Alcoholic husband - where do I go from here?

[Ruthietuthie]

First time posting about this. I don't know what I am asking, really. Perhaps if anyone has been in the same situation and what they decided? What helped?

My husband's drinking had been ramping up for years. I knew he drank too much in the evening (every night since our son was born three years ago) and hated that he was either monosyllabic and stupid or mean every single night.
In August, he collapsed while out walking the dog and ended up in hospital. He told me then that he had been drinking heavily during the day too, since lock-down (2 or 3 litre bottles of vodka each day). This explained why he had been acting so strange (distant, slurring his words, odd) during the day.
Since then, he has gone weeks without drinking. He will then drink one night, and then the next day I will come home to find he is drunk again. This past weekend, he drunk on Saturday night (he had been talking about nothing else but his one drinking night all week). I took our son to the park on Sunday morning, came home at 11 am to find him slurring and staggering around.
I just can't take it anymore. The lying is the worst (I asked him so many times, when I found him slurring his words during the day, "Did you drink?" He denied it each time, saying that I was crazy and making trouble. The following day he will admit it). But I love him. I just don't know how to move forward with this.
Is there any hope? He won't admit he has a problem, was furious that the doctor at the hospital described him as having alcohol dependence, and says he will just cut down.
I can't go on living like this. But I just don't know what to do from here?
Has anyone been here? What did you decide?

[BritInAus]

Hey OP, just checking in to see how you're doing? x @Ruthietuthie

[XiCi]

I hope you're ok OP. I couldnt stay in a house with my child where someone was drinking 2-3 litres of vodka per day as it is certain of this negatively impacting the child in all manner of ways. I would prepare yourself for the worst as 2-3 litres of vodka daily surely must be end of the line, I cant imagine this could be physically sustained for any period

[Sssloou]

How are you doing OP? What will lockdown mean for any thoughts or decisions you are having?

[FastnetLundyRockall]

I'm the child of an alcoholic, several other alcoholics in the family, and two ex partners were alcoholics. My father only admitted his problem when in end stages of liver failure aged 53, first ex partner never did and died aged 45, second ex partner dead at 40 (suicide while drunk).
I really don't think there is a huge amount you can do, other than protecting yourself and dc from by leaving and getting some distance. This isn't something that anyone can make better apart from the alcoholic themselves.

[Ffsffsffsffsffs]

To walk away would be the hardest thing.

No, making the decision to walk away is the hardest thing. Then it's just taking one tiny step at a time.

Don't be me op. My exh drank an incredible amount when my dc was tiny - his behaviour and lack of involvement was a major factor in my pnd. I went on to have another dc and at about 34 weeks I gingerly enquired if he would condider cutting back so that he could drive me to hospital when I went into labour and was hit with a wall of abuse.

I stayed until that dc was 2yo. The decision to leave took a lot of time to make, and only now, 11 years later, can I look back and think I definitely did the right thing for me and the dcs.

He won't change op. You can't make him change. But you can make a better life for you and your dc.

[TwilightSkies]

Hope you are ok OP.

[Mix56]

well done, Iamhappysober !

[Mix56]

What makes me profoundly sad for you, is that both you & your son are going to pay the price for his denial, you know he is alcoholic, whether or not he has had a drink that hour/day or not, you know you can't leave your son alone with him, you dread coming home, your dread what your day will bring. Your life as it stands is broken.
Yet you are still not making decisions to protect yourself & your innocent child from his disease that will ultimately consume you all.
You must leave him, or he must leave. you can tell him you love him, but it is not possible to live like this, he must get help, he must go to the doctor, detox programme, AA. He must admit he has a life threatening problem, & he repeatedly isn't.
Your life matters, you are the only caring, functioning parent, & your child needs you safe & solvent.

[pointythings]

@iamhappysober well done and thank you for coming on here and giving us your point of view. I hope you make it - your insight gives you a better chance than most. My husband ultimately never accepted that he could never drink again.

My DSis' partner is another success story - but again he didn't get there by her enabling him, it took detachment, tough love and a lot of rebuilding. He's 10 years sober.

[AFitOfTheVapours]

Congrats on your 6 months sober @iamhappysober, that’s a brilliant achievement and to face up to things must be so hard to do. I have huge respect for you.

