Alcoholic husband - where do I go from here?

[Ruthietuthie]

First time posting about this. I don't know what I am asking, really. Perhaps if anyone has been in the same situation and what they decided? What helped?

My husband's drinking had been ramping up for years. I knew he drank too much in the evening (every night since our son was born three years ago) and hated that he was either monosyllabic and stupid or mean every single night.
In August, he collapsed while out walking the dog and ended up in hospital. He told me then that he had been drinking heavily during the day too, since lock-down (2 or 3 litre bottles of vodka each day). This explained why he had been acting so strange (distant, slurring his words, odd) during the day.
Since then, he has gone weeks without drinking. He will then drink one night, and then the next day I will come home to find he is drunk again. This past weekend, he drunk on Saturday night (he had been talking about nothing else but his one drinking night all week). I took our son to the park on Sunday morning, came home at 11 am to find him slurring and staggering around.
I just can't take it anymore. The lying is the worst (I asked him so many times, when I found him slurring his words during the day, "Did you drink?" He denied it each time, saying that I was crazy and making trouble. The following day he will admit it). But I love him. I just don't know how to move forward with this.
Is there any hope? He won't admit he has a problem, was furious that the doctor at the hospital described him as having alcohol dependence, and says he will just cut down.
I can't go on living like this. But I just don't know what to do from here?
Has anyone been here? What did you decide?

[pointythings]

Louiselrhau can you please go away and dispense your dangerous advice elsewhere? You're clueless about what alcohol addiction does to a person and the people around them. All you do is spout your meaningless platitudes about the sanctity of marriage. The OP doesn't need that from anyone.

[GammyLeg]

@Louiselhrau

Marriage vows are important but at some point you have to put your children first. The OP knows first hand about growing up with an alcoholic father and wisely isn’t going to let history repeat.

Please don’t listen to this clueless poster OP. And good luck 💐

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Louiselhrau

Do you not think the OP has been through more than enough already?. And not just her either, her son too?.

[AFitOfTheVapours]

Give me strength! Re louiselhrau, what everyone else has said. Keep going ruthietuthie.

[Coffeesnob11]

Firstly i am really sorry you are having to go through this. I remember well being told i was crazy when i thought he had been drinking, 99%of the time i was right. I agree that the lying is the worst bit. I wish my dh would have said do you know what i dont want to stop or get help and i am drinking. He still loes about drinking and getting help. I had to leave in May and al anon has been a huge help.
To the person that said its religious, its not, the group i attend has many faiths and non faiths. We each choose our interpretation of the word God which can even be the power of out own minds. Dont worry about crying they have all been there. They understand that feelinb. I cry regularly in meetings.
I dont think you have to think of it as a stay or divorce scenario. You could ask him to leave but say he had to be sober for a year and get professional psychological help before you could continue with our marriage.
Also the person who quoted marriage vows, my husband used to say to me i was breaking my marriage vows when i left completely ignoring him breaking his vows with physical and verbal abuse. No one should have to stay in a marriage. This isnt a minor disagreement about who cleaned the bathroom last, living with an alcoholic is tiring, heartbreaking and on occasions dangerous (they drive over the limit, they leave ovens on etc)
My husband is still drinking loads and he almost has an alcoholoc dementia now, he isnt the same person anymore and i have recengly had to call the police. I know he wont stop drinking and i feel sad for our child and my ss.
Take care of yourself and your child, take one hour at a time. Its horrible realising the person you married is no longer there. My thoughts are with you.

[OhMsBeliever]

Ugh @Louiselhrau Nope.

Being married to an alcoholic is horrible. The dread of coming home after being out and wondering if you're going to find them drunk. The pissing in the bed. The vomiting in the bathroom. Holed away drinking while you try and make sure everything is normal for the kids.

Nope. Get out.

The day my ex left was one of the happiest days of my life. The relief I felt. How I could enter my house without feeling sick with worry about what I would find. The walking around on tiptoes feeling gone.

I am 100% happier.

Meanwhile my ex is drinking more than ever, jobless and looks terribly ill. Hasn't seen his kids for nearly a year. Suppose that's all my fault for being a terrible wife and not supporting him (even though it took me around 10 years to be brave enough to spilt with him)

[BritInAus]

@OhMsBeliever yes - coming home to a peaceful home - isn’t that feeling priceless??? No dread of what you may come home to, or that feeling in your stomach when you hear them get home.
Changing the locks gave me enormous peace of mind.

[pointythings]

Suppose that's all my fault for being a terrible wife and not supporting him (even though it took me around 10 years to be brave enough to spilt with him)

And that's the key point right there. Louiselrhau assumes that people who post here about life with an addict have just decided blithely that they want to end the marriage over a few minor niggles. Nothing could be further from the truth. By the time people post here (myself included) they have nearly always had years of living in that situation, trying to support their OH, gradually realising that they are codependent and enabling and actually part of the problem. They have tried everything.

