‘Recovered’ porn addict just been caught

[LittleBlackSandals]

I can’t believe this. Actually I probably can.

4 years ago I uncovered my DH was a porn addict, and through this ‘habit’ phoned prostitutes multiple times a day for a kick.

I first discovered by catching him on a suspicious call.
From there I checked phone bills, internet history etc. I checked his location on his phone and I couldn’t pin him down to visiting any of these. But he did admit to visiting a ‘sauna’ type place on various occasions. So no concrete evidence of physical cheating.

Why did I stay? Because I was 6m pregnant with our second child. He did all the begging and started seeing a counsellor. He moved out for 3m then slowly he started visiting more just before the baby came and we fell back in to a relationship.

Part of his ‘recovery’ was to put restrictions on his phone, enable find my friends, share his phone and bank statements every months.

After a year of therapy we were blissfully happy. There was never any suspicious behaviour. We have what most would see as a very lucky life. 2 beautiful children. We own a few very successful businesses. We are financially in an excellent position. Great families and friends on both sides. Our sex life is excellent, very adventurous and passionate at least 4/5 times a week.

I have just come home 20m early from an appointment with our youngest and he was downstairs watching porn via the internet on the TV.

I am devastated. He lied first of all but he knew I’d caught the screen before he switched it off.

I’ve made him leave as I know we can’t come back from this. He is a compulsive liar who is NEVER going to change. But I’m heartbroken. We are (well I thought we were) so in love. To top it off we only got married 3 months ago.

If he had a normal relationship with porn it wouldn’t be an issue. But he doesn’t and part of his recovery was to completely abstain from it, like an alcoholic would with alcohol.

He’s crying down the phone to me what do I want him to do. Just be a fucking decent human being you cunt.

There’s no going back is there ?

@Whydidimarryhim

He needs to find a support group for his addiction. Like an alcoholic needs to continue to go to AA even after they stop drinking. Same with gamblers or drug addicts. He needs ongoing work - you could ask him to stay away and work on himself again but don’t let him back till he’s doing the work.

100% agree with this, he needs to join Sex addicts anonymous, no excuse not too. Everyone else is there for the same reason, for help and support. OP if you needed the support you could try SAnon the partner support group. It may be helpful to just speak to others in the same boat as yourself. I joined after finding myself in the same situation as you. It was a great relief to speak openly with others who experienced the same thing. Meetings are online at the moment. If you want any details or have any questions please message me.

With regards to the phone stuff I'd be looking for another sim or phone.

Wifi calls like Skype wouldn't appear on a phone bill. Does he have social media /messaging apps? Some of them wouldn't leave a trace

I found this quite an enlightening listen when I was going through exH addiction
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00010yf

What pretty much everyone else has said.

In addition. I think it's shit to ring women up who sell sex, just to what, say what to them? Hang up?

So he's a porn addict, has paid for sex, and has no qualms about ringing random women up and wasting their time.

Sorry op. He's an arsehole and a liar.

Hi OP

Going through similar, and I expect we're using the same centre for support.

Did you talk about relapses at all during your therapy before? Do you have agreed boundaries and consequences, which he's now breached?

As the advice is for the first time, take your time don't feel rushed into making decisions if you don't want to.

This is a complex thing, and not as simple as others may like to think. I was talking to a friend about it earlier about how many areas of your life it reaches into - trust, intimacy, your own sexuality.

I'm massively triggered by him being in front of the laptop, in the living room. I hate coming home early or doing anything unexpected where I might re-discover him etc.

After 4 months though, we're separating. It's too big a mountain for us to climb.

Ok so I’m sitting here reading this , having had a similar thing with DH which I am throwing round in my mind , unwilling to bring it up with lockdown looming but seething inside.

Feel so bad for you OP and so fucking angry that we eat ourselves up with guilt, shame and secrecy over something that is not our issue.

I’m not a prude or even completely opposed to porn, well I didn’t used to be but it’s made me doubt everything about myself . And I say this as a successful career woman with no young kids and no material worries.

@Febo24 my god your post is spot on re the far reaching consequences . All DH wanted to know last time was had I told anyone. I have a very close circle of friends who I can tell anything to, but not this. And imagine telling your parents that you were leaving because of it, I cringe even thinking about it .

@Anordinarymum

He's not simply a porn addict. That's just an excuse you are using and hiding behind for seeing prostitutes and committing adultery which is the bigger issue here by far.

This 👏🏻

I'm not sure I believe in sex addiction, these men mainly want variety, different sex acts, different hair colour, body shape even a different race they feel entitled to that. But for some reason they won't entertain an open marriage/relationship because they don't want you having any fun and it spoils their view of you the old Madonna whore complex. They want a wife family but a single mans lifestyle they won't ever change and I couldn't spend my life policing a man's behaviour.

They say I'm an addict blah blah when really they just fancy different fanny be a man and admit it.

@Meixo

They say I'm an addict blah blah when really they just fancy different fanny be a man and admit it.

100%

Well said.

@jaffacake70 do you think that’s ok though .I don’t believe DH has done any physical with someone else , but I don’t any better about it.

[quote Tempnamelady]@jaffacake70 do you think that’s ok though .I don’t believe DH has done any physical with someone else , but I don’t any better about it.[/quote]
I don't understand your comment at all, sorry.

Do I think what is ok?

'but I don't any better about it This bit doesn't make any sense at all to me, please explain.

I personally DO believe DH has done something physical with someone else. He visited a 'sauna type place'. Most of us here understand exactly the type of services those 'sauna type places' have on offer and the reasons that men visit them.

