I’m married, is my relationship with a client unhealthy?

[Helpmeseeinthedark]

Nc for obvious reasons.

I am a mum of a 4 yo DS, married DH 5 yrs ago & together for 10. Were both 31 yo

I am a cleaner to help pay the bills.

Since lockdown one of my clients is always home when I go once a week. Over the past few months I feel like the dynamic between us has changed, but it could all be in my head?

I’m there for 2 hours and we’ll easily just spend half the time or more chatting, then I’ll quickly rush round doing a bad job because I’m out out of time. He doesn’t mind. We both seem to love each other’s company

He’s recently divorced from his wife, he’s 45 yo. During the week between me going we’ll text each other about random stuff, just chatting . I hide this from hubby.

When I’m there he confides in me quite a lot about what’s going on in his life, I get the feeling he doesn’t speak to anybody properly. Just work colleagues remotely. Sometimes it verges on flirting , particularly by text message

The thing is, I fancy the pants off him & I feel SO SO guilty as my hubby is so great around the house, with DS, handles all the bills, cares about me, he’s literally a woman’s dream. Apart from out sex life whixh is almost non existent :( :(

I keep having the same thought over and over, even if I wake in the middle of the night. If my client made a pass at me I don’t know I’d be able to resist. It’s all I think about

Sounds pathetic.

Is it normal as a woman to fantasise over other men? What should I do?

@arya - doesn't matter. Op needs to go and make Herself feel good, enjoy the attention and the flirt, feel good about herself, feel alive be made to feel wanted and sexy.

It’s not too late. You’re on a very slippery slope but you know that - that’s why you hide the texting. You know what you are risking and how badly you’re treating your husband. Before it gets any worse you must step back - tell the client you can no longer work for him and don’t get drawn into long explanations on why, don’t fuel some fantasy of him begging you to stay or declarations of desire. Block him from your phone and concentrate on reconnecting with your husband. You and he need work on making time for sex and start initiating it. If he doesn’t initiate then you should. If it is more than complacency then you’ll need to work it through or leave if you can’t but it needs to be about your relationship alone without the messy confusion of fantasising about cheating.

[quote Itsasecret85]@arya - doesn't matter. Op needs to go and make Herself feel good, enjoy the attention and the flirt, feel good about herself, feel alive be made to feel wanted and sexy.[/quote]
And what about her husband, does she not owe him any loyalty? Would it be ok for him to go off and flirt with and maybe sleep with someone else?

Lack of sex in your marriage is attracting you to this guy .I think there is a communication Gap in your marriage or lets say you feel shy or dont know how to say to your hubby what you want .

Stop the client relationship asap and dont go ever again to him .
Talk to your hubby and its natural to feel attracted to other men .After all you are just 31 :)

“why not take this as a wake up call and really put some effort into your relationship at home?

you've not as t yet been unfaithful, but you're in a situation where you realise there is the possibility to do so.

Its cover, the chap is working from home and possibly lonely, its nice to have someone to talk to when working and things haven't been normal. But it ends there, chat to the chap but then no need to be anything but friendly”

This.

How would you feel if this was your husband doing this to you?

Treat your DH with the respect he deserves - either end your marriage before taking this further- or end the contract with the client and work on your marriage.

I agree- cancel the client. It's too risky.

@Helpmeseeinthedark don't shed tears over what people have said on here, I think you're getting some very harsh replies considering this is Relationships not AIBU! I know what it feels like to build yourself up to write something important, then get ripped to pieces, it's not nice.

If you can try to ignore the tone of these replies there is some good advice in there as well. Maybe try to take the constructive replies, and ignore the ones that are unnecessarily cruel.

FWIW it probably is a good idea to address your issues in the marriage and get rid of the cleaner -sexy maid - shag wanting man. I hope it all works out for you x

@AryaStarkWolf - if he wants to then why not. As long as no one gets hurt/a sexual disease. I guess my opinion is coz I would happily settle for an open marriage

Lovely.

So your there texting this available divorced man in plain sight of your husband. You must look at you hubby and think what a pathetic idiot for trusting me.
No wonder you don,t have sex much, can,t look very manly to you can he?
Your disrepecting him massively, I only hope he's doing the same to you behind your back, he will do when he eventually finds out.

Utter shite behaviour
You know what your doing.

Ive messaged him. Im not going anymore. I feel guilt because I didnt want to send that message but I know its the right thing to do x

Excellent decision, op. Your crush on him is normal, but you have now fully realised that you definitely crossed a line. Get busy working on your relationship with your husband!

