Feel like he thinks it’s my fault I’m I’ll?

[WTFrigg]

Heya, just wanted to get some other perspectives on this because it’s driving me crazy!

So, my boyfriend was supposed to spend the weekend at mine. On Friday night I felt knackered, really run down so I asked for him to come on Saturday instead so I could have an early night and feel better for the weekend - it was half term and I had been dealing with a very bored hyper 3 year old all week so thought I just needed sleep. He begrudgingly agreed.

The next morning I felt worse - headache, fatigue and mild fever. I told him this and said it’s probably best to stay away just incase. That I would keep an eye on my temperature and order a Covid test if needs be, but on the off chance it is that I don’t want to risk him getting it and those he lives with (one of which is vulnerable). This upset him and he seemed a bit off on the phone - the whole “I really wanted to see you” thing.

Since then we’ve been texting/speaking on the phone. I ended up ordering a test that arrived today and will be sending off tomorrow (fingers crossed all clear!) but he keeps going on about how he wanted to see me, that his weekend sucked, that he felt he could of done with a hug (!) and so on. It feels like it’s all about him - never mind the fact I’m feeling rubbish stuck at home with a super bored 3 year old with too much energy that doesn’t understand that mummy needs rest!

I understand that plans had to change and he might be disappointed, I am too, but whenever it comes up it’s almost like he’s blaming me for being ill and has little empathy for my situation. Even when we talk about test results it’s “I hope it’s negative so I can see you” rather than “I hope it’s negative and you feel better and so you and DC aren’t cooped up for weeks” as he knows we both go very stir crazy.

I don’t know, just find it irksome. What do you think?

Again, it’s all about him! The clinginess and already showing jealous feelings towards your ex are another two bad signs. More selfish and self-absorbed bollocks. Is this really what you want relationship wise? Any good points to him?

In honesty he has been a bit of a sulker in the past but I quickly called him out on it - I have no time for sulking, I get enough of that from the 3 year old! I also suspect Pp is right about him just thinking about what he wants - he has made a couple of comments of hoping the test comes back negative because he wants to see me and -insert various intimate scenarios- 🤨

He does have some good points, he can be really sweet and we do get on well in person but at times like this it just wears me down

It's how someone is in the difficult times that matters.

It's easy to get along when everything is going well.

But for a life partner, it's how they are when the chips are down, when you're ill or hurting or not able. You want someone who has your back, not someone who whines how they're not getting service(d).

He won't change. You've got yourself a manchild there. See how we knew it wasn't just a hug he was after? Men who get whiny because they can't have sex are deeply unattractive don't you think?

He's not that sweet if all he can think about is getting his dick wet when you've told him you're ill. Where's the caring for you? The offers of help?

@WTFrigg

In honesty he has been a bit of a sulker in the past but I quickly called him out on it - I have no time for sulking, I get enough of that from the 3 year old! I also suspect Pp is right about him just thinking about what he wants - he has made a couple of comments of hoping the test comes back negative because he wants to see me and -insert various intimate scenarios- 🤨

He does have some good points, he can be really sweet and we do get on well in person but at times like this it just wears me down

Yep you're his vending machine. He'll be sweet when he wants something and sulk when he doesn't get it. Fundamentally it's all about what you provide for him, not about what you need as a person. That's not a relationship I'd want

Bet he still lives at home with mum and dad, you OP and your immune system have just ruined his fun weekend of getting his end away and being fed dinner and treated like a prince.

Don't let him move in with you. Clingy men are so pathetic. You do not have to contact him every day.

The hourly texting is a huge red flag. He is essentially saying you arent allowed your own space. It's similar to love bombing in the way it catches you up in a whirlwind so you dont get time to think.

Please use this time to end it. You have a kid and he clearly isnt right in the head. You cannot have someone like that potentially entering your wee ones life.

Haha banana you made me chuckle there - he seems affronted if I don’t respond pretty much every hour, god knows if I went a day without contact!

What in the hell are you doing with is utter test of a man? Honestly, thubj

Shit. Phone error..

I was going to say...

Honestly, think about the influence this man will have on your child. Get rid of him.

It's how someone is in the difficult times that matters

100% this

You've only been together a few months and in that time he's been sulky, bad mannered, and hasn't cared or offered to help you when you're ill.

And it's usually at this stage of the relationship you're on your best behaviour trying to impress someone.

Imagine what he'll be like once he's relaxed and cares even less about trying hard.

Honestly you're telling a grown adult male to be polite and quit sulking after only a few months together - get rid. You don't need another child to look after!

He doesn't care about you, he only cares about himself.

You seem aware of all his bad qualities, but somehow you sound cheerful and tolerant about it instead of planning to get rid.

If you want to trst things. Tell him you dont want to message every day as it's a bit much. See what happens. I'm guessing either he will throw a strop or he will initially pretend to agree but then start texting you in ways that demand a response every day anyway.

Then you'll know he cant respect boundaries.

I second get rid. A sulky, clingy man will very soon turn ino a controlling sulky clingy man. You've only known him a few months and he's aleady dictating terms.

I had one like this OP. I'd cracked my ribs but felt ok so we went for a drink and had meal booked. In the pub something "popped" and I was in agony, to the point where I said can we eat at mine so I can get changed into comfier clothes and have painkillers and a hot water bottle.

Once there he pushed and pushed for sex he really didn't give a shiny shit that I was in pain, all he wanted was to get his dick wet! I dumped him the next day.

If someone else was writing this about their relationship what would your own response be?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Were any previous relationships abusive in nature?.

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but their nice and nasty cycle is a continuous one. They do not all walk around with abuser written on their forehead and can also be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

You've previously tolerating sulking behaviour from him even though you've supposedly called him out on it. That is also when you should have ended this so called relationship too. He is further testing you now to see how poor your boundaries in relationships are (and they are indeed poor, they certainly need revising). He has further learnt here that your boundaries are not good at all and he has taken full advantage of this.

Men like this one who has come into your life can and do target single mothers because they feel that the woman is so desperate for male company and or a relationship that she would put up with any old shit. Some too also like supposedly "strong" women as they see them as a further challenge to bring down.

What would happen if you did go a day without contacting him?.

What a childish little man.
You can do better OP. You don’t need a clingy man child in your life.

Oh my god sparkle, so sorry you went through that! What a knob!

The funny thing is I am all too aware of these qualities and have been weighing the pros against the cons - the cons are definitely taking the lead at this point. I suppose it can be easier said than done when breaking up (though I have already effectively tried to do so but he managed to sweet talk his way back in - more fool me I suppose!) I know of it were anyone else I would say run.

As for people asking what would happen if I didn’t reply for a day.... I would have A LOT of messages and missed calls I imagine. Don’t know if he would go as far as to show up but at this stage I wouldn’t put it past him.

Yeh op I mean the not able to give you space thing is really an indicator of an controller. I mean it's a pretty huge red flag for an abusive personality. That alone would be enough for me to set off running. But then there all the other issues like the obvious selfishness and entitlement. He is a bad egg op. You would be wise to get yourself out of this.

OP I know you arent feeling well so probably dont want to decide anything right now but this guy sounds AWFUL. And the more you write the worse he sounds - not just self-ce tred and selfish but controlling and manipulative.

Give yourself an early Christmas present (and your dd an even bigger one) and dump his arse.

*a controller

Don't be a passenger in your own life. Take control of it. His clingy/controlling behaviour will escalate, and push your boundaries more and more if he doesn't get his own way.

You're drifting into a controlling relationship. If you've already tried to break it off once, you know it's not right for you. You need to stop him driving everything and get out before it gets worse.