[Iamhappysober]

Hi op. I have name changed as I am ashamed, so completelydisgusted with myself.. I'm coming at this from the alcoholics pov. Me.

My DP after years of begging and trying to support me (never gave up alcohol for even 1 day in 5 years) one Monday morning very calmly told me he had packed my bag. He had threatened it before but as usual i just denied I had a problem and knew (thought) he didn't mean it. He did. He had me packed. He said I get help TODAY or I wasnt coming back and I'd never see the kids again as I was not to be trusted and he threw me out the door.

For a week or 2 before he found all my stashed (empty) bottles and lined them up. I felt just so utterly ashamed and disgusting but still didnt do anything about it.

I am sober 6 months now. In a completely different place with everything

It's my story in brief and may not be a road that will work but do not put up with this behaviour any longer. He knows damn well and you have every right to show him the door for you and your childs sake.

Ps honestly SOME alcoholics do change but a few only

[pointythings]

@Florencex I'm sorry to hear about your sister, I really am.

But everything you said in your original post tells me you have not learned about detachment. You have not learned the lessons of being the relative of an alcoholic. You haven't let go of the co-dependence.

And so you are writing from the perspective of someone who remains enmeshed, and actively encouraging OP to remain enmeshed. Your advice was bad advice. You may well not have had good advice yourself, but that does not entitle you to pass on bad advice. I hope you will find bereavement support for yourself, preferably with some specialist input because of your situation, and I hope you can let go of your sister in a loving way - but you absolutely should not offer advice on alcohol threads until you have reached the point where you have detached with love from your sister's memory.

[Florencex]

@pointythings @attilathemeerkat

I have not said preserve the marriage at any costs.

I have also clearly said that he needs to want to change or it is a non starter.

[Florencex]

@pointythings

I thought OP was asking for thoughts from people with experience.

Shame on me. My sister died (very young) from alcohol abuse only a few weeks ago. I am glad you think I should be ashamed of myself, because it took a great deal for me to comment on a thread like this. I am sat here in tears now but you can be happy to know I will never try to contribute to an alcohol related thread again. Well done for keeping mumsnet safe.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

florencex

"I would probably start with Al anon for yourself and see if there are ways you can help him to recognise his problem".

OP is now attending Al-anon meetings. It is NOT her job either to see if there are ways she can help him to recognise his problem. The only person too that can help her H is his own self. OP too also grew up with an alcoholic parent and it is sadly of no real surprise to me anyway that she went onto marry an alcoholic herself.

And why should not she have the option here (realistically the only one open to her now) to leave her alcoholic H?. Preserving your marriage at all costs is not a wise or even a necessary course of action. All this stuff you write too about "not throwing in the towel" smacks of the sunken costs fallacy and that causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. What is forgotten here is that the damage has already been done.

[pointythings]

Florencex if you had read the full thread, you would know that this has been going on for years and that OP's OH has already been at death's door once - and has minimised it. It isn't her job to rescue him, it's his. It's her job to protect their child, which she does by ending the marriage. She has been at this for years. How many years do you think is long enough for a spouse to suffer before calling it quits?

Do you know what I hate? The 'preserve the marriage at all costs' brigade. The ones who guilt trip spouses into staying in an awful situation because 'he can't help it'. If you have experience then you must know that the relapse rate among alcoholics is awful and that the majority of them don't make it. And you want to put OP through that? Shame on you.

[Florencex]

Yes I have experience of this. Your husband cannot help having a dependency on alcohol, but he can, with huge amounts of help, make choices not to let it overtake his life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and the increase in consumption you have seen over time is what happens. Your husband is an alcoholic. He doesn’t need to cut down, he needs to stop, 100%.

I hate that people immediately say leave him and it won’t get any better. There are millions of addicts living in recovery, I don’t think you need to throw in the towel straight away, you wouldn’t if he announced he had cancer. And anybody that says getting cancer isn’t a choice, please know that alcoholism isn’t a choice either. Being an alcoholic is utter shit and nobody would choose it.

But there is only hope if your husband acknowledges the problem and recognises it needs to change. Step one of the twelve steps to recovery is recognising that there is a problem. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable”.

