Do I give up on my husband

[2sticksange]

Hello, many that's for anyone who makes it to the end of my story.

I really am just after independent advice.

I have been with my husband for 18 years (married for 6).

On a regular basis my husband threatens to leave me. It's normal for my husband to have a bad day and pack his bags and leave me only to return 5 hours later. This has happened so often that our children (12 and 14) consider these days as "domino's days". This is not because my children don't care but because they rarely see their father who only ever acknowledges them in order to order them to bed. they are beautiful, kind and very clever boys who I love deeply.

On a daily basis my husband will insult me (For fucks sake you are such a F*ing Cretin, Idiot, Imbecile, lazy Bitch, cow etc) and will constantly criticise everything I do. My husband humiliates me in front of my family (I only have my elderly father and this regularly brings him to tears) and I am not allowed to do anything in the house for fear of the fact that I am useless at everything I do From DIY, keeping the house.

We married 6 years ago because my husband threatened me that he would leave me and the kids if I didn't agree to a wedding (I was never bothered about getting married, we had two lovely kids and I never felt marriage was necessary). Don't get mr wrong it was a lovely wedding and I had a good day.

Friends and family have always commented on my husbands attitude towards me.. Many friends have been advising me to "escape"for a while now and it came to a head recently when a person I know professionally slipped my the telephone number of the local women's refuge. I was mortified and can no longer ignore the way my husband treats me .

I insisted on marriage guidance counselling and my husband confirmed that he resents the fact that we had children. He feels that I am entirely responsible for him becoming a father and family man and thinks that without us he would have a glittering career and be successful. ( PS he earns a 6 figure salary and still does the same job he did when I met him)

His reason for hating me is that he wishes we we still going out and having fun with our friends like we did in our twenties when we met (doesn't everyone in their forties think this). and that we don't have any sex anymore.

1, The reason we don't go out any more is because my husband works and lives away 5 days a week (this was to resolve his previous desire to go out and party like he did as a student and allowed him to spend at least four night s week that he didn't have any responsibilities, whilst I looked after the house and kids). My husband never introduces or invites me out with his friends etc ( I suspect he doesn't have many)- he rarely has a good word to say about his work colleagues and has twice been reprimanded for bullying of female colleagues.

I however have a very full social life with my friends who invite him to join us regularly. He has very few friends and he has told me quite simply that they don't like me and therefore does not involve me in his social life. But importantly, he never even suggests that the two of us go out together as a couple.the only time this ever happens is if I book us a weekend away as a wedding anniversary surprise.

1. My husband refuses any intimacy. The last time I tried to be spontaneously intimate with my husband he elbowed me in the face and gave me a black eye for touching him when he didn't want it. I now have to ask permission for a hug or a kiss. Having to ask permission of your husband to carry out what I believe the be a spontaneous intimate act between husband and wife is quite demeaning.

My husband states that he is not prepared to have a sexual relationship without romance but blocks any chance of romance in our relationship leaving me pretty much in lingo. ( he once bought me flowers and when I accepted the he stated "I don't know why I Bought them because I hate you"). there is no romance in our relationship but it is definitely not because I am not trying.

Other excuses have been "you have gotten fat since I married you and I don't see you in a sexual way any more. I agree I have put on weight, (I am a size bigger from when we got married) I definitely drink too much but I believe that your don't lose weight to feel better but you will lose weight if you feel better and quite frankly for the last 4 years I have felt miserable.

Earlier this year I raised the issue of the no sex in our house problem and he invited two friends around who like to swing.(I cooked dinner as I thought they were just uni friends) This resulted in me having a conversation with the boring husband about cars whilst my husband sat under a blanket getting frisky with the wife whilst grinning at me all night .

Apparently this was fine because I had every chance to pull the husband. He has regularly repeated that if I want sex I am welcome to go get it elsewhere.

But ultimately I really want a loving relationship with my husband.

Do I give up......Is there any chance that my relationship can change...

Please leave

He's an utter abusive bastard to you and your kids.

Use the time he spends away to speak to a top notch divorce lawyer, collate as much financial info and you can and any important documents (passports/birth certificates etc)

Leave him as soon as you can - preferably before lockdown on Thursday.

OP, my hear breaks reading this
Children learn by watching us. You deserve so much more than this. They deserve role modeling better than this.

Please leave him.

Good god OP! Get out of this relationship and get your boys out too. Leverage any and every bit of help you need to do so.

You have zero obligation to make any further effort to keep the 'relationship' going. It's not you, it's him and it is not salvageable. I am the most hesitant person to say things like that, but even I can see from what you say that there is no chance.

Good grief... even if he wanted sex and intimacy all of a sudden would you even want it after the way he’s treated you??? I’ve been treated badly before but never to this level and I couldn’t stand to even be touched by that person. Could you even come back from this? And if you could WHY??? He’s a surly, gas lighting prick, I would leave him so fast his head would spin.

I am lost for word, your husband is disgusting.

Jesus...

