Feel like he thinks it’s my fault I’m I’ll?

[WTFrigg]

Heya, just wanted to get some other perspectives on this because it’s driving me crazy!

So, my boyfriend was supposed to spend the weekend at mine. On Friday night I felt knackered, really run down so I asked for him to come on Saturday instead so I could have an early night and feel better for the weekend - it was half term and I had been dealing with a very bored hyper 3 year old all week so thought I just needed sleep. He begrudgingly agreed.

The next morning I felt worse - headache, fatigue and mild fever. I told him this and said it’s probably best to stay away just incase. That I would keep an eye on my temperature and order a Covid test if needs be, but on the off chance it is that I don’t want to risk him getting it and those he lives with (one of which is vulnerable). This upset him and he seemed a bit off on the phone - the whole “I really wanted to see you” thing.

Since then we’ve been texting/speaking on the phone. I ended up ordering a test that arrived today and will be sending off tomorrow (fingers crossed all clear!) but he keeps going on about how he wanted to see me, that his weekend sucked, that he felt he could of done with a hug (!) and so on. It feels like it’s all about him - never mind the fact I’m feeling rubbish stuck at home with a super bored 3 year old with too much energy that doesn’t understand that mummy needs rest!

I understand that plans had to change and he might be disappointed, I am too, but whenever it comes up it’s almost like he’s blaming me for being ill and has little empathy for my situation. Even when we talk about test results it’s “I hope it’s negative so I can see you” rather than “I hope it’s negative and you feel better and so you and DC aren’t cooped up for weeks” as he knows we both go very stir crazy.

I don’t know, just find it irksome. What do you think?

If I’m honest I think it’s just the way I write - in reality “irksome” doesn’t really fit the bill, I know that 😅

@WTFrigg

I’m not sure that he would mean me harm in the physical sense and a lot of the issues we have I think are more to do with major insecurities (not to suggest I need to put up with them!). Though the dominance thing may be true, I think he likes to feel like a “man” - sometimes trying to tell me what to do (never anything major mind) or claiming to want to look after me, infact more than once I’ve told him I’m not a delicate flower that needs looking after! But then in the bedroom he’s ..ahem.. very dominant 😅

No I dont mean physically either. I mean he wants to dominate and control you. That's his end game. To stamp all over you, metaphorically speaking.

The little 'it's what's best for you' kind of attitude will soon turn into telling you your friends are no good for you or certain outfits make you look fat and you should wear them. Or similar shit. Things disguised as for your benefit when actually they are designed to slowly breakdown your free will.

As mumsnet likes to say op...theres enough red flags here to create a bunting.

*should not wear them

He may not of told me what to wear, but right from the beginning he told me what he would like to see me in - which were totally not me at all and I told him it was never going to happen. He was also a bit iffy about the concept of me going out for drinks with my sister trying to joke I would be going out on the pull 🤨 (pre lockdown announcement of course!)

Get rid if he’s like this now what’s it going to be like later, hugs.

Worse with every update

Motherfucking fuck!! OP I married this exact man. Now I’m desperate and stuck with a severely disabled child (she’s awesome but cannot do a single thing for herself).
He went hell for leather after me to begin with (lied that his ex was an ex), mercilessly dumped her and blamed her, (I had no idea), was lazy, entitled, only concerned with getting attention... but the nice bits were very nice. I realised on my wedding day what he was really like.
Tell you what - read “In Sheep’s Clothing” - vest book I’ve read

Seriously op you need an action plan. I hope you can see now that he is creepy as fuck.

Krazy I’m so sorry to hear that, it must be really hard for you 💐

I know I need to get rid, it’s not what I want for myself of DC. I have already been married to a bit of a man child - but at least he genuinely did care for me and tried to put my needs first (though we were ill matched in other ways) and now I feel that I have lumbered myself with an even bigger man child 🤦‍♀️

You aren't lumbered. You don't live with him thank fuck.

He does sound worse with every update. Things the posters here predicted he'll do, you say he already does.

You need to draw a line and get him out your and your DD's life.

@WTFrigg

He may not of told me what to wear, but right from the beginning he told me what he would like to see me in - which were totally not me at all and I told him it was never going to happen. He was also a bit iffy about the concept of me going out for drinks with my sister trying to joke I would be going out on the pull 🤨 (pre lockdown announcement of course!)

Even more red flags I fear

I know I need to get rid
What's stopping you?

Wow, that was incredibly uncalled for. You know nothing about me. I’m sorry if the way I write offends you - perhaps it would be more to your taste if laced it with swear words but that’s not my style. As for putting “my child first for once”... my child is has always and always will be top priority to me. I am a good mum and he is well looked after and loved as anyone who ever met me would know.

