Do I give up on my husband

[2sticksange]

Hello, many that's for anyone who makes it to the end of my story.

I really am just after independent advice.

I have been with my husband for 18 years (married for 6).

On a regular basis my husband threatens to leave me. It's normal for my husband to have a bad day and pack his bags and leave me only to return 5 hours later. This has happened so often that our children (12 and 14) consider these days as "domino's days". This is not because my children don't care but because they rarely see their father who only ever acknowledges them in order to order them to bed. they are beautiful, kind and very clever boys who I love deeply.

On a daily basis my husband will insult me (For fucks sake you are such a F*ing Cretin, Idiot, Imbecile, lazy Bitch, cow etc) and will constantly criticise everything I do. My husband humiliates me in front of my family (I only have my elderly father and this regularly brings him to tears) and I am not allowed to do anything in the house for fear of the fact that I am useless at everything I do From DIY, keeping the house.

We married 6 years ago because my husband threatened me that he would leave me and the kids if I didn't agree to a wedding (I was never bothered about getting married, we had two lovely kids and I never felt marriage was necessary). Don't get mr wrong it was a lovely wedding and I had a good day.

Friends and family have always commented on my husbands attitude towards me.. Many friends have been advising me to "escape"for a while now and it came to a head recently when a person I know professionally slipped my the telephone number of the local women's refuge. I was mortified and can no longer ignore the way my husband treats me .

I insisted on marriage guidance counselling and my husband confirmed that he resents the fact that we had children. He feels that I am entirely responsible for him becoming a father and family man and thinks that without us he would have a glittering career and be successful. ( PS he earns a 6 figure salary and still does the same job he did when I met him)

His reason for hating me is that he wishes we we still going out and having fun with our friends like we did in our twenties when we met (doesn't everyone in their forties think this). and that we don't have any sex anymore.

1, The reason we don't go out any more is because my husband works and lives away 5 days a week (this was to resolve his previous desire to go out and party like he did as a student and allowed him to spend at least four night s week that he didn't have any responsibilities, whilst I looked after the house and kids). My husband never introduces or invites me out with his friends etc ( I suspect he doesn't have many)- he rarely has a good word to say about his work colleagues and has twice been reprimanded for bullying of female colleagues.

I however have a very full social life with my friends who invite him to join us regularly. He has very few friends and he has told me quite simply that they don't like me and therefore does not involve me in his social life. But importantly, he never even suggests that the two of us go out together as a couple.the only time this ever happens is if I book us a weekend away as a wedding anniversary surprise.

1. My husband refuses any intimacy. The last time I tried to be spontaneously intimate with my husband he elbowed me in the face and gave me a black eye for touching him when he didn't want it. I now have to ask permission for a hug or a kiss. Having to ask permission of your husband to carry out what I believe the be a spontaneous intimate act between husband and wife is quite demeaning.

My husband states that he is not prepared to have a sexual relationship without romance but blocks any chance of romance in our relationship leaving me pretty much in lingo. ( he once bought me flowers and when I accepted the he stated "I don't know why I Bought them because I hate you"). there is no romance in our relationship but it is definitely not because I am not trying.

Other excuses have been "you have gotten fat since I married you and I don't see you in a sexual way any more. I agree I have put on weight, (I am a size bigger from when we got married) I definitely drink too much but I believe that your don't lose weight to feel better but you will lose weight if you feel better and quite frankly for the last 4 years I have felt miserable.

Earlier this year I raised the issue of the no sex in our house problem and he invited two friends around who like to swing.(I cooked dinner as I thought they were just uni friends) This resulted in me having a conversation with the boring husband about cars whilst my husband sat under a blanket getting frisky with the wife whilst grinning at me all night .

Apparently this was fine because I had every chance to pull the husband. He has regularly repeated that if I want sex I am welcome to go get it elsewhere.

But ultimately I really want a loving relationship with my husband.

Do I give up......Is there any chance that my relationship can change...

There is not one single redeeming feature to this man or this marriage. Why the fuck are you still with him? And showing your children that this is normal and acceptable?

OP, What The Actual Fuck have i just read???? He is repulsive.

Please, please confide properly in peole and get a plan to split. And get help to stay split from him. Please

@Marchmarch possibly because he's ground her down over 18 years to believe this is what she deserves. Give her a break she is probably already blaming herself. It sounds like coercive control which is deep manipulation and robs a person's agency. It's not her fault.

Your husband is vile and yes you should leave him and go and be happy.

I don’t know how you can rule out him being with somebody else when he is happy to get frisky with another woman under a blanket in front of you?

OMG this sounds fucking miserable. Bone grindingly miserable.

