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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m married, is my relationship with a client unhealthy?

123 replies

Helpmeseeinthedark · 30/10/2020 14:10

Nc for obvious reasons.

I am a mum of a 4 yo DS, married DH 5 yrs ago & together for 10. Were both 31 yo

I am a cleaner to help pay the bills.

Since lockdown one of my clients is always home when I go once a week. Over the past few months I feel like the dynamic between us has changed, but it could all be in my head?

I’m there for 2 hours and we’ll easily just spend half the time or more chatting, then I’ll quickly rush round doing a bad job because I’m out out of time. He doesn’t mind. We both seem to love each other’s company

He’s recently divorced from his wife, he’s 45 yo. During the week between me going we’ll text each other about random stuff, just chatting . I hide this from hubby.

When I’m there he confides in me quite a lot about what’s going on in his life, I get the feeling he doesn’t speak to anybody properly. Just work colleagues remotely. Sometimes it verges on flirting , particularly by text message

The thing is, I fancy the pants off him & I feel SO SO guilty as my hubby is so great around the house, with DS, handles all the bills, cares about me, he’s literally a woman’s dream. Apart from out sex life whixh is almost non existent :( :(

I keep having the same thought over and over, even if I wake in the middle of the night. If my client made a pass at me I don’t know I’d be able to resist. It’s all I think about

Sounds pathetic.

Is it normal as a woman to fantasise over other men? What should I do?

OP posts:

Keepthefaith70 · 30/10/2020 15:54

OP you're playing with fire. Don't get burnt. You have the opportunity to stop this and focus on your marriage. Think how devastated your husband would be. He doesn't sound like a bad man. Whilst you're in control, don't let it get to the stage where you can't turn back.

MrsMarrio · 30/10/2020 15:55

You are treading on thin ice by hiding things from your husband.

Cancel the client

Block his number have no further contact

Focus on your family

Show your hubby some love because the way describe him as being so wonderful I'm sure other women would see this too.

occa · 30/10/2020 15:58

@blindinglyobviouslight

Typical MN double standards. Even when the man isn't married it's his fault

Are you shitting me? Have you any idea how many threads there are when a husband has cheated and the OW is slated as dirty whore and people even come on to say that women need to police men's fidelity by not shagging married guys. In this case the cheating married man goes without mention whilst all the blame is placed on the OW.

So much this!

blindinglyobviouslight · 30/10/2020 15:58

OP, it is perfectly normally to fantasise about other men and to enjoy someone being interested.

Firstly, if you have almost no sex life you need to consider a number of things. Can this be improved? Does your husband want to or is able to work on this?

Secondly, how important is sex to you? Can you be happy living a sexless life? That's a big ask for a lot of people. Its what drives some people to seek out affairs, not just for the sex but also the intimacy that comes with having sex with someone.

Thirdly - how do you feel about husband - do you love him - do you enjoy his company? You talked about how great he is to you - but not about how you felt about him.

Fourthly, if your marriage were to end, say if you had an affair, how would you manage practically? (Do not rely on the OM to take on you and the kids - you have to know you can manage alone).

PJFlasks · 30/10/2020 16:01

The fact you hide the texts says it all. You need to cancel this client and work on your marriage.

Seadad · 30/10/2020 16:03

Clearly the issue is that you’re fantasising and keeping the relationship a secret- and that is because you are unfulfilled in your marriage.
So the question is - what’s going wrong that is leaving you vulnerable and craving the attention of others? Because it’s likely this will keep happening OP. Right now you have a chance to try and fix it. If you don’t then as others have said - you’re on thin ice.

There are many posters on MN who have been there and would dearly love to go back in time to where you are now, and make the better choice. So think about it.

Mrsmadevans · 30/10/2020 16:05

You know what is going to happen OP . Only you know what you want to do.

blindinglyobviouslight · 30/10/2020 16:06

He doesn't sound like a bad man

This is not enough of a reason to stay together. You should actively want to go through life with him.

work on your marriage
You can't do this alone. Your husband would have to want to as well.
And you would have to think it is a marriage worth working on for YOUR SAKE. Not just because you feel obliged to out of kindness because he is 'not a bad man.'

This seems to me a prompt for you to really think and re-evaluate your life and what you want.

I would say you are very, very young to give up on a sex life. And your husband is very, very young to have stopped having sex with you.

Eckhart · 30/10/2020 16:06

The thing is, I fancy the pants off him & I feel SO SO guilty as my hubby is so great around the house, with DS, handles all the bills, cares about me, he’s literally a woman’s dream

If he was your dream, you wouldn't be dreaming about another man.

You have 2 issues, not 1:

You are not satisfied in your marriage

and

You fancy a bloke that isn't your husband

Deal with the important 1 before worrying about/acting on a crush you've got on some bloke you clean for.

JinglingHellsBells · 30/10/2020 16:09

You are still very young. You met your DH when you were 21 or younger. Maybe you didn't do much dating beforehand and you are now seeing greener grass. But it is a fantasy.

If your sex life has dwindled at 31 you need to ask why and if it can be started up again.

Is it you or your DH who doesn't initiate it?

This client is doing a bit of harmless flirting- no skin off his nose whatever happens with you. Even if you have sex with him he could dump you the next day and get another cleaner.

His behaviour is inappropriate but so is yours and you need to create boundaries if you want to carry on cleaning for him.

In other words, do the cleaning and not the chatting.
Stop texting him or replying to his.
Keep it all above board.

I suspect if you do all of the above he may sack you anyway and find another playmate. Sorry- I mean cleaner.