@Helpmeseeinthedark

Literally in tears reading your replies

Took me wks to build up the courage to write on here, I spent so much time focusing on how to write it up I didn’t even think about how id feel if people (rightly) called me out for being a bitch

I can’t believe ive let it get this far , ive seriously let my husband down

We have sex maybe once or twice a month, I really don’t know why it’s so infrequent. Neither of us really initiate it i guess

Dont you dare cry over nasty bitchy women who have clearly never made a mistake. This site really is fucking horrible at times. I can guarantee half of them wouldnt dare talk like this to anybody to their face so they get their kicks by hiding behind a screen and doing it. They are the ones that need to grow up not you.

You don't need to feel guilty, OP, you've stopped it before anything went wrong. You've done exactly the right thing.

It's perfectly normal to find people other than your spouse attractive. Don't beat yourself up. You are a faithful spouse.

@MonicaBelulaGellar you don't sound nasty or bitchy at all, maybe you could show the rest of us how to be as perfectly lovely as you ?

@MonicaBelulaGellar I’d suggest that many women are speaking from first hand experience, and that rather than ‘getting kicks’ they are rather suggesting the OP don’t make the same mistake as they did - or that was done to them.

@Helpmeseeinthedark messaging to cut him off was very brave, and the right thing to do. May others find the same courage as you and work ok their marriages.

Op you did the right thing for your dh and dc. This was only going to end in tears and rip your family apart.

It is okay to like the attention and feel special, it is natural to want to feel attractive and wanted, but honestly it is better for you it stops there. You don't want your heart broken, your dc and dh being devastated with an affair.

I firmly believe that no decent marriages and relationships can ever be built on deceit anyway. They are always permanently stained by dishonestly and treachery. Even if there was a future, you would have to be single for it to really work op, and you are long way from that.

PS your sex life sounds quite normal for busy parents btw, if you want more excitement then plan something fun for dh this weekend.

It’s ok to have a bit of a crush develop while married, but you have to stop it there. If you have to hide aspects of your friendship from your husband, then you are getting into emotional affair territory. I know, I’ve had one. If you want to make your marriage work, you need to stop this now.

Think you need to decide whether your marriage is more important than your job. This man could be playing with you, which isn’t fair. Think if I was in your shoes I’d find someone else to clean for

OP , you are not a bitch. You are a normal human being behaving completely normally for someone in your situation. Mumsnet is not a place to come for balance or understanding on this issue.

Please don't feel bad.

@MonClareDevole so please tell me how that excuses them to talk to the OP the way they are? Making someone cry because they cant help but be bitchy. No excuse.

[quote unmarkedbythat]@MonicaBelulaGellar you don't sound nasty or bitchy at all, maybe you could show the rest of us how to be as perfectly lovely as you ?[/quote]
Oh please tell me how I'm being bitchy? Because you LOVELY lot have made yet another poster feel like shit? Theres always got to be one

Rubbish- Yes there are many threads where the OW is blamed, but the DH will be getting worse ( and so he should). I would love you to point to a thread where the OW was the villian and the cheating DH was the victim or not blamed at all

No, I have read a lot of threads where the OW is blatantly called a whore etc. When people point out the DH did the actual cheating, the reply is ' oh he's an arse that goes without saying', but why does his arsiness go without saying, but not the OW's? Women literally come on and say men couldn't cheat if women wouldn't sleep with them. One poster recently even said men are ruled by their dicks so women have to keep other women's husbands faithful by not sleeping with them.

Yes, if the OP starts the thread by slagging the husband he will get a slating, but if she starts it by slating the OW the sexism is appalling. Only one person is responsible for an individual's faithfulness, and that is the individual themselves. No-one forces a man to stick his dick in another woman. He chooses that freely. Calling another women a whore who 'caused' a man to cheat is blatant sexism and implicitly relieving the man of full responsibility by transferring it to the woman. I've never on any thread seen a man abused with sexualised language for cheating in the way that women are.

The op is clearly quite a bit younger than the divorced male she is working for yet she has had the insight and concience to ask mumsnet for advice.

The comments are harsh sounding but going on her information she has a husband and marriage that she clearly understands is good.

Why waste that relationship on a man whose got nothing to loose ?
Sometimes younger ladies get wrapped up in the romanticism of something when in fact they are being manipulated.

Manipulated by a man who has probably ruined his own marriage and doesn't give a crap about ruining hers.

Someone said she's made a mistake.... no, a mistake is putting the wrong coloured bin out on collection day.

Just saying bluntness can be effective, if it means keeping her from making a huge mistake.

Your husband sounds like a keeper.
The divorced guy sounds like a user, don't be used.

duh

This