Alcoholic husband - where do I go from here?

[Ruthietuthie]

First time posting about this. I don't know what I am asking, really. Perhaps if anyone has been in the same situation and what they decided? What helped?

My husband's drinking had been ramping up for years. I knew he drank too much in the evening (every night since our son was born three years ago) and hated that he was either monosyllabic and stupid or mean every single night.
In August, he collapsed while out walking the dog and ended up in hospital. He told me then that he had been drinking heavily during the day too, since lock-down (2 or 3 litre bottles of vodka each day). This explained why he had been acting so strange (distant, slurring his words, odd) during the day.
Since then, he has gone weeks without drinking. He will then drink one night, and then the next day I will come home to find he is drunk again. This past weekend, he drunk on Saturday night (he had been talking about nothing else but his one drinking night all week). I took our son to the park on Sunday morning, came home at 11 am to find him slurring and staggering around.
I just can't take it anymore. The lying is the worst (I asked him so many times, when I found him slurring his words during the day, "Did you drink?" He denied it each time, saying that I was crazy and making trouble. The following day he will admit it). But I love him. I just don't know how to move forward with this.
Is there any hope? He won't admit he has a problem, was furious that the doctor at the hospital described him as having alcohol dependence, and says he will just cut down.
I can't go on living like this. But I just don't know what to do from here?
Has anyone been here? What did you decide?

florencex

"I would probably start with Al anon for yourself and see if there are ways you can help him to recognise his problem".

OP is now attending Al-anon meetings. It is NOT her job either to see if there are ways she can help him to recognise his problem. The only person too that can help her H is his own self. OP too also grew up with an alcoholic parent and it is sadly of no real surprise to me anyway that she went onto marry an alcoholic herself.

And why should not she have the option here (realistically the only one open to her now) to leave her alcoholic H?. Preserving your marriage at all costs is not a wise or even a necessary course of action. All this stuff you write too about "not throwing in the towel" smacks of the sunken costs fallacy and that causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. What is forgotten here is that the damage has already been done.

@pointythings

I thought OP was asking for thoughts from people with experience.

Shame on me. My sister died (very young) from alcohol abuse only a few weeks ago. I am glad you think I should be ashamed of myself, because it took a great deal for me to comment on a thread like this. I am sat here in tears now but you can be happy to know I will never try to contribute to an alcohol related thread again. Well done for keeping mumsnet safe.

@pointythings @attilathemeerkat

I have not said preserve the marriage at any costs.

I have also clearly said that he needs to want to change or it is a non starter.

@Florencex I'm sorry to hear about your sister, I really am.

But everything you said in your original post tells me you have not learned about detachment. You have not learned the lessons of being the relative of an alcoholic. You haven't let go of the co-dependence.

And so you are writing from the perspective of someone who remains enmeshed, and actively encouraging OP to remain enmeshed. Your advice was bad advice. You may well not have had good advice yourself, but that does not entitle you to pass on bad advice. I hope you will find bereavement support for yourself, preferably with some specialist input because of your situation, and I hope you can let go of your sister in a loving way - but you absolutely should not offer advice on alcohol threads until you have reached the point where you have detached with love from your sister's memory.

Hi op. I have name changed as I am ashamed, so completelydisgusted with myself.. I'm coming at this from the alcoholics pov. Me.

My DP after years of begging and trying to support me (never gave up alcohol for even 1 day in 5 years) one Monday morning very calmly told me he had packed my bag. He had threatened it before but as usual i just denied I had a problem and knew (thought) he didn't mean it. He did. He had me packed. He said I get help TODAY or I wasnt coming back and I'd never see the kids again as I was not to be trusted and he threw me out the door.

For a week or 2 before he found all my stashed (empty) bottles and lined them up. I felt just so utterly ashamed and disgusting but still didnt do anything about it.

I am sober 6 months now. In a completely different place with everything

It's my story in brief and may not be a road that will work but do not put up with this behaviour any longer. He knows damn well and you have every right to show him the door for you and your childs sake.

Ps honestly SOME alcoholics do change but a few only

Congrats on your 6 months sober @iamhappysober, that’s a brilliant achievement and to face up to things must be so hard to do. I have huge respect for you.

@iamhappysober well done and thank you for coming on here and giving us your point of view. I hope you make it - your insight gives you a better chance than most. My husband ultimately never accepted that he could never drink again.

My DSis' partner is another success story - but again he didn't get there by her enabling him, it took detachment, tough love and a lot of rebuilding. He's 10 years sober.

What makes me profoundly sad for you, is that both you & your son are going to pay the price for his denial, you know he is alcoholic, whether or not he has had a drink that hour/day or not, you know you can't leave your son alone with him, you dread coming home, your dread what your day will bring. Your life as it stands is broken.
Yet you are still not making decisions to protect yourself & your innocent child from his disease that will ultimately consume you all.
You must leave him, or he must leave. you can tell him you love him, but it is not possible to live like this, he must get help, he must go to the doctor, detox programme, AA. He must admit he has a life threatening problem, & he repeatedly isn't.
Your life matters, you are the only caring, functioning parent, & your child needs you safe & solvent.

well done, Iamhappysober !

Hope you are ok OP.

To walk away would be the hardest thing.

No, making the decision to walk away is the hardest thing. Then it's just taking one tiny step at a time.

Don't be me op. My exh drank an incredible amount when my dc was tiny - his behaviour and lack of involvement was a major factor in my pnd. I went on to have another dc and at about 34 weeks I gingerly enquired if he would condider cutting back so that he could drive me to hospital when I went into labour and was hit with a wall of abuse.

I stayed until that dc was 2yo. The decision to leave took a lot of time to make, and only now, 11 years later, can I look back and think I definitely did the right thing for me and the dcs.

He won't change op. You can't make him change. But you can make a better life for you and your dc.

I'm the child of an alcoholic, several other alcoholics in the family, and two ex partners were alcoholics. My father only admitted his problem when in end stages of liver failure aged 53, first ex partner never did and died aged 45, second ex partner dead at 40 (suicide while drunk).
I really don't think there is a huge amount you can do, other than protecting yourself and dc from by leaving and getting some distance. This isn't something that anyone can make better apart from the alcoholic themselves.

How are you doing OP? What will lockdown mean for any thoughts or decisions you are having?

I hope you're ok OP. I couldnt stay in a house with my child where someone was drinking 2-3 litres of vodka per day as it is certain of this negatively impacting the child in all manner of ways. I would prepare yourself for the worst as 2-3 litres of vodka daily surely must be end of the line, I cant imagine this could be physically sustained for any period

Hey OP, just checking in to see how you're doing? x @Ruthietuthie