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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I make his life less comfortable?

127 replies

Kornflake · 27/10/2020 14:48

I feel like a live in housemaid and babysitter. DH and I are going through separation but we are stuck living together for a while longer.
We decided we didn't want an atmosphere around the children and so we are still washing each others clothes and eating together as a family at the moment.
We live in his hometown so he has plenty of friends to socialise with in the evenings. I don't.
I have started a hobby once a week which takes me out of the house but that's it.
DH seems perfectly happy. I do most of the washing and cook 80% of the meals, he gets to socialise in the evenings with friends, do as he wishes every other weekend, gets his clothes washed. He likes things to look good to the outside world and we still go on family days out every other week (a few times over half term). So he's posted some lovely family pictures of us on social media. Unbeknowing friends all comment "oh how lovely."
In reality, he has mentally checked out of family life, become hostile and miserable with me at home, untidy, uncaring, insensitive, selfish, unloving and at times, nasty.
I'm finding everything hard and just need some space from him. For him, life is comfortable here.
How do I make him feel less comfortable? I have packed his things and asked him to leave more than once, but he always comes home a few hours later with nowhere to go.
I hate this. But I'm sure the reason he's still here is because it's comfortable for him to stay. I don't want too much upheaval or discomfort around the DCs, but I can't continue like this. I feel sick every day.
He is happier because he's not getting nagged and can go out as much as he pleases. I don't want to share my space with him anymore.

OP posts:
SpilltheTea · 27/10/2020 16:11

Just tells your kids, it's not the end of the universe. Divorce is far more difficult for you than them. Stop letting him treat you like a mug because he wants to play pretend.

Devilesko · 27/10/2020 16:13

How is this going through separation, nothing has separated.
Stop kidding yourself this is for he kids, get him out and live your life.
I can't believe you were ever his skivvy, let alone still doing it.
Please get some dignity and actually separate.
It doesn't matter how he feels or what he wants if you are separated.

BestZebbie · 27/10/2020 16:13

Doing more of the tasks because you WFH is only fair if you are a team so you are evening things out across the two of you - you aren't a team now, you are a single person, so you do 50% of the tasks and pay 50% of the costs, just as if you were in a houseshare. As with a houseshare, if he ignores the washing up you eventually put it on his bed, rather than doing it yourself.

Branleuse · 27/10/2020 16:13

stop doing stuff for him. Why would that create an atmosphere? You wouldnt do your flatmates laundry and cooking if they were a dick to you. You dont need to pretend. Sounds like you are doing ALL the work

TheOrigRights · 27/10/2020 16:13

Do whatever makes your life smoother.

For me, during that dreadful period before I bought him out, it was easier to do the cooking and cleaning up because if I made a stand and didn't do it he would "punish me" by deliberately ruining things, or making such a mess and leaving it. I was making a stand by going through the divorce, so I just did what I needed to do to get through that period. I spent ALOT of time out of the house.
It took me a long time to accept that me being out of the house ie away from my children was not me being the terrible mother he claimed I was, but simply a way to get through that period.

Sorry, I've made it all about me. No one really knows what's going on in your home, just try and get the separation over and done with.

Meuniere · 27/10/2020 16:13

I agree with starting to talk about arrangement with the dcs and implementing them in the house
So EOW he is in full charge of the dcs, incl all the washing, uniforms , finding new shoes when they outgrow them etc.... and the cleaning of course (which he would do in his house)
If he intends to also see them one evening in the week, same organisation and you take yourself out of the equation completely.

For the rest, stop cooking for him, washing his clothes etc.. he can do that himself! And actually even better you can take turns. One day he is cooking for himself AND the dcs. And one week he is washing his clothes AND the dcs clothes. Next week, you do your clothes and the dcs iyswim..
No reason at all, whether you are WFH or not that you are still do everything for him.

I wouod also start talking to other people including his own family. What if he doesn’t like it that they will know you are separating? Is it the reason for the separation that he is uneasy about by any chance? Because I’m pretty sure that if he could find an awful reason to explain why you were impossible to live with somehow he would have no issue advertising that.

And he can stay at his dbrother too. It’s a shame he finds it uncomfortable but that’s happens when you separate!!

Biscuitsdisappear · 27/10/2020 16:17

Pack his things and leave them outside the front door. He keeps coming back with a problem and you solve it for him.

PostcodeJack · 27/10/2020 16:20

@ravenmum

Yes, I don't really understand how you're going to continue washing each others' clothes and keeping the atmosphere nice while at the same time making it not nice enough for him to want to leave.

When my exh was dawling about leaving, I stopped making it easy for him - instead of letting him sit watching TV in the evenings while I hid in another room, I came and sat down next to him and talked to him about his affair.

Sorry @ravenmum, this just made me laugh
TheOrigRights · 27/10/2020 16:20

@Biscuitsdisappear

Pack his things and leave them outside the front door. He keeps coming back with a problem and you solve it for him.
It sounds like the home is jointly owned, in which case the OP has no right make him leave this way.
Bannister · 27/10/2020 16:22

OP, I agree with everyone else. A friend of mine ended his marriage (no one else) and, despite having no financial constraints due to an inheritance, spent nearly eight months still hanging around in the marital home. I asked him what he thought he was doing — at this point he had actually rented his own house but not moved in — and while he said he ‘didn’t want to hurt his wife more’ and at least partly genuinely believed that he was ‘being kind’ by staying, up actually think he was (a) too comfortable (she did all the cooking and before and after school drop offs and pick ups, which meant he’d never had to curtail his work day and (b) was too lazy to pack and organise his move, order furniture, set up utilities etc, because she’d always done that kind of thing. I actually think he was waiting for her to help him to leave her, and half expected her to be shopping around for WiFi providers and washing machines for him!

