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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sulking DH

33 replies

Holyjebus · 02/11/2020 11:39

This is really driving me mad! DH is acting like a bloody teenager.
Every other week he sulks over me drinking wine and won't speak to me for a solid week. I just ignore him and leave him too it.
We have two small boys so we will speak only if it's to do with them.
He crawls back eventually with a hug but will never discuss the underlying issue!
I drink behind his back because he hates me drinking. I'm so mild that he never notices I've been drinking but every now and again he'll find an empty bottle of wine and so begins the sulking.
I wish he would just sit down and discuss it like a normal adult.
I'm at the end of my tether with him!

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 02/11/2020 11:50

Why is it such an issue for him? Does he have an alcoholic in his family? Does he suspect you of alcoholism?

Shoxfordian · 02/11/2020 12:02

What's his issue with you drinking? Has he always been like it?

Original poster
Holyjebus · 02/11/2020 12:02

He is a tee-totaler and doesn't understand the need for anyone to drink at home!
The thing is, I've always been a big wine drinker and it's never been a problem before.
I gave it up for about 3 months before and I was so miserable. I like to unwind at the end of a working day. He can't understand this!

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 02/11/2020 12:10

Is he sober for health reasons? Or does he think it gives him moral superiority? I think the only thing you are doing wrong is drinking in secret. I'd confront it head on, say you like a glass or two of wine and that that is your prerogative as an adult.

Aquicknamechange2019 · 02/11/2020 12:19

How much wine are you drinking?

pointythings · 02/11/2020 12:21

Sulking is never OK, but how much are you drinking and is it every day? Are you well over the weekly recommended limit? More information needed.

goldenharvest · 02/11/2020 12:23

It totally depends on how much you are drinking. Honestly.

His sulking comes from a level of concern for your health. You need to address his concerns together and reach an agreement.

Original poster
Holyjebus · 02/11/2020 12:24

No, he just doesn't drink because he doesn't like it!
Technically, I don't do it in secret, he is never there in the evenings as he working from home but outside, so he's not there too see me.
I've said it to him before that it's my perogative and it doesn't affect him in any way.
I do hide the bottles I guess but only to stop him nagging.
I try to keep it to weekends only, these last few months I have been drinking a lot more I guess, due to being bored shitless home alone during COVID. He doesn't know this though as he's never there.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 02/11/2020 12:24

I can get him being annoyed if you're genuinely drinking too much, but him giving you the silent treatment isn't the way to handle it.

MaizeBlouse · 02/11/2020 12:25

I think there's a few gaps in the explanation here OP.

Are you trying to engage him in conversation about the sulking behaviour? Why is he tee total? And 'big drinker' is quite a broad brush.. are we talking a bottle a night (a lot in my opinion!) or a glass or two every few days?

Kind of sounds like your both acting a bit childishly about it

Sparkletastic · 02/11/2020 12:25

Do you think it's got out of hand at all?

TokyoSushi · 02/11/2020 12:28

OP, kindly, you don't seem to have a very healthy relationship with drink.

If you were just drinking a glass or two at the weekend, even if my DH didn't like it, I wouldn't hide it, because it's a normal thing to do. If you're hiding bottles and drinking in secret then that suggests that you might be drinking quite a lot more than the odd glass here and there and you have bigger issues than a (perhaps rightly) sulking husband.

Please accept my apologies if I've completely got the wrong end of the stick.

PostItJoyWeek · 02/11/2020 12:29
  1. Stop hiding the bottles. Be completely open about it. Leave the wine glass obviously out. You are implying it is unacceptable behaviour.
  1. Don't forgive him so easily for sulking. That is awful behaviour and you should not let it slide. You are implying it is acceptable behaviour.

Change those two behaviours and see what happens.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 02/11/2020 12:29

I wish he would just sit down and discuss it like a normal adult.
Sulking is not the way to go about things, but do you ever try to initiate that conversation?

BadDucks · 02/11/2020 12:31

Sulking is not ok, hiding bottles is not ok it’s all making for a very dysfunctional marriage and relationship with alcohol.

