I think I'm just too damaged.

[SoFuckedOffWithThis]

I met someone recently. It's been a while so I agreed to go on a date with him when he asked. I wasn't sure I fancied him initially but we have a fair bit in common, he's easy to get on with, I think he's attractive and I liked his company so I thought why not?

Anyway, we've been on a few dates now. I feel comfortable with him. He's told me that he fancies me, he finds me attractive and he's asked me to be his girlfriend. I have to admit that I wasn't sure about him until we kissed but there is undeniable chemistry and now I do fancy him too. We haven't had sex yet.

And this is where it all starts to fall apart for me.

I don't feel like i have the right to have a boyfriend or to be in a relationship. I'm scared of missing red flags. I'm scared of falling for him and being hurt. I'm scared of him realising I'm not 'good enough'. Scared he'll find my bum too big and my boobs too saggy. I'm scared he just won't fancy me when he sees me naked.

The problem is that I'm confident enough while it's just dating and flirting. I'm ok until it becomes real and then I just crumble.

I wonder what is wrong with him that he likes me. I tell myself that he sees what he sees and not the mass of insecurities and self doubt that I see. But it doesn't work. I end up feeling resentful and hostile and I create emotional distance.

I find myself repulsive.

As the years go by this is getting worse and not better and i think I'm too damaged.

It sounds like your ego is very fragile at the moment, and maybe it's not great timing yet, that doesn't mean to say that you won't be able to cope with a relationship in the future. Don't give up on therapy, even though you've had a lot, you may need lifelong support.
Of interest is how you found out about him being given ultimatums about his female friends. Did he volunteer that up on a date? - if so, that's an early statement that he does not intend to explain his friendships with women to others, including you, he's saying " wear it, or not, non-negotiable". He's obviously sensitive about it to bring it up so early on, so you are wise to wonder if there could be more to it. If they are exes also, I'd be concerned, even as it's not nice to have them as friends for your ego, regardless of no other lines being crossed. If you found out from mutual friends that this has been an issue for him, it's less of a concern. Do you feel moved to mention you have male friends specifically on a date, and make a point of saying you won't be dropping them? It's a little odd if he came out with it unprompted.

Sending

Some great suggestions here. Good luck and you are worth it. Forget the silly media image with the perfect looks/body etc that is not real. Men love real women with bodies with love handles and saggy bits, seriously remember men aren't perfect either.

You will be perfect to the right man and that's all that matters.

Good luck.

OP I think whatever people write on here, about you being good enough for a relationship etc, will not be good enough for you, IYKNIM?

EVERYONE deserves/has the right to love and be loved. You need to manage those thoughts of yours. Have you done some 'inner child' therapy? Sounds like it may be beneficial for you

Instead of thinking of yourself as broken (you're really NOT), think of yourself as basically OK but with a few knots to untangle. You just need a bit of help to unpick what's causing those tangles - no big deal but it would make your life much easier not to have those knots.

CBT would be hugely helpful for you.

You sound really thoughtful and are very very articulate. People will like you. Honestly.

OP - I'm similar in a different way (does that make sense?!)

I suffered years of abuse from my ex-husband (still do through our kids sadly), and it has really had a huge impact in me. As in, huge. Right down to the point where my anxiety has been so long-term it has even affected my memory/ability to process.

When I first met my now fiancé I tried to bin him after our first date; not because I didn't like him, but because I was terrified of being so badly hurt again.

I friendzoned him for literally months - my self-loathing was so bad I couldn't even give him direct eye contact for a very long time.

But he saw the "real me" beneath my walls. He gave me all the time I needed. Thank goodness he is patient is all I can say!!

Slowly, very slowly, bit by bit I learned to trust again.

We had a baby together last May and to see him with our daughter fills my heart with joy (he never thought he'd be a daddy).

I still struggle with certain relationship matters but I'm working on it. For example, I still find it very hard to initiate physical contact. That's because when I attempted this with my ex-husband he would tell me to "Get off" or say "What the hell do you want?" I also struggle to say "I love you" to my fiancé (although of course I do love him), and have never to this day said it first.