The reason I go into so much detail is that I think that this laziness carried through after he left. The agreement was 50/50 residency for the children, and it quickly became clear that he was shocked by the amount of work in being a solo parent half the time. He had literally never had to rush home from work to pick up his kids, make dinner and supervise homework. 50/50 quickly became him ‘visiting’ the marital home in the evenings to see his children for 20 minutes. It took months for him to have them overnight.

Don’t set that basket of horrors up for yourself, OP. Set boundaries now for everyone’s sake, including the children’s. He needs to step up.

AiryFairyMum · 27/10/2020 16:22

Go out on a date or two? Get dressed up and enjoy it. If nothing else, it'll remind him you aren't together anymore.

Eckhart · 27/10/2020 16:23

He's in denial and you're supporting him in that. The things that are making him comfortable are that you're doing stuff for him, people don't know you've split up, and he feels no pressure to move.

You can change all these things.

Witchlight · 27/10/2020 16:23

Directly under the Facebook entries of the lovely dats out, announce your separation. “After much soak searching and discussion x and I have decided to separate. As you can see from above, we have decided to try to keep things as amicable as possible and it may take longer to conclude. However, we thought it imports that all our friends and family are told, despite it being difficult with current social restrictions......”

Tell the children! Together and in a non-adversarial way. Don’t let him drive the agenda and get his POV out first.

Witchlight · 27/10/2020 16:24

Days out
Soak searching

Why oh why do I still not proof read before posting 🤦🏼‍♀️

Heyahun · 27/10/2020 16:25

you can't just leave his things outside and kick him out if it's his house too!
Why do people always suggest this?

callmeadoctor · 27/10/2020 16:30

To be fair, now you are being a bit martyr like (I mean that nicely). Follow all the suggestions on here, stop being a dogsbody and certainly not for the sake of the kids. What will you do when this is still happening in a years time?

MinorMinnie · 27/10/2020 16:30

A hard situation.

Even if you make it less comfortable for him, he's still "there".

I'd be putting as much of my focus as possible into getting him out or selling up or whatever the solution is. It might not be an instant thing, but are there things you can do to speed things up? It sounds bad for your mental health to be living this way ...

HosannainExcelSheets · 27/10/2020 16:35

In the end, the only thing that got my ex to move out was me telling him a final date to be out, or I'd leave with the DC and go live with family until he sorted himself out.

AnotherSlice · 27/10/2020 16:37

I am going through this, OP - I was trying to keep things civilised, cooked a couple of family meals, which he ruined with stupid arguments, so I stopped.

I manage the timetable by being out. Join a gym, go swimming, do Couch to 5k or whatever its called, anything, anything at all to get you out, and tell him you will be out. Even if you go and sit somewhere that is open late with a coffee or a drink.

But my children were near-adult enough for me to tell them that we were separating. It helps if they are too young to notice who does the washing / cooking, or old enough to tell.

You will go mad if you go on like this and the anger and resentment against him will wear you out and grind you down.

As soon as I told my friends lots of women friends stepped up and invited me to things, coffee, a walk, dinner. That has helped, too.

diddl · 27/10/2020 16:38

How does you doing everything keep the peace around the kids-what's he going to do if you don't cook & clean?

Whose house is it?

ravenmum · 27/10/2020 16:41

@PostcodeJack I know, it's ridiculous! But it worked!

Wildflower219 · 27/10/2020 16:42

I would defo start by doing a post on Facebook r watever commenting that use have separated. He's in denail by the sounds of things. Also with covid restrictions depending on your teir he shouldn't be out socialising with friends so tell him he's putting the kids at risk. Can he stay in a relatives ik you said his brother has a spare room. You start by not asking him to you tell him he's moving out we are over and that's it. Agree with the others stop doing his washing charge him extra if he's eating the food. He's living the life of leisure and it's wrong Angry

CheetasOnFajitas · 27/10/2020 16:45

I don’t wash my husband’s clothes and we are happily married!

IceniWarrior · 27/10/2020 16:46

I'd be telling his family you have separated. If he is pretending all is fine then he is lying to them about you.

If he wants to keep thinks calm for the kids he will have no issues cooking and cleaning for himself. I bet it isn't about keeping it fine for the kids, rather, for him. Dont let him spin you that line. Take control and move things along.

CleverCatty · 27/10/2020 16:46

@TurkMama

Stop going on family days together Separate finances properly. If he is paying all bills still you could continue with chores if you are at home more but if your money is separate then so should the cooking and laundry. Do you sleep separately? You could try living by the custody arrangement you are going to have by getting out of the house or staying elsewhere when it's his days. You could let family know youve separated and change fb status. If he cares about appearances then thatll sting him.
Agreed no more family days out together. Why should you let him look nice to the outside world?!

Off he goes to his brother's too.