Tinder app appears on my phone - bf doesn't believe me

[coffeecroissant]

Hello all,

Something rather strange happened this evening. My partner arrived home from work very angry.

According to him I've downloaded Tinder, or used Tinder in the time I've had an android phone (which is the time I've been with him, when I used Tinder I had an iPhone). I was shocked because I haven't used Tinder for at least six years, before I met him, but he showed me the suggested apps in the Google Playstore and there it is, ready to be installed (along with Bumble, which I've never used in my life). I've been with him for four years.

Can these popular apps be suggested to anyone who fits the right demographic (mid 20's etc)? Really puzzled and my bf is really angry. My Phone's a Huawei if that makes any difference!

Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies.

To my knowledge he doesn't have access to my Gmail account. I'm just super lost.

I told him: 'I have never downloaded Tinder, ever, end of story.' I told him that he could see in his own library, but he refused to look.

He then told me that phones don't work like that, and won't show any applications unless you've specifically downloaded them in the past. He flat out refused to consider that phones show you apps to get you to download them.

Am I missing something? The app in question is undownloaded, but appears in my library (along with other apps I've never used, even on an iPhone).

@Sillybilly5

Go in to your play store. At the top right corner your initial will be there click on it. You should see your name and email. If there is any other name/email too (your boyfriends) then he can do the same on his phone and see what apps you have also probably can see your emails too, so when he clicks on his initial your email comes up, he clicks on it and can see your apps and recent downloads/removed. Also possibly your emails too. All he has to know is your sign in for Google play.

Thank you for the tip, Sillybilly. I've checked it out but there's only my personal account.

He then told me that phones don't work like that, and won't show any applications unless you've specifically downloaded them in the past. He flat out refused to consider that phones show you apps to get you to download them.

I thought you said he wasn't tech savvy? He sure doesnt know a lot!!

Absolute twat. He's 100% wrong.

GET A PASSCODE ON YOUR PHONE

NoT sorry for shouting...

Paranoid boyfriend or not, it is a terrible idea to have a smartphone and not lock it.

So change your passwords for everything. Don't use the same one and make them random and hard to guess. Use an password storage app if you think you'll forget them and don't tell him the code for the password storage app.

Given that many of us use banking on our phones and have a lot of person info on it and stay logged in to apps like Facebook and have the browser save passwords, a passcode should be the norm and common sense, phones get lost and stolen. If the reason you don't have your phone passcode protected is because he will think it's a sign of being up to good like I see a few people say on here then I'd ignore him and protect your phone anyway.

@Sparklfairy

He then told me that phones don't work like that, and won't show any applications unless you've specifically downloaded them in the past. He flat out refused to consider that phones show you apps to get you to download them.

I thought you said he wasn't tech savvy? He sure doesnt know a lot!!

Absolute twat. He's 100% wrong.

Yes Sparkl I thought so! He's usually someone pretty smart, I can't help thinking that he knows it's not true and is just disagreeing to make me feel guilty for something I have not done!

And I know YouUnlockedTheGateAnd , I did have one until a couple of weeks ago! Will definitely put it back on straight away

OP, is this the first time your boyfriend has behaved this way?

There's no point getting into any back and forth about the algorithms that dictate what you see online – this kind of behaviour is full of red flags.

The accusations, the unwillingness to have a discussion, the gaslighting, the snooping...

The app is a red herring – it gets you focused on something insignificant and on the back foot trying to defend yourself while he asserts his control.

You need to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that this kind of behaviour will not fly, otherwise you can expect far more of this in your future with him.

For someone who isn't tech savvy he seems to know a lot. It's telling that he won't show you his own App Library too. Wonder if he's like those men who accuse their partners of shagging around when he's the one sneaking about.

If I log into my gmail account I get "shag uk" ads at the top of my inbox. I've been married 20 years and I have member used hook up sites, if my husband thought it ok to sneak into my account behind my back and then get angry with me over a recommended advert I'd genuinely want to divorce him.

You having a wild past means nothing. You're allowed a life before him and if he doesn't trust you to the point he's snooping through your App Store then you really do deserve better.

@ladybee28

OP, is this the first time your boyfriend has behaved this way?

There's no point getting into any back and forth about the algorithms that dictate what you see online – this kind of behaviour is full of red flags.

The accusations, the unwillingness to have a discussion, the gaslighting, the snooping...

The app is a red herring – it gets you focused on something insignificant and on the back foot trying to defend yourself while he asserts his control.

You need to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that this kind of behaviour will not fly, otherwise you can expect far more of this in your future with him.

Ladybee -

He's a very headstrong person but this is the first time he's been so blatant.

I see all the alarm bells. I think it takes a situation like this to put things into perspective. I know if my sisters or girl friends had a partner who acted like this, I would tell them immediately that the partner's behaviour is unacceptable.

I guess I'm wondering how to proceed now, I'm not a very assertive person. If he doesn't accept that he could be wrong, how can I let him know that it's not acceptable?

OP stop worrying about and dump him. He's doing you a massive favour but showing you his character. You DO NOT want to spend any more of your life with a person like this!

Oh dear. There might be another explanation for this but you would need to ask an expert really to see if I'm right. If you've signed up to apps using gmail, for example, and he's on Gmail too, your phones could be synchronizing.......when my partner has watched something on YouTube, and it can be quite specific, I can get recommend that videos or similar ones to it. It just depends on what your privacy settings are and who has used what on a device. He might have been the one on websites or searching for things that suggests to Google that he's single :/

I guess I'm wondering how to proceed now, I'm not a very assertive person. If he doesn't accept that he could be wrong, how can I let him know that it's not acceptable?

