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Original poster

Was this weird/inappropriate?

50 replies

SoVeryQuiet · 27/10/2020 09:52

This is about a man I was dating but am no longer seeing. We dated for a few months.

I have children - a 22 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. They met him a handful.of times and got on well.

The last time he came round to mine (3 days before I finished it for a number of reasons). He did something that made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

He had a nickname for my daughter it was perfectly fine - not inappropriate and was a name she sometimes jokingly refers to herself by. It seemed a bit odd that he'd adopted it as a nickname to use but I just put it down to him making a clumsy effort. He doesn't have children but has friends whose children have grown up with him almost as an uncle.

Anyway, the last time he came round, he came in and I invited him to sit where he liked while I put the kettle on.

We have a 3 seater sofa and 2 armchairs. My daughter was sitting at one end of the sofa and all other seats were empty.

He said "ooh i think i'm going to sit next to

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 27/10/2020 09:54

I think he was just making a clumsy effort to be friendly.

BigFatLiar · 27/10/2020 09:54

Sounds like he's trying to be part of the family

Original poster
SoVeryQuiet · 27/10/2020 09:57

Ah, ok. That's what I thought too. It just seemed a bit odd to sit next to her and I did feel a bit uncomfortable but I was sexually abused as a child and sometimes I wonder if my senses are a bit off.

I'm.not generally inclined towards being suspicious but this is the first man who has spent any time with my children beyond an initial introduction.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoVeryQuiet · 27/10/2020 09:58

Or rather it's what I told myself but I wasn't 100% sure.

OP posts:
10questions · 27/10/2020 09:58

I do think that was unnecessary and a bit inappropriate. My 13 year old would hate that if it wasn’t a family member or someone they knew well.

It sounds more like he doesn’t know how to behave around young people more than he was being creepy.

10questions · 27/10/2020 10:00

Although I would keep an eye on it if he is still around.

booboo24 · 27/10/2020 10:00

I'd agree, it sounds like he was just trying to make an effort to fit in. Nothing sinister. Given your past I can totally understand why you would feel the way you do, but I can't see anything to worry about there, honestly. I'm so sorry you went through that x

Original poster
SoVeryQuiet · 27/10/2020 10:04

Thank you.

My daughter was fine with it. We had a day out in the summer and it got a bit chilly, he put his jacket round her shoulders. She liked him.

OP posts:
Pesimistic · 27/10/2020 10:11

No I think he was just trying to make an effort

SandMason · 27/10/2020 10:36

I don’t like it, but I also have csa in my history, and now live by very clear/strict boundaries of male/female interaction. Like there’s no reason for him to sit next to her or put his jacket over her, and if I were a man I wouldn’t have done those things. There is no reason for him to physically approach your daughter in any way, imo. CSA makes your spidey senses stronger, so if you sensed it was a bit off, it probably was.

SandMason · 27/10/2020 10:53

I’d also add that PPs who have said it’s fine are making assumptions about his intentions that they could not possibly know without knowing him or being there. Your senses were alerted enough to post here, so trust that. Good job he’s gone, as you don’t really want someone in your life where you have to ask Mumsnet if he’s being inappropriate with your daughter. If he were the right man for you, that question would never enter your head, ever.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2020 10:56

This is usually just someone being friendly. It’s the sort of thing I’d do. I don’t see being female makes it difference. However the fact you think he is sexually interested in your daughter should be enough to end it. Because it means you don’t trust him and in one of the worst ways.

So I think you need to end it. Because either he is and you need to get away or he’s not and he shouldn’t be with someone who thinks he’s possibly a paedophile.

SandMason · 27/10/2020 11:20

What is ‘usually’ the case doesn’t tell us anything about what the deal was in this particular case, which OP felt strongly enough to post about, and only she is in a position to judge. Although I do think him being male makes a significant difference.

OP you are not doing anything wrong by raising this question. It’s your prerogative as a mother, and as a woman to safeguard yourself and your children.

BigFatLiar · 27/10/2020 11:42

I'm.not generally inclined towards being suspicious but this is the first man who has spent any time with my children beyond an initial introduction.