[quote Tempnamelady]@jaffacake70 do you think that’s ok though .I don’t believe DH has done any physical with someone else , but I don’t any better about it.[/quote]
There's nothing wrong with wanting different fanny acting on it is a different matter without discussing with the spouse about opening up the relationship. I'm assuming that he has been physical he's been to a sauna thats where sex workers work. He's apparently phoning them up and wasting their time but sex workers block time wasters unless he's getting different sim cards I can't see how he's doing that as they would suss him out very quickly.
He's minimising so you don't leave him, I'd bet my savings he's a seasoned punter and the sex addict excuse is bullshit it's another thing so you feel sorry for him and excuse his shitty selfish behaviour.

You'll be happier without him, long term. This isnt how you saw your life being, is it? Chase happiness x

@jaffacake70 I’m so sorry if you think I am being offensive in any way. All I mean is that I am terribly hurt about my husband watching porn knowing it has caused an issue In the past due to his ‘issues’ even if it isn’t physical infidelity. I’m also sorry for hi jacking your thread.

Porn/sex addiction is very real and has little to do with sex/variety/libido. It's another way for the person to absent themselves from emotion and reality in the same way that alchohol might for others.

The OP has stated that she sauna incident is something that's been left in the past as part of the process of them moving forward.

The real issue is the relapse and whether the OP can continue on this path with her DH as the trust has been compromised again.

How did the chat go OP?

Hi op

Firstly -hugs- sorry you are going through this, I could have written this myself 18months ago like you I found out when I was 6 months pregnant with our second baby had only been married 3 months at the time. Like you I was devastated my husband use to do the whole phoning prostitues and texting them for ‘thrills’ I know he never actually met them as we only have a joint account and like you had the find friends app. Your relationship other than this sounds so good and whilst I understand that the betrayal hurts and the trust is hard to regain ultimately it’s down to you to decide whether or not you can move in from this.

At least you and your husband have a healthy sex life which is passionate and loving a lot of porn addicts actually would rather watch porn than make love to there partners. Dh didn’t have a smart phone for a year whilst I got over things didn’t even have a phone with internet... occasionally I would catch him out and come home to find he had watched porn when I had been out and it would enrage me and start the whole trust issue again in the end we did split for a few weeks and actually op I was more unhappy without him that I was with him..

I will probably get slammed
For saying this but I do believe the most men do watch porn at some point even if they never admit it or deny it till they are blue in the face. A lot of my friends have said the same thing about as soon as they are out the door there husbands partners rushing to watch porn and have a wank 🤣 mine included. Poor them how desperate but it says more about them than it does us... men like alone time. I now don’t care if my husband watches porn occasionally as long as it doesn’t affect our relationship or sex life

I realised my isssue wasn’t with the porn it was with the utter betrayal and trust but honestly I do think people watch porn and even though he has been an addict as long as it’s occasional and he doesn’t engage in the other things as that is NOT ok.

If you are happy other than this one issue try and overcome it as you may spend your time wondering what if... I am by now means sticking up for your husband op as I know just how hurtful this all is but I am trying to look at the bigger picture and you say you are otherwise happy.

❤️

I’m also porn-addiction-sceptical - it’s an incredibly convenient device for cheaters to characterise their behaviour as an ‘illness’ and themselves as a victim, rather than complicit in the deception of their spouse and the abuse of prostituted woman.

I’m so sorry OP, but your boundaries sound spot on. No, this isn’t acceptable, and no, you don’t have to put up with it.

It’s not an illness. It’s abusive - selfish, deceptive and manipulative.

@StamfordHill

The fundamental mistake with this thread is the premise that a recovered addict is freed from the normal inclination to said addiction. They aren't.

At best, and even if the recovery is 100% successful, all they've managed to rid themselves of is the addiction. Namely the unhealthy attachment to whatever desire we're talking about.

Looking at porn is a universal male desire. A single event doesn't mean he's a relapsed addict, it could just as well be a single instance of enjoying a base desire in the regular way.

I disagree with this. If I had a single glass of wine after many years in AA, it would be a disaster, a rejection of everything I know about myself and my reaction to alcohol. Forget the 12 steps, it's also about consequences, the effect on others' lives, putting recovery first above everything else. It's a very slippery slope, whatever the addiction is. A glass of wine and looking at porn are the height of normality to millions of people but not to those who are powerless over where that single use will take them - therefore they do all in their power not to do so. I agree with those who say it's a lifelong commitment on the part of the addict and decidedly not anyone else's responsibility to monitor them.

NC for this.

He spent a lot of money on therapy, including an in house weeks stay at a specialist centre in London.

Okay, so, you should know four things:

#1. Despite his best efforts, this is going to be a lifelong battle of resolutions, recoveries, and slips and falls. There is no cure, you will never be able to trust him 100%. This is a fact.

#2. Sometimes the family dynamics - the love, the money, the kids, is 'enough' to make it worth looking the other way. Sometimes not. Only you can decide. If you do that, you will always be living half a life. Some women take that option for a financially comfortable life.

#3. You DON'T have to make a decision on anyone's timeline except your own. And in making that decision do NOT consider his needs or wants. Put yourself and the children first and do 100% what is best for you and them.

You may decide tomorrow or next month or in two years. The ball is in your court. And you can throw in the towel at ANY point you want to.

#4. Having been there, done that, and fiercely loving and staying with a porn addict, my advice is this: if you can financially see your way clear, split now. Porn addiction has no cure, it is soul destroying to the partner, and it is always going to rear its ugly head.

Good luck and willing strength to you.

[quote LittleBlackSandals]@Yohoheaveho what demands [/quote]
My apologies I ought to have said 'demands'
I mean that your perfectly reasonable expectations of a good and healthy relationship are experienced by him as 'demands' because he expects to be in control and be the boss and have things on his terms