There's a lot I struggle with due to fear of rejection. I'm fortunate in that I've found a partner who gets this and is patient (although I'm sure at times it must frustrate him).

Take things slowly - it's OK to do that and if he's a decent guy he'll go at your pace.

Does he know anything of your past history? I'm not saying to go into detail but it might help him if he knows a little so he can perhaps appreciate your apprehension?

Hi. Thank you so much for the replies.

He told me about the female friends on an early date. I'd been out with a couple of male friends and had been tagged with them on fb so I brought it up. I don't play games and wpuldnt want anyone to have doubts. They both have partners who I know. One was out with her friends and the other couldn't make it. It has been an issue for men I've previously dated that I have male friends so, when he asked how my night out had been, I told him. His response was that he had a couple of female friends and that couple of previous girlfriends had a problem with it and asked him not to see them. He refused saying that he'd had these friends for longer than he'd been in a relationship with them so he understood. I wouldn't dump my male friends for a boyfriend who was invariably going to last only a few months either. But I do wonder why they had a problem with it.

I can't really face more therapy at the moment and I've not found it particularly helpful in the past for changing how I feel about myself.

We are not born unlovable -
This really hit home to me about the abuse I grew up with.
It’s not you 💐 It’s your dysfunctional parents - they gave you these messages but they are not right.
Utube have great video to watch - therapy too could be helpful.
Also look at Adult Children of Alcoholics AND dysfunctional families - you would identify with some traits.
Men are simple in a way - he likes you, you like him - take it slowly -

It sounds to me that your emotional self defence mechanism kicks in when you fear rejection, to protect you from further hurt. Your awful treatment as a child is at the root of this and, as another poster suggested, I second doing some 'inner child' therapy. I did this through the Foundation for Emotional Therapeutic Counselling and it really helped me. A good book is Recovery of Your Inner Child, by Lucia Cappaccione. It's also available on audible.

Something that really struck me during counselling was the concept that a frailty (eg. a behaviour that has a negative impact on my life - avoidance, disassociation, aloofness etc) is actually a strength that is overplayed. You developed emotional strategies (strengths) as a child to protect yourself from further hurt because you needed to. Now however those strengths are preventing you from forming healthy emotional relationships. You fear rejection so you avoid/shut down emotional attachment. That's a strength, but it needs dialling back. I found understanding that really helpful.

You need professional help to address the abuse you suffered during your childhood, and you need to be prepared for the huge change it will bring about in your relationships within your family. Good luck.

I haven't told him anything about my past. I asked him if he'd had a happy childhood. He said he'd had a wonderful childhood and was very lucky to have the parents he did. All I said was that mine wasn't great but I changed it when it was my turn. I have an adult child. Sadly, he also sees me and, whilst he doesn't doubt that I love him, he does doubt that I've ever loved anyone else.

I've tried to tell people some of it in the past. I've made men cry with some of the details but I've never felt that they've really understood it and it hasn't made a difference really.

I have a male friend who I used to quite fancy and we had a drunken conversation once where he told me that he loved me. We kissed but he didn't want to take it any further because he said he'd known me for long enough to know that I would never actually be able to love him. He was right. The thought of it scares me. As soon as I develop any feelings for anyone I push them away. I shut down the feelings and begin to avoid them to get the feelings under control.

Nicknamegoeshere

I can't imagine meeting anyone who would be bothered to stick around for that long or who saw the real me underneath it all and thought I was worth it.

It's not happened so far. I just can't imagine anyone thinking I was worth that effort.

The 'knots to untangle' analogy is a good one but thee are so many and they're so knotty that, if I were a ball of wool, you'd just throw me away and try a different one. The knots are very tight.

He's told me that he really fancies me and that despite all the flirting he is happy to take things at what ever pace i want. But I've heard that before too. I don't know if i want to build up a close emotional connection before having sex though. I tend to avoid close emotional connections.

Men love real women with bodies with love handles and saggy bits

I know this is true but I can't reconcile it with myself.

