How do I make his life less comfortable?

[Kornflake]

I feel like a live in housemaid and babysitter. DH and I are going through separation but we are stuck living together for a while longer.
We decided we didn't want an atmosphere around the children and so we are still washing each others clothes and eating together as a family at the moment.
We live in his hometown so he has plenty of friends to socialise with in the evenings. I don't.
I have started a hobby once a week which takes me out of the house but that's it.
DH seems perfectly happy. I do most of the washing and cook 80% of the meals, he gets to socialise in the evenings with friends, do as he wishes every other weekend, gets his clothes washed. He likes things to look good to the outside world and we still go on family days out every other week (a few times over half term). So he's posted some lovely family pictures of us on social media. Unbeknowing friends all comment "oh how lovely."
In reality, he has mentally checked out of family life, become hostile and miserable with me at home, untidy, uncaring, insensitive, selfish, unloving and at times, nasty.
I'm finding everything hard and just need some space from him. For him, life is comfortable here.
How do I make him feel less comfortable? I have packed his things and asked him to leave more than once, but he always comes home a few hours later with nowhere to go.
I hate this. But I'm sure the reason he's still here is because it's comfortable for him to stay. I don't want too much upheaval or discomfort around the DCs, but I can't continue like this. I feel sick every day.
He is happier because he's not getting nagged and can go out as much as he pleases. I don't want to share my space with him anymore.

Go moderately She Devil on his ass:
Cook only things he really doesn't like. Burn or overseason his portion.
"Accidentally" knock over the bottles of good whiskey/wine/whatever he drinks.
Wash his clothes and ruin them. Shrink underwear and knitwear; put non-colourfast things in with his shirts.
Encourage pets to wee on his treasures-does he have a favourite place to sit?
Have children accidentally wreck his technology.
Encourage children to ask him to take them on whichever day out you find most onerous. ('Did I hear daddy say he was taking you to Thorpe Park?')
Confide in the gossipyist person you know about how cruel he's been. Exaggerate.
As you say, he's in his hometown. He'll find somewhere.

@Kornflake

To those who've asked why I've been doing all this for him, it's to keep the peace around DCs. With the cooking, I'm at home more than him as I WFH, so makes sense for me to cook and wash, but I feel used. Waiting for finances to be sorted re the houses, I won't go into too much detail but with covid restrictions, tighter budgets at work and finance issues, we're stuck like this for around 6 months. He could stay in his brothers spare room but blatantly refuses to tell anyone that we're separating. We're actually not married, supposed to have been getting married next year. Easier to call him "dh" for the sake of the post. I've told my friends the wedding is off etc, he's not told anyone. We are in separate rooms but we have been since January. He is content with porn and has been for quite some time from what I can gather, so not much discomfort for him with separate bedrooms either. I hate that the DCs have got used to us sleeping in separate rooms. I don't want them thinking this is normal. He doesn't care.

With the cooking, I'm at home more than him as I WFH, so makes sense for me to cook and wash, but I feel used.

It doesn't matter that you're more at home than he is - if you were living in separate houses, it would be his problem to cook for himself AND for the DC when they are with him. So yes, stop cooking for him or insist that he do the cooking on certain days. Just because you don't have friends locally, doesn't mean he gets to assume you're the default parent. Tell him which days are now "his". On those, he cooks, deals with kids etc as he would if you were living separately. If necessary, take yourself out - join a gym and sit in the cafe if necessary (and you can afford it) or find a cheap and cheerful restaurant to spend a few hours.

And for gods sake, just don't do his washing. Ever. That goes for cleaning his bedroom/changing his bedding etc.

He could stay in his brothers spare room but blatantly refuses to tell anyone that we're separating.

So? Just because he doesn't want to tell anyone, doesn't mean you have to keep this a secret. Tell whoever you want. Put it on facebook if you feel like it. If you haven't told the kids, then insist that you have this conversation with them and if he refuses, YOU have it by yourself. He doesn't get to make all the decisions here.

Obviously, family days out are now off the table. EOW he can take the kids out while you stay home.

If he won't tell anyone that you're breaking up then you will need to put them straight. No more going along with living a lie playing happy families

"To those who've asked why I've been doing all this for him, it's to keep the peace around DCs".

Keeping the peace does not work and you've just ended up feeling used. Start telling people yourself that you are separating if he will not; do not keep this a secret. Telling people also will make this seem more real to you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Another six months of this will merely mess with yours and your children's heads even further, you really do not want this over the next 6 months potentially (could be even longer than that) to further become their norm. Do your children even know that you and their dad have now separated and that your relationship is at an end?.

Finances too should not take that long to sort out; he's stalling here. He has slunk back to the house before now because he's told you he has nowhere to go; that is and actually has never been your problem. He could indeed go and stay with his brother.

The main thing you need to be doing is acting like you have split. So on the days in the future where he is responsible for the DCs then he cooks their dinner. He has to wash his own clothes from now on.

You need to decide now how this is going to work once you have physically split.

You need to tell your BIL you have split up, stop playing happy families. Maybe BIL will then offer his spare room and he can be out.

I also can't help thinking that this is really great for him. You "know" that your relationship is over, so he's free to pursue other women/other relationships etc, but he doesn't have to deal with any of the fallout from a divorce such as reduced finances, inconvenience, taking responsibility for the children etc etc etc. He's really got it good here.

