‘Recovered’ porn addict just been caught

[LittleBlackSandals]

I can’t believe this. Actually I probably can.

4 years ago I uncovered my DH was a porn addict, and through this ‘habit’ phoned prostitutes multiple times a day for a kick.

I first discovered by catching him on a suspicious call.
From there I checked phone bills, internet history etc. I checked his location on his phone and I couldn’t pin him down to visiting any of these. But he did admit to visiting a ‘sauna’ type place on various occasions. So no concrete evidence of physical cheating.

Why did I stay? Because I was 6m pregnant with our second child. He did all the begging and started seeing a counsellor. He moved out for 3m then slowly he started visiting more just before the baby came and we fell back in to a relationship.

Part of his ‘recovery’ was to put restrictions on his phone, enable find my friends, share his phone and bank statements every months.

After a year of therapy we were blissfully happy. There was never any suspicious behaviour. We have what most would see as a very lucky life. 2 beautiful children. We own a few very successful businesses. We are financially in an excellent position. Great families and friends on both sides. Our sex life is excellent, very adventurous and passionate at least 4/5 times a week.

I have just come home 20m early from an appointment with our youngest and he was downstairs watching porn via the internet on the TV.

I am devastated. He lied first of all but he knew I’d caught the screen before he switched it off.

I’ve made him leave as I know we can’t come back from this. He is a compulsive liar who is NEVER going to change. But I’m heartbroken. We are (well I thought we were) so in love. To top it off we only got married 3 months ago.

If he had a normal relationship with porn it wouldn’t be an issue. But he doesn’t and part of his recovery was to completely abstain from it, like an alcoholic would with alcohol.

He’s crying down the phone to me what do I want him to do. Just be a fucking decent human being you cunt.

There’s no going back is there ?

But he did admit to visiting a ‘sauna’ type place on various occasions. So no concrete evidence of physical cheating.

I would consider that to be concrete evidence of physical cheating.

No. Most men do not watch Porn. And even if some do that's like a child saying they did something because another kid did.

You are married to someone who pays money to an industry that traffics and rapes women and girls. That broadcasts rape.

His behaviour tells you everything you need to know about how he sees women and girls.

He's not simply a porn addict. That's just an excuse you are using and hiding behind for seeing prostitutes and committing adultery which is the bigger issue here by far.

It's the addiction that's the issue here. Porn use (ignoring for a second the exploitation inherent to the industry) may be relatively unproblematic for the majority of adults, but it isnt for him. Its akin to a bottle of wine being unproblematic for some adults but not for an alcoholic.

I am very sorry OP - the question is do you feel you want to support him through another therapeutic arc, or do you want out? I understand trust would be very hard again

Part of his ‘recovery’ was to put restrictions on his phone, enable find my friends, share his phone and bank statements every months

the problem with this sort of approach is that it puts the onus on you, or other external forces, to police his behaviour and prevent relapses.

In addition, for some addicts the thrill of outsmarting the policing person, added to the risk of getting caught, makes the hit even sweeter and reinforces the addiction.

I think you need to find out how long he's been relapsed. If he's been wanking to porn for the last 2 years behind your back, during which time you and your children have all been happy, cared for, successful, etc, then I'd think twice about ending a marriage over behaviour that has made no difference to you. Otoh if he's only just relapsed then he might be about to slip down a slope to spending family money on expensive hookers and porn.

If he genuinely has never followed through with turning up to an appointment with a sex worker then he needs a fucking good metaphorical slap for detrimentally affecting their business with his wanky bullshit.

the problem with this sort of approach is that it puts the onus on you, or other external forces, to police his behaviour and prevent relapses.

Exactly.

I don't know who this was even proposed by .. a professional, a counsellor?

It seems like such a poor idea.

A d who the fk wants to have to do this ... I'm not a nanny, patrol officer, prison guard, police woman etc. If I wanted to be, I'd try to get one of those jobs and be paid for it.

*parole officer

With regards to excuse/addiction side. I do genuinely believe he is addicted. He spent a lot of money on therapy, including an in house weeks stay at a specialist centre in London. So he certainly went to some lengths to back this excuse up!