I've heard about the inner child therapy before. And the emotional self defence bit makes a lot of sense.

It's hard to explain really.

He told me about the conversation he had with the woman he was talking to online.

I met him when I was out. We had a great time together and got on really well. He said he found me really easy to be around. I'm not surprised by that bit. I have been told that before.

After the first actual date we went on, he told me he'd deleted the dating app from his phone and deleted his profile. He said that he'd been talking to a woman he shared a hobby with. He said he'd told her that he'd met someone and was going to see how it went and suggested to her that they could meet up after lockdown and do their shared hobby together if she wanted to but it would only be platonic. I dont know if she replied but they will obviously have exchanged numbers if they are considering this.

How can I compete with a woman he was attracted to on online dating who he shares a hobby with? I'm not interested in feeling insecure or jealous or in competing with someone else. I can feel myself withdrawing as a result.

I don't know if they are still in contact or how often or the nature of that contact. Or even if she agreed to it.

I know that if he meets up with her and decides to choose her over me theres nothing I can do about it. It's not that I'm worried about. If it happens, it happens. It's more that i feel it is inevitable and so I'd rather now out gracefully now.

OP please learn to love yourself and to allow others to love you too. Believe in yourself ♥️

Whatever you may think about him, or any man, for that matter is irrelevant. Because you have quite serious emotional baggage you do need to deal with first. He isn't going to fill a gap for you, and you'll either self sabotage or feel worse if it ends. And it is likely to, because if you don't feel worthy of love you won't accept and enjoy it, and that doesn't make for healthy relationships. You haven't even been intimate with him yet, just a few dates and are already so focused on the nuances of his friendships, it's not a great way to start off.

You say you've tried and didn't like therapy. Was it maybe the wrong therapist or the wrong type of therapy? Because it will be a long, slow, painful process but if you can't shift the mindset yourself, only a professional can help. There aren't any short cuts to emotional health sadly, especially when the roots run deep. I know friends who have been helped by having a pet, that easy love is a way to train your mind to accept it apparently.

I really hope you will one day have a breakthrough where you realise that we all deserve love. You're clearly resilient and strong and a survivor! Anyone would love to have those qualities in a partner. Good luck x

I'm not focused on the friendships as such. Just not sure if they are red flags. I actually don't care if he has female friends but the fact previous girlfriends had a problem with it makes me wonder why.

I am strong and resilient. It's the sense that I've got to be better than everyone else all the time in order for someone to love me that I can't deal with.

If someone is younger, prettier, slimmer, more compatible, funnier I feel myself thinking - well that's that then. I dont really understand what people fall in love with. Or why someone would choose me when presented with someone who better ticked those boxes.

I have a pet. I love her and I am her person bit that's not the same as a person. Animals are far more accepting than people. They don't care what you look like as long as you feed and stroke them.

You need to learn to love yourself!

Men love real women with bodies with love handles and saggy bits
All biological women are real women.
Sorry not trying to derail OP.

The correct term IS autistic person, not person with autism
I say my DC have autism I don't refer to them as an autistic person.
Please ignore the autism thing, someone always trots that out
That was my first time ever based on my experience of living with 2 DC with autism.
OP your insecurities run very deep I hope you get to the bottom of it.

@EmeraldShamrock

The correct term IS autistic person, not person with autism I say my DC have autism I don't refer to them as an autistic person. Please ignore the autism thing, someone always trots that out That was my first time ever based on my experience of living with 2 DC with autism. OP your insecurities run very deep I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Repeated research studies show that parents prefer to say there child HAS autism but autistic people themselves prefer to say they are autistic as it’s such an inherent part of them. Working in SEN I was never to say “Nathan has autism” but “Nathan is autistic”, very different to any other diagnosis. Eg never say “Joe is Down’s Syndrome” but “Joe has Down Syndrome” not “Helen is Albino” but “Helen has Albinism”.

I have never been criticised for saying “is Autistic” but was regularly flamed early in my career by Autistic adults and colleagues for saying “has Autism” and told to stop it. I prefer to use the term that Autistic people are happier with rather than what I am more comfortable with.

www.google.co.uk/amp/amp.abc.net.au/article/life/10903768

@NameChange84 That makes sense.