Stop doing stuff for him and start telling people what’s happening.

Yes you’re right, you are being used. He wants to keep up the pretence and not tell anyone because it means you still have/feel obliged to keep doing things for him to keep up appearances.

At the moment he’s having his cake and eating it.

Wow you’re being a total mug OP.
Sorry to say it, but he’s totally using you.

I lived like this for several years and it destroyed me; it certainly didn't help the children either.

My advice, however difficult it is to properly separate, is do it sooner rather than later.
The animosity will build, your children will be aware and affected. Just rip off that plaster and get it done. I wish I had.

It took ex 5 years to move out and another 5 to agree terms of divorce. Ten years of limbo- utterly horrific!

I hope you find a way to reach a conclusion soon.

Put photos of his porn collection on Facebook

@SpaceOP

I also can't help thinking that this is really great for him. You "know" that your relationship is over, so he's free to pursue other women/other relationships etc, but he doesn't have to deal with any of the fallout from a divorce such as reduced finances, inconvenience, taking responsibility for the children etc etc etc. He's really got it good here.

This!

OP you really need to stop what you are doing right now and say -no.

So, you are splitting - split. you are not even married so there is no divorce, you just split. Why on earth are you keeping his secret? You realise you will only get what you are legally entitled to (not much at all in fact) so why are you staying?

You need to take control of your life, you work, you have DC - stop being his doormat as of this minute, take back control of your life. Post on FB or the family Whattsapp that you have split. Sit the DC down and tell them. Look for a new home for you and the DC.

Your children must be so confused.

If you have decided to call time on the relationship stop going for days out and playing "happy families". Tell your families you have split and tell him to talk to BIL about a room, and stop doing his washing and cooking! Whilst he is there you can't move on and frankly the longer it goes on the more he'll take the piss.

In terms of your children's experiences I am not sure how washing his clothes is able to balance out he has mentally checked out of family life, become hostile and miserable with me at home, untidy, uncaring, insensitive, selfish, unloving and at times, nasty.

Surely the latter is going to much more influencial over how easy (or difficult) the children find home life than whether or not you are doing each other's washing.

TBH it sounds tough and toxic for you all, children especially, and instead of putting energy into making him less comfortable, I'd personally be putting energy into splitting up properly and getting everyone into their new homes (or out of their old one) asap.

Yep, totally using you so he can get to do whatever, or whoever, he wants and still be fed/cleaned up after.
Him not telling anyone is in case he changes his mind in the future and wants thing to go back as they were and will tell you never to tell anyone about his blip and you can't throw it back at him as you weren't a couple when he did xyz.

I'd announce it on facebook. Cheeky fucker.
Tell him if he wants out to just go.

For someone who wishes to make his life uncomfortable op you seem to have a lot of excuses as to why you can’t do anything to actually make it uncomfortable

I think you need to sit and have a think about what you want. Who finished it, was it him? Why? Have you told the kids? Everyone else?

You know what you need to do, tell everyone and live separately under one roof and stop washing his boxers and making his dinner like a good little wife.

You sound like an absolute doormat. Tell him to fuck off and find someone's sofa to stay on, he had no shortage of friends by the sounds of it. Nobody is 'stuck'

Your kids will find out eventually that you are splitting up - so the whole act / trying to keep the peace is not necessary really - stop making him dinner, only wash yours and the children's clothes!

Quit the days out - if he plans something you say enjoy your day with daddy - see you later! and stay home

what is the living situation? do you both own the house? if so you can't really just force him to move out surely?

OP, how old are your children? Are they old enough to understand the situation if you explain it to them?

OP you say you are doing all this as you don’t want an atmosphere around the children.

Believe me, there is an atmosphere, I can feel it in your post. Children are not daft, they live in the house and have ears and eyes. I understand you think you are putting their interests first but It’s fruitless.

Take all the advice above and move on from this situation.

Run his toothbrush around under the toilet rim. That'll make him uncomfortable, first the shits then mouth sores.

What is your housing situation?

First thing I'd do is make it common knowledge that you are split up. He doesn't get to call the shots on that.

Tell everyone including his family and your children. Stop doing anything for him. Time to put your foot down OP

Exactly what others say. Putting off telling people and not acting as though you've decided to separate is confusing for everyone including the children.

You need to take charge of this situation. Tell him that you're going to let more people including his family about your decision to separate. Then say that you need to x, y, z ie not looking after him in order to start living a separate life. Then do it.

It's not easier or less stressful for the children if you're feeling used and resentful. It's also terrible role modelling, as you wouldn't want one of your children living like this in years to come.

I don't really understand this. You're going to split up but you haven't yet? Or have you? If you have split up then things need to change. People need to know, including the children, one or both of you needs to move house, post-relationship arrangements about finances and contact with the children need to be negotiated. What you've got instead is a kind of limbo, and if the idea is to 'keep the peace' then all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable, as the peace is going to have to be shattered sooner or later. While that might suit him, it sounds shit for you, and probably isn't as soothing for the kids as you imagine. You need to take the bull by the horns and move things along, as he probably won't while you're cooking his meals, washing his socks and keeping his dirty secrets. I love the trombone idea, but I think what is really needed is a solicitor.