I think I'm just too damaged.

[SoFuckedOffWithThis]

I met someone recently. It's been a while so I agreed to go on a date with him when he asked. I wasn't sure I fancied him initially but we have a fair bit in common, he's easy to get on with, I think he's attractive and I liked his company so I thought why not?

Anyway, we've been on a few dates now. I feel comfortable with him. He's told me that he fancies me, he finds me attractive and he's asked me to be his girlfriend. I have to admit that I wasn't sure about him until we kissed but there is undeniable chemistry and now I do fancy him too. We haven't had sex yet.

And this is where it all starts to fall apart for me.

I don't feel like i have the right to have a boyfriend or to be in a relationship. I'm scared of missing red flags. I'm scared of falling for him and being hurt. I'm scared of him realising I'm not 'good enough'. Scared he'll find my bum too big and my boobs too saggy. I'm scared he just won't fancy me when he sees me naked.

The problem is that I'm confident enough while it's just dating and flirting. I'm ok until it becomes real and then I just crumble.

I wonder what is wrong with him that he likes me. I tell myself that he sees what he sees and not the mass of insecurities and self doubt that I see. But it doesn't work. I end up feeling resentful and hostile and I create emotional distance.

I find myself repulsive.

As the years go by this is getting worse and not better and i think I'm too damaged.

OP, you’re saying what my mind is telling me so I’m watching with interest. Except I haven’t met anyone, I don’t go out and no one flirts with me.

^ this

In my case an emotionally abusive marriage has damaged me, but it wasn’t nearly as hard as your childhood sounds like it was @SoFuckedOffWithThis . Added to which children are of course completely defenceless.

In my case I carry a lot of shame, longing and insecurity, and I don’t know how anyone who expressed any interest in me would be able to cope with it. I would also like someone less for liking me, but no one shows an interest in me.. I live an emotionally barren kind of life and it makes me sad.

@whatisgoingtohappen

OP, you’re saying what my mind is telling me so I’m watching with interest. Except I haven’t met anyone, I don’t go out and no one flirts with me.

^ this

In my case an emotionally abusive marriage has damaged me, but it wasn’t nearly as hard as your childhood sounds like it was @SoFuckedOffWithThis . Added to which children are of course completely defenceless.

In my case I carry a lot of shame, longing and insecurity, and I don’t know how anyone who expressed any interest in me would be able to cope with it. I would also like someone less for liking me, but no one shows an interest in me.. I live an emotionally barren kind of life and it makes me sad.

I’ve never read anything I could relate to more... I wish I knew how we could fix this...

Reading this thread has really helped in some ways, because when it’s other people saying these things about themselves I can see how awful it is and also, just not true! But when it’s me...I 100% believe it.

Let’s hope we all find the healing and answers we need.

About the red flags, it's never too late to learn! I also had no idea of what to look out for and have been in a string of unhealthy relationships as chaos and drama were very normal for me as a child. But there's so much info out there, even just to Google relationship red flags and you will be inundated with results.

If you didn't have positive caring relationships modelled to you as a child you have to learn it all by yourself. It's tough but not impossible, have faith in yourself. Regardless of this guy, it's essential learning IMO

Thank you for the flowers @NameChange84 - for you too. I’ve just bought the kindle book you recommended further up the thread, thank you.

Hi. Just thought I'd come back with an update.

I spent the evening with him last night. We've been on a few dates and neither of us was already in a support bubble so, when we went into lockdown, he asked if I wanted to bubble with him. I had no reason not to, so agreed. Thought it would be nice to have someone to spend the time with if nothing else.

So I went round for dinner last night. Our dates so far have been in the pub, dinner or outside so it was the first time I'd been round. We had a really lovely evening. I didn't tell him any of my 'stuff' but we were together for 10 hours in the end (I didnt intend on staying that long!). We both shared a lot about our selves. We both find each other really easy company and the conversation flowed well. Silences were few and far between and comfortable rather than awkward. There is clearly a lot of chemistry between us. We spent the last few hours of the evening in various states of undress. We didn't have penetrative sex but 'fooled around' a lot and it was really easy and nice - chatting in between. On every date we've been on so far, he's been kind, thoughtful, respectful, attentive and appropriately complimentary.