I am similar to you, I had a similar childhood and it drives me mad that whatever good things I achieve, whatever good things I do, however many times I think I have moved on, still something will happen which will bring the narrative back - "you don't deserve anything good". I think my advice here is that you just have to see it as it is, and each time you get the narrative, consciously negate it and reject it.

I think you are minimising your childhood when you say "it wasn't that bad". Being hit does have a terrible impact on you, but more than this, it is where you are being hit by someone who does not say sorry, who does not care about you, who doesn't know you, who doesn't have your back, who doesn't help you and teach you how to live well and reach your potential and nurture you. If you had had all that you wouldn't feel the way you do.

There is another thread on here at the moment and though it is short I think it has some really good advice for you (and for me and everyone else with similar narratives) so I have linked. My takeaway from it is to consciously do something which is kind to yourself when you are being overwhelmed by a feeling of not being good enough.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4070284-How-to-get-past-childhood-abandonment-rejection

One other thing - once you have got your head around the fact that you do deserve good things and that someone could fall in love with you, you will at some point need to have an adult conversation with the person you want a relationship with, and how they respond will help you decide whether this person is the right person for you. You cannot have an intimate relationship with someone unless you can feel you can share your thoughts and feelings. This isn't so much a "can you make this better for me" more "this is where i am at". You do need to still be responsible for your feelings.

If you are talking to someone who had a very different childhood, they may still have the emotional maturity to understand what you are talking about and this is what you want, but the better you can explain it, the better. This is where therapy might in fact help, not so much to try to take on that momentous task of getting over it, more to be really clear about where it comes from and the affect it has sometimes, to make it easier to explain to others?

These are just my thoughts on it, though, I might be wrong.

Hi @SoFuckedOffWithThis I think you’re incredible, you’ve come so far after everything that your parents did to you.

I would recommend, as others have, NAPAC and also consider EMDR, which has been used for PTSD successfully. I would be surprised if you didn’t have PTSD from your description of your childhood.

I am not sure what to advise about this man. Partly I want to say just go with it for now, you never know it may be great and give you a much needed boost to your esteem. However then I think about how you have felt when things get more intimate and that’s why I feel on balance maybe you need to get yourself some care and get your esteem and own perspective of yourself in a better place first.

That’s not a judgment on him. It’s just what is right for you. It doesn’t mean he’s not good for you or that you’re not good for him. It’s just you need time to work on yourself.

Thanks for all the replies.

I've looked at the napac website. I'm not sure about calling and talking to someone on the phone though. Im not sure what help that would be? I would say i experience most of the impacts they describe.

beitdontdreamit that's very much how I feel. And the 3 steps forward 2 steps back experience is very destabilising at times. I feel it all takes so much effort with very little reward or benefit.

I've never really talked about it with previous boyfriends. I have mentioned incidents but never really talked about the impact of them.

I can't imagine anyone ever caring enough to stick around if they knew tbh. But the impact has caused problems in every relationship. I think I'm probably just more bother than I'm worth. Ironically, now I have a better understanding of myself, I am both much better than I was but can also see my own red flags.

I don't think I'm ever going to be like the abuse never happened so I just have to try and get on as best as I can living with it or take myself out of 'normal life' completely.

I don't expect anyone to fix me or to make it feel better. Maybe I did when I was younger but it wasn't intentional. I think I just thought that if someone loved me it would take away al the hurt of the past but I now realise it wasn't just 'hurt' it was fundamentally who I had become.

I don't get jealous and I don't behave insecurely but I do withdraw and put up barriers. That's probably my 'worst' trait.

I have thought about what you have said about being more open about it and might give that a go with this man. Even if it doesnt work out with him (and maybe it shouldn't) it would give me some practice in doing so. I'm wary about doing so because some people say that that means abusers can see your vulnerability. But if I don't then I've got no chance of having a relationship. I just can't imagine why someone would choose me with all my stuff over someone who doesnt have that stuff.