You leave him.

I know it's advice that's commonly dished out but if he won't accept it's a shitty way to treat someone you love. Your choices are put up with making you feel guilty for something you haven't done, or leave him.

I guess I'm wondering how to proceed now, I'm not a very assertive person. If he doesn't accept that he could be wrong, how can I let him know that it's not acceptable?

Well you can either tell him to fuck off and block him.

Or you can say he's 100% wrong with his tech knowledge and to research it properly and not to contact you until he's done that and ready to apologise for his spectacular ignorance and paranoia. Then leave the ball in his court but he will know you won't stand for this shit.

@D00MGL00M

For someone who isn't tech savvy he seems to know a lot. It's telling that he won't show you his own App Library too. Wonder if he's like those men who accuse their partners of shagging around when he's the one sneaking about.

If I log into my gmail account I get "shag uk" ads at the top of my inbox. I've been married 20 years and I have member used hook up sites, if my husband thought it ok to sneak into my account behind my back and then get angry with me over a recommended advert I'd genuinely want to divorce him.

You having a wild past means nothing. You're allowed a life before him and if he doesn't trust you to the point he's snooping through your App Store then you really do deserve better.

Yes I agree completely DoomGloom.

I feel like this could be a pivotal moment in my life and our relationship. I know it's so out of order. If he doesn't admit to having made a mistake, I guess it sets a precedent for the rest of our relationship where he is able to accuse as he likes with no reason.

It must be quite random with what it suggests. Just checked mine and there are no dating apps suggested though (I've been married 13 years so never used a dating app)

Thank you everyone -- I know I can count on Mumsnet posters to give it straight.

I think I know what I need to do. Would be a lot simpler if we didn't live together! I'm studying at the moment so money is really tight, even with the rent split between two.

Has he found the app in your library or suggested apps?
Library is apps you have downloaded in the past, hes right that an app wont appear in your library without downloading it. But if its coming up as recommeneded or suggested thats basically just popular apps

Either way hes been snooping

@DanceThen

Has he found the app in your library or suggested apps? Library is apps you have downloaded in the past, hes right that an app wont appear in your library without downloading it. But if its coming up as recommeneded or suggested thats basically just popular apps

It's in my library... that's why I was really confused. But I've never downloaded it with an android phone, only with an iPhone which was before I met him.

But there are also loads of other apps that I have never ever used, even on iPhone, that also pop up in my library, like bumble, snapchat and bbc media player :/

There's YouTube's on how to run android software on a PC and I'd say even if he's not tech savvy, these vids are very easy to follow.

I recently had to do it myself (not to check my husbands phone) because I wanted to play among us on my iMac and I used something called Blue Stacks, logged into my google play account and installed among us in what's basically a mini version of an android phone running on my iMac.

It's really not difficult to do at all. It sounds OTT but the snoopers don't usually go straight to your AppStore history and the fact he's got angry at work instead of before leaving suggests he's accessed your account at work rather than by snooping in your phone during the night. Or he'd have had a go first thing.

Have you directly asked him how he knows what's on your recommended? I use an iPhone but keep an android too, I've attached a photo of what's on my library and they're all apps I've never installed. Ever.

Library is apps you have downloaded in the past, hes right that an app wont appear in your library without downloading it.

He's not right. I've just looked on my library and the top three apps are ones I've never installed or purchased.

I've just checked my Suggested for you in the Play Store and I see it says 'Ads' next to it, so I assume the firms have paid for their app to be advertised to you

My list is Uber Eats (never used Uber anything in my life), Tiktok (I'm 48, surely not the target market), Insta, Disney+ which I actually already have on the phone, PensionBee (what's that), Snoop (looks terrifying) and a bit further along is Bumble - been married for more than 15 years.

You're right, this is a pivotal moment. If you accept this, he will know he can go further next time.

@D00MGL00M

There's YouTube's on how to run android software on a PC and I'd say even if he's not tech savvy, these vids are very easy to follow.

I recently had to do it myself (not to check my husbands phone) because I wanted to play among us on my iMac and I used something called Blue Stacks, logged into my google play account and installed among us in what's basically a mini version of an android phone running on my iMac.

It's really not difficult to do at all. It sounds OTT but the snoopers don't usually go straight to your AppStore history and the fact he's got angry at work instead of before leaving suggests he's accessed your account at work rather than by snooping in your phone during the night. Or he'd have had a go first thing.

Have you directly asked him how he knows what's on your recommended? I use an iPhone but keep an android too, I've attached a photo of what's on my library and they're all apps I've never installed. Ever.

Hi Doom Gloom, yes I asked him and he refused to answer. He just said that it's not the point. He also refused to show me his play store account ( I usually don't care what apps he has, but since he was accusing me of having downloaded Tinder I wanted to show him that he could also have strange apps in his library! )

He's just staying in our room and not speaking to me.

“I guess it sets a precedent for the rest of our relationship where he is able to accuse as he likes with no reason.”

Yes - either he backs down or you bin him. Accusing you of cheating and refusing to hear explanations as to why you haven’t sounds like he’s laying the groundwork for future abuse: demanding you prove your loyalty by not going out, dressing a certain way, doing as he tells you, verbally and perhaps physically roughing you up a bit if you don’t capitulate etc.

If this is out of character and a one-off, you may be able to move beyond it but there are lots of red flags here.

“He's just staying in our room and not speaking to me.”

Fine. Leave him to stew. Are you safe? Has he been physically violent before?