‘Recovered’ porn addict just been caught

[LittleBlackSandals]

I can’t believe this. Actually I probably can.

4 years ago I uncovered my DH was a porn addict, and through this ‘habit’ phoned prostitutes multiple times a day for a kick.

I first discovered by catching him on a suspicious call.
From there I checked phone bills, internet history etc. I checked his location on his phone and I couldn’t pin him down to visiting any of these. But he did admit to visiting a ‘sauna’ type place on various occasions. So no concrete evidence of physical cheating.

Why did I stay? Because I was 6m pregnant with our second child. He did all the begging and started seeing a counsellor. He moved out for 3m then slowly he started visiting more just before the baby came and we fell back in to a relationship.

Part of his ‘recovery’ was to put restrictions on his phone, enable find my friends, share his phone and bank statements every months.

After a year of therapy we were blissfully happy. There was never any suspicious behaviour. We have what most would see as a very lucky life. 2 beautiful children. We own a few very successful businesses. We are financially in an excellent position. Great families and friends on both sides. Our sex life is excellent, very adventurous and passionate at least 4/5 times a week.

I have just come home 20m early from an appointment with our youngest and he was downstairs watching porn via the internet on the TV.

I am devastated. He lied first of all but he knew I’d caught the screen before he switched it off.

I’ve made him leave as I know we can’t come back from this. He is a compulsive liar who is NEVER going to change. But I’m heartbroken. We are (well I thought we were) so in love. To top it off we only got married 3 months ago.

If he had a normal relationship with porn it wouldn’t be an issue. But he doesn’t and part of his recovery was to completely abstain from it, like an alcoholic would with alcohol.

He’s crying down the phone to me what do I want him to do. Just be a fucking decent human being you cunt.

There’s no going back is there ?

@DorisDaisyMay

It’s not an illness. It’s abusive - selfish, deceptive and manipulative.

I respectfully disagree - if gambling can be counted as an addiction, why can't porn? I can understand giving up drug addiction is hard - there are physical symptoms of cold turkey. Same with alcohol addiction. But gambling? Just stop doing it. So porn addiction is genuine I feel. Am not having a go at you, and I'm not waving the flag for the porn industry, but I do believe that addiction can be genuine.

It always surprises me how deep rooted porn acceptance is.
If it is an addiction, then compare to the advice op would get if it was alcohol/gambling/drugs. Noone would claim its a universal desire so op should accept it. Noone would say she should accept it as part of a happy marriage.

Universal design my foot.... it's a universal desire like eating junk food is a universal desire, like taking cocaine is a universal desire
These are all traps which humans can fall into

No point splitting hairs over whether it's an addiction, not an addiction, whatever. It's destructive behaviour. Zero sympathy for the porn guy.

Deal with the actions in front of you not what's going on in his head. Who cares why. Deal with the what and go from there.

Loving an addict is never easy.
Everything they do is to.protect the addiction. Any thing that opposes the addiction becomes the enemy.

You oppose the addiction so you are the enemy. Any crap behaviour towards you is fully justified in the addict's world view because you oppose his addiction. Even when things seem good its because you are not in active opposition to the addiction.
People can recover from addiction but they have to be fully cognizant of the addiction and its effects. Relationships can only happen if the addict stops viewing the partner as an adversary and if the addiction has not been fully acknowledged then this won't happen.

I say this from bitter experience as an addicts partner. I visualised it as a parasite, some kind of malignant, intelligent worm that had entered my partner's brain. The parasite must be fed or the addict is in trouble. It can be fought and it can be beaten but it will leave scars and changes.

You have to admit to yourself that you don't have the relationship that you think you have and have a good think about whether you want what you do have.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Lots of luck, strength and hope to you as you work our how to deal with this.

@Piggy3633

Hi op

Firstly -hugs- sorry you are going through this, I could have written this myself 18months ago like you I found out when I was 6 months pregnant with our second baby had only been married 3 months at the time. Like you I was devastated my husband use to do the whole phoning prostitues and texting them for ‘thrills’ I know he never actually met them as we only have a joint account and like you had the find friends app. Your relationship other than this sounds so good and whilst I understand that the betrayal hurts and the trust is hard to regain ultimately it’s down to you to decide whether or not you can move in from this.

