Do I give up on my husband

[2sticksange]

Hello, many that's for anyone who makes it to the end of my story.

I really am just after independent advice.

I have been with my husband for 18 years (married for 6).

On a regular basis my husband threatens to leave me. It's normal for my husband to have a bad day and pack his bags and leave me only to return 5 hours later. This has happened so often that our children (12 and 14) consider these days as "domino's days". This is not because my children don't care but because they rarely see their father who only ever acknowledges them in order to order them to bed. they are beautiful, kind and very clever boys who I love deeply.

On a daily basis my husband will insult me (For fucks sake you are such a F*ing Cretin, Idiot, Imbecile, lazy Bitch, cow etc) and will constantly criticise everything I do. My husband humiliates me in front of my family (I only have my elderly father and this regularly brings him to tears) and I am not allowed to do anything in the house for fear of the fact that I am useless at everything I do From DIY, keeping the house.

We married 6 years ago because my husband threatened me that he would leave me and the kids if I didn't agree to a wedding (I was never bothered about getting married, we had two lovely kids and I never felt marriage was necessary). Don't get mr wrong it was a lovely wedding and I had a good day.

Friends and family have always commented on my husbands attitude towards me.. Many friends have been advising me to "escape"for a while now and it came to a head recently when a person I know professionally slipped my the telephone number of the local women's refuge. I was mortified and can no longer ignore the way my husband treats me .

I insisted on marriage guidance counselling and my husband confirmed that he resents the fact that we had children. He feels that I am entirely responsible for him becoming a father and family man and thinks that without us he would have a glittering career and be successful. ( PS he earns a 6 figure salary and still does the same job he did when I met him)

His reason for hating me is that he wishes we we still going out and having fun with our friends like we did in our twenties when we met (doesn't everyone in their forties think this). and that we don't have any sex anymore.

1, The reason we don't go out any more is because my husband works and lives away 5 days a week (this was to resolve his previous desire to go out and party like he did as a student and allowed him to spend at least four night s week that he didn't have any responsibilities, whilst I looked after the house and kids). My husband never introduces or invites me out with his friends etc ( I suspect he doesn't have many)- he rarely has a good word to say about his work colleagues and has twice been reprimanded for bullying of female colleagues.

I however have a very full social life with my friends who invite him to join us regularly. He has very few friends and he has told me quite simply that they don't like me and therefore does not involve me in his social life. But importantly, he never even suggests that the two of us go out together as a couple.the only time this ever happens is if I book us a weekend away as a wedding anniversary surprise.

1. My husband refuses any intimacy. The last time I tried to be spontaneously intimate with my husband he elbowed me in the face and gave me a black eye for touching him when he didn't want it. I now have to ask permission for a hug or a kiss. Having to ask permission of your husband to carry out what I believe the be a spontaneous intimate act between husband and wife is quite demeaning.

My husband states that he is not prepared to have a sexual relationship without romance but blocks any chance of romance in our relationship leaving me pretty much in lingo. ( he once bought me flowers and when I accepted the he stated "I don't know why I Bought them because I hate you"). there is no romance in our relationship but it is definitely not because I am not trying.

Other excuses have been "you have gotten fat since I married you and I don't see you in a sexual way any more. I agree I have put on weight, (I am a size bigger from when we got married) I definitely drink too much but I believe that your don't lose weight to feel better but you will lose weight if you feel better and quite frankly for the last 4 years I have felt miserable.

Earlier this year I raised the issue of the no sex in our house problem and he invited two friends around who like to swing.(I cooked dinner as I thought they were just uni friends) This resulted in me having a conversation with the boring husband about cars whilst my husband sat under a blanket getting frisky with the wife whilst grinning at me all night .

Apparently this was fine because I had every chance to pull the husband. He has regularly repeated that if I want sex I am welcome to go get it elsewhere.

But ultimately I really want a loving relationship with my husband.

Do I give up......Is there any chance that my relationship can change...

Divorce him right now. It's good you got married so you'll get some of the assets. Let him piss off and party all the time whilst you have a lovely life.

I hope every MN’er standing behind you gives you the courage to leave this awful “relationship”. Take the advice of getting your finances in order and get a decent solicitor. Once he catches wind of you wanting out his behaviour will only get worse.

I would "suggest" during lockdown he stay at his other apartment

Then use this time to find out all the finance, etc

Then contact a divorce solicitor and get a divorce started.

The best thing you ever did was marry him and now he can pay his dues.

This is not a marriage, this is just awful for you, get out x

Your husband hates you. Your husband also hates your children. For thier sake please leave him. Next time he packs his bags don't let him back in the house.

I mean, he literally hates you.
Your counselling session has just given him time to come up with some random excuses. If you ever managed to tick every one of his long list of requirements for happiness I guarantee he would come up with a dozen new ones - all on you.
He hates you.
He makes your father cry.
People are so worried about you they are passing you slips of paper because he so obviously hates you.

It's time to divorce him and set you children, your dad and yourself free.

Everyone you know will celebrate.

Yes, please separate from him permanently.

He sounds kind of evil.

Jesus. What a vile excuse for a man. I was waiting for the bit where you listed his mitigating good points (which still wouldn't have come close to making any difference), but no, there don't appear to be any. Aside from ones with physical abuse, I've rarely read a thread more deserving of 'LTB'. Tbh it's hard to believe you even need to ask the question, OP. He's vile, he hates you and he doesn't even appear to like his own children. He's a monster.

