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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Taking so long to get there ...

28 replies

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 11:34

Hello. I'm in a new relationship after a 15 year marriage .. with a very kind, generous and sexually adventurous man . I am not able to post on the sex board so I hope that this is appropriate to post here .
He gets his kicks from my pleasure and is always attentive and giving in every way.
Here is the thing... it takes him ages to ejaculate and sometimes not at all , but is very content and satisfied with that.
We spend hours at times, engaging with each other's bodies and at the beginning of the relationship , he was nervous and had difficulty maintaining an erection.
We discussed that and he was very open about it saying that after a nasty divorce and some other personal catastrophes, he found it affected his erections and libido.
Since then , he has no difficulty in staying hard for sometimes hours at a time and we have great fun!
We discussed porn use. I have no objection to it and while he says he enjoys it , he feels it can be addictive and it can become a habit . While he was single and living alone, I get the impression it was a regular thing for him.
He has come about 8 out of 10 times when we have sex . In all
Positions we tried . But I do wonder why not every time and why does it take so long ? My experience is limited to my exh who Came after 15 mins . Every time.
He is happy not to cum, I am hugely satisfied but I wonder what's going on or is this just his normal. Thanks .

OP posts:
diamondfire · 01/11/2020 11:53

Anyone please?

OP posts:
Sheera1 · 01/11/2020 12:16

Is he drinking when having sex to lower inhibitions as it does have a massive effect on how long it takes and whether he can come?

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 12:17

No he doesn't drink much. Maybe a beer but no it's not alcohol. Thanks for replying.

OP posts:
DoWahDiddy · 01/11/2020 12:17

Is he on antidepressants? Because they have that effect.

Cwenthryth · 01/11/2020 12:18

Some medications taken to help gain & maintain erections can affect orgasm like that. So maybe he’s using something to help. If he says it’s not a problem for him, then just enjoy!

SortingItOut · 01/11/2020 12:19

Is he on any medication?

How old is he?

Some men can only cum when in certain positions or a certain way?

You mention porn, he may have death grip, even if he hasn't used it loads recently it can still affect people.

Or failing all that,maybe he is just very good at controlling himself?

LongWay833 · 01/11/2020 12:23

So every time you have sex it takes hours? Are you feeling frustrated that sometimes you just want a quickie as well as wondering if he finds you desirable enough?

I think though , it's clear from what you say that he obviously enjoys having sex with you. This seems like something entirely separate. The fact he described other issues he has had as psychological when you first got together maybe suggests this is too ... Although it could be physical/ age related. If he is okay about it I take it he's not planning on seeking help?

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 12:26

Thanks. No medications that I'm
Aware of . He can and has finished in each position that we do . He is late forties . If it is the death grip from
Past porn use, is that reversible? I believe that he doesn't watch too much open anymore because he simply has not got the time if for no other reason . But he did say it can become a habit so I have reason to believe that he needed to cut back on use as he does have an addictive personality by his own admission .
It just takes an awful
Lot of time but I really Am Enjoying it. I'm
Just interested as my experiences are limited and I did wonder if this was a thing ? Thanks for replying .

OP posts:
diamondfire · 01/11/2020 12:29

He is ok with it . He will say not to worry about him as he is loving it all and I
Can see that he does but will
Sometimes say that he doesn't think he will finish but is completely
Fine with that !!! . He is totally into it and remains mostly erect for hours . It doesn't upset me or frustrate me as he ensures on many occasions that I am satisfied. He is a selfless lover overall. Thanks

OP posts:
Cwenthryth · 01/11/2020 12:32

If this is a new relationship, then you really don’t know him that well yet, he may well not wish to disclose that he is using any medication to help. If he says it’s not an issue for him and you don’t actually mind, then maybe leave it for now.

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 12:40

Yes this is true.
Over the past few months , he has got turned on faster and stayed erect for longer each time. I hope
It is because he is regaining confidence and trust . When we met first, he could not maintain erection for
More than a few minutes and didn't finish but since then things have only got better , for want of a better word.
I know his last relationship
And subsequent issues left him very down and in a bad place for a while . He was open in saying that his libido was very affected and that he had anxiety for months . I really
Appreciate the replies. They help me make sense of it.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 01/11/2020 13:24

Are you sure he isnt using viagra?
I slept with someone who used it and it went on for hours and he never came...it was rather boring and tedious

Maybe after the first few times he spoke to his GP or got some from a pharmacy

If everyone is enjoying themselves i would not mention it to him and see how it pans out

MademoiselleDeWinter · 01/11/2020 13:26

@SortingItOut

Are you sure he isnt using viagra? I slept with someone who used it and it went on for hours and he never came...it was rather boring and tedious

Maybe after the first few times he spoke to his GP or got some from a pharmacy

If everyone is enjoying themselves i would not mention it to him and see how it pans out

This! ED from porn addiction is growing ever more common, he takes viagra to counteract it and it takes hours to cum and sometimes is not at all possible would be my guess.
Windmillwhirl · 01/11/2020 13:29

Smoking can make it difficult for a man to ejaculate. Does he smoke?

itshappened · 01/11/2020 13:38

Yes I was thinking viagra too. It sounds like he is worried about getting an erection so uses viagra to make sure he does. I just don't think many men could last for hours without it!

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 14:23

I really Hope it isn't tmi because I don't know very
Much about viagra but what happens is , he is up and down for hours , mostly up ands Responds to
Touch immediately at any time of day or night ., does that sound like he takes viagra ? He also smokes and is unfit.

OP posts:
MademoiselleDeWinter · 01/11/2020 14:39

Yes that sounds like viagra.

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 14:42

Ok thanks . How long does a tablet work for ?

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 01/11/2020 14:54

Hours and hours

Usually men take it 30mins before they intend to have sex

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 14:59

Ok thanks . So he could be taking one each day he wakes up then?

OP posts:
LongWay833 · 01/11/2020 15:15

Are you living together?

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 16:42

No we are only Together a few months. See each other a couple
Of times per week. He wakes up ready to go .. excuse the words if tmi .

OP posts:
Cwenthryth · 01/11/2020 16:53

Yeah, I bet he’s taking something for when he sees you. No shame in it.

diamondfire · 01/11/2020 17:04

I'm not bothered. It's amazing but hope
He feels he can tell me in time . I did wonder what was ' normal' though!

OP posts:
Anothernick · 01/11/2020 17:07

Speaking from a mans viewpoint it is a bit odd that he can maintain an erection for a long period and not cum at the end of it. This doesn't sound entirely natural but if you are both happy with things then I don't think there's anything to worry about yet. Though if he is taking viagra that would be a worry - most guys are potent well beyond their 40s so if he needs it at that age it doesn't bode well for his libido in the long term.

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