something I've just always told myself. But I've known it my whole life.

I feel like I ought to let him go. We met in the pub. I know he was doing online dating at the time and was chatting to a woman he hadn't yet met. He told her after our first date that he had met someone before deleting the app. I feel really guilty about it.

I feel I ought to let him go and have the chance of being with someone else.

What if she would be better for him?

Give him a try. Keep your eyes peeled for red flags, which you should do anyway.
Keep the friends you have now, and take it easy with the new fella - all things you should do anyway.

I cant remember if i was ever told I wasn't good enough or whether that is something I've just always told myself.
Well stop telling yourself you are not good enough. Of course you're good enough. You're probably terrific.

Why did you not fancy him at first?

OP, you’re saying what my mind is telling me so I’m watching with interest. Except I haven’t met anyone, I don’t go out and no one flirts with me.

You aren't too damaged, but you would definitely feel better by talking to someone such as a counsellor or a therapist. This man liked you enough to ask you out, please try to trust human nature and enjoy a fun time with him.

Keep your eyes peeled for red flags, which you should do anyway.

I know the obvious ones but it's the rest of them that I'm not sure about.

I know that he has 'a couple' of good female friends. Apparently a few women he's dated have asked him not to see them anymore and he refused.

I have male friends and would give a similar response to anyone who asked me not to see them. But I don't know why they asked that. Whether there were boundary issues, whether they are beautiful, whether they are exes or whether there was no reason.

I don't ever take relationships anything but slowly before I push them away completely.

I didn't fancy him for 2 reasons. Firstly, i thought he was too good for me. Secondly, he is quite slightly built and I just though I'd feel enormous next to him.

You have mumsnet for the red flags, many women on here to give you advice when you need it. Try not to worry about that bit.

That sounds like terrible abuse to me. You were a defenceless child and they were supposed to love and protect you, not try to break you.

The Freedom Programme course might make you feel a bit more confident about identifying abusive dynamics? You can do the course online.

I also think you sound like you would probably benefit from proper trauma therapy. You're very clearly traumatised, but that can be changed.

I just don't know if it's worth it.

I mentioned the FP, because it's about recognising the dynamics of abuse in what you see, not trying to memorise some big long checklist of abusive warning signs/behaviours instead of looking at intent and impact.

Otherwise you'll drive yourself round the twist trying to check things off a list that ignores context, see problems that aren't there, and miss problems that are.

Thanks for answering.

He doesn't sound great, but he doesn't sound dreadful either.

I'd concentrate on you right now and get yourself in a good place before dating.

Addressing your trauma might improve your quality of life, even if you don't want to date.

It sounds really painful how things are for you now.

Why not give it a go?.

I would also suggest you look at NAPACs website and contact them, what happened to you as a child was not your fault in any way. That is all on your abusive parents whom I hope you no longer have anything to do with.

Do give therapy a try (have a look at BACP’s website) and do also consider contacting NAPAC.

I don't know if i could do more therapy.

I realise there is trauma.

For example, I don't celebrate my birthday. I usually tell people it's just another day and I'm not bothered. It isnt just another day because it's the worst day of the year.

I isolate myself from everyone as far as possible for a week beforehand. I feel angry and hostile in the actual day. Any attempt by anyone to mark it makes me feel sick my heart pounds and I feel angry and hostile, whilst being on the verge of tears, all day long. I don't receive cards or presents. Any cards I do receive go straight in the bin unopened. Privately though. I wouldn't let anyone know. Any sentiments expressed in them also make me feel sick. It's like a revulsion.

I don't feel that my existence should be celebrated.
I don't feel deserving of recognition. I cant really articulate it

I could have written every single word of your posts apart from the porch bit. I also don’t believe I deserve to be loved or have a relationship and think I’m too damaged now.

I spoke about some of my problems on a recent thread about therapy and someone mentioned Schema Therapy. It does sound like it could really be successful, now that I’ve researched it. I can’t afford it but I’ve just bought this www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B07Q2JVRPT/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8&qid&sr book on Kindle as it seems to include the self help side of Schema Therapy - I really think it’s worth giving it a go.

Don’t let this guy go. He sounds great and you DO deserve love. Please don’t make yourself wait until you feel “good enough”. Just take it one date at a time and work on these beliefs with a professional if you can. I REALLY hope it works out for you. Genuinely

Your post is very sad. Give yourself credit you're probably more clued on to red flags than most.
How would you feel if your friend thought of herself like this.
You deserve happiness as much as the next person, there is a risk with everything.
He sounds really nice.
He might fall for you more

Sorry just read update...he actually doesn’t sound THAT great. Be careful.

You still deserve love though!

I usually hate this line but could you be autistic.
I'd concentrate on you for a time, some cheesy self love.

Not be autistic have autism before I get shot.

Please ignore the autism thing, someone always trots that out

Op, you sound very damaged and you need to seek help, you need therapy you can’t live your life like this and you don’t need to. There is help available to you.

@EmeraldShamrock

I usually hate this line but could you be autistic. I'd concentrate on you for a time, some cheesy self love.

The correct term IS autistic person, not person with autism.

I work in this field. There is nothing within her posting that suggests Autism. She sounds traumatised from abuse and like she has an attachment disorder and that’s why she finds affection almost revolting and pushes people away.

I could also have written your post, I totally get it and feel exactly the same.
(I used to sleep or hide in the outdoor bin shed. The neighbours would ring the police, the police would stand with me at the front door & they would ask my mum to agree not to hit me anymore)

My birthday cards are still in the cupboard from months ago, in the envelopes.

I have been single for 8 years now.

Remember M.N is always here, and what would my advice be? I would tell you, you are totally worthy of being happy, safe and loved OP, and I hope you find it

I'd suggest therapy and keeping the bloke, go easy and slow but don't give up something that brings you happiness because that's your parents hurting you and taking from you again. Fuck them, fuck that. Your anger and revulsion should be at them not at yourself.

You deserve love as much as anyone else. Perhaps more than many because you weren't afforded the love you deserved in childhood.