It doesn’t really matter what the addiction is. It’s the lies that are the hardest. But of course it doesn’t make things easier, the nature of the addiction. Thats a further kick in the stomach as it’s so personal.

I feel like he can’t change. How will I ever trust him again. But I want so desperately for him to change. Apart from this we’re so ‘good’. I feel I don’t have a choice though.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Part of his ‘recovery’ was to put restrictions on his phone, enable find my friends, share his phone and bank statements every months

the problem with this sort of approach is that it puts the onus on you, or other external forces, to police his behaviour and prevent relapses.

In addition, for some addicts the thrill of outsmarting the policing person, added to the risk of getting caught, makes the hit even sweeter and reinforces the addiction.

I think you need to find out how long he's been relapsed. If he's been wanking to porn for the last 2 years behind your back, during which time you and your children have all been happy, cared for, successful, etc, then I'd think twice about ending a marriage over behaviour that has made no difference to you. Otoh if he's only just relapsed then he might be about to slip down a slope to spending family money on expensive hookers and porn.

If he genuinely has never followed through with turning up to an appointment with a sex worker then he needs a fucking good metaphorical slap for detrimentally affecting their business with his wanky bullshit.

Totally agree with this. Putting the heat on him with restrictions etc. is just going to make it into a game. And once an addict, always an addict - rather like those people who go to Alcoholic Anonymous despite not having touched a drop in 20 years. So it's not about 'how many chances do I give him?'. The battle never ends. Question is - can you live with / adjust to that? Because now you know he'll never 'cure' it. And if you can't adjust or fear it'll damage the kids to much - then yes, I agree. LTB, tragic though it may be.

I’ve just checked through the last 2m phone bill and can’t see any suspicious calls on there. Previously they may have lasted only a few seconds as he would phone on with old number and most prostitutes won’t answer these calls so would go through to mobile. And there would be lots of diff numbers in a row of the same kind.

But regardless of that, do I want to be in a relationship where as soon as I leave the house my husband is rushing down to watch porn and have a wank? Just makes me feel so uncomfortable. Surely that’s not right, to turn a blind eye just because otherwise we’re happy ? Fine if it’s of normal use, a couple of times a week of bored/feeling horny and I’m not around etc. But every time I leave the house , and for hours on end ? Surely I deserve better than that?

I’m not sure how long this has been going on for. I feel embarrassed to be honest. Stood there just 3m ago and said vows to each other which I truly believed.

Withheld* number
Go through to voicemail*

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

If he genuinely has never followed through with turning up to an appointment with a sex worker then he needs a fucking good metaphorical slap for detrimentally affecting their business with his wanky bullshit

I know. Using them just as badly to feed his ‘Habit’

And like a poster said do I just tolerate this ? Sure he can go back to therapy and say all the right things but how will I ever trust/believe he will change.

When I said "Can you tolerate this?" I didnt mean I was suggesting it, sorry if it sounded like that.

What I meant is that this would be intolerable to me. Could you really live like this? And do you want to?

@Leafyhouse

Well, it's an illness. Like alcoholism, or a gambling addiction. So you either stay and work through it, or walk away. That's kind of the deal with marriage. My advice? Look at what's best for the kids. Your disappointment is hardly a significant factor.

He didn't look at what was best for the kids when he broke the relationship's very firmly placed boundary did he?

Don't blame the OP for breaking up the family, he did that when he broke her trust.

@LittleBlackSandals

I’ve just checked through the last 2m phone bill and can’t see any suspicious calls on there. Previously they may have lasted only a few seconds as he would phone on with old number and most prostitutes won’t answer these calls so would go through to mobile. And there would be lots of diff numbers in a row of the same kind.

But regardless of that, do I want to be in a relationship where as soon as I leave the house my husband is rushing down to watch porn and have a wank? Just makes me feel so uncomfortable. Surely that’s not right, to turn a blind eye just because otherwise we’re happy ? Fine if it’s of normal use, a couple of times a week of bored/feeling horny and I’m not around etc. But every time I leave the house , and for hours on end ? Surely I deserve better than that?

