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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unmarried stay @home mum separation advice please

277 replies

fridaysforfuturemum · 29/10/2020 22:31

My partner asked for a separation in January.
We are joint owners of our home and have been living in a toxic atmosphere since then. We have two teenagers at High school. We're not married and I know I have no legal rights on anything but half the house. It was a joint agreement that I leave my job to be a stay@home mum. My partner now says it was my decision and legally he does not have to give me equal share of the savings etc..
I have no money as we just had a joint account. I really want to stay in my home with my kids. (they will stay with me one week, then him the next...)
The solicitors I spoke to were not interested in helping me because they said I was a cohabitee and had no rights. Appeal to his better nature was their top tip!
Can anyone suggest what kind of professional would be able to help me put a financial settlement proposal together that is fair and equal,takes into account what I have contributed to our family over the last 16 years and splits everything 50/50?
I'm saying to him it's about doing the right thing and what's morally right rather than what I'm legally entitled to. I asked him to treat me as if we have been married. We have been together 26 years :(
I've been a trusting fool like so many other women before me...

OP posts:
MollyButton · 30/10/2020 11:25

Nope you have no legal rights.
Do the DC want one week with each? Don't agree to this if they don't, as it will means he doesn't have to pay any CMS.
You need to get a job and claim benefits.
If they are joint accounts then take out your half now. Change wills etc.
But unless you get a job so can afford to pay the mortgage and buy him out of his half you are not going to be able to stay in the house.

courtrai · 30/10/2020 11:32

When my husband and I split the kids - then 16 & 14 wanted to be 50:50. It was an unmitigated disaster and just didn't work. I'm still pursuing arrears from CMS from this time. The kids desperately wanted to please both of us by being impartial but their father had no idea of the amount of work looking after 2 kids was.

If they are adamant they want this make sure you have a firm agreement in place as to who pays for what. There will be no maintenance as such but spends quickly mount up and if you've been the parent who sorts out clothing and school lunches etc they will continue to revert to you for these things

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2020 11:41

The only power you have right now is to take 50% out of your joint accounts and open a private one to deposit the money. Be prepared for an all out nuclear response if you do so.

Original poster
fridaysforfuturemum · 30/10/2020 12:32

Hi,
Thanks for all your supportive comments and advice.
Just to clarify- we don't have a joint savings account I can withdraw half from! Savings accrued from his pay went into his savings accounts. He then paid any house repairs or more major bills etc... from those.
I had access to a joint account that had a diect debit going in each month for stuff the kids and I needed, uniform, food etc...

OP posts:
Whitehorsewaves · 30/10/2020 12:39

There are some realities you're going to need to come to terms with.

It's highly unlikely you will get to keep the house unless you get a job and buy him out. Given that you have been out of work for a long time and the current job market this is probably unrealistic.

You won't get half the savings as he's just not going to give that up.

You cannot continue as a sahm and need to find work pronto.

How much equity is there in the property?

Have you started looking for work?

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 30/10/2020 12:44

Ah shit OP I'm afraid in that case all you will be getting is half the house.

MissScarletInTheSnug · 30/10/2020 12:45

God OP what a shitty situation to be in.

Your name is on the house so you will be entitled to half of that and half of anything in any joint accounts.

And sadly that is it.

If the children were remaining with you then you would be able to make a claim for child maintenance, but if you are doing 50:50 then you won't be entitled to that.

Unfortunately appealing to his better nature and getting a job, any job, are your best options now.

WineGummyBear · 30/10/2020 12:58

OP I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation.

It's all about your own earning potential now. Time to start thinking about what skills you have, what work is available to you and what options give you the best potential to improve your earnings in the medium term. That's how you will support yourself and the kids.

Threads such as these should form part of the PSE (or whatever it's called) curriculum

Dery · 30/10/2020 13:05

“Threads such as these should form part of the PSE (or whatever it's called) curriculum”

Totally agree - I had exactly the same thought when I was reading this thread earlier: if only schools taught about the importance of the legal rights which are provided by marriage or civil partnership. Or at least schools in those countries where these things make a difference – it isn’t all countries; my understanding is that in Australia long-term cohabiting partners have the same rights as married partners. But my family and I are in England and it certainly does make a difference here.

mangoandraspberries · 30/10/2020 13:40

Ah I’m so sorry OP, I fear your DH has been pretty smart about all this - particularly the way he only paid into the joint account what was needed and how he’s now splitting the kids 50:50, so no maintenance to pay.

How much equity is in the house? Can you sell it and use your half to buy somewhere smaller that still has room for the kids?

And if any of your DCs are girls, make sure they don’t make the same mistake later in life...

ThePerfectRose · 30/10/2020 13:43

How much equity is in the house?

You need to look for work ASAP and start planning for quite a difficult financial future.

