Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

‘Recovered’ porn addict just been caught

86 replies

LittleBlackSandals · 04/11/2020 13:08

I can’t believe this. Actually I probably can.

4 years ago I uncovered my DH was a porn addict, and through this ‘habit’ phoned prostitutes multiple times a day for a kick.

I first discovered by catching him on a suspicious call.
From there I checked phone bills, internet history etc. I checked his location on his phone and I couldn’t pin him down to visiting any of these. But he did admit to visiting a ‘sauna’ type place on various occasions. So no concrete evidence of physical cheating.

Why did I stay? Because I was 6m pregnant with our second child. He did all the begging and started seeing a counsellor. He moved out for 3m then slowly he started visiting more just before the baby came and we fell back in to a relationship.

Part of his ‘recovery’ was to put restrictions on his phone, enable find my friends, share his phone and bank statements every months.

After a year of therapy we were blissfully happy. There was never any suspicious behaviour. We have what most would see as a very lucky life. 2 beautiful children. We own a few very successful businesses. We are financially in an excellent position. Great families and friends on both sides. Our sex life is excellent, very adventurous and passionate at least 4/5 times a week.

I have just come home 20m early from an appointment with our youngest and he was downstairs watching porn via the internet on the TV.

I am devastated. He lied first of all but he knew I’d caught the screen before he switched it off.

I’ve made him leave as I know we can’t come back from this. He is a compulsive liar who is NEVER going to change. But I’m heartbroken. We are (well I thought we were) so in love. To top it off we only got married 3 months ago.

If he had a normal relationship with porn it wouldn’t be an issue. But he doesn’t and part of his recovery was to completely abstain from it, like an alcoholic would with alcohol.

He’s crying down the phone to me what do I want him to do. Just be a fucking decent human being you cunt.

There’s no going back is there ?

OP posts:
Leafyhouse · 04/11/2020 13:11

Well, it's an illness. Like alcoholism, or a gambling addiction. So you either stay and work through it, or walk away. That's kind of the deal with marriage. My advice? Look at what's best for the kids. Your disappointment is hardly a significant factor.

Yohoheaveho · 04/11/2020 13:12

He has demonstrated very clearly with his behaviour that he doesn't want to stop ☹️
I think you will have to maintain your very firm boundaries and repeat that this is your red line, he has knowingly and deliberately crossed it, therefore he will be subject to the consequences that he knew would follow ☹️

Yohoheaveho · 04/11/2020 13:13

you can't have a relationship with a compulsive liar because there can never be any trust and you can't have a relationship without trust

LittleBlackSandals · 04/11/2020 13:19

I think the trust thing is spot on to how I feel. Although I tried to keep on my toes (is that a way to live?!) I felt so relaxed in our relationship that I trusting that he had made the changes to move forward. How naive am I?!

@Leafyhouse how many chances should one person get ? He says he has always been a big watcher of porn as was single between the ages of 22-28 (when we met). We’d been together 6 years before the first uncovering so I am pretty sure it had been a continuous secret through our relationship from the start.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 04/11/2020 13:25

How naive am I
And that is why he selected you.... because you are trusting and you take things at face value

Yohoheaveho · 04/11/2020 13:27

It had been a continuous secret through our relationship
It's his special thing, it is central to his identity, his 'precious'
and he will not relinquish it☹️

Emeeno1 · 04/11/2020 13:28

My ex husband had this problem. What I noticed is that it really is a compulsion, a mental illness, and it makes sense that any behaviour that garners a 'reward' (pleasure) could become addictive.

What I know is that this is not about you. It is not because you are not enough or you do not float his boat, this is about him.

And you are right he will not change, addiction is a life long struggle.

TikTakTikTak · 04/11/2020 13:47

I'm so sorry OP but I know of a sauna and they're not innocent places. Admitting to visiting one is basically admitting paying for sex.

Can you tolerate all of this?

Thermo · 04/11/2020 13:51

But he did admit to visiting a ‘sauna’ type place on various occasions

Am I missing something here? What you’re talking about isn’t the same as the one down the gym...

LittleBlackSandals · 04/11/2020 13:56

It’s so hard knowing I have no control over this. I just want him to not be an addict. Because our life is so good. It baffles me ! But he’s obviously been an addict for a very long time and I just can’t seem him getting ‘better’.