You cannot force him to recognise this unfortunately. I would probably start with Al anon for yourself and see if there are ways you can help him to recognise his problem. Do you think he might be willing to read about addiction? Do you think you could ask him to attend an AA meeting? There are a lot of zoom meetings at the moment so less daunting than walking into the local community centre?

[AFitOfTheVapours]

Well done for telling someone in real life Ruthie. I think that’s one of the most important steps to take. You really do sound like you’ve turned the corner and are looking at this all in a different light. Hopefully, a good therapist will be able to help you organise your thoughts for moving on and away from your current situation.

[Blueberries0112]

Friday the 13th

[Ruthietuthie]

@Opentooffers, your comment, that even when faced with the possibility of death, my husband still denies he has a problem, really hit home.
Our neighbor had to do CPR. I thought he was dead. But afterwards, he was only angry that I had embarrassed us by calling the ambulance, as it "wasn't a big deal."
I am glad you found that good space for your son. I am sorry your ex-husband died.

[Ruthietuthie]

@Sssloou, thank you for your thoughtful words. I do need to find that space of clarity and focus, focus that isn't on my husband and worrying about what he will do next, whether he is lying, whether he has been drinking.
I told a dear friend what happened today. I had kept it to myself entirely (lying about what caused his hospitalization back in August/September). It feels better to get it out. She was shocked. From the outside, I had kept up the pretense that everything was perfect.

[Ruthietuthie]

Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful comments. And I am so sorry for all of us who have had to go through this, whether as spouses or as children of alcoholic parents.
I am in a different time-zone, so I am not sure quite what @Louiselhrau said, but thank you for all those who pointed out that I really have been committed, and taken marriage seriously, but that there comes a point where, for the sake of my child, I just can't stay.
The house is in both our names, and in an area where houses sell very quickly (very hight demand, with little inventory). I am beginning to put next steps in place.
For now, I am just doing a little at a time, focusing on my son, will keep going to Al-anon meetings. I have also begun to look for a therapist, as this has brought up so much pain for me, both pain over what has happened to our marriage, and pain looking back to what happened to me as a child. Above all, my son's welfare is my concern.

I really appreciate EVERYONE who has responded so kindly, Thank you.

[Sssloou]

Al - Anon support you to “detach with love”.

This is the best thing that you can do for each of you in this situation.

You need to step away and recognise where your current actions facilitate and enable him to continue to drink. Doing this means he may hit rock bottom and change with professional support over the long term. You are not professionally or emotionally equipped to turn this around, in fact your involvement is inadvertently counter productive. You will see this (your codependency! once you get involved with Al-Anon also Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Your child is the biggest victim here, his dad is not emotionally present, available or contributing to his childhood development. It’s not just an absence / neglect - there is real risk and proactive deep damage going on here as well. You child needs protecting from his detrimental force in his life 24/7.

Beyond that he has also lost the care and parenting he needs from his mother - because you are depressed, exhausted, physically distracted and mentally preoccupied by your DH. This overwhelm and consumption of your headspace is even impacting your job. So where is the space for calm, confident, gentle, consistent, attuned emotional focus and patient interaction with your child.

You can’t be in two emotional places at once, you have finite energy and headspace - conserve it, prioritise it and give it to your child. They need this for their emotional growth. You know that this situation wrecks you for your whole life. Spare your child the life you have lived. He doesn’t need to loose both his parents to the alcoholic system.

Find your purpose and find the support to restore your energy and clear your headspace so that you can focus on the right person - ie your child - not your DH.

Have you friends and family you can speak with in real life? You just need one trusted person to open up to for now.

[Opentooffers]

I really think you should take steps to separate from him to protect your DS. I left my alcohol dependent DP when my son was 3 for his protection. His father was open about his drinking, never denied it, so your DH has a long way to go. Even when faced with possibility of death, your DH has not accepted it, you can't get a more stark message than that and still he won't address it, so it shows that it's either going to take some miracle ( these rarely happen) or nothing will change him - in which case death may follow, and does for many.
My son's father died when he was 48, my DS was 13, I'm glad I'd got out 10 years before. Happily, my son is fab and well-adjusted lad, a little more mature for his years maybe. Be prepared that sometimes, nothing can be done to solve it. Ex-P had a stint in rehab, that didn't work either.

[fiestatime]

I should have also said that even as a very young child I could see what was happening and I believed it was my fault.