It took me 6.5 years to reach the point where I knew it had to end. That isn't unusual. That isn't a casual abandonment of a marriage either.

[BillyMurphy]

It took me 16 years to realise. I took my marriage vows very seriously however it was destroying me. I had to leave as my mental health was suffering beyond belief. We are all here for you.

[LividLaughLovely]

Hi OP. I’ve been there, too.

I spent a couple of years going to Al-Anon and trying to fix him, like you do.

I was only in my 20s but saw other spouses who had wasted their whole lives being impacted by somebody else’s drinking.

I realised that I even if he was sober a decade I’d never be able to really trust him, never not be covertly sniffing his breath or checking under the sofa for bottles. The gaslighting does things to you.

I didn’t want to live like that, and that was a best-case scenario.

I left him and it was AWFUL but also the best thing I ever did, to save myself. You have a child to add to that and they will already be subtly impacted, I’m afraid.

You have to put your baby first and yourself second and get out. People on here can help with the practicalities.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

Hi OP, just to add my couple of words of agreement to what everyone else has said. Al Anon can be really helpful and you don't need to believe in God - I've been in AA for 13 years and I have a higher power - which can be anything at all, some people use God as an acronym for Group of Drunks.

I have known friends who prior to AA were drinking levels equivalent to your husband on a daily basis. They needed medical intervention to stop and have been sober for many years. However, they knew that they had a serious problem and they desperately wanted to stop drinking. In order to succeed, and I use that word cautiously because it's a day at a time, we have to put sobriety before anything and everyone - in other words, it has to replace alcohol. I genuinely don't think about drink any more - it's a part of my life that's mercifully in the past - but I will never shut the door on it and I will attend AA meetings because it works for me.

To the poster whose husband goes to meetings but still drinks - does he have a sponsor and has he worked through the steps? Does he have a desire to stop drinking?

Everyone else is correct that nobody can do it for you, and sometimes people do hit the lowest point possible where they lose family, home, their own life. I acknowledge the lies and manipulation and pain that we are guilty of, and I will spend the rest of my life making amends, in some ways. But there are plenty of us who do recover, if we really want to. Unfortunately it doesn't sound as if your husband has reached that point so you absolutely must put you and your child first.

[AFitOfTheVapours]

This is so the point isn’t it? I bet all of us on here tried for years (and incredibly hard), under conditions of misery and dread before deciding enough was enough. When @Louiselhrau says we will be glad we stayed, she has missed the point in every possible way.

[welshladywhois40]

Hi, my ex-husband was an alcoholic. I say was because we divorced and now he has died.

A lot of what you said reminds me of my former life - coming home from work to a partner who has been drinking all day. I used to pray he had passed out by the time I got home as that was easier to manage then the argumentative drunk person.

We didn't have children but if we had - I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did. I tried to help and tried to understand but nothing I did was good enough and often I used to get blamed for the drinking.

I left when he started getting really nasty and aggressive (police called out).

At first when I left I heard a lot from him that actually it was a good thing as he had hit rock bottom and now needed to get help. I also had stopped funding him. However having spoken to his family - 4 years later he still couldn't control his drinking and was still drinking bottles of vodka each day and he was found dead.

Reading your post you seem in a different place at the point you still have love but unless he wants to change or get help - you can't do anything.

If he wants to change he needs to get the help. Start with the gp as they will know what outreach services are available

[pointythings]

welshlady for you. Your story is my story. Mine died 8 months after being made to move out by the police.

[fiestatime]

My father was an alcoholic. I am late 50s and his actions still ripple down the years. As I got older I only wished my mum would have left him and given us all a better life. Everyone's circumstances are different these are mine.

[fiestatime]

I should have also said that even as a very young child I could see what was happening and I believed it was my fault.

[Opentooffers]

I really think you should take steps to separate from him to protect your DS. I left my alcohol dependent DP when my son was 3 for his protection. His father was open about his drinking, never denied it, so your DH has a long way to go. Even when faced with possibility of death, your DH has not accepted it, you can't get a more stark message than that and still he won't address it, so it shows that it's either going to take some miracle ( these rarely happen) or nothing will change him - in which case death may follow, and does for many.
My son's father died when he was 48, my DS was 13, I'm glad I'd got out 10 years before. Happily, my son is fab and well-adjusted lad, a little more mature for his years maybe. Be prepared that sometimes, nothing can be done to solve it. Ex-P had a stint in rehab, that didn't work either.

[Sssloou]

Al - Anon support you to “detach with love”.

This is the best thing that you can do for each of you in this situation.

