Hello, many that's for anyone who makes it to the end of my story.
I really am just after independent advice.
I have been with my husband for 18 years (married for 6).
On a regular basis my husband threatens to leave me. It's normal for my husband to have a bad day and pack his bags and leave me only to return 5 hours later. This has happened so often that our children (12 and 14) consider these days as "domino's days". This is not because my children don't care but because they rarely see their father who only ever acknowledges them in order to order them to bed. they are beautiful, kind and very clever boys who I love deeply.
On a daily basis my husband will insult me (For fucks sake you are such a F*ing Cretin, Idiot, Imbecile, lazy Bitch, cow etc) and will constantly criticise everything I do. My husband humiliates me in front of my family (I only have my elderly father and this regularly brings him to tears) and I am not allowed to do anything in the house for fear of the fact that I am useless at everything I do From DIY, keeping the house.
We married 6 years ago because my husband threatened me that he would leave me and the kids if I didn't agree to a wedding (I was never bothered about getting married, we had two lovely kids and I never felt marriage was necessary). Don't get mr wrong it was a lovely wedding and I had a good day.
Friends and family have always commented on my husbands attitude towards me.. Many friends have been advising me to "escape"for a while now and it came to a head recently when a person I know professionally slipped my the telephone number of the local women's refuge. I was mortified and can no longer ignore the way my husband treats me .
I insisted on marriage guidance counselling and my husband confirmed that he resents the fact that we had children. He feels that I am entirely responsible for him becoming a father and family man and thinks that without us he would have a glittering career and be successful. ( PS he earns a 6 figure salary and still does the same job he did when I met him)
His reason for hating me is that he wishes we we still going out and having fun with our friends like we did in our twenties when we met (doesn't everyone in their forties think this). and that we don't have any sex anymore.
1, The reason we don't go out any more is because my husband works and lives away 5 days a week (this was to resolve his previous desire to go out and party like he did as a student and allowed him to spend at least four night s week that he didn't have any responsibilities, whilst I looked after the house and kids). My husband never introduces or invites me out with his friends etc ( I suspect he doesn't have many)- he rarely has a good word to say about his work colleagues and has twice been reprimanded for bullying of female colleagues.
I however have a very full social life with my friends who invite him to join us regularly. He has very few friends and he has told me quite simply that they don't like me and therefore does not involve me in his social life. But importantly, he never even suggests that the two of us go out together as a couple.the only time this ever happens is if I book us a weekend away as a wedding anniversary surprise.
- My husband refuses any intimacy. The last time I tried to be spontaneously intimate with my husband he elbowed me in the face and gave me a black eye for touching him when he didn't want it. I now have to ask permission for a hug or a kiss. Having to ask permission of your husband to carry out what I believe the be a spontaneous intimate act between husband and wife is quite demeaning.
My husband states that he is not prepared to have a sexual relationship without romance but blocks any chance of romance in our relationship leaving me pretty much in lingo. ( he once bought me flowers and when I accepted the he stated "I don't know why I Bought them because I hate you"). there is no romance in our relationship but it is definitely not because I am not trying.
Other excuses have been "you have gotten fat since I married you and I don't see you in a sexual way any more. I agree I have put on weight, (I am a size bigger from when we got married) I definitely drink too much but I believe that your don't lose weight to feel better but you will lose weight if you feel better and quite frankly for the last 4 years I have felt miserable.
Earlier this year I raised the issue of the no sex in our house problem and he invited two friends around who like to swing.(I cooked dinner as I thought they were just uni friends) This resulted in me having a conversation with the boring husband about cars whilst my husband sat under a blanket getting frisky with the wife whilst grinning at me all night .
Apparently this was fine because I had every chance to pull the husband. He has regularly repeated that if I want sex I am welcome to go get it elsewhere.
But ultimately I really want a loving relationship with my husband.
Do I give up......Is there any chance that my relationship can change...