Feel like he thinks it’s my fault I’m I’ll?

[WTFrigg]

Heya, just wanted to get some other perspectives on this because it’s driving me crazy!

So, my boyfriend was supposed to spend the weekend at mine. On Friday night I felt knackered, really run down so I asked for him to come on Saturday instead so I could have an early night and feel better for the weekend - it was half term and I had been dealing with a very bored hyper 3 year old all week so thought I just needed sleep. He begrudgingly agreed.

The next morning I felt worse - headache, fatigue and mild fever. I told him this and said it’s probably best to stay away just incase. That I would keep an eye on my temperature and order a Covid test if needs be, but on the off chance it is that I don’t want to risk him getting it and those he lives with (one of which is vulnerable). This upset him and he seemed a bit off on the phone - the whole “I really wanted to see you” thing.

Since then we’ve been texting/speaking on the phone. I ended up ordering a test that arrived today and will be sending off tomorrow (fingers crossed all clear!) but he keeps going on about how he wanted to see me, that his weekend sucked, that he felt he could of done with a hug (!) and so on. It feels like it’s all about him - never mind the fact I’m feeling rubbish stuck at home with a super bored 3 year old with too much energy that doesn’t understand that mummy needs rest!

I understand that plans had to change and he might be disappointed, I am too, but whenever it comes up it’s almost like he’s blaming me for being ill and has little empathy for my situation. Even when we talk about test results it’s “I hope it’s negative so I can see you” rather than “I hope it’s negative and you feel better and so you and DC aren’t cooped up for weeks” as he knows we both go very stir crazy.

I don’t know, just find it irksome. What do you think?

You don't think you were sleepwalking but you accepted all this unacceptable controlling behaviour without doing the only sensible thing and ending it.
Also you need to block him. Why haven't you?

Blocking him will stop the stream of messages instantly! He may soon turn nasty now, so pre empt that.

Well done OP, happy to see your last update
It’s very easy as an outsider to give advice but only you know how you got in the relationship and why you accepted the behaviours (as I stated, I’ve been there twice, knew full well what was happening but I wasn’t my strong self I am today. I was an absolute walkover and if I’d posted here then I’m sure you’d all have been angry!)
The important thing is you’ve acted and can now block the twerp and move on

Well done OP. Do you feel relieved?

You've done the right thing OP - now you just have to weather his campaign to force you to change your mind (and that's all he cares about, not being with you because he loves you).

If it gets difficult to stay strong, notice how difficult it is, and recognise it would be infinitely more difficult next time if you give in now.

Best of luck!

I do feel relieved if I’m honest. As for all the comments saying to block, if I’m honest I’m not that kind of person. Yes I’m getting a lot of messages but none have turned nasty and despite the obvious flaws that doesn’t mean to say we didn’t have good times and that he’s not hurt (in whatever capacity). Doesn’t mean I’m going to back down and change my mind though

But up you've ended it so theres no reason for him to be messaging you still. Let alone a lot. Its harassment territory.

Not what kind of person? There nothing wrong with blocking someone who wont take no for an answer. It isnt mean. He is a psycho. Did you feel sorry for freddy Krueger? Would you let him kill you to spare his feelings? Of course not!

If course I wouldn't be surprised if he moves on to posting long rambling letters through your door. He seems the type.

Either way don't respond to anything he sends you or he will think he is succeeding in making you feel 'its over' is negotiable.

@WTFrigg

I do feel relieved if I’m honest. As for all the comments saying to block, if I’m honest I’m not that kind of person. Yes I’m getting a lot of messages but none have turned nasty and despite the obvious flaws that doesn’t mean to say we didn’t have good times and that he’s not hurt (in whatever capacity). Doesn’t mean I’m going to back down and change my mind though

You're not the kind of person with boundaries and standards for yourself about how you should be treated

Freedom programme!

LTB. You do not want to end up with someone like this as you get older, someone who thinks only about his own needs and never yours. Your comments about his other failings just add to this.

You're not the kind of person with boundaries and standards for yourself about how you should be treated

Freedom programme

Ease up. She's dropped him.

@Eckhart

You're not the kind of person with boundaries and standards for yourself about how you should be treated

Freedom programme

Ease up. She's dropped him.

Until he wears her down because she is allowing him to continue contacting her

Until he wears her down because she is allowing him to continue contacting her

That's just projection, and I'd credit OP with the nouse to tell him to leave her alone if it gets too much.

I think sadly women are often trained to consider mens feelings above all else...even over their own personal safety! He has shown himself to be unhinged at best and to not respect your right to end things and yet you're still dont seen to think u have the right to block him.

You absolutely do. You dont owe him anything. You owe it to yourself to not let people walk all over your boundaries and disrespect, manipulate and control you though.

Oh, ps op, he will probably want you to meet him in person to talk. Don't agree! ('We have nothing to talk about. We are over. Do not contact me again').

*you still dont seem

@Eckhart

Until he wears her down because she is allowing him to continue contacting her

That's just projection, and I'd credit OP with the nouse to tell him to leave her alone if it gets too much.

It's literally what happened before

it can be easier said than done when breaking up (though I have already effectively tried to do so but he managed to sweet talk his way back in - more fool me I suppose!)

Thank you Eckhart, your right, I have no intention of going back on my decision and if he continues or gets aggressive then I will absolutely block but at the moment it’s not necessary. I have made my position very clear and thankfully it’s calmed down now anyway.

@CodenameVillanelle

It's literally what happened before

Presumably, then, you make the same mistakes over and over. Not everybody does that. Some learn.

[quote Eckhart]@CodenameVillanelle

It's literally what happened before

Presumably, then, you make the same mistakes over and over. Not everybody does that. Some learn.[/quote]
Yes and the lesson you learn with a controlling manipulative man who sweet talks you into getting back together when you don't really want to is to block them.

Yes and the lesson you learn with a controlling manipulative man who sweet talks you into getting back together when you don't really want to is to block them

No. The lesson that you learn is to set your own boundaries where YOU want them, and then maintain them. Not where some random like yourself tells you they should be.

CodenameVillanelle you seem a bit overinvested in this thread! OP has dumped him, she's dealing with the fallout but already it's tapered off. There's no need to go nuclear with every controlling bloke - sometimes they give up quite quickly so they can move onto their next victim. Sometimes it goes the other way of course, but all she has to do is keep an eye on his behaviours.

Anyway there’s no issue for the next 4 weeks at least, lockdown could be a good thing for creating a physical space between you (silver linings!)

Good on you OP ... you drew a line 🌺

Thank you for all your comments guys, though I knew what I needed to do anyway it did help me stick to my guns. I do think the lockdown will help - initially he was going to be my “Support bubble” but obviously that will no longer be the case. Now I’m just waiting for my results to come back and hopefully it’s negative so I can go get some fresh air 🤞😅

For those of us with weak boundaries, I think the best lesson we can learn is how to be our own 'support bubble'. Not to detract from the current meaning of that phrase, during this social distancing era, but at all times. Knowing how to be your own emotional support is the one of the most empowering things an individual can do.

I hope you have a peaceful lockdown, OP