This relationship is laughable. It sounds like Jeremy Kyle. How horrible for you OP. He really is an abusive tw** and I'm not surprised your DF is reduced to tears.

What are you waiting for. get this divorce process rolling. You have literally nothing to lose and everything to gain!

This cretin gets off on hurting and humiliating you. What do your sons make of it? I assume they hate him and would be far happier if they never saw him again?

And your sons are learning that this is what a relationship looks like.
They will replicate their father's behaviour if this is the only model they see.
Stop being so passive OP.
Get out and show your boys that women are people not voiceless objects to be vilified, humiliated and abused by men.

Here,.have my LTB card..
The man is a waste of space.
Nothing more to say.

I am rarely in the LTB camp, but this is awful and you should definitely leave. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy the way he treats you. No wonder he hasn’t got any friends he sound utterly vile and seems to be projecting all his disappointment about life onto you. I’ve got DCs similar age to you and I would be so upset if my DH humiliated me in front of them the way your DH does. Please make plans to leave, you are worth so much more than this. When your DCs leave home you will be left with this man, get out now while you can! It will also show your DCs that you are not prepared to have someone treat you this way, let alone someone who is supposed to love you!

This is so horrible for you, hugs hugs hugs. Please look up the freedom programme, so many women who have survived abuse find it useful for getting their head around what has been done to them.

There is really good news though! He has weirdly done you a massive favour by forcing you to marry him! If you weren't married he wouldn't owe you a thing and you might be worse off financially if you left him. But because you are married you are entitled to 50 % of everything.

Please make sure you take great care to get your ducks in a row before he suspects anything. Be very secretive and make sure he doesn't suspect you are leaving before you are ready to tell him. Seek legal advice and make copies of all the financial documents you can get your hands on. Call the national domestic violence helpline. Being a nasty piece of work with a six figure salary I can guarantee he will employ very nasty lawyers and play every trick in the book to try to get out of paying you your due. Steel yourself for a fight.

But when you are through all the trouble of divorce you will have an amazing life! You have two lovely boys who love you. You can have dominos nights with the boys every night if you want, and do all the DIY you want even if it's imperfect. You can live free of the constant criticism and attacks. You have lots of friends and a social life. Your colleagues care enough about you to try and help you. Seriously it is very clear you have a lot going for you, you can get through this and I promise you will just be so happy you left. Wishing you all the best. Xxxxx

@2sticksange

mamapisspant; I confess I don't know what LTB means

When you find out what it means I think you should do it. Life is not supposed to be like this, and certainly when you have children and a responsibility towards them to teach them how to be decent adults; this is not they way. I feel so sorry for you and I mean this kindly x

You deserve so much more and I hope you can realise this. Leave not only for your future happiness which you deserve but so that your boys do not see his vile behaviour to you any longer - be strong OP

I'm sorry, you and your sons are being abused by this frankly diabolical man. Formulate a plan, get your money and documents in order, speak to a solicitor. Once this is done, if it's safe, ask him to leave. You may have to find somewhere to stay with your sons though, chances are he will refuse to leave if you are asking. Good luck.

This is so so sad op. Please don't give him a second more of your precious life. What makes you stay and accept this? Your poor DC as well, this is their normal and at their ages i fear the damage is done. But you can leave and still show them how wrong this is.
What do you think you need to leave?

He sounds like he needs to be kept in a cage and fed with a stick. I'd prefer a dog in my house vs him. A rabid one would be an improvement

Sorry OP , your husband is a vile abuser and you absolutely deserve better. First thing, none of this is on you, he is entirely responsible for his behaviour. It is clear that during the years he has done everything he possibly can to erode your feelings of self worth. He is trying to leave you in such a state of fear that you would never contemplate leaving him. You and your boys deserve a happy life. Take steps to get that life, seek legal advice, gather as much information on your husbands finances, pensions etc. And if you feel threatened or fearful of his actions please call the Police.

He sounds like an asshole and I don't think it's curable as there's so much that's wrong in your post. He's a terrible example to your sons and they will treat their own wives the same way. You might hope they will sympathise with you when they're older, but actually, they might lose respect for you too or even end up treating you the same way he does.

His attachment to romance is really, really strange and I wouldn't believe any of it. I wonder if he's the type of person who loves the whirlwind and excitement of finding someone new and then discards that person quickly when they become bored. It's not true love or romance that they want. It's not about a deep connection with another human being - it's about their own excitement, ego stroking and thrills. It's what narcissists often do. Romance???? He doesn't know the meaning of the word! And inviting those people round, not letting you know what they liked or what the situation was??? That's really fucked up!!!!!!

I would advise that you leave this man. Really. You are immersing yourself in a toxic environment and I think it could end up making you physically ill because of the toll it's taking. Call Women's Aid for advice. You are incredibly lucky that you have friends and family that can help you. I'm sure if you reach out they will be glad to do so.

Also - he's the idiot, not you. If he starts making a scene or cries when you say you want to leave, don't give in.

Your poor DC having to live with this. He works away anyway, what joy does he honestly bring to your life when he is home? It sounds like none. You would all be better off without him in your lives.

Good Lord OP, how can life without him possibly be worse than life with him?

OP I cannot express how happy and free you will feel if you leave this man. I can't believe what I've read, I don't know how you're holding it together

This man brings absolutely no joy to your life or your children’s lives. Why on earth do you want to keep flogging a dead horse? He clearly dislikes you and has no wish to be married, so do yourself and your kids a favour and make plans to start a new life without him.