Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

I'm guessing Adele, no children recent marriage split.

Either way I wouldn't be happy regardless of the distance. I'd be tempted to message her saying you notice she knows your husband and you're also a big fan....see how she replies, might scare her off

@Rainydayss

I'm guessing Adele, no children recent marriage split.

Either way I wouldn't be happy regardless of the distance. I'd be tempted to message her saying you notice she knows your husband and you're also a big fan....see how she replies, might scare her off

Adele has a son

Does Adele have a book ?

Adele doesn’t live where she grew up either.

It doesn’t matter who it is. It just makes it weirder that it’s someone well known and he hasn’t mentioned her.

They are messaging like besties... completely downplaying and lying!!

I would be sending her a FB message - my DH has just told me you went to school together and are still in touch! Would love to be added to your friends list...

Will be interested to see if she adds you/anything said between them.

@Rainydayss

I'm guessing Adele, no children recent marriage split.

Either way I wouldn't be happy regardless of the distance. I'd be tempted to message her saying you notice she knows your husband and you're also a big fan....see how she replies, might scare her off

Adele has a son, lives in the States and doesn't have a book

@RandomMess

They are messaging like besties... completely downplaying and lying!!

I would be sending her a FB message - my DH has just told me you went to school together and are still in touch! Would love to be added to your friends list...

Will be interested to see if she adds you/anything said between them.

That would be weird...

I feel like the only course of action now (for your own sanity as well as to get any kind of resolution or answer) is to declare your hand. He has now lied about the importance of the relationship "we talk now and then" (although I can't imagine he would have come straight out and said "oh her, yeah we talk every day...") which takes away another bit of trust.
Difficult as it is, at this point I think I'd want to sit down with him and say what you said here at the beginning - about the Instagram notification pinging in and you looking out of curiosity and then digging further out of concern. It's not great to have to admit to reading someone's private messages, but you don't sound like someone who goes around doing such things ordinarily and your husband will know that (presumably that's at least partly why he's felt able to get away with all this for so long).
I would make sure you screenshot everything you can first though, if you haven't already - I'm sure he'll be deleting it once it's out in the open.
Even if nothing has happened between them, as others have said this reads as an emotional affair with a possible sounding-out between them to lay the ground for something more to happen too. Talking to a friend of the opposite sex every day for a long period of time and not once mentioning them to your spouse isn't normal or reasonable, even if he tries to argue that it is. I think it's the combination of secrecy and quantity that's especially worrying - one or the other perhaps possibly could be ok, but the two together rings alarm bells. I really hope you manage to speak your concerns to him and have a conversation because this kind of stuff can eat you up inside. You shouldn't have to sink to someone elses level of secrecy. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

If everyone reads OPs first post you can work out a rough age! Mid 30s unless the OP and her DH got together at a very young age!

Polly, it is not surprising that he is still lying.

He is hooked on their relationship and his priority is protecting it. He was never going to come clean with the truth when lightly quizzed...that they are speaking everyday and sharing everything...that they have emotional intimacy plus sexual frisson.

He is betraying you and needs to face the music. Yesterday you were feeling very angry. Do you still plan to confront him with what you know?

Oooh I would suggest that you suggest DH invite her over for a meal................................

@Audreyseyebrows

Tell him that he’s mentioned in the book

This tickled me

I'm guessing Candice Brown Bake off?!
I don't know why you didn't address it during your conversation I simply couldn't have not said anything?

@Kittykat93 because she's shell-shocked by the whole thing? Because she doesn't know whether or not she can face exploding the marriage that she had thought was sound? Because she couldn't find the right words in the moment? Because she hates confrontation? Because she doesn't know whether she's being reasonable to feel upset and is doubting herself? Because she's scared of what he might say?
Everyone is different and reacts differently in situations. We're not all great at conflict. It feels a bit harsh on her to doubt the whole thing based on the fact she didn't react as you would have done.

Regardless of what their relationship has developed into at the moment its secondry to the bigger picture.

It takes a special kind of person that can hold on to a secret for nearly twenty years to be used or not used for his advantage. And make no mistake this is what he has purposely done.

What else does he lie about ? believe me this won't be the only one.

I had this happen and it didn't end well.

Apart from processing at the beggining whether or not there was a relationship, it was the deception, who is this man?

All memories shattered.
What was real or not real ?
Pathalogical liar.

Up to that point I,d never though him capable but from then on my eyes were opened, believe me it was the tip of the iceburg.
And thats why I,m concerned for you.

The trust is shattered and he knows part of his mask has been peeled away, this will make him angry that you think less of him and you have the power to portray him in a bad light.

He's not thinking about your feelings about being excluded only preserving his outward image.

These types of men can change into very scary people.

I hope this is not your case but beware, I thought my partner was my rock and protector he turned out to be my greatest enemy.

In the end nothing surprised me about this man, every word he uttered meant nothing.

He was a Charlatan.

Act star struck. Ask to see the messages. Say you wonder what she's like. Can't wait to see what she chats about.

But put him on the spot.

Well said @Dappled

You have such self control. I'd have messaged her and asked what the F was going on by now!

@MadeForThis love this idea!

I'm sure if I was in the situation, I wouldn't be able to hold it in and would be questioning him straight away but from the outside perspective I would want to keep a watch over what's going on and see how it progresses to see if he would actually take it further 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know that's pretty weird but I would want to know that he wouldn't cheat off his own back rather than me putting a stop to it.

This is so bizarre, I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it OP.

I understand what everyone is saying about kicking off and I know everyone is keen to know who she is. But this is my life and I came here for some perspective because, to be perfectly frank, I don't want to make my husband look like a complete villain to my friends and family if I'm being over the top.

I know some of you would like me to report back with an explosive post about packing his things and selling the story,but we have young children. Imagine making a rash decision like that and then cooling off and realising you've overreacted? I don't work that way. I take my time, however long I need, to make a decision. Then I stick to it. After weighing everything up, if I decide to go, then I'll be gone and there'll be no going back. That's just how I am, I don't rush into the big decisions, but when I enter into them I don't to back.

I know what he's doing is wrong and it has hurt me. But I need to do things in a way that suits me. I cannot take full control of the situation unless I am prepared and ready. I have been in this situation for less than a week.

Sorry if this isn't as exciting or as explosive as some of you are hoping.

Polly this is about you & your family - not for the entertainment of anyone else. You must do what you feel is right. I wish you all the very best x