I’m married, is my relationship with a client unhealthy?

[Helpmeseeinthedark]

Nc for obvious reasons.

I am a mum of a 4 yo DS, married DH 5 yrs ago & together for 10. Were both 31 yo

I am a cleaner to help pay the bills.

Since lockdown one of my clients is always home when I go once a week. Over the past few months I feel like the dynamic between us has changed, but it could all be in my head?

I’m there for 2 hours and we’ll easily just spend half the time or more chatting, then I’ll quickly rush round doing a bad job because I’m out out of time. He doesn’t mind. We both seem to love each other’s company

He’s recently divorced from his wife, he’s 45 yo. During the week between me going we’ll text each other about random stuff, just chatting . I hide this from hubby.

When I’m there he confides in me quite a lot about what’s going on in his life, I get the feeling he doesn’t speak to anybody properly. Just work colleagues remotely. Sometimes it verges on flirting , particularly by text message

The thing is, I fancy the pants off him & I feel SO SO guilty as my hubby is so great around the house, with DS, handles all the bills, cares about me, he’s literally a woman’s dream. Apart from out sex life whixh is almost non existent :( :(

I keep having the same thought over and over, even if I wake in the middle of the night. If my client made a pass at me I don’t know I’d be able to resist. It’s all I think about

Sounds pathetic.

Is it normal as a woman to fantasise over other men? What should I do?

Holier than thou brigade are out without any actual advice, well done you perfect lot.

OP, why is your marriage sexless? Do you still love and fancy your DH?

Your client is not a nice man. He’s enjoying getting you to flirt when you’re with your husband. Makes him feel powerful.

Next time he texts you ask yourself ‘Would I rather reply to this message and see my DS 50% of the time (including only half his Christmases and birthdays) or not reply and keep my family?’

Because that’s the choice you’re making.

OP what has happened that you don’t have sex aged 31.

What attracts you to a 45yo divorcee who can’t be arsed cleaning?

If you want to save your marriage, I'd work on this our sex life whixh is almost non existent

Why is that?

This is an emotional affair.
You need to cancel this "job", stop contacting the guy and block him to remove temptation.
Then work on your marriage and sex life.

You said your sex life is non existent there’s your explanation. This happens when there’s no passion in the marriage for a man or a woman it’s natural not saying it’s right but it happens. We are sexual beings after all. Try and find what’s gone wrong in you marriage and work out what you want from there I think you are already having an emotional affair it probs won’t be long till it’s a physical one by the sounds of it

@Josuk

Equally for your H it shouldn’t be a surprise that you aren’t dead inside and have sexual feelings and fantasies. If that doesn’t have an outlet at home it has to go somewhere. You are only 31. It unlikely you can live without sex for the remainder of your life.
Have you two tried to address the lack of physical connection between the two of you?
A 31yo male with no sex drive isn’t much of anyone’s dream. Maybe as a platonic friend.

You are making the assumption that it is the OP's DH that is the cause of the sexlessness.
That is not specified, and it could be the OP herself who has pushed him away.
Also having a young child and both working may also be the cause too.

@Helpmeseeinthedark
My SIL had an affair that began this way.
Mercifully there were no DC , she loved the attention..
She and Bro divorced, the new man was extremely different to how he first appeared..

Eg controlling and unpleasant.

She bitterly regretted it.
This man probably would be horrified that you are considering cuckolding your husband, and probably won’t want to take your kids on, either.

Recently divorced men are very vulnerable.. he may want a quick shag, but not you and all your baggage when your marriage implodes.

Your client is not a nice man. He’s enjoying getting you to flirt when you’re with your husband.

Typical MN double standards. Even when the man isn't married it's his fault.

I think it is fine, carry on and enjoy it!

Said no one ever i hope

@Summerfreeze makes an excellent point

Drop him as a client.

Talk to your husband. Try and work on your marriage together. Think together and separately about what is wrong. Why is your sex life almost non existent?

I am sympathetic to someone in an unhappy marriage who feels neglected and unloved and unwanted, I can see why affairs happen- but that doesn't make it OK, op, and you know this.

The old cliche, fucking the help.

OP i think some people here are being very hard on you..if you’ve never been in this position before you might genuinely believe and convince yourself that you can handle this, continue with the work, it’s just banter/friendship etc but this sounds very much like early stages of an affair..boundaries have been crossed and there is a high probability you will end up being used by this man..walk away and go NC whilst you can..x

I would start addressing the issues with your marriage op and intimacy. I imagine you are tempted because you are desperate to have some sexual attention, and no one can blame you for feeling this if a handsome man is showing you he is interested.

If he is truly someone you want to be with, I am guessing he would respect you a lot more if you ended your marriage first.
Tell your dh you are unhappy that at 31 you need more than this! You deserve more than this op. So be honest about its shortcomings and see if this can be fixed.

I would also be very careful he might be keen to flirt, but less keen on actual relationship with you.

Cancel the client and work on the sex life issue with your DH. Don 't be an asshole

Don’t ever go back again and block him on your phone immediately.

He's lonely and wants someone to have sex with

I also think it is disrespectful of your client surely he is just using you and abusing his position in the process?

He knows you are married, it is poor form.

Your client is not a nice man. He’s enjoying getting you to flirt when you’re with your husband.

Typical MN double standards. Even when the man isn't married it's his fault.

I’m not saying that. She’s married and he isn’t. She has to make the moral choices not him.

What I’m saying is that in her little fantasy she’s built him up to be this great guy and he’s clearly not. He’s texting his married cleaner. He’s a creep.

This man probably would be horrified that you are considering cuckolding your husband, and probably won’t want to take your kids on, either... he may want a quick shag, but not you and all your baggage when your marriage implodes.

Good reality check right here, OP.

Where is this going to go?

A weekly shag when you're supposed to be cleaning? Will he continue to pay you? If he stops paying you, will your husband notice? If he continues paying you, how would you feel about getting paid to "not clean"?

It's a dangerous slope and you need to get a hold of it. If you're unhappy in your marriage you need to sort it out or leave. Betraying your husband and son is not the answer.

Don't be a dick OP. If you have issues in your marriage that you're not willing to work on then divorce your DH and let him get on with his life.

After you are no longer married, feel free to flirt with whoever you want.

You should stop cleaning for this client and block his number in case he tries to contact you.

I’m sure he just wants a shag (and then he would get a new cleaner). It’s better to work on your life with your husband than to get into this mess. Fantasy is always better than reality and the reality of this could ruin your life.

Typical MN double standards. Even when the man isn't married it's his fault

Are you shitting me? Have you any idea how many threads there are when a husband has cheated and the OW is slated as dirty whore and people even come on to say that women need to police men's fidelity by not shagging married guys. In this case the cheating married man goes without mention whilst all the blame is placed on the OW.