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Original poster

How do I make his life less comfortable?

127 replies

Kornflake · 27/10/2020 14:48

I feel like a live in housemaid and babysitter. DH and I are going through separation but we are stuck living together for a while longer.
We decided we didn't want an atmosphere around the children and so we are still washing each others clothes and eating together as a family at the moment.
We live in his hometown so he has plenty of friends to socialise with in the evenings. I don't.
I have started a hobby once a week which takes me out of the house but that's it.
DH seems perfectly happy. I do most of the washing and cook 80% of the meals, he gets to socialise in the evenings with friends, do as he wishes every other weekend, gets his clothes washed. He likes things to look good to the outside world and we still go on family days out every other week (a few times over half term). So he's posted some lovely family pictures of us on social media. Unbeknowing friends all comment "oh how lovely."
In reality, he has mentally checked out of family life, become hostile and miserable with me at home, untidy, uncaring, insensitive, selfish, unloving and at times, nasty.
I'm finding everything hard and just need some space from him. For him, life is comfortable here.
How do I make him feel less comfortable? I have packed his things and asked him to leave more than once, but he always comes home a few hours later with nowhere to go.
I hate this. But I'm sure the reason he's still here is because it's comfortable for him to stay. I don't want too much upheaval or discomfort around the DCs, but I can't continue like this. I feel sick every day.
He is happier because he's not getting nagged and can go out as much as he pleases. I don't want to share my space with him anymore.

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 27/10/2020 16:47

@Kornflake I say this with kindness, but what the fuck are you doing? Seriously.

Really look at your life and think about what the fuck you're doing! You're housekeeper for your ex. Unpaid. And worse, you're choosing to be.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/10/2020 16:50

Hi OP have you had legal advice on splitting finances etc? I know you're not keen to go into details here but we might be able to find a speedier way to get your finances separated or even figure out an alternative route? Or even start a new thread in Legal on here?

I also agree with PPs that you doing more because you're WFH was part of being in a relationship benefit - he doesn't get to cash that in anymore. And as you say he's nasty, messy etc so doing it for the kids is a waste of your precious time because he's no nicer for it and I bet the dc notice anyway. I also agree with PPs to let his family know.

Embracelife · 27/10/2020 16:54

How about what would make your life more comfortable
Rather than making him uncomfortable.
Look at and after your needs.

If that means you only washing and cooking for you then do it for you.
Not as a means to get at him

Petronius16 · 27/10/2020 16:55

I'm of the view that not telling the kids will in the long term do more harm than good, as they may feel deceived when the actual separation happens.

However, if you want to continue with this arrangement I suggest you discuss with him that it's time for the children to realise that in any household work should be shared. Therefore, in future you agree to cooking meals four times a week, as you work at home, he does the other three. Washing, depends how many times a week it needs doing, but come up with a rota, he does one week, you do the next or something similar. Same with housework. After all when he's living alone (assuming he will) he'll have to do it all.

Hope it works out for you all eventually.

alloutofducks · 27/10/2020 16:59

instead of putting energy into making him less comfortable, I'd personally be putting energy into splitting up properly and getting everyone into their new homes (or out of their old one) asap

I had to live with XH (and the DC) while we were separating, and I agree with this.

I think the advice to put something on Facebook is very, very bad. Undignified and unnecessary.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 27/10/2020 17:01

You aren’t protecting your children. You’re teaching them how act - whether by taking advantage or being (and I say this gently and with understanding) a miserable and bitter doormat. You’d be a better parent to face up to the inconvenience, aggravation and hassle and kick him out. You’d be teaching them self care and emotional honesty.

giantangryrooster · 27/10/2020 17:03

Could you start by telling everybody that you are splitting up, in person, by mail, Facebook even a poster in front of you house? You got to get clear lines, this way he is hiding and using you. He has no incentive to do anything about the situation as long as you are enabling him.

Apart from that as pp, split child care and chores evenly, one week for him, one for you. But do tell everybody.

crimsonlake · 27/10/2020 17:05

I believe if you are going to go for divorce based on 2 years separation whilst living under the same roof you have to provide proof that you have been doing so to the courts.
So no sharing anything and that includes bills and finances.

newnameforthis123 · 27/10/2020 17:10

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof

This.

Kids are often more resilient than we think, especially if there is age appropriate transparency.

Can't say me or my brother would have noticed if my parents did separate washing, unless it was always the case that you did it and so it would be a shock to see their dad doing laundry. If that's the case then bloody hell, even more reason to show them a man is perfectly capable of washing and cooking.

Why would a chore / cooking rota cause a huge fallout? Again, the kids should see a man and woman are both capable of doing those things equally and a family is a team not a patriarchy.

You work from home. Just because he travels to and from work, it doesn't mean he's exempt from contributing anything else to the household. You're working and so is he. Yes the person who works less hours may do a bigger share of some jobs if that is practical, but you're doing a ridiculous share of it and sound like you've slipped into martyr mode a bit.

It doesn't have to be like this! He either contributes to the household by doing his share of chores and cleaning (dont ask him to 'help' with them as he will think he's doing you a favour - he needs to do his share) or he stays at his brothers. Those are his choices.