And like a poster said do I just tolerate this ? Sure he can go back to therapy and say all the right things but how will I ever trust/believe he will change.

Why has he done this. I feel like it’s all on me to the make the decisions that will affect our children forever. Then part of me thinks perhaps I should just turn a blind eye for the children’s sake

OP posts:
LittleBlackSandals · 04/11/2020 13:56

Yes sorry I’m aware was ‘dodgy’ sauna. Not spa day with his mates and afternoon tea.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 04/11/2020 13:59

Life is good because he's an addict, he's willing to be nice to you because he's compensated by his special secret porn thing
Or to put it another way his porn indulgence is the thing that he treats himself with to make him feel better about giving him to your demands

TheQueef · 04/11/2020 14:00

PP are right.
A sauna is just a brothel.

Porn kills love.

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 14:03

He’s crying down the phone to me what do I want him to do.

This is the problem. He doesn't see why it's a problem and true change can only come if he wants it. Having him change for you isn't going to work.

I'm really sorry OP. Sad

You can fake location on gps apps btw.

LittleBlackSandals · 04/11/2020 14:04

@Yohoheaveho what demands Confused

OP posts:
LittleBlackSandals · 04/11/2020 14:08

@TicTacTwo he did start his argument with ‘most men watch porn...’ Hmm.

Whether or not they do or don’t is not my business. And it’s not a problem (well that’s another debate) if you’re not addicted to is it.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 04/11/2020 14:10

@TheQueef

PP are right. A sauna is just a brothel.

Porn kills love.

Sweeping generalisations are rarely helpful. The OP is pretty clear in hr post that If he had a normal relationship with porn it wouldn’t be an issue.
TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 14:14

He is an addict and they say never trust an addict for good reason.

I think that things are doomed until he accepts that he's addicted

Pulloutbed · 04/11/2020 14:15

He is only crying because he has been caught! He could have thought about the consequences before he did it. I understand addiction is more complicated then just stopping and being OK. So it's harsh on both of you.

You also have no idea how long this has been going on for either. Was this the first time since therapy or was it the 200th?
It's not possible to trust him now. I get that.

It has to be on you to decide what happens next unfortunately. This doesn't mean you are breaking up your family. He has done that. You just have to finalise it. So sorry OP. It must be so difficult for you.

QuentinWinters · 04/11/2020 14:18

yohoho very insightful posts.
OP I have been in a very similar position and I think the "demands" are just normal things, basically whenever he does something for you that he doesn't want e.g. childcare, different house etc.
My exH has this whole "great husband and dad" persona which covered up his other side - porn addicted, liar, exploited me to fund his comfortable home life.
Flowers its awful but truly, living without the anxiety around porn/lying is amazing

GilbertMarkham · 04/11/2020 14:18

But he did admit to visiting a ‘sauna’ type place on various occasions

This is inconsistent with saying no proof of anything physical, sorry.

What did he claim he did or didnt do inside the sauna on the various occasions??

The porn is obviously an issue that could end a relationship if it goes above moderate use; but yo me the much more significant issue is this - alongside the phone calls to prostitutes.

It seems very much like he cheated on you with sex workers and is a punter (to some extent).

The porn use is another issue.

Thermo · 04/11/2020 14:20

@LittleBlackSandals

Yes sorry I’m aware was ‘dodgy’ sauna. Not spa day with his mates and afternoon tea.
You don’t honestly believe nothing physical happened then?
QuentinWinters · 04/11/2020 14:20

Also - I'm not sure i buy porn addiction. He chose to go to a sauna - thats not porn.
Basically he's happy buying sex even though he's happily married. He lies. So he's going to minimise and tell you what he thinks you want to hear to stay with him. Its probably not the truth

GilbertMarkham · 04/11/2020 14:23

No offence bit of also seems like you let him move back in from 4 months onward during his therapy and got married quite quickly too. Seems like you just wanted it all be solved and ok - understandable but you were setting yourself up for this.

They're two huge issues, they weren't likely to be solved and that's ongoing.

The prostitutes on here say once a punter, always a punter.

All you can do is get on with your life with your kids, get you child maintenance and anything you can get from him in a divorce settlement with a good family law/divorce solicitor.

He's a lost cause.

GilbertMarkham · 04/11/2020 14:25

Basically he's happy buying sex even though he's happily married

Doesn't sound like he was married at that time, but he was in a relationship with op and perhaps with a baby on the way.