But (and there's always a but isn't there?) last night, he mentioned that his last relationship was with a woman he dated for a couple of months during summer 2019. He didn't tell me why they split up but said they'd remained friends and that she is a 'lovely girl'. Fair enough.

But during our chatting in between fooling around he mentioned her three times. The first time to tell me that she kept the same pets as me but that mine sounded far more agreeable than hers. The second time, we were talking about snoring. He said he didn't but told me that he did fidget a lot during his sleep and then added that she had fidgeted too and had occasionally elbowed him in the face in her sleep and, finally, I told him something about myself and he said that she was the same and so he understood. On that occasion, I told him that I didn't need to be compared to his exes. He replied, "Oh, it's a bit rude. Sorry. I won't do it again."

I did have a quick look at her on fb when i got in - just to see what sort of interaction they have. He 'loved' her last profile picture update which was made after he and I met. And she has tagged him in her last 4 status updates. They comment on every post the other makes. Nothing inappropriate but it's a high level of interaction.

Before I left, we made plans for me to go and stay next weekend and pencilled in plans to meet up one evening in the week. However, by the time I got home, I'd decided that I'm going to end it with him tomorrow. I'm not a jealous person but I want to be with someone who thinks I'm special and who feels lucky to have met me. Not someone who clearly has unfinished business with an ex and certainly not someone who is going to be constantly reminded of that ex when we are together - whether he tells me about it or not.

So, yeah, I do get asked out occasionally but it always ends because I'm not special to anyone. I'm always the 'will do for now' option and I'm not going to give him chance to make me feel crappy about myself or insecure.

He replied, "Oh, it's a bit rude. Sorry. I won't do it again."

Sorry, it was in between acknowledging it was a bit rude and saying that he wouldn't do it again that he explained he was only trying to demonstrate that he understood because she had been the same.

In my case I carry a lot of shame, longing and insecurity, and I don’t know how anyone who expressed any interest in me would be able to cope with it. I would also like someone less for liking me, but no one shows an interest in me.. I live an emotionally barren kind of life and it makes me sad.

Yes, this is very much how I feel. Especially the liking someone less for liking me bit. It's an odd one isn't it? I'm ultimately repelled by the thing I want the most

Reading this thread has really helped in some ways, because when it’s other people saying these things about themselves I can see how awful it is and also, just not true! But when it’s me...I 100% believe it.

It is helpful. I know exactly what you mean. I can see the flawed thinking when someone else says it but, when it's to do with me, it feels an incontrovertible truth.

Bbub

I got this red flag at least...

Stupid thing is, he is actually really similar to my most recent ex - all the good stuff and the quirky stuff - which I hadn't realised until this evening. God, even the stupid nicknames he had for rooms in his house were the same! It happens. But I wouldn't have dreamt of saying so. Certainly not while we were cuddling naked!

I'm still friends with my most recent ex. We text a couple of times a week and we met up for a beer the evening before lockdown. It's purely platonic now - I certainly don't have any feelings for him and the feeling is mutual. So I know it's possible, but it was the lack of sensitivity he demonstrated and the fact he was thinking about her when we were being intimate that is the issue for me.

It would be really nice, just once, to meet someone who could genuinely care about me.

It would be really nice, just once, to meet someone who could genuinely care about me.

It feels so impossible that everytime I meet someone, I expect it to end. I have no experience of a real relationship. I can't imagine what it would look like or how it would feel to have one now.

Or am I jumping the gun? Should it be a conversation?

I think it should be a conversation yes. Nothing to lose really as it doesn’t sound as if you are too attached yet. He sounds unaware (a bit childish?) rather than deliberately hurtful. In your situation (hardly qualified as I just have my one awful marriage under my belt 😂 but anyway) I would say that you like him but it feels as if he is not really over this ex - is it best if you leave it between you two for the time being. And see what he says and then decide.

I agree with whatisgoingtohappen

Don’t just cut him off. Explain that you like him and that for the most part it was a nice evening but you are feeling like he isn’t over his ex as he kept mentioning her and it ruined the moment for you. Say that you are prepared to give him another chance if he can assure you he isn’t still harbouring feelings for her and that he won’t keep bringing her up.

I'd decided that I'm going to end it with him tomorrow. I'm not a jealous person but I want to be with someone who thinks I'm special and who feels lucky to have met me. Not someone who clearly has unfinished business with an ex and certainly not someone who is going to be constantly reminded of that ex when we are together.