I would be pushing for finances to be sorted ASAP because he sounds the type to stay there as long as he is comfortable and you sound unwilling to actually make him uncomfortable as you're batting away suggestions a bit. And I get that it's difficult and that's why, but things don't change if things don't change...

florascotia2 · 27/10/2020 17:13

OP At a personal level, I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you. Itr's tough for you and your children - but I agree with other posters. Best to be honest with them in an age appropriate way; they will have picked up on the tension.
But in a post up-thread, you say that you are not married. This potentially places you and your children in a difficult position. What is your legal status re the house where you live, for example? For your children's future, as well as your own, you really need informed help to sort out the possibilities.
Ideally, you would consult a solicitor. If not, womens aid might be able to help www.womensaid.org.uk/

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/10/2020 17:15

The single biggest thing you can do to make his life less comfortable is to tell people you're splitting. He can't stop you telling your family and friends at least. Then stop the days out, and if he posts something on SM looking like you're the perfect family comment on the post. He may block you, but then everyone will know something's up.

Why are you letting him have everything his own way under the guise of you WFH/it's better for the children? The first excuse is rubbish, the second isn't true. They're seeing, hearing and picking up on his behaviour around you, you may have started out with good intentions but now being honest is probably better for them.

Start doing what's best for you (and the DCs), not finding reasons why doing what's best for him is the only way to do things..

KiposWonderbeasts · 27/10/2020 17:15

He doesn't control who you tell and when. Why are you tolerating this?

Explain to the children that you will be splitting uyp and are just working out the details. Then tell your friends and families.

No more laundry, equal number of evenings out.

Pikachubaby · 27/10/2020 17:19

Stop it

You’re being silly

Why does it fall entirely to you not to upset the kids (by making sure you are not upsetting him by being his maid/housekeeper)?

Do your own stuff a lot more

Tell the kids

Who and what is this for?

Lweji · 27/10/2020 17:19

Make it clear to everyone that you are separating. Separate at home and tell the children.

ApplePlumPie · 27/10/2020 17:19

The single biggest thing you can do to make his life less comfortable is to tell people you're splitting. He can't stop you telling your family and friends at least

Honestly OP this is the best advice. I know it’s scary because it makes it real but you need to make that step, life will get easier after, and you will have a support network around you.

hesaidshesaidwhat · 27/10/2020 17:20

This must be very hard for your OP but I agree with others here, you need to start prioritising yourself and your children. From your posts it is all about him and what he wants. I appreciate there may be consequences for the family by you stopping the chores however you need to take some control here. I would tell him that since you are separating you will now be taking care of everything for the children re clothes and meals but not him. I guess if he's a right twat he will start to leave washing up everywhere etc but you need to be strong and ignore.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2020 17:28

What is this 'atmosphere' you seem to be afraid of? Just what is it you think he'll do?

Personally, I'd tell him that the two of you need to be 'more separate' so from now on you'll handle your own 'domestic chores' (laundry, pick ing up after yourself, etc) and that you will be cooking for yourself and the children when you are home first and that you expect him to do the same If you have any joint finances, they need to be separated ASAP so I'd tell him I'm doing that and that you need to discuss sharing expenses as 'roommates'. I'd also tell him that I will no longer hide the fact that you are separated from anyone, and that includes his family.

The reason he's not telling is because he's got it pretty damn cushy right now. He's living the bachelor life, isn't he?

notalwaysalondoner · 27/10/2020 17:30

Tell people! He doesn't get to hide this fact until he is ready! If it isn't suiting you having him there, tell his brother and ask him if your exP can move in.

I 100% agree with the posters who say that you should replicate the custody arrangement (or actually do 50/50) so that on 'his' days he does all stuff for the kids including cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathtime. And you stop doing anything for him, starting now.

Woui · 27/10/2020 17:30

I'd go a step further.

You need to talk and decide which night each of you are responsible for the children (like you will when he leaves). That person's cooks and cleans for the children. The other person has that night off and can go out / do minimal with the children.

Stop going out as a family.

Tell his family and friends you are separating.

Separate finances.

Stop doing anything for him.

Friendsoftheearth · 27/10/2020 17:31

I would have him move out to the brother's spare room, you are making it far too easy for him to stay.

Failing that, I would not be doing anything for him or with him, and I would be telling the world you are separated and will not be reuniting and why. He does not get to live like this having screwed you over, he has managed to avoid consequences to now, well not anymore.

He can tell his brother and parents, or you will, either way he needs to leave.

Friendsoftheearth · 27/10/2020 17:33

I imagine he has visions of continuing like this indefinitely. Perfect life for him maid/mother/chef living in serving his every need, porn and a free life to do as he pleases whenever he wants what is there not to like

Eddielzzard · 27/10/2020 17:36

I think he can't go on lying. He has to tell his family and friends, and most importantly, the children.

Candyfloss99 · 27/10/2020 17:57

You need to tell family you are separated. Stop going on family days out so he can't plaster happy families all over Facebook. Don't cook dinner for him. Don't wash his clothes.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/10/2020 17:59

Stop doing his cooking and washing. It doesn’t make sense that you do it. You are separating. Treat him like a housemate in a shared house.

frozendaisy · 27/10/2020 18:07

Get a dog that's yours and teach it to growl at him

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