I’m not sure how long this has been going on for. I feel embarrassed to be honest. Stood there just 3m ago and said vows to each other which I truly believed.

It would be easy for him to purchase a separate, pay as you go, phone though wouldn't it?

I just don't think I could ever trust this man again. You sound lovely OP, you are worth so much more than this.

Get out now while you still have a modicum of self respect.

Sending hugs.

Do you really think there was no physical cheating? You seem to be brushing over what, to me, seems like the major issue here. I have no idea what a "dodgy sauna" is (thankfully!) but if it's simply a brothel like a op suggested then surely you know what he was doing there? Porn use would be inconsequential to me if my husband had outright admitted to visiting a brothel?

In answer to your question. No of course there's no coming back from this. Unless of course you want to repeat this pattern every few months.

Sorry OP

Thank you for all the support.

I don’t mean to brush over the physical aspects of cheating. But it was kind of dealt with under one whole umbrella, if that makes sense? So his actions/behaviour were part of the addiction. And of course I don’t know how many times he was physically unfaithful. So if I was going to attempt a reconciliation I had to accept the situation for what it was.

There’s no evidence of anything else like that happening since. But there doesn’t need to be does there ? He can’t even refrain from watching porn as soon as I leave the house. Let alone anything else.

We will be having a discussion this evening once the children are in bed. Fantastic timing with lockdown starting tomorrow.

He needs to find a support group for his addiction. Like an alcoholic needs to continue to go to AA even after they stop drinking. Same with gamblers or drug addicts.
He needs ongoing work - you could ask him to stay away and work on himself again but don’t let him back till he’s doing the work.

Billions of people watch porn as some people are just more highly sexed than others. I work in an all male environment and many of the guys joke about porn, yet they are very happy with their home set up which you seem to be too. Sex 5 times a week and a seemingly wonderful life is what many people can only dream about.
Personally, the porn wouldn't be an issue for me, but the sauna part is a bit odd, especially as you are both being intimate so frequently.

@wigglyworm002 but it isn’t watching porn like ‘normal’ men or having ‘banter’ over WhatsApp groups. . He was watching it for HOURS and calling prostitutes during these ‘episodes’ for a ‘kick’.

And then yes visiting saunas for what one can only guess was sex/or sexual acts with said prostitutes.

Out set up was that I worked outside the home every day and he was at home so had free reign so to speak.

Since Covid I’ve also been working from home so less opportunity but things have been slightly more back to normal so I’ve been out the house more often.

@Whydidimarryhim 100% he should have continued with the support groups offered to him. But they were open groups and he was ‘ashamed’

OP you don't have to make a decision right now. You need some space and time to just feel your feelings, think about what you want and need (not always the same thing) and perhaps talk things through with a non-involved party - such as a counsellor with experience of addictions.

For now, can he pack up and go elsewhere for at least a week? Hotels I think are out of bounds except to essential workers, but there are plenty of serviced apartments still around. Practicalities such as childcare will affect this, I know, and he should plan to be taking the DC for 50% of the time. You need to make sure he does, because that's a preview of what he'd be doing if you kick him out permanently. Otherwise he could treat any break as an opportunity to wank himself stupid rather than realising this is a make or break moment.

Does anyone IRL know about this? Is there someone you could open up to? You need support 🌸

A friend of mine discovered similar things about her now ex, but they’d been married for 25 years.

I don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him again, he has betrayed your trust in him repeatedly. Her husband went to a sex addiction counselor in London who was an ex-sex addict himself and the therapy seemed to excuse the behavior.

However upsetting it is I suggest you cut your losses and split up now. There is no point in giving him countless chances, he clearly values his own pleasure above being married to you.

I'm so sorry to hear this op. Addictions are awful but unlike alcoholism or drugs, an addiction to porn is not likely to end up causing early death or organ failure etc. So under these circumstances I would walk away. No third chance at all. You and your kids are worth more.

Also, I thought saunas were more of a Gray thing? I know a "straight" guy that used to brag about going to saunas and getting blood jobs of random blokes.

You can't trust him. Hope you've had an sti test. Please don't fall for his sob stories.

Ugh, so ugly.

Get rid op