There is no salvaging anything with this bully. He doesn't want you. Find your pride, get a divorce, and remove this abuse from your children's lives.

I can't think of a reason you are still in this marriage?? Genuinely, do you have a reason? Is there something keeping you with him, honest question.

Aren't you worried what your kids are learning from growing up in a home like this???

I thought it was bad with your “Dominos Days” reference. And that was bad. And then your post just got worse and worse and worse. I’m so sorry for you Op, this is no life for you and your children. Leave this awful excuse for a man/husband/father; break free and find some joy, which you all wholeheartedly deserve.

The kids are older though abs this is normal to them now... how can she leave (which she needs to) without the kids resenting her and becoming the bad guy?
They shouldn't but how should she move forward with kids who have been brought up with this shitty behaviour as standard?

@hoolahoopss

The kids are older though abs this is normal to them now... how can she leave (which she needs to) without the kids resenting her and becoming the bad guy? They shouldn't but how should she move forward with kids who have been brought up with this shitty behaviour as standard?

By contacting Women's Aid and getting to a refuge.

If that's not possible staying with friends/family who understand he's abusive.

Then getting therapy for herself and her children.

Your post infuriates (disgusts) me in the sense that it offers no hope (when there is) to the OP and also twists the dynamic to blame her for staying in an abusive relationship and that any damage to her children is her fault.

He's an abusive bastard that has groomed her for years.

From the outside in is easy to be judgemental, but most abusers are careful and cunning bastards and slowly destroy a persons sense of self worth.

She needs kindness and support not blame to move forward for her and her children.

Oh. My. God.

He is a monumental cunt.
Please leave. He doesn’t deserve his family.

@2sticksange

mamapisspant; I confess I don't know what LTB means

LTB= 'Leave the bastard'

Please do...He sounds utterly vile, and will not change.
UGH. What a poor specimen.

My God OP, this is horrific.
These are your finite, precious days alive. You deserve happiness and joy. You have no chance of happiness with this man. Your children are watching you - you are the template for their own lives and he makes your elderly father cry! Get out of this asap.

You don't have to ASK him for a divorce. You tell him.
He's an utter cunt and you can do much better without him.

2sticksange you are in an abusive relationship. He is abusing you.

PLEASE see this, read back what you wrote and imagine that anyone was even treating a dog like this, you would be calling the RSPCA!

Please call women's aid

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Cover your tracks, so he has no idea what you are doing.

See a solicitor so that you can find out how to get out of this awful marriage.

This man is utterly appalling and vile, he has treated you like shit for a very long time and your boys are watching this. God only knows what messages they are getting about marriage and life from this.

You need to find out how to get the best possible outcome for you and your boys and make your life without this man. You need to protect your boys from a man who claims not to want them.

Life is short, do not waste another month or year being with a man who you openly admit hates you. "His reason for hating me..."

Please, please, do not give this man any more of your time or attention, seek legal help to end this travesty of a marriage and make a new life for your boys away from this utter arse.

You say you have lovely friends and great kids - I'd just end things with your dh and focus on them instead. What you've described is so far from what a happy marriage should be. It also sounds toxic for your children. It will be damaging them to around a father who harbours so much resentment over their existence and who is so indifferent towards them. If you don't end things for you (which you totally should) then end things for them. They deserve better and so do you.

I don't often comment on threads especially when I am going to say the same as everyone else. But your life sounds like utter hell on earth. Please leave him for yourself and your children.

Oh god please leave him. What an abusive, disgusting excuse for a human.

He brings your elderly dad to tears? Your poor, poor children. My god that is shocking. I want to feel for you but I just feel angry reading this - you barely mention the impact on your children! How messed up they must be from living like this. Put your children first, forget you wanting a relationship with your husband and think about them (and your Dad).

He is an abuser. You are worth so much more. This is abuse. And it's bad.

I will just say this. Ew. Why would you even want to be associated with a man like that. Take your kids and go or you will end up killing yourself

There is not one redeeming feature about this man or your marriage- I cannot believe you would want to spend another second near this narcissistic abuser OP

So he hates you and your children.
He slept with someone else in front of you.

He has told you he doesn’t see you in a sexual way and has given you a black eye to get you away from him.
He’s away from the house doing goodness knows what 4 /5 nights a week.
Why in hell are you with this creature exactly? There IS nothing to salvage! He’s staying with you because it’s easier and cheaper for him. Ring women’s aid and see a solicitor.

Wow he sounds like an utter twat! What the fuck? This isn't normal and you must know it yourself op, surely. Ltb.

Wow.... often think the replies on here can be too harsh and overly critical but this time I have to agree whole heartedly. He sounds really horrible. You sound like a lovely wife and mum so let me ask you this: (a) would you want your sons to treat their wives like your husband treats you and (b) this is your life and you only have one. Do you really want to waking up beside this man everyday (or at least on the days he is at home) for the rest of your life or would you rather be alone; if the later then I would think very carefully about calling it a day.