EmilySpinach · 30/10/2020 16:14

4/10. Good luck with your novel.

SunshineCake · 30/10/2020 16:14

What you should do is cancel the client, tell your husband you aren't happy in this marriage and grow up .

Itsasecret85 · 30/10/2020 16:15

You've no morals, your poor DH. Bollocks to anyone who says that.
Its exciting, the attention makes you feel alive, wanted and damn Good about yourself. Your DH isn't interested sexually so why not find someone who is. I always say to my H (silently in my head!) That There are loads out there who do want sex with me and who do find me attractive.
The only word of caution from me would be to ask yourself is your DH/life worth throwing away for this guy if it goes tits up and what could you be set to lose if DH found out - marriage/home/life as you know it and any perks/job (you could have to take a different job for childcare if you separate).
Good luck op

Original poster

Helpmeseeinthedark · 30/10/2020 16:16

Literally in tears reading your replies

Took me wks to build up the courage to write on here, I spent so much time focusing on how to write it up I didn’t even think about how id feel if people (rightly) called me out for being a bitch

I can’t believe ive let it get this far , ive seriously let my husband down

We have sex maybe once or twice a month, I really don’t know why it’s so infrequent. Neither of us really initiate it i guess

OP posts:

Itsasecret85 · 30/10/2020 16:17

Such bitchiness on this thread - MEOW

Ihaveyourback · 30/10/2020 16:18

I have a feeling you will carry on op. I think you may feel this is too good to walk away from, and he may end up being the love of your life - or he may just use you and you will end up with nothing.

If you no longer love your dh, then what the hell, but at very least you should tell him you want out.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2020 16:18

@Summerfreeze
Typical MN double standards. Even when the man isn't married it's his fault.
I’m not saying that. She’s married and he isn’t. She has to make the moral choices not him.
What I’m saying is that in her little fantasy she’s built him up to be this great guy and he’s clearly not. He’s texting his married cleaner. He’s a creep.

This is the biggest load of bol.....double standards I have read today.
He is on his own and wfh. She may be the only person he interacts on a weekly basis. He obviously sees some chemistry between them and she has helped him to have this view. He may be sad and lonely but a not nice guy and a creep is some plain misandry.
I see you have also made no comments about the OP who is actively having an EA and is looking to do more.
I have no doubt that if a lovely vulnerable woman was in this situation with a married man, you would be tearing a strip of him (and rightly so) and your idea of who was the creep would totally change.

Ihaveyourback · 30/10/2020 16:19

Just seen your update.

You haven't let your dh down YET
You can row back from this by serving notice on the job and blocking the client on your phone etc once it has ended.

You haven't actually done anything so don't cry, it is just as well you posted hey?

AryaStarkWolf · 30/10/2020 16:19

@Itsasecret85

You've no morals, your poor DH. Bollocks to anyone who says that. Its exciting, the attention makes you feel alive, wanted and damn Good about yourself. Your DH isn't interested sexually so why not find someone who is. I always say to my H (silently in my head!) That There are loads out there who do want sex with me and who do find me attractive. The only word of caution from me would be to ask yourself is your DH/life worth throwing away for this guy if it goes tits up and what could you be set to lose if DH found out - marriage/home/life as you know it and any perks/job (you could have to take a different job for childcare if you separate). Good luck op

You just assumed that the lack of sex was her DHs fault and she's just clarified that it's both their faults.

ivykaty44 · 30/10/2020 16:20

I hide this from hubby........if your keeping secrets you know its wrong

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/10/2020 16:22

@blindinglyobviouslight

Rubbish- Yes there are many threads where the OW is blamed, but the DH will be getting worse ( and so he should). I would love you to point to a thread where the OW was the villian and the cheating DH was the victim or not blamed at all.
Have a look at Summerfreezes post and see what she says about the person who is actually having the affair!

BlueJava · 30/10/2020 16:22

You know it's wrong and you know you're on a slippery slope because you are hiding it. I'd recommend you cancel the client, but if you can't afford to do that right now you must stop the chat and be determined to go in and literally clean for 2 hours - not chat. Just think that this could lose your relationship and your DH would also be devastated.

Summerfreeze · 30/10/2020 16:23

This is the biggest load of bol.....double standards I have read today.
He is on his own and wfh. She may be the only person he interacts on a weekly basis. He obviously sees some chemistry between them and she has helped him to have this view. He may be sad and lonely but a not nice guy and a creep is some plain misandry.
I see you have also made no comments about the OP who is actively having an EA and is looking to do more.
I have no doubt that if a lovely vulnerable woman was in this situation with a married man, you would be tearing a strip of him (and rightly so) and your idea of who was the creep would totally change.

Get a grip. A man who actively flirts with a younger, married employee is a creep.

And I did comment on the OP’s behaviour. Twice. I pointed out that she’s likely to lose her family if she continues and that she’d be prioritising texting someone who isn’t even nice over her own child. That’s pretty clear in my eyes.

Sorry you felt the need to wade in and support the poor little lonely older man who is trying to shag his married younger servant.

ivykaty44 · 30/10/2020 16:24

why not take this as a wake up call and really put some effort into your relationship at home?

you've not as t yet been unfaithful, but you're in a situation where you realise there is the possibility to do so.

Its cover, the chap is working from home and possibly lonely, its nice to have someone to talk to when working and things haven't been normal. But it ends there, chat to the chap but then no need to be anything but friendly

Nailgirl · 30/10/2020 16:24

Cancel the client. You are already cheating. Block and delete the texts -give your husband the flirting he needs.

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