Teenage daughter - cold, uncaring, uncommunicative, rude. At my wits end.

[Madlollyoftheshire]

That’s about it really, I just don’t know how to deal/help her and it’s killing me. Would so appreciate any wise words or positive suggestIons from anyone who has experience of this, as it feels like we have lost our daughter.

My partner of 22 years and I have 2 daughters: our eldest is 19 and is kind, empathetic, sociable and sensitive. She has had her fair share of issues (struggled at school with severe dyslexia, skin surgery, boyfriend problems) but has got on with life and always been open with me and her dad and generally we all get on extremely well. However, our
youngest, who is 15, is the opposite and each of us has always found her challenging to be around, even from when she was little. She is incredibly strong-willed, in fact we “joke” that she would make good SAS material, as nothing phases her, she never cracks, ie, never backs down or apologies if she had upset anyone or been rude and if she’s not happy about something, even something as minor as one of us trying to start a conversation with her, she reacts immediately, usually by storming off and going incommunicado for long periods (even days) until one of us, usually me, apologises for upsetting her - even if I don’t know how it happened. I realise teenagers can be sullen, uncommunicative and difficult, but this is a whole other level - she hardly talks to any of us, won’t smile or spend any time AT ALL with any of us and spends all her time in her bedroom, including mealtimes. Despite my many attempts, car journeys are silent, as she will not engage. She refuses to eat with us, taking food to her room instead and rarely comes out to eat at restaurants with us - if she does, she won’t talk to us, just sits looking miserable. She borrows clothes and makeup from her sister without asking, and literally throws them back in her room without a word afterwards. Her sister says she hates her, and insists she really does as “M is a vile human being” and has given up trying to be nice to her anymore. My partner and I are still trying, but it is so hard to make the effort to even communicate with her, as we get so Very little back, usually negative. The only time’s she will make any effort Is when she wants us to buy something for her, then as soon as she has it, it is like a switch has flicked and she is back to her usual uncommunicative self - it’s so predictable! I do it because its the only time she seems to want Anything to do with me! Im also very concerned that she can be unkind and lack compassion - she says hurtful things about people/children/animals she finds ugly or annoying, including that she would like to slap/kick them, and seems unmoved when other people or animals are distressed. I find this really upsetting. Holidays are a waste of time and money, as she still won’t talk to us and stays in her room. She seems to think so little of her family that I would not be surprised if one day she just leaves home and we never see or hear from her again! I am so sad about it all.

She does have a few friends, seems happy at school and is doing OK academically, not great, but ok. She has no hobbies or interests, and believe me, we have tried so hard on that front. She spent virtually the whole of lockdown In her room alone. Her sister thinks she’s narcissistic or autistic....I just don’t know what to think.

On the rare occasions she has opened up to me she says ‘I’m OK, just Leave me alone”.

The advice we have had (from friends mainly - she refuses to see a counsellor), so far Is to leave her alone and wait for her to “come out the other side”, but she’s been like this for about 6 years, and I’m now seriously doubting she will Ever change and leaving her to it feels like I’m failing her - you just want your children to be happy, and kind, don’t you?

Can anyone offer any advice please - is this really how she will end up, because it’s a very depressing prospect?

Thank you to anyone who has read all this and has anything positive to offer.

Depending on where you are sometimes parents can refer for the assessments themselves.

Although waiting lists are very long.

I should add after 18 months of waiting and one particularly bad melt down where my DD tried to attack me with something.

We paid for a private assessment it was the best money we have ever spent and I'm pleased to say we have never had another incident like that.

Thank you so much to all of those who took the time to post - and apologies that I haven’t been able to post before now - it’s been a busy day! There are certainly a few possibilities for us to consider and look into. I am grateful to those who have shared similar issues they have experienced, and whilst I am sorry to hear of the difficulties they/you have been through, it is comforting to know that we are not alone, or bad parents. There are clearly no quick answers, but I do now feel more positive about the future, as this thread has provided a few avenues for us to explore, so hopefully an explanation/diagnosis and, therefore, coping strategies may exist to help us all - we thought we had exhausted all options. Thank you all once again.

You can consider how triggering or not your home is to living with ASD. Here is a resource around sensory overload and how to reduce it. It might help and doesn’t require waiting for a diagnosis - and it’s likely that it will be lifestyle adaptations that you would end up making. I do think that a mind switch to compassion not comparing and taking her lead on how she wants to interact gently will help you all. I would be careful with siblings - your older daughter should not be encouraged to diagnose or use nasty language about her sister despite her bad behaviour. She is old enough now to understand that her younger sister may have an undiagnosed and therefore unsupported / untreated MH diagnosis / disability. Your older daughter should also express empathy and compassion and back off and allow her younger sister the attention she had from her parents when she was in the depths of her own issues now resolved. Encourage her to be more adult and kind. In addition we all need boundaries of kindness and respect and maybe older DD could start off demonstrating this. My DD is 3rd in 4 - I had to educate and support the others that we were not dealing with “normal” and to have more compassion for their emotionally suffering sibling who did not then and may not have the social / life opportunities that they have. This didn’t mean that they had to tolerate abuse / moods from her - but that they could take a choice to RESPOND through a lens of compassion / disability rather than REACT with anger and contempt. As PP has said and I said in my earlier post sorting out my own reactive behaviours in my marriage and the toxic dynamic was a game changer (for all 6 of us). My DD finds it hard to read emotions but can certainly feel the atmosphere - probably more than others.

I hope you can take little steps and make some progress every day. I wish your family well.

livingautism.com/create-autism-friendly-environment/

Aside from the queries over eating, is she physically well? My DD was horrible for a while and it turned out her thyroid had gone haywire. I now think we should all have full blood counts once a year, like in France!

Good luck OP, you sound like a loving family facing a real challenge: I hope you can pull each other through it successfully 💐

Hey, if this worked for your kids that is fab, but I can honestly say (and I work with children/young people) it really is NOT as simple as the carrot or the stick for some young people. There are those it will just drive to escalate behaviours. It is far too black and white. Operant conditioning is OK for dog training perhaps and is Pavlovian, but not really 'people training'. There are too many variables in humans and the source of anti-social behaviours is far too complex. If it worked and was that simple people would have been doing it for years successfully and we all know they haven't.

I’m no expert at all but my guess is autism , she could be burned out from social interaction and school and can take off that mask when home in a safe space and retreats. Further Engagement may cause her anxiety. Combine that with teenage hormones. It’s sad for all of you, she may grow out of it.

So sorry op, my sister was like this at 15, 25 and 35. Some people never change

I hope things turn out differently for you and your daughter.