This is perfect really...tell him.

No, not too attached just disappointed and incredulous that, yet again, I'm not enough.

I'm pretty sure that no one has been hung up on me over 12 months later. I've not got in the way of someone having a new relationship.

Why can't I just meet someone who likes me. For whom I'm enough?

What exactly do I have to do?

Its never happened. Not once.

I'm going to phone him this evening. I'm not going into next week with this hanging over me.

@SoFuckedOffWithThis

No, not too attached just disappointed and incredulous that, yet again, I'm not enough.

I'm pretty sure that no one has been hung up on me over 12 months later. I've not got in the way of someone having a new relationship.

Why can't I just meet someone who likes me. For whom I'm enough?

What exactly do I have to do?

Its never happened. Not once.

I'm going to phone him this evening. I'm not going into next week with this hanging over me.

He’s not had a relationship with you yet, really. The whole love at first sight, fireworks shebang rarely lasts...relationships and real, lasting love and respect take time, effort and communication. If you are anything like me, you will write people off so quickly they won’t have a chance to love you.

It’s early days with this guy and you don’t have the same history as he does with his ex. Give it time (if he is a decent guy and deserves your time) and maybe he will be totally “hung up”, hook line and sinker for you.

Don’t be too hasty. It’s not on to keep bringing up an ex but tell him, see if he changes and if he does, then great.

Just give him a chance to rectify things at least. For all you know he might be beating himself up today thinking “why the heck did I keep going on about my ex! I’ve blown it with this great woman and I feel like an idiot”.

Ok.

I think I'll ask him how long they were together and when they split up (he just said he was seeing her for a couple of months last summer) and then say that I got the sense last night that he wasn't really over her.

Obviously, if he says that he does have residual feelings for her, then I'll end it. If he denies that, then I'll say pretty much what I said that NameChange highlighted. And take it from there.

He’s not had a relationship with you yet, really. The whole love at first sight, fireworks shebang rarely lasts

No I know that and, tbh, I didn't have that anyway. I'm very cautious.

But I don't see the point in even attempting to date someone if you still have feelings for an ex 12 months on. Surely you sort that bit out first?

We've been on a few dates. It's nothing but I've no desire to feel like I'm second place in a race I didn't sign up to run before we've even started!

If you are anything like me, you will write people off so quickly they won’t have a chance to love you.

Uesm I do do that.

I think about this and then I wonder how on earth people manage to have affairs!

How do people live with the fact that the person they're shagging is in an actual relationship with someone else??

He’s not had a relationship with you yet, really. The whole love at first sight, fireworks shebang rarely lasts

No I know that and, tbh, I didn't have that anyway. I'm very cautious.

Yeah, I get that but it’s almost like you (and I do this too) are wanting HIM to fall head over heels in undeniable love/attraction etc for you whilst being very cautious yourself. At the moment...maybe he does still miss her yeah, and that’s a hard fact, but he’s simply spent more time with her and had a chance to build up more intimacy with her than you and with time, that could change. It’s not going to change if he keeps banging on about her. But if you calmly express that by keeping mentioning her it’s ruining the start of your relationship and making you feel like he compares you and you come up short, you at least give him a chance to be more aware, to stop and to realise that he could be sabotaging something good.

But I don't see the point in even attempting to date someone if you still have feelings for an ex 12 months on. Surely you sort that bit out first?

I have no desire to ever see my ex of six years ago again. I want to meet someone totally different from him. But I still have some complicated feelings about him and I occasionally mention him. I have to make a very deliberate and conscious effort not to compare people to him and not to mention him around new men (although at some point, if I’m open about the pain I’ve been through I will have to mention him and how his emotional abuse affected me). Most people, who haven’t been through years of therapy and who go through life as painfully unaware of their subconscious as we are as painfully aware of our many pitfalls, have no idea why they say and do what they do and sometimes need someone to point out that certain behaviour doesn’t meet their standards. I’m not saying excuse it. I’m saying raise it, give him one more chance and if it continues ditch him, if it stops...happy days.

How do people live with the fact that the person they're shagging is in an actual relationship with someone else??