At least you and your husband have a healthy sex life which is passionate and loving a lot of porn addicts actually would rather watch porn than make love to there partners. Dh didn’t have a smart phone for a year whilst I got over things didn’t even have a phone with internet... occasionally I would catch him out and come home to find he had watched porn when I had been out and it would enrage me and start the whole trust issue again in the end we did split for a few weeks and actually op I was more unhappy without him that I was with him..

I will probably get slammed
For saying this but I do believe the most men do watch porn at some point even if they never admit it or deny it till they are blue in the face. A lot of my friends have said the same thing about as soon as they are out the door there husbands partners rushing to watch porn and have a wank 🤣 mine included. Poor them how desperate but it says more about them than it does us... men like alone time. I now don’t care if my husband watches porn occasionally as long as it doesn’t affect our relationship or sex life

I realised my isssue wasn’t with the porn it was with the utter betrayal and trust but honestly I do think people watch porn and even though he has been an addict as long as it’s occasional and he doesn’t engage in the other things as that is NOT ok.

If you are happy other than this one issue try and overcome it as you may spend your time wondering what if... I am by now means sticking up for your husband op as I know just how hurtful this all is but I am trying to look at the bigger picture and you say you are otherwise happy.

❤️

'Most' men don't contact prostitutes because porn isn't getting them off enough anymore.

Your partner displayed a complete lack of respect for women. You and the prostitutes. Best case scenario, he called them for a thrill and didn't follow through - reinforcing the fact he sees them as absolutely nothing other than wank fodder - not real people, just wank fodder for his entertainment. Doesn't care if they get in the shit with their pimp or can't earn money they need because he wasted their time to have a wank when there's loads of porn freely available.

Your husband is a misogynist. He doesn't believe women are his equal.

Would he want you or his daughter to be a sex worker? Of course not. Would he leave you if he found out you had been doing sex work? Of course.

It's ok to leave a misogynist hypocrite. To stay with them (especially when he's let you down since by going back on your agreed boundaries) will damage your mental health more and more over the years.

What @jeaux90 said. Spot on

OP this sounds super hard but I was hoping to give another side to it.

As you mention, there is no issue if a man watches porn but isn't addicted.
However, where is the line here? For example, I know alcoholics who recovered and can now drink normally - have a glass of wine at dinner one week and maybe again at Christmas but that's it. The compulsion is gone. I know they often say you just give up for life but society makes that super hard.
Porn is so normalised on social media, in lad groups, in general beliefs - so what is to say he is now just watching porn as a normal person would? Not in an addictive style?
Would that be OK?

Let's say his addiction was purely porn, watching free pornhub videos and never anything else. No prostitutes, no calls, no paid-for components. How would you have felt then? Is the only issue actually when it feels 'real'?

I am not surprised he lied and hid this, any man would, addict or not. It's embarrassing. Also he knows you'd get the wrong idea (or the right idea to be honest), which you did.

I think if you don't want to go straight for divorce you could attempt setting different boundaries. Perhaps have an honest discussion about porn - why do you want to watch it? Is it due to the addiction or just wanting to? Is it zero tolerance?

Also about the apps for GPS - Find My on iPhone is very hard to fake location. Almost impossible in the UK. There's some apps in US for it but not ones that work that well and you have to pay.

[quote Tempnamelady]@jaffacake70 I’m so sorry if you think I am being offensive in any way. All I mean is that I am terribly hurt about my husband watching porn knowing it has caused an issue In the past due to his ‘issues’ even if it isn’t physical infidelity. I’m also sorry for hi jacking your thread.[/quote]
@Tempnamelady

You haven't hijacked my thread, it isn't my thread.

I didn't think you were being offensive at all, I just didn't understand the working of your post.

Sometimes it's difficult to get our points across on these forums. I think we're basically singing from the same song sheet. I ended my last relationship partially because my partner had lost interest in me sexually and I suspected it was due to his excessive porn use.

Big hugs x

wording not working doh!!

I recently found out about my dhs "addiction". He is having therapy, so am I.

I know a few facts- nothing has happened in person, he has trauma that he has never dealt with, in every other respect he is amazing husband.

I am staying, at the moment, I want to be abke to say I tried, what evervthe outcome.

I have told dh that if he "slips up" he needs to fess up... If he gets caught again I am afraid I will nit be able to look him in the eye again