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Relationships

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Original poster

My ex wants to have a baby with me ... am I crazy that I'm thinking about it?

92 replies

Natasa4 · 26/10/2020 16:26

We have been together for a year and it's been almost a year since we broke up. We have met 5-6 times after breaking up and kept contact almost every day.

I'm almost 40 and he is at his 40's and we both want to have kids ...

We do love each other, but we also do understand we cannot be together, at least not at the moment.

We met a few days ago and he told me that he wants to have a kid with me. I started thinking about it, but decided I should stop as I am just hurting myself and maybe the main reason I am considering it is because he broke my heart.

We met again today and he explained that he really wants it and he was thinking about it for a year now. He believes I would be a great mother, as I am a great person and he will always be there for his kid.

I know he will always be there for his kid and being 40 and still single.. am I crazy that I am thinking about it?

OP posts:

mysticpistachio · 26/10/2020 17:06

God don't do that. And stop the contact. It will be stopping you meeting someone suitable.

Enough4me · 26/10/2020 17:09

No, no, no...you would tie yourself to him forever through your most precious person to you ever.

stillsomewhatsheldonesque · 26/10/2020 17:09

You both have different ideas how partnerships work - or should work.

It is entirely possible he would want to be the one calling the shots as a parent too.

I wouldn’t.

If he won’t compromise on a relationship, I think you are going to have a bloody awful time trying to co-parent.

Opaljewel · 26/10/2020 17:12

If this is last chance saloon to be a parent, I would do it but not as a couple Just coparent. If you feel you could do that

Hardbackwriter · 26/10/2020 17:15

@Opaljewel

If this is last chance saloon to be a parent, I would do it but not as a couple Just coparent. If you feel you could do that

But OP could just go to a sperm bank if she wants to go it alone, and have the same thing with a lot fewer problems. Her ex doesn't really have the same options unless he's rich enough to afford a surrogate, but that is very much not OP's problem.

Newnamenewopenme · 26/10/2020 17:19

I would do it! I’m desperate to have a baby, we’ve been trying for years. We aren’t entitled to ivf and I don’t like the idea of it anyway because of the getting my hopes up everytime, I don’t think we are cut out for adoption for various reasons.

If we split up I would just try get pregnant so I could have a baby, if the dad wanted to be involved that would be a bonus, but if not then I would be prepared to do it alone.

squee123 · 26/10/2020 17:21

There would be nothing to stop him claiming you're an unfit mother further down the line and going for full custody.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/10/2020 17:24

If you are at a stage where you really want a child and think you could do the bulk alone I would.
The chances of meeting someone to conceive with are slim if already 40.

Firefliess · 26/10/2020 17:24

I had a friend that did pretty much that, at the same sort of age as you. It didn't work out too badly for them all. They coparented a lot better than many I've known, because they went into the arrangement knowing that's what it would be from the start. I think the pregnancy and early baby bit were probably the hardest as everyone assumed they'd got back together and they had to keep explaining that they hadn't. If you're both really keen to be parents, have a plan for co-parenting, and don't mind putting any other relationship possibilities in hold for a year or two it could work.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/10/2020 17:25

There would be nothing to stop him claiming you're an unfit mother further down the line and going for full custody
There is nothing to stop any man making this accusation as long as OP isn't an unfit mother he wouldn't get full custody.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 26/10/2020 17:27

If he has different ideas of what a relationship should be like, imagine how different his ideas of parenting could be. Absolutely not fair to create a child to test out this experiment.

If you would be happy considering being a single parent, would you consider using a donor to have a child on your own? It would probably be a lot less complex than sharing custody with your ex, who you haven’t really known for that long.

category12 · 26/10/2020 17:27

He has been married and divorced before and now he has a certain view of how relationships should be, so that he will not get himself in the same situation as his previous marriage.

What does this actually mean? Was he controlling?

Initially I was thinking it could work, but what little you have said about your failed relationship together makes me think it's a big mistake.

If you want a child, go for a sperm donor, not him.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/10/2020 17:31

A sperm donor won't pay towards the DC's upbringing or give you time off.
I have friends who co-parent none planned this way but most work. The DC are loved by both parents.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/10/2020 17:38

Honestly not saying this is ideal but I would rather this than a sperm donor- least u know the other half of the child’s dna- you’d get a break when they take the child, they’d financially contribute

NewtoHolland · 26/10/2020 17:42

I think before you decide you have to think carefully about the possible outcomes, it's easy to just picture yourself with a baby from a baby advert...but if the baby had additional needs, or you had twins would you still feel secure in his support, and would you still want to be a mum in those situations? Do you share the same core values? If the scan showed a difference would you both feel the same about what you wanted to happen next? Xx

category12 · 26/10/2020 17:47

@EmeraldShamrock

A sperm donor won't pay towards the DC's upbringing or give you time off. I have friends who co-parent none planned this way but most work. The DC are loved by both parents.

No, but there's no guarantees this guy will do any of that either. Plenty of guys fuck off and pay nothing.

Plus if he's controlling or otherwise red flaggy, tying herself to him through a child would be a massive mistake.

RunBackwards · 26/10/2020 17:51

You really need to stop being in daily contact.

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2020 17:53

@Natasa4

We have tried to be together and he has a totally different view on relationships than me. He has been married and divorced before and now he has a certain view of how relationships should be, so that he will not get himself in the same situation as his previous marriage. I'm more of a romantic and giving person and believe that everything can be solved if you love each other (really generically speaking ... I know that in reality not everything can be fixed)

You'll be tied to him for the next 18 years