Usually been fed an elaborate back story about an unhappy/sexless/controlling relationship and believe the other person is inherently bad/evil and so deserves it. Or their own Daddy/Mommy issues which make them believe they are only good enough to be someone’s bit on the side and that someone hurt them so it’s somehow justified for them to pinch someone else’s man/woman/father/mother. Or only motivated by money/sex/power. Also...and I’m not excusing affairs, but some people just aren’t strong enough to say no when they fall in love with someone else. Our whole society is geared around “don’t give up on love”...and I really believe it is possible for someone to be married and fall in love with someone else. Not everyone is decent enough to prioritise the marriage vows and work at the marriage. It takes self sacrifice and again...that’s not something our society tells us we should do.

OP, I used to feel like that about myself. At heart, I still do. But a few years ago, I thought 'Sod it, if they're not bothered, why should I be?'
So, if someone thinks I'm attractive, I secretly wonder about their powers of discrimination, and get on with enjoying the attention.

At the moment...maybe he does still miss her yeah, and that’s a hard fact, but he’s simply spent more time with her and had a chance to build up more intimacy with her than you and with time, that could change

I have no desire to ever see my ex of six years ago again

I don't want him to have fallen head over heels in love with me. It's only been a couple of weeks. But I don't want to be with someone who misses their ex of a couple of months (very different to your 6 years) after 12 months. They're still friends. That's only going to extend any residual feelings if there are any. Plus thebway you are responding to it - not comparing or mentioning- is very different to what he was doing, which was actively comparing me to her - pets, character traits, reminiscing about being in bed with her...

I don't want to waste my time on someone who is on the rebound quite frankly.

Hailtomyteeth

I see what you're saying. But none of the "Tell me why your DP is so great" threads on here start with a man who is hung up on his ex...

Ok. I've just spoken with him. She and I have certain 'similarities' and he apologised and said it was a ham fisted way of trying to demonstrate that he 'gets it'. He apologised for being tactless and said he'd be more mindful in future.

He said they are still friends but he doesn't have any romantic feelings towards her.

So I guess I'll see how it goes.

Your comments about your birthday struck a chord with me. I'm approaching my birthday soon, and as usual I can feel myself getting low.

Birthdays are unique and what makes you unique and special. But when you've never, ever, ever had a cuddle in your childhood, just criticised, not supported, ignored, physically abused etc birthdays are a reminder that you're not good enough.

I dont even tell people it's my birthday I want cope with the pain even though deep down I'd love to be made a fuss of.

Mums1234

❤ x

I would have felt exactly the same as you about him mentioning his previous girlfriend. I would think either that he still held a candle for her or that he lacked social skills to a great extent and either and both would be very off putting!

This isn't advice as such but I think in your shoes I would keep it at getting to know each other stage, going out, doing things together. If you have good chemistry there is always that temptation which is why going out might be better than dinner in. If he still has a candle for the other woman it will come out if you are spending a lot of time getting to know each other. I would want to know for sure and feel certain about it inside before jumping into bed with him, personally. I am not against having a casual sexual thing with someone, but you'd want to be clear which one this was, the start of a proper relationship or something casual!

Going back to how you feel, yes I think it is to do with learning to live with it. Have you ever tried writing down chronologically everything which happened? When I did that it was really, really helpful, more helpful than I thought it would be. I basically did a mind dump, typing it all out as it came into my head, and then read through it afterwards.

Doing this helps to make new connections about things that happened and their significance and also helps you to process the feelings, of anger and loss etc.

You mentioned that you were aware that some men will exploit vulnerability and I think (a) getting to know yourself and your feelings really well like this helps and (b) consciously (ie even if you don't believe you deserve it) having high expectations for yourself, wanting someone to be in love you and to want to treat you well because they don't want to hurt you etc helps too.

I learned about emotional connection when I had my first baby, I think. It was a real "Oh I see, that is what they meant" moment! was reading a relationship article recently and it mentioned that basically a good relationship needs to have that sort of same feeling about it - a really deep level of care and interest and understanding - but also with shit hot chemistry thrown in!

Bottom line, I don't have much more than an idea than you have but can tell you that you and everyone deserves the real thing with someone, so keep your expectations high, don't settle

What a sad thread. OP and others' experiences.

Of course you deserve love, all of you.

I agree with writing stuff down as proposed by the previous poster. I found it has helped me process stuff. One thing I would add is after writing and reading, not necessarily immediately if you still need to mull it over, is to burn it. It's literally changing the energy and power of it.

Wishing you all the best OP.