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Relationships

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Original poster

My ex wants to have a baby with me ... am I crazy that I'm thinking about it?

92 replies

Natasa4 · 26/10/2020 16:26

We have been together for a year and it's been almost a year since we broke up. We have met 5-6 times after breaking up and kept contact almost every day.

I'm almost 40 and he is at his 40's and we both want to have kids ...

We do love each other, but we also do understand we cannot be together, at least not at the moment.

We met a few days ago and he told me that he wants to have a kid with me. I started thinking about it, but decided I should stop as I am just hurting myself and maybe the main reason I am considering it is because he broke my heart.

We met again today and he explained that he really wants it and he was thinking about it for a year now. He believes I would be a great mother, as I am a great person and he will always be there for his kid.

I know he will always be there for his kid and being 40 and still single.. am I crazy that I am thinking about it?

OP posts:

Horseradish01 · 26/10/2020 16:28

Why are you good enough to have his kid but not be together?

ivfbeenbusy · 26/10/2020 16:29

I think it would be selfish to bring a child into this situation where you're not even together sorry OP

Coldwinds · 26/10/2020 16:30

Aw he wants an incubator. Are you rent a womb?

Go and look at the freedom program.

MingeofDeath · 26/10/2020 16:30

So he want's to use you as a brood mare? You would be insane to even consider this, you are exes for a reason.

StartingGridGo · 26/10/2020 16:30

Yeah you're crazy.

And I can guarantee he wants to make a baby the "traditional" way.

Go to a sperm bank if you're desperate for a baby.

Better a completely anonymous father to your child, than one who broke your heart and has kept you on the back-burner (therefore ensuring you can't move on) ever since. He'll treat your child exactly the same, dipping in and out of your lives when it suits.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2020 16:32

Do not bring a child into this mess. He is only thinking of his own self here and you need to completely cut all contact with him. All this contact with him post break up is stopping you from meeting someone else and properly moving on.

PicsInRed · 26/10/2020 16:33

There are background reasons for your breakup and "why you cant be together" that you aren't revealing as you know they would answer the question "why not?".

Don't do it.

Original poster

Natasa4 · 26/10/2020 16:34

We have tried to be together and he has a totally different view on relationships than me. He has been married and divorced before and now he has a certain view of how relationships should be, so that he will not get himself in the same situation as his previous marriage. I'm more of a romantic and giving person and believe that everything can be solved if you love each other (really generically speaking ... I know that in reality not everything can be fixed)

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 26/10/2020 16:35

Absolutely terrible idea. I assumed that you were going to say you already had a child together, in which case I would still have thought it was a bad idea but could have seen why you'd consider it. Tying yourself to this man permanently would be a massive mistake. If you want a child and are willing to go it alone then go to a sperm bank, if what you really want is a partner and child then a) that isn't what he's offering and b) this contact with him is actively impeding the chances of that happening by stopping you moving on.

Tamingofthehamster · 26/10/2020 16:36

Tbh, if I was single and 40 and financially secure I’d probably go for it just to give myself the best chance of gaving a child.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/10/2020 16:37

@Natasa4

And how will these beliefs fit in with having a baby with him?

If you had no feelings for him then that would be one thing. But having a baby with a man that you still have feelings for feels like a recipe for pain.

VodselForDinner · 26/10/2020 16:37

So you don’t think he’s good enough for you to have as a partner, but you’ll lumber some poor child with a commitment-phobe as a father?

That’s one of the most selfish things I’ve ever heard.

CuppaZa · 26/10/2020 16:38

Depends if you’ve been desperate to have a child or not

Hardbackwriter · 26/10/2020 16:39

@Natasa4

This sounds like you're still being very euphemistic but in any case, it's a huge sign that you couldn't successfully co-parent, either. From what I've seen successful non-romantic co-parenting actually takes a lot more compromise and consideration than maintaining a romantic relationship does. Differences in parenting approach are really tough to navigate even for really good, strong couples. If he wasn't willing to compromise his view on how a relationship should be run I'm guessing that you'd find there was a huge amount you couldn't compromise on about parenting.

sunshinesupermum · 26/10/2020 16:39

Yes you are crazy to contemplate this. Sorry but a child is not just for Christmas/to please an ex partner - you'll be left to bring it up as a single mum - not that it is a bad thing but you'll be doing it for all the wrong reasons. If you want a child of your own despite you not being good enough for its father, then have one but do so with your eyes wide open.

Joistlooking · 26/10/2020 16:42

I don't think you are crazy for wanting a child, but if you are not in a committed relationship I fear your future may be paved with tears.

If you are seriously considering this - imagine the worst case scenario and plan for that. I read from your post, that he is 40 and still single, if that is the case I would be wary, he may be afraid of commitment and raising a child is a big commitment . He may be a good guy but do you know him well enough to be confident he will continue to support you. If you choose bring a child into this relationship it is a lifetime commitment for both of you, children don't stop needing you when they are 18. Good Luck with your decision.

TwentyViginti · 26/10/2020 16:43

Batshit. Why would you saddle yourself with this ex in your life, calling the shots for at least another 18 years? That's if he DOES stick around for it.

Bridecilla · 26/10/2020 16:44

If I was 40 and really wanted a child then I'd do it. I'd not sleep with him though

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/10/2020 16:44

Not entirely crazy but maybe blinkered - he will be a single man and you will be pregnant and then taking on the majority of a child. So he still has fun and dates and you get the leg work. As long as you understand that, do what you like.

SunshineCake · 26/10/2020 16:44

Selfish on both your parts.

UnicornAndSparkles · 26/10/2020 16:45

Awful idea, sorry OP. If you want a baby go to a sperm bank. Sounds like you and him aren't compatible so why would you try to raise a child together?

huuskymam · 26/10/2020 16:59

As my mother would say, he's an ex for a reason, you just need to never forget those reasons. I wouldn't be having a child with him.

PancakesAndSyrup · 26/10/2020 17:03

You aren't crazy for wanting a child, but I think you would be to have a child in the situation you've described. Do you want to be tied to him for at least 18 years? You've said he has told you he would always be there for his child, but would you be happy to raise the child alone if he bailed on you?
You already said that he broke you heart and I feel like this situation could just lead to more heart break. Are you possibly considering it because you think having a child with him might make him change his view on making a commitment with you?

seensome · 26/10/2020 17:03

A single mum by choice is really hard work and will stop you enjoying your life and you'll be missing out on finding a suitable partner, his idea is crazy, don't let him hold you back a moment longer.

2bazookas · 26/10/2020 17:05

He's 40 and has already shown he can't sustain a relationship.. So he's going to be a useless dad.

Why would you choose to damage a child's whole life by inflicting a disneydad on it?

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