I say this with kindness but you NEED to find your backbone. You jointly created 2 children then he was mad at you for the fact that he's a father? And when he said that he didn't want to be a family man (the point at which many women say "shape up or ship out") you offered him singleton lifestyle away from home while you pick up All The Slack?! My eyes are on stalks.

The insults, the swearing, the lack of respect are all problems, but the black eye is unforgivable and the "swingers" evening sounds dire. Couples who sleep with other couples tend to do it as a shared sexual experience, it is a shared fantasy, it is discussed, it is part of a greater sexual intimacy... he literally fingered another woman while you cooked her dinner. I am raging on your behalf.

DO NOT TALK TO HIM about this and DO NOT ASK HIM for a divorce. Educate yourself: copies of all financial documents, payslips, pension pots, savings (joint and separate), mortgage deeds/tenancy agreement, anything you can get your hands on to photograph or scan.

Set yourself up a new, secret email such as [email protected] and change all your log ins. Speak to CAB, get onto rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ and find out what you'd be entitled to on the Entitled Tobenefits calculator. Look at potential houses in your area (if you think moving out would be an options/solution) then book a meeting with a solicitor. It is important to do your research before this stage so that you know what you want and what reasonably might happen.

It sounds as though you've not made a decision for yourself in YEARS so make sure that htis is what you want and that you know what you want and what you can reasonably expect before TELLING him that the marriage is over.

Please, please, please, do not put up with such horrible treatment for another 10 or 20 years.

Everything about this says you NEED TO get rid of him
What a way for you and your children to live
Where exactly does he live away five days a week?

Get a solicitor, copy documents and payslips like holrosea says. Tell your dad or a friend or neighbour or your son's friend's parents before you tell him it's over so someone is checking on you if he goes off on one.

This man is vile.

This is one of the worst relationships I have read about on here..I'm absolutely gobsmacked you have stayed with him.

Divorce him. He needs you a lot more than you need him. X

You had a lovely wedding day. You do not have a lovely marriage or a lovely life. But he's away all week so you've got time to get your ducks in a row, get a shit hot lawyer, work out what you're entitled to and have a lovely divorce. And a lovely rest of your life. You won't regret it and your sons will thank you for it.

These replies must be really hard to read, I feel so sad for you.

So sorry, the link is here
It's called Rights of Women UK

Erm, does he have any good points?

Is he super attractive or something?

Charismatic and talented?

Rich?

Otherwise I can't imagine why you'd stay with him, other than you must be terrified of being single?

2sticks - well done for being brave and asking for help and opinions on here. It's really easy for us to recommend getting out. For you, it's harder to realise because your husband has been gradually wearing you down over the years. I bet he wasn't at all like this when you first met?

You are going through a classic boiling frog situation

Those poor boys.

What an awful home for them to be brought up in.

You can be sure they are hugely aware and affected by your choosing to stay with such a horror of a man.

Think of your children.

Oh my God, OP. Reading this made my heart break. You need to leave this stupid fucking bullying bastard.

Divorce him

This is a sad post. I hope its not real as its awful to think someone is living this life.

OP read your post back thinking your dearest friend had written it about the way her husband treats her. What would you advise her?

You’re lucky your boys are good, with him as a role model! You would all be happier without him.

Do not talk to him about what you plan.
Get legal advice and clarify financial situation
Plan to leave
file for divorce from this monster

You deserve more and dont you think your boys do too? If you stay they will think this is how you treat women
Good luck

I'm sorry but I would say fuck of then and don't come back. This must cause you a huge amount of stress . It is emotional abuse

I think it’s really easy to say “leave him” when there is nowhere to go. I found your story so sad. I believe you’re staying with him as you don’t believe there is any better or that you deserve better. As he does not stay at home often, you have some space to yourself which probably makes you believe that you can carry on like that. The thing is that you can’t but I believe you will know/ feel when to leave him and in the right time, no one will have to convince you of doing so.

As mentioned before by another poster, I am hoping this is a fake post by a troll as I cant imagine anyone putting up with this behaviour? If this is a true post then those poor boys. Poor you. Now get out and stay out. Get a plan together and go.

The more i read the more horrified I was... then the last bit about the swingers!

This man is sickeningly abusing you in every way possible. You absolutely have to leave. Save your boys from becoming their dad. Every moment longer you stay, you are normalising this behaviour for them..

Get rid!!!!!

Be grateful he forced you into marriage, because it gives you a far better deal when it comes to divorce.

So now divorce him.

He won't change. What are you waiting for? He's away 80% of the time anyway- so you know you can cope without him. He's a nasty bully. Leave him.