I think I'm just too damaged.

[SoFuckedOffWithThis]

I met someone recently. It's been a while so I agreed to go on a date with him when he asked. I wasn't sure I fancied him initially but we have a fair bit in common, he's easy to get on with, I think he's attractive and I liked his company so I thought why not?

Anyway, we've been on a few dates now. I feel comfortable with him. He's told me that he fancies me, he finds me attractive and he's asked me to be his girlfriend. I have to admit that I wasn't sure about him until we kissed but there is undeniable chemistry and now I do fancy him too. We haven't had sex yet.

And this is where it all starts to fall apart for me.

I don't feel like i have the right to have a boyfriend or to be in a relationship. I'm scared of missing red flags. I'm scared of falling for him and being hurt. I'm scared of him realising I'm not 'good enough'. Scared he'll find my bum too big and my boobs too saggy. I'm scared he just won't fancy me when he sees me naked.

The problem is that I'm confident enough while it's just dating and flirting. I'm ok until it becomes real and then I just crumble.

I wonder what is wrong with him that he likes me. I tell myself that he sees what he sees and not the mass of insecurities and self doubt that I see. But it doesn't work. I end up feeling resentful and hostile and I create emotional distance.

I find myself repulsive.

As the years go by this is getting worse and not better and i think I'm too damaged.

Thanks. I have written stuff down. It's astonishing what you actually forget. I've done it periodically.

I found something I wrote 20 years ago a few months ago. It was really sad to read and I'd forgotten a lot of it. So I know how useful it can be in terms of processing.

I have done it more recently too (within the last couple of years). I also have a friend I can tell anything to and it goes nowhere. He doesn't judge or offer advice. He just listens and responds appropriately. A rare man who doesn't seek to 'fix'!

That's how I've got to where I am now and haven't competely imploded.

At the moment, I'm struggling though and finding it difficult to stay focused on a single thought. I think a lot of that is covid related too though.

Hi @SoFuckedOffWithThis - your thread and the fact that I think I will never be in another relationship due to my marriage and what that was like, prompted me to look at various books on Amazon yesterday.

I ordered one which is specifically for people who have been in abusive marriages, but while looking came across this one which looks interesting - “Getting Past Your Past”.

www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Past-Your-Self-Help-Techniques-ebook/dp/B00758AT24/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

If anyone on this thread is interested, the one I ordered (cheesy cover but the content looks good) is “The Woman You Want To Be”:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0244718261/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_0244718261?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Thanks!

I'm going to look at that when I get home from work tonight.

A relationships counsellor who posts on mumsnet sometimes has said that she has found that where she can help clients to work through and process their feelings about the past then the clients do then often fairly quickly go on to meet someone and have a healthy relationship

Your man friend (who doesn't try to fix) sounds very nice.

How old are you op? Xx

Your man friend (who doesn't try to fix) sounds very nice

He is. He is also in a very solid relationship with an equally lovely woman!

Larochkaaa

Wrong side of 40...

Theres no right side or wrong side of 40 OP. Theres just the side you're on. Sorry if that sounds really nitpicky, but if you are struggling with low self esteem (and you are) the language you use about yourself is important! So vent by all means e.g. "I feel worthless etc", but be careful not to state those feelings as facts. E.g. it is a fact that you are in your 40s. It is untrue to say you are on the wrong side of your 40s. You may feel ugly sometimes. It is untrue to say "I am ugly" etc etc.

yetanothernamitynamechange

Yes, you're right. I really meant the wrong side of 40 to still be dealing with this and feeling like this.

It's been my whole life. There was no 'before' - this is just it. Sometimes the thought of 'getting better' scares me even more than the thought of feeling like this forever. So much wasted time.

Yes I understand. I mentioned it because I have (and sometimes still do) suffer from incredibly negative feelings about myself. I found actively catchiing myself when I thought or said unkind things about myself important to starting to feel better.
It was easier for me because, like some other posters, most of the events that really damaged my self esteem (dv) happened when I was an adult. So, although I had very bad self esteem for a long time it would have been less deeply engrained than yours was. However, although I know it seems really cheesy and bleurgh, but doing positive affirmations every day did help. So, for example, every day in the mirror saying "I am lovable, I am perfect just the way I am, I am kind" etc etc. Whatever you would find most useful. Even if you are thinking the opposite saying those sorts of things daily outloud does make a difference eventually (because you start to believe it). It is super super cringy to do, but I get the feeling that no matter how much other people on here or in real life told you you deserved happiness you wouldnt believe it so you need to repeat it to youself. It isnt an alternative to therapy, but as you said therapy is very intense and its fine not to feel up to it. Also, because it seems so ridiculous, its easier to do if you are scared of feeling better because its not a big thing.