Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

Don't apologise, this is your life and only you can walk in your shoes! Sounds like you are doing amazingly in weighing things up under immense pressure. I would only say that that it wouldn't be right if everything carries on as normal except with you feeling sad, diminished and hurt. You deserve much better than that.

Your right op. Weigh it all up.

You need a conversation with your husband.

I wouldn't be able or hold it in and keep things normal but that's me not you.

You have to do what is right for you.

You cannot 'out' her on here anyway. Daily Fail etc will be all over it.

@Pollydaydream I think you are right in your approach and to take things slowly. If I were in your position I would tell him outright with no game playing that you know he talks to her all day and watches tv shows with her. That it’s unacceptable to you that he talks to another woman all day everyday, that he never mentioned her at all and also that he lied to you about the extent to which they talk when you asked.

For your marriage and young kids sake he needs to stop talking to her and focus on making up to you about this breach of trust. Thats what I would need from my DH in this situation. I wouldn’t throw away my marriage but I would make it clear that he needs to recommit to me and to do it now and at the expense of his friendship with this woman.

I do feel he will play you off with the friendship card and accuse you of overreacting. I hope not though.

If he won’t do this or refuses to then you can think further.

Unfortunately my DB is in a long distance relationship that is very like your DH with this woman. They chat all day by text and they plan and watch the same shows on Netflix. This is the bulk of their relationship due to lockdown.

I would also consider asking him to get rid of or deactivate his social media presence as a sign of respect to you. He can’t continue liking all her photos and sending hot emojis etc

I would ask your DH to read the Shirley Glass book and then ask him for a way forward with your relationship.

Hopefully he will know that you know and you can both decide before it goes further than it already has.

Hi OP, good luck with whatever you decide but at the moment it's all very arms length and nothing concrete. Maybe just monitor the situation as it's possible it just nothing really and may even fizzle out when she gets another boyfriend. I'm sure everyone's marriages are tested at times and you're not the only one to experience this type of situation (the famous bit is not the main issue really, it could be anyone).

Candace Brown is not a celeb!

[quote Whitecottoncandy]@Pollydaydream I think you are right in your approach and to take things slowly. If I were in your position I would tell him outright with no game playing that you know he talks to her all day and watches tv shows with her. That it’s unacceptable to you that he talks to another woman all day everyday, that he never mentioned her at all and also that he lied to you about the extent to which they talk when you asked.

For your marriage and young kids sake he needs to stop talking to her and focus on making up to you about this breach of trust. Thats what I would need from my DH in this situation. I wouldn’t throw away my marriage but I would make it clear that he needs to recommit to me and to do it now and at the expense of his friendship with this woman.

I do feel he will play you off with the friendship card and accuse you of overreacting. I hope not though.

If he won’t do this or refuses to then you can think further.

Unfortunately my DB is in a long distance relationship that is very like your DH with this woman. They chat all day by text and they plan and watch the same shows on Netflix. This is the bulk of their relationship due to lockdown.[/quote]

I agree with this completely.

Whilst my advice was to be direct and speak with him upfront I genuinely didn't mean to egg you on whilst getting my popcorn out. I meant you don't need to feel guilty about snooping, his behaviour warrants a direct challenge and some explanation on his part. But, I also get the fact you have work commitments (I'm a nurse too) and need some time to process what exactly you are seeing.

This is just such an odd scenario. I know on the face of it he has lied straight up about their contact, but, giving him the benefit of the doubt, this might actually be how he sees it?? In his mind it errs on the more platonic side, they only casually chit chat, he's known her forever ..... what's the harm? He's minimised it down.

The thrill he may get from their conversation is not from the discussion of anything glam but the fact he had private access to a "celeb". That sort of buzz can be addictive. As I said previously his reaction will speak volumes.

I echo whitecottoncandy, you are well within your rights to say he needs to cut contact. He's crossed a line by keeping this secret for all this time and investing too much into that relationship. It doesn't need to be marriage ending, make or break time, just some open, frank discussion where you relay how it's made you feel and how you want to move on.

Gosh, I waffled on a bit there. Didn't realise how much I'd written as I was feeding my baby at the same time. Multi tasking is not my strong point!

OP you are handling this with such dignity it is admirable! Keep going.