OP,

You may find @hereyehereaye's post harsh but your posts are absolutely horrifying to read.

I think @hereyehearye is doing you a big service spelling it out like it reads to many of us....

You know this horror 5 minutes and he's been waving so many redflags at you it's a wonder he can carry them.

He is an abusive character that you shouldn't want within a hundred miles of your child.

He would find your child a nuisance as he controls more and more of your life.

Your posts are chilling.
Absolutely chilling.

Protect your child from this awful man.
Protect yourself.

@billy1966

OP,

You may find @hereyehereaye's post harsh but your posts are absolutely horrifying to read.

I think @hereyehearye is doing you a big service spelling it out like it reads to many of us....

You know this horror 5 minutes and he's been waving so many redflags at you it's a wonder he can carry them.

He is an abusive character that you shouldn't want within a hundred miles of your child.

He would find your child a nuisance as he controls more and more of your life.

Your posts are chilling.
Absolutely chilling.

Protect your child from this awful man.
Protect yourself.

I have to agree 🌺

The post was harsh, but it doesn't seem like you're taking the advice/red flags on board or seriously.

You're blithely talking about being "lumbered with him" as though you have no choice in the matter. You do, and failing to act in your own best interests is foolish and self-destructive. Cock is not that important.

I’d say he sounds incredibly needy and manipulative . Who the fuck has the time or desire to be answering messages within the hour . You’ve only been with him a few months , I’d be calling it a day . You tell him you will never do this or that for him , but people as emotionally manipulative as this reel you in and before you know it , you’re doing all sorts you promised yourself you wouldn’t . I think it’s called the boiling frog analogy ?
He’s used to having things his own way and I wouldn’t want someone like this near my 3 year old, he doesn’t seem to deal well with being told No , as displayed by his sulky behaviour over the last weekend . Nothing you’ve said about him makes him sound anything like a good partner , or the kind of man that would be a positive influence in your DC life .
I hope you are ok and you’re soon feeling much better

But maybe you have a background of abusive/controlling relationships and it seems normal to you to be dominated and subject to a man's control? If that's the case, you really shouldn't be engaging in relationships until you've really worked on your boundaries and expectations.

a lot of the issues we have I think are more to do with major insecurities

There's a big gap between having reasons for doing things, and doing the things being ok. I didn't realise this for ages. Just because my abuser was abused as a child, and so had had all the wrong lessons in life, didn't make it ok to abuse me. Just because someone is raised by drinkers, doesn't mean it's ok to say 'Oh, but it's not his fault, it's all he's ever known...'

Having insecurities doesn't mean it's ok for this guy to treat you this way, or for you to put up with it.

No need to be harsh about it but it's incredibly frustrating to read about how you've sleepwalked into what is developing into an abusive relationship in this passive way, especially when you have a child to think about.

So many things this man has done are red flags for abuse and you have passively let him do it. Open your eyes. And do some work on yourself before you date again. I recommend the freedom programme.

Hopefully your next post OP will be telling us you’ve ended things.

Fully expect him to beg, plead and then eventually turn nasty when you don’t relent (this time).

@WTFrigg

To be honest I know you guys are right, I feeling like I’m starting to lose myself a bit and that I’m getting as much stress out of the relationship than anything else... not what you want after only a few months! But when I bring things up he gets so upset and tells me how much he loves and adores me and I cave 🤦‍♀️ Yes I know how stupid that sounds!

I had a relationship JUST like this!! I tried to break it off SO many times then he’d get very upset and cry and I’d cave- I spent SIX YEARS with him 😱 and in the end (even after I tried to end it NUMEROUS times!) I discovered he’d been cheating on me using hook up sites from Craigslist! I was so angry at myself for not ending it years before when I should have. (However I was SO relieved to have a valid reason to leave the loser!!) if your gut is telling you it’s not working for WHATEVER reason- my advice is to end it now before he worms his way deeper into your life. It’s should be light and breezy and fun at this point- he’s hard work! X

The thing is that I wouldn’t say I’m sleepwalking into anything, I am aware of the issues and though I may write in a certain way it doesn’t mean I don’t take things seriously. And I really don’t like my parenting coming into question, I adore my boy, he is my world and the implication that I would do anything to hurt him in any way is ridiculous.

As for history of abusive relationships - nope. I was with my ex for over a decade and I definitely wore the trousers in that relationship!

But, you will be glad to know that I did infact end it last night (funnily enough before that unnecessarily harsh post). Not to say that I’m not still dealing with the consequences of that with relentless messages.

Well done OP. Definitely the right call.
You can just block him, it might make it easier.