You're no longer seeing him so thats fine. I'd avoid any sort of relationship for the foreseeable future if you think that any many coming into your family is a perv for being friendly. Not fair on them, stress on you.

Like there’s no reason for him to sit next to her or put his jacket over her, and if I were a man I wouldn’t have done those things.

For some men give a woman his jacket when she's cold is the proper thing to do. It may be that in the times of equality its should no longer be the done, like perhaps 'women and children first' should be 'parents with dependant children first'.

BigFatLiar · 27/10/2020 11:43

Sorry any many .... any man

SandMason · 27/10/2020 12:08

I actually find some PPs readiness to give the benefit of the doubt to a man they’ve never met over a woman who’s raised a question, really disturbing

Original poster
SoVeryQuiet · 27/10/2020 12:09

For some men give a woman his jacket when she's cold is the proper thing to do.

I gave it as an example of thebsort of person he is. Of him being decent. Nothing more

OP posts:
Original poster
SoVeryQuiet · 27/10/2020 12:10

It also felt odd that he had a nickname for her but not one for me. That seemed 'off'.

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 27/10/2020 12:13

It's appropriate to give a kid a nickname and tease them in the way that you wouldn't to a woman you wanted a sexual or romantic relationship with. 'Hiya, spud' gives a friendly vibe to a young teen but wouldn't get me ripping my knickers off.

Bannister · 27/10/2020 12:21

It's not relevant now, as you're no longer seeing him, but it reads primarily to me as someone clumsily trying to be avuncular, with the idea that 'Oh, I must be friendly to X's daughter, so I will show my friendliness by sitting beside her, in case she felt rejected if I sat on an armchair or at the other end of the sofa, and use her nickname to show how warmly I feel towards her', without any real awareness of the fact that a teenager doesn't necessarily want her mother's boyfriend that she's met only a few times sitting next to her on the sofa, or using a nickname when he hardly knows her.

But you were there, obviously.

Original poster
SoVeryQuiet · 27/10/2020 12:47

Bannister

Thanks. Yes, that explained it well. Tbh, she was quite happy. She liked him and he was a more willing audience than me for all her school dramas purely because he didnt have to listen to it 24/7 Wink

Strange though. I broke up with him because he wasn't all that into me - which he didn't argue with. Seems strange he'd make such an effort with my daughter in that case.

Not suggesting he had ulterior motives. Just seems like a lot of effort to go to when he wasnt interested in me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoVeryQuiet · 27/10/2020 12:48

growinggreyer

That's true.

OP posts:
GravityFalls · 27/10/2020 12:52

Hmm, I think it’s a bit weird - I’m a teacher and it would ring alarm bells if I saw that sort of behaviour tbh. My DS has a friend who has a 13 year old sister - I’ve met her a handful of times and we’re on chatting terms but I’d never nickname her or sit next to her on the sofa as I’d be very aware that would most likely make her feel awkward but as a polite child wouldn’t want to offend me by moving away. I do tend to think most functioning adults would understand this so I don’t like to bend over backwards with the “maybe he didn’t understand” stuff. If these men were genuinely that clueless they’d regularly be getting smacked in the face by people.

SandMason · 27/10/2020 12:54

I think it’s wholly relevant despite the fact OP is no longer seeing this man, as she’s essentially asking ‘is my radar off?’ And the answer is no, no it isn’t.

SandMason · 27/10/2020 12:56

@GravityFalls

Hmm, I think it’s a bit weird - I’m a teacher and it would ring alarm bells if I saw that sort of behaviour tbh. My DS has a friend who has a 13 year old sister - I’ve met her a handful of times and we’re on chatting terms but I’d never nickname her or sit next to her on the sofa as I’d be very aware that would most likely make her feel awkward but as a polite child wouldn’t want to offend me by moving away. I do tend to think most functioning adults would understand this so I don’t like to bend over backwards with the “maybe he didn’t understand” stuff. If these men were genuinely that clueless they’d regularly be getting smacked in the face by people.
This. Nail on head.