Whatever you decide, you've got as long as you need to absorb it, then consider what effects it's outwardly having on your DH's behaviour. Consider with hindsight if he's been less present than he could of been the last year or so, how has it impacted on you and your DC's. It will be hard not to analyse his behaviour from now on.
It can't help but affect your behaviour towards him, now you know. It's a sad thing if he doesn't notice you've been affected by something in time. It would show he's too destracted by her to notice you.

@Opentooffers

Whatever you decide, you've got as long as you need to absorb it, then consider what effects it's outwardly having on your DH's behaviour. Consider with hindsight if he's been less present than he could of been the last year or so, how has it impacted on you and your DC's. It will be hard not to analyse his behaviour from now on. It can't help but affect your behaviour towards him, now you know. It's a sad thing if he doesn't notice you've been affected by something in time. It would show he's too destracted by her to notice you.

Absolutely this.

It is human nature to be distracted by something and miss that which is important and right before our eyes. Sometimes we need someone else to point this out to us. Unfortunately it is usually down to the spouse to point out to their partner that they have slipped off the rails. It's a double-whammy because the spouse who is suffering has to cope with their own emotional distress as well as take the reins in sorting out the relationship issues caused by the dimwit partner.

It is absolutely ok to be distracted away from one's spouse from time to time due to time spent apart with friends and family. The situation you are describing does not fit into this model at all. It is emotional neglect simply because he is diverting his emotional support away from you onto her.

You sound incredibly compassionate and strong, OP.

1000% this is your life and only you know what your boundaries are. When you're ready you need to decide what you want and how you want it. Take care.

I told my DH about this last night & he said maybe your DH is just lonely in the evenings when your at work which is fair point but it still doesn't explain the secrecy.

You seem like such a lovely person OP & your DH is lucky to have you & he needs reminding of this. I'll be thinking of you this weekend 💐

@walksonthebeach that is no excuse though. I highly doubt if you told your DH that you talk all the time to another man he would say oh sure it’s fine you’re just a bit lonely.

Or would he think it’s a fair point that you can have a secret relationship with another man?

@walksonthebeach

I told my DH about this last night & he said maybe your DH is just lonely in the evenings when your at work which is fair point but it still doesn't explain the secrecy.

You seem like such a lovely person OP & your DH is lucky to have you & he needs reminding of this. I'll be thinking of you this weekend 💐

Adults should talk about being lonely etc with someone they are in a committed relationship with!

[quote Whitecottoncandy]@walksonthebeach that is no excuse though. I highly doubt if you told your DH that you talk all the time to another man he would say oh sure it’s fine you’re just a bit lonely.[/quote]
I know it's not an excuse but maybe it's the reason that this is happening. I'm not defending him at all. I'm just giving my DH's opinion on it!

"Adults should talk about being lonely etc with someone they are in a committed relationship with!*"
*
Yes they absolutely should!

I'm sure ever wank this man has features his friend... he fancies her.

Does anyone know a man that will chit chat with a woman daily on line just because?? Even my touchy feely close male friends don't do this with anyone other than who they fancy. We chat on line but never daily for than a few days on the trot.

Thanks everyone for your insight. Yes, I'm still taking in and weighing up options. Despite me mentioning her the other morning, he carried on messaging her as usual. Only friendly content again, I honestly don't think he believes he's doing anything wrong.

Something will be done, but I need to do it my way and in my own time.

He may not even be aware of if he feels anything or only just analysing it now you have mentioned her and his own reaction.

@Pollydaydream

Thanks everyone for your insight. Yes, I'm still taking in and weighing up options. Despite me mentioning her the other morning, he carried on messaging her as usual. Only friendly content again, I honestly don't think he believes he's doing anything wrong.

Something will be done, but I need to do it my way and in my own time.

No. I get this feeling too. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I think for lots of men (or people, maybe), nothing is wrong until sex happens.

But this is an exclusive friendship (in that it excludes you) and is a secret. That is wrong.

He will probably try to argue the toss about being allowed to have female friends - and of course he is - but this is different.

This may need explaining in a way that hammers it home.

And expect a defensive response because he knows on some level that he's crossing a line, but has probably gone to considerable effort not to go too far so that a) she doesn't get scared off and b) he can convince himself that he's done nothing wrong and has nothing to feel guilty about. You telling him that it's gone too far and is a form of betrayal may not go down too well, because it will touch a nerve.

It's a tricky one to handle. I wish you luck.

If he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong, he wouldn’t have liked and said ‘now and then’ as if it was rarely, I feel for
You and I think your doing the right thing for you by taking your time. Your some woman OP xx