Tinder app appears on my phone - bf doesn't believe me

[coffeecroissant]

Hello all,

Something rather strange happened this evening. My partner arrived home from work very angry.

According to him I've downloaded Tinder, or used Tinder in the time I've had an android phone (which is the time I've been with him, when I used Tinder I had an iPhone). I was shocked because I haven't used Tinder for at least six years, before I met him, but he showed me the suggested apps in the Google Playstore and there it is, ready to be installed (along with Bumble, which I've never used in my life). I've been with him for four years.

Can these popular apps be suggested to anyone who fits the right demographic (mid 20's etc)? Really puzzled and my bf is really angry. My Phone's a Huawei if that makes any difference!

[TwentyViginti]

notagoat what was the final straw for you, and how did he take the split?

[notagoat]

Twentyviginti by the time it had got to that point he had started being verbally abusive, I guess I couldn't handle being spoken to like shit and constantly accused of things I wasn't doing. Life had become miserable.
By the time we split I had made my life very small to accommodate him and avoid any potential arguments. Not seeing friends etc. The split was stressful and he bombarded me with lots of angry abusive messages. Now Im free, I can't believe I lived like that.

[coffeecroissant]

@notagoat

My recent ex was like this, the exact same thing even down to the suggested apps on google play store. It escalated in the end to where he would basically time how long it took me to go anywhere and I found out he had been leaving his phone at home to record me. Just leave now, honestly it won't get better.

Notagoat oh I'm so sorry for you that sounds awful :(

Thanks for your advice, I'm starting to realise what I need to do

[coffeecroissant]

@notagoat

Twentyviginti by the time it had got to that point he had started being verbally abusive, I guess I couldn't handle being spoken to like shit and constantly accused of things I wasn't doing. Life had become miserable.
By the time we split I had made my life very small to accommodate him and avoid any potential arguments. Not seeing friends etc. The split was stressful and he bombarded me with lots of angry abusive messages. Now Im free, I can't believe I lived like that.

Oh that sounds so similar to me :( well done for getting out

[Sparklfairy]

By the time we split I had made my life very small to accommodate him and avoid any potential arguments. Not seeing friends etc.

@notagoat I did exactly the same. Avoided doing anything or going anywhere that he might sulk or kick off about because he was so damn insecure.

[TwentyViginti]

Thanks, notagoat. I can imagine the abusive messages.

OP and her OH seem to be in the earlier stages of this. She can see now how it can (and most likely will) pan out if she stays. No friends. Verbal abuse. A very small life.

[Giraffey1]

That is such a good description of how it feels when you are in an unequal relationship... making g my live so very small to accommodate him.
Don’t let this be you, OP.

[HadAGutful]

Hope you’re doing ok, OP! Sorry you’re going through this. The accusation is garbage and he actually knows that, he just doesn’t care. Be aware he may act nice for a little while if he thinks you’re breaking up with him, and may pull all sorts of shit to try to convince you that you’re somehow in the wrong, or make you feel sorry for him, or that he’ll change.
Guys like this rarely change. They gradually acclimatise you to put up with more and more abuse by keeping you confused and constantly on the back foot. Fast forward 20 years and you’re living a very small life, walking on eggshells and he’s abusing your teenage daughters in the same way.

You might find the book “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft helpful.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@coffeecroissant

Twenty, Dery:

Yes I think he is controlling, he gives me a hard time if I see friends that he doesn't like, or if I change my plans and do something different with friends when he's not there. But it's never too bad, it's the kind of thing that once in a while you could let it go but it's been happening more and more frequently.

I guess it just took this situation to put things into perspective.

Controlling and abusive behaviour doesn't usually stay at a constant level - it escalates. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
Right now he's being controlling (checking your phone) and emotionally abusive (accusing you of cheating, refusing to accept reasonable explanation, punishing you by ignoring you)
The only sane course of action for you is to leave him. Not immediately I'm sure but the relationship needs to end or you will really suffer.

[isthismylifenow]

How arw you today OP?

Have you managed to find out how he accessed your phone?

[missbipolar]

Was it on the suggested apps of your home screen or the suggested apps of your app library? (Yes this makes a difference) and have you always used the same account for app downloads

[Ce7913]

"Suggested for you" is literally an advertisement function on Google play.

The algorithm is informed by popular apps in your local area, popular apps in your demographic, apps which your contacts (and even their contacts) have downloaded or gave a +1 on Google Plus, etc.

...None of which matters, because your boyfriend is a sneaky controlling tool and apparently a waste of neurons. Who is at best spying on you and at worst probably cheating himself AND spying on you.

FWIW, my 'suggested apps' are:
Tinder (never used - 11 year relationship)
PlentyOfFish (also never used; I have my fish)
Disney+ (I'm 37, no kids)
TikTok (Ha!)
Instagram (I literally currently have this app already)
Steak Mate (I've been a strict vegetarian for 25 years!)

[Ce7913]

In fact, in my "suggested for you" at literally has the green 'Ads' symbol next to it. The appearance of this symbol or lack thereof may be dependent upon your phone model, your region, your android version or google play version, etc.

[Vik1ng]

He’s putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5! I’d be wondering why. Has he downloaded tinder himself, deleted it and then found it is a suggested app for him? Therefore he thinks the same for you? And if so, it could actually be him who is the lying cheat. Or it could be he downloaded tinder to check if you were on there.

[MedusasBadHairDay]

It sounds so much like my ex. He used to make accusations that were clearly untrue, and any attempt to prove I was innocent were ignored. Looking back, I don't think he believed the accusations himself, I think they were just leverage so I'd agree to further restrictions in my life. Eg. giving him my email password to "prove" I was faithful, not going out without him, but seeing friends he deemed a bad influence.

Be safe OP, you deserve better.

[EmbarrassedUser]

My suggested ones are Adventure capitalist and Tamagotchi forever Seems very random. Could make quite a funny thread!

[notawittyname1954]

God I'm boring. Obviously too old for a sex life. All my suggested apps are banking and Lidl and Deliveroo. With tiktok thrown in. Quite disappointed!

On a serious note I would be annoyed that somehow he has been checking your phone.

[Whiskyinajar]

Tell him to get lost. How long is your contract on this rental?

[coffeecroissant]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your messages.

I've just spoken with a friend and they agree that it's strange, both that the app is there but also that my bf knew it was there.

My friend suggested that it might be a way of him trying to get out of the relationship without being the 'bad guy', because he's just turned 30 and is under pressure from his mother to marry someone from the same background.

I think our relationship obviously has many more issues than just this app. I'll try and speak to him this evening about where he sees this relationship going, but I think I know that I'm going to have to start looking for a new place.

Luckily we don't have a contract, it's more like an indefinite rental. But I don't live in the UK and it's notoriously hard to get a place to live, even a sub-letted apartment, so that's going to be a challenge!

[Dontletitbeyou]

It’s a shit way to live , with someone who snoops on you behind your back. Levels false accusations at you and is basically thick enough to not understand the term ‘suggested’. Time to move on methinks

[MyLifeWTF]

I dont know if it's been said yet but when you use the same email to set up your phone as previous phones, the apps you've previously downloaded would be in your library so perhaps you downloaded it years ago, that would explain that part but how he knew that is strange.

[DC3Dakota]

Everything ok OP?