You need to step away and recognise where your current actions facilitate and enable him to continue to drink. Doing this means he may hit rock bottom and change with professional support over the long term. You are not professionally or emotionally equipped to turn this around, in fact your involvement is inadvertently counter productive. You will see this (your codependency! once you get involved with Al-Anon also Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Your child is the biggest victim here, his dad is not emotionally present, available or contributing to his childhood development. It’s not just an absence / neglect - there is real risk and proactive deep damage going on here as well. You child needs protecting from his detrimental force in his life 24/7.

Beyond that he has also lost the care and parenting he needs from his mother - because you are depressed, exhausted, physically distracted and mentally preoccupied by your DH. This overwhelm and consumption of your headspace is even impacting your job. So where is the space for calm, confident, gentle, consistent, attuned emotional focus and patient interaction with your child.

You can’t be in two emotional places at once, you have finite energy and headspace - conserve it, prioritise it and give it to your child. They need this for their emotional growth. You know that this situation wrecks you for your whole life. Spare your child the life you have lived. He doesn’t need to loose both his parents to the alcoholic system.

Find your purpose and find the support to restore your energy and clear your headspace so that you can focus on the right person - ie your child - not your DH.

Have you friends and family you can speak with in real life? You just need one trusted person to open up to for now.

[Ruthietuthie]

Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful comments. And I am so sorry for all of us who have had to go through this, whether as spouses or as children of alcoholic parents.
I am in a different time-zone, so I am not sure quite what @Louiselhrau said, but thank you for all those who pointed out that I really have been committed, and taken marriage seriously, but that there comes a point where, for the sake of my child, I just can't stay.
The house is in both our names, and in an area where houses sell very quickly (very hight demand, with little inventory). I am beginning to put next steps in place.
For now, I am just doing a little at a time, focusing on my son, will keep going to Al-anon meetings. I have also begun to look for a therapist, as this has brought up so much pain for me, both pain over what has happened to our marriage, and pain looking back to what happened to me as a child. Above all, my son's welfare is my concern.

I really appreciate EVERYONE who has responded so kindly, Thank you.

[Ruthietuthie]

@Sssloou, thank you for your thoughtful words. I do need to find that space of clarity and focus, focus that isn't on my husband and worrying about what he will do next, whether he is lying, whether he has been drinking.
I told a dear friend what happened today. I had kept it to myself entirely (lying about what caused his hospitalization back in August/September). It feels better to get it out. She was shocked. From the outside, I had kept up the pretense that everything was perfect.

[Ruthietuthie]

@Opentooffers, your comment, that even when faced with the possibility of death, my husband still denies he has a problem, really hit home.
Our neighbor had to do CPR. I thought he was dead. But afterwards, he was only angry that I had embarrassed us by calling the ambulance, as it "wasn't a big deal."
I am glad you found that good space for your son. I am sorry your ex-husband died.

[Blueberries0112]

Friday the 13th

[AFitOfTheVapours]

Well done for telling someone in real life Ruthie. I think that’s one of the most important steps to take. You really do sound like you’ve turned the corner and are looking at this all in a different light. Hopefully, a good therapist will be able to help you organise your thoughts for moving on and away from your current situation.

[Florencex]

Yes I have experience of this. Your husband cannot help having a dependency on alcohol, but he can, with huge amounts of help, make choices not to let it overtake his life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and the increase in consumption you have seen over time is what happens. Your husband is an alcoholic. He doesn’t need to cut down, he needs to stop, 100%.

I hate that people immediately say leave him and it won’t get any better. There are millions of addicts living in recovery, I don’t think you need to throw in the towel straight away, you wouldn’t if he announced he had cancer. And anybody that says getting cancer isn’t a choice, please know that alcoholism isn’t a choice either. Being an alcoholic is utter shit and nobody would choose it.

But there is only hope if your husband acknowledges the problem and recognises it needs to change. Step one of the twelve steps to recovery is recognising that there is a problem. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable”.

You cannot force him to recognise this unfortunately. I would probably start with Al anon for yourself and see if there are ways you can help him to recognise his problem. Do you think he might be willing to read about addiction? Do you think you could ask him to attend an AA meeting? There are a lot of zoom meetings at the moment so less daunting than walking into the local community centre?

[pointythings]

Florencex if you had read the full thread, you would know that this has been going on for years and that OP's OH has already been at death's door once - and has minimised it. It isn't her job to rescue him, it's his. It's her job to protect their child, which she does by ending the marriage. She has been at this for years. How many years do you think is long enough for a spouse to suffer before calling it quits?

Do you know what I hate? The 'preserve the marriage at all costs' brigade. The ones who guilt trip spouses into staying in an awful situation because 'he can't help it'. If you have experience then you must know that the relapse rate among alcoholics is awful and that the majority of them don't make it. And you want to put OP through that? Shame on you.