How do I make his life less comfortable?

[Kornflake]

I feel like a live in housemaid and babysitter. DH and I are going through separation but we are stuck living together for a while longer.
We decided we didn't want an atmosphere around the children and so we are still washing each others clothes and eating together as a family at the moment.
We live in his hometown so he has plenty of friends to socialise with in the evenings. I don't.
I have started a hobby once a week which takes me out of the house but that's it.
DH seems perfectly happy. I do most of the washing and cook 80% of the meals, he gets to socialise in the evenings with friends, do as he wishes every other weekend, gets his clothes washed. He likes things to look good to the outside world and we still go on family days out every other week (a few times over half term). So he's posted some lovely family pictures of us on social media. Unbeknowing friends all comment "oh how lovely."
In reality, he has mentally checked out of family life, become hostile and miserable with me at home, untidy, uncaring, insensitive, selfish, unloving and at times, nasty.
I'm finding everything hard and just need some space from him. For him, life is comfortable here.
How do I make him feel less comfortable? I have packed his things and asked him to leave more than once, but he always comes home a few hours later with nowhere to go.
I hate this. But I'm sure the reason he's still here is because it's comfortable for him to stay. I don't want too much upheaval or discomfort around the DCs, but I can't continue like this. I feel sick every day.
He is happier because he's not getting nagged and can go out as much as he pleases. I don't want to share my space with him anymore.

If you’ve got children you need to keep it as amicable as possible, both of you. You should both be putting their feelings and welfare above your own.

Tell everyone.

Cook and eat with DC before he gets home.

Stop doing his washing.

@JenniferSantoro

If you’ve got children you need to keep it as amicable as possible, both of you. You should both be putting their feelings and welfare above your own.

The OP is going along with the charade that everything in the garden is lovely, and acting as unpaid housekeeper to a man increasingly hostile and unpleasant, for the sake of her children. Do you really think you need to remind her to think of other people?

Frankly, I think at this point she needs to factor in her own feelings.

You have to start treating him like a roommate.

Your DC will be fine. People have been divorcing for years.

If you start to do wifework, stop and think would you be doing this for a roommate.

No shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing up, laundry, for him.

He can shop, cook, do his own washing up, laundry, tidy up the kitchen when he's done.

And tell everyone. These things will set a boundary and reclaim yourself as an individual.

Stop doing anything for him, including meals

Stop going out on family days with him, he can take the kids out on his own

Ask him to leave again to live with his brother. If he is not telling anyone you are separating, then you start telling everyone

Tell the children so they are aware and understand why you don’t do anything for their father

Go and see a solicitor to understand your rights

Can you leave and take the kids and go back to where your family are?

At the moment he gets the best of both worlds so he is not going to do anything to stop that, you are going to have to force the issue

If your kids aren't bothered that they're parents are sleeping in seperate rooms they're not going to be bothered if you stop doing his laundry! Come on OP, simply stop doing it

Tell everyone you are separated
Then separate - if you are in the same house you live separately. You stop doing his stuff!

My DS was very stocked when exH moved put precisely because he didn't know anything as wrong. He took it a very hard. Seems protecting them can backfire. Just stop making this man comfortable. He won't leave if he's got his own way with everything

Shocked not stocked

@Kornflake exdh and I lived in the same house for a year post separation. We each had our own "nights" off, they weren't set in stone but it was 50/50 so we could both go out or do our own thing.

Cooking we did 50% of dc meals each and cooked for ourselves separately. I did my own and dc laundry, he did his own.

Food shopping we went halves on the basics and things the dc would be eating and then sorted our own. Separate bedrooms.

It was awful, I ended up with stress related illnesses. But it would have been a shit ton more awful if I'd have been doing his fucking laundry!!

If all your friends and family know I'd be inclined to be rather juvenile and update social media status and instigating passive comments about how life goes on, 2021 is gonna be your year, many plans afoot blah blah.

Seriously though stop doing his bloody laundry. Split the cooking 50/50. Do not pretend to be a family, this will actually damage your DC more in the future.

Tell everyone you've split but are living together until you get things sorted. Split childcare and don't cook for him or wash his stuff. He also does the cooking for the kids when it's his turn to do childcare. Tell the kids too.