You haven’t actually put a figure on exactly how much you drink though despite a few people asking.

Original poster
Holyjebus · 02/11/2020 12:34

Sorry, I had replied but it doesn't seem to be appearing here!
He is never home as he works a lot so he's not there to witness it so I guess technically I'm not hiding it from him.
When I say 'hiding' the bottles, it's in the bin. He found a bottle when he was emptying the bin bags.
I know myself lately I have been drinking far too much, maybe a bottle here and there. Far too much for me. He doesn't know this though as he doesn't see it.
When I do have a glass in front of him, I get the eye roll and silent treatment so I find it easier to have a few glasses when he's not there!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2020 12:35

His sulking treatment is not the answer and is alcohol controlling you rather than you controlling it?.

Both you and he need to talk openly and honestly as well as taking a good hard look at yourselves. What relationship example are you showing your kids here?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2020 12:42

The eyerolls and silent treatment from him are patently not helpful nor are they working out for either of you.

It has certainly been the case that some people have been drinking far more since the start of March and have gone onto develop dependency issues. You are likely developing an alcohol dependency issue and your relationship with alcohol now is not a healthy one. You have probably put on weight too, alcohol has many calories in it.

You need to be completely honest with your own self here. Would you be willing to talk to someone like your GP about your alcohol consumption?.

Original poster
Holyjebus · 02/11/2020 12:46

Sorry, I didn't mean to skip the questions.
I am drinking maybe 2 - 3 glasses of wine most days. Maybe 3-4 days per week. This would be a big week.
I try not to stray from 2 glasses at the weekend.
I guess it isn't 'normal'. I come from a big drinking family where my sister and mum drink everynight to unwind. His family don't drink at all.
I really do need to address it for health reasons I guess.
Thank you for all the honest and straight replies ;)

OP posts:
pointythings · 02/11/2020 12:49

If you are able to have 'smaller' weeks most of the time with 3 (preferably 4) non drinking days a week, and if you do not find this difficult then it may well be that you do not have an alcohol problem. But if you struggle to not drink, then that is a problem.

You need to tell your husband straight out that sulking, silent treatment and eye rolling are childish and will not gain him anything. There are two things at play here and both need some careful thought.

FrustratoPotato · 02/11/2020 12:54

If you want to address your drinking that is a separate issue to your husband's behaviour. My DH hardly ever drinks and doesn't necessarily like that I have a glass of wine (or 5)at the weekend but he doesn't give me the silent treatment. He has stated outright that he was concerned that my drinking was getting a bit out of hand over lockdown and then we had a conversation about it.
If you confront him about his sulking don't let him distract you by making it about your drinking. the silent treatment is a form of abuse.

Cauterize · 02/11/2020 12:56

The eye rolling and huffing would infuriate me.

However, 2-3 glasses a day is probably too much, which you accept. So surely there is a compromise to be made? You shouldn't have to give up drinking completely, just because he doesn't agree with it though! That's his problem/preference.

BadDucks · 02/11/2020 13:00

I don’t drink so that seems a lot to me. I think you need to separate the drinking issue from the DH issue as he clearly doesn’t have the emotional maturity to support you.

StormcloakNord · 02/11/2020 13:05

I'm maybe the only one here but I think if my DH had that much of a problem with me drinking I just wouldn't drink.

But, I'm not a big drinker really so just not drinking wouldn't be an issue for me.

I do think maybe there's a problem when people need alcohol to unwind..

Annasgirl · 02/11/2020 13:10

Hi OP, I think you have a major problem with your DH because as you say, you are an adult and it is up to you how much and when you drink (unless you are about to sit in a car). So you have a controlling and emotionally abusive DH. This is something you need to address. If he continues to ignore you, you must sit down and ask yourself, is this the person you want to share your life with (we only get one life OP and many women stay too long in miserable situations).

Re the alcohol - I think you are probably drinking too much but this could be as a reaction to living in the situation you are now in, or it could be because of your familial pattern of using alcohol as a crutch, neither of which excuses the fact that you should drink less, especially if you are alone with 2 small children.