Sorry this is happening to you OP.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 30/10/2020 13:51

As you're living in a toxic atmosphere and he's rewriting history as to whose decision it was for you to be a SAHM it doesn't sound promising that you'll be getting anything other than what you're legally entitled to. I don't know what you think a professional will be able to do to help you really.

Do you definitely own the house in equal shares?

Ohalrightthen · 30/10/2020 13:52

Out of interest, why didn't you go back to work once the kids went to school? Surely there's no need to be a SAHP if your kids arent AH in the day!?

henni85 · 30/10/2020 13:53

As a CAB adviser, I can tell you that you are entitled to stay in the house but he is as well. Neither party can make the other leave. You need to agree whether you can afford to buy him out, or to sell.
You’re not entitled to any financial settlement, despite what you have contributed to the relationship
It sucks

unmarkedbythat · 30/10/2020 13:54

Oh, OP, I really want to be able to offer you hope and some amazing advice but as pp have made clear, you're in an awful position.

I second the advice of everyone who said do whatever you can now to get a job, any job at all.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 30/10/2020 14:26

Start saving your housekeeping money, any money he gives ýou. Get by on beans etc.

Apply for any benefits you can and hoard that money as well.

Get a job.

Gently redirect the children to their Dad whenever they ask for something that will cost - don't make a big deal of it, just be matter of fact.

Save as much as you can, in your own account, NOT a joint account, and get to work on getting the house sold.

Figure out maintenance.

You aren't going to get to stay in the house, so start to let it go. Save for your future and start doing the sums on how you will purchase or rent a very small flat. Get in touch with relatives and friends and begin building a support network for yourself.

I'm very sorry but this stage of your life - of family living in a family home - is over and unfortunately the choices leading up to this mean that you are going to be in a tough spot.

Twizbe · 30/10/2020 14:33

@WineGummyBear totally agree. I suspect it isn't as people are scared that they will be accused of being discriminatory to people who aren't married or upsetting kids whose parents aren't married.

I do think young people (especially young girls) need to know about the law and how it could impact their choices as adults

VodselForDinner · 30/10/2020 14:34

Threads such as these should form part of the PSE (or whatever it's called) curriculum

That would be great but given how many grown women posting on here don’t get it, I’m not convinced that children would either.

For every thread like this, you have twenty “childcare costs more than I earn so I have to give up work and my boyfriend thinks marriage is just a piece of paper but I trust him completely so it’s all fiiiiiine”.

SoloMummy · 30/10/2020 14:42

How old are the children?
Who suggested 50 50.with the children being moved from pillar to post?
What's the children's opinions on this?

Ickabog · 30/10/2020 14:44

VodselForDinner

Exactly. So many think it's fine, until it's not. There's plenty of advice out there but people like to think the best of their partners, and think situations like the OP has found herself in only happen to other people. Sad

Original poster
fridaysforfuturemum · 30/10/2020 15:00

I am filling in a job application at this moment!
In reply to 'Ohalright then.'..I did go back to work twice but the second time I reseigned because some of the childcare collapsed, my son was unhappy and we spent a lot of time argueing over who did what chores. it was stressful. We decided to prioritise the kids stability and happiness and have more time for the family at the week-end instead of catching up on housework.(well aware we were lucky to have this choice} Obv this meant we had little spare money but our kids up to now have had the childhood we talked about and hoped for.
As for now, I'm consciencious, I worked hard and treated being at home as my 'job' . There's always the dog to walk, housework to do, shopping, cleaning, putting away, making appointments, organising family stuff, teaching kids how to cook, mend stuff, clear up after themselves, get a tradesperson to fix shower, check roof, sort out stuff for charity shop etc... Sorry to state the obvious I just feel quite defensive at the moment because I feel I did my best and like I said it was a joint decision and there were many benefits for him that are now forgotten.I personally, just couldn't manage that as many women do, plus work. I think we probably would of separated a long time ago if I had been a working mother!

OP posts:
BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 30/10/2020 15:07

What an awful situation for you, OP. This is why women have to get married, without it you have no legal protection.

Ohalrightthen · 30/10/2020 15:26

@fridaysforfuturemum from what you said, i think it's really important that going forwards you get a really strong support system in place. Thankfully now you have teens they can do their own appointments/laundry/life admin and their fair share of the chores, so that should be less stressful, but i think you could definitely do with looping in your family and friends for extra emotional support.

MatildaonaWaltzer · 30/10/2020 15:53

is your husband a very high earner? THe only additional thing that might potentially apply is a schedule A children act application which would give you the ability to stay in the house until they leave full time education

Whitehorsewaves · 30/10/2020 16:23

is your husband a very high earner?

She's not married, that's kind of the point of the whole thread. She has no recourse to apply to stay in the house. She's already been told this by her solicitor.