I've contemplated telling his family, but I'm worried about the fallout from this. They're very old fashioned, nobody ever splits up or gets divorced and DH is their golden child.
I tried telling MIL months ago that I wasn't happy and needed to separate from DH. She just babbled on about what pressures DH was under and how much more support he needed from me, before walking off and saying she did not want to discuss anymore of this business.
BIL has a problem with single mothers and comments how they're "bleeding dry" a couple of his friends.
The whole family live in each others pockets and think that DH is this wonderful bloke. Partly, I don't want them to find out about the separation either as they will definitely turn on me. ILs provide some childcare so I can't just ignore them either as I have to collect DCs/ drop them off and will need to see them.
I'm dreading it all.

@Embracelife that's a really good way to put it.
What would make me more comfortable is space away from him. I need him to give me some space and have requested this. He is lingering around me constantly when I'm with the DCs, keeps interfering when it's my turn to do bedtime etc.
In the evenings, he's doing his own thing.
I like the idea of a rota, but last time I did this, he may aswell have screwed it up in my face as he carried on doing what he pleased and going out on his nights in etc.

Either you're separating or not. He's not going to tell anyone as he's happy having someone who'll do most stuff around the house while he gets to live as he likes. You don't want to tell In laws as it will become awkward. Why do you care what BIL thinks? I think you are enabling his behaviour as you don't want to rock the boat. Children are clever and pick up on these things. You need to make some decisions as he's clearly not going to.

You don’t need to formally tell them. You could accidentally slip up during drop offs. Oh dear!

How old are the kids?

So you’ve had some good advice on here but it doesn’t sound as though you’re going to act on it ... My bf had to share a house with his ex for a year before he could move out (before me). Things he did
Each had kids EOW rather than one staying at home with one kid and the other taking the other kid to a party etc etc
Each had own nights off (50:50)
Ate seperately from each other
Did own laundry only
Had one bank account for household bills and kids food etc and each paid equal amount into that but otherwise finances seperate.

You HAVE to start implementing some of this and you have to talk to him. The problem is that it is much easier to do this (and fairer) if the other parent gets out of the way when it isn’t his/her w/e or time with kids. So you need to get out of the house more and plan things for “his” weekend with the kids.
But something tells me you won’t do this as there seems to be an excuse for everything. You have to be strong

Ah just seen your latest post. Sorry seems as though you are trying. Keep going with this. Your evenings he should not be interfering and his evenings you should let him get on with it. Persistence is the key!

You need to tell people you're separating and tell the dc too. These are the two things that will push things along. Why would he change anything or rush anything through whilst he's having his cake and eating it. I know it's primarily for the dc 'in your eyes' but they will need to know eventually, the sooner the better. Give him a deadline date to sort stuff, if this passes you tell people.

You can’t try to keep it all the same for the children and the in-laws who do childcare, and not rep miserable as sin for the duration.

I get that finances are tricky, but I think you have to expect that it will get difficult at some point with in-laws and children, so you may as well rip off the plaster and do it now. He can move out to his brother’s or rent somewhere for six months.

Do you have a plan for childcare on your days that doesn’t involve in-laws? I think you need to plan for that.

I lived like this for a year for financial reasons, it is hard,

Be honest with family and friends, it is not just his life it's yours and your children's. They will help, his brother may even offer the spare room.

Get a 35 day white board, put rota for children, meals, etc on it. Then all including children can see plan.

He doesn't get his cake and eat it, by hiding the situation that is what he is doing.

Open a separate bank accts for you and house while living separated. He puts required amount in to house act as do you and joint bills go out of there and costs for children.

Do online shopping as a family and split cost 50/50 from new account. Then it is not just your time spent getting his food.
Take control and he will buckle when he sees you are taking that control back.

Basically, all your posts say the same - you feel awful, you need space, it’s stifling and you want out ... but you have agreed to live a lie ‘for the children’ and for your partner’s self-image, and in the process become a doormat.

Splitting up will be awful, I can see why you’re dreading it. But it is also inevitable so why get more miserable and ground down in the interim? You’ll need your emotional reserves for your DC.

Be honest with everyone, stop the family days out and the meals together that you cook and stop doing his washing. Stop being forced to live a lie for other people’s convenience.

Both him and his family sound awful - that's where he gets it from.

Tell his family. You don't need to spend time with them or have long conversations in future they're not part of your family any more. It's just drop offs and picks ups, be breezy and escape quickly. Ignore anything they say.

It doesn't matter what his family think. But you will need to stop relying on them for childcare during your contact time. So take steps to sort that out.

You can't have it both ways. You either put up with how things are which seems to be grinding you into the ground. Or stop finding reasons why things can't change and change them.

The more I read, the sorrier I feel for the children in all this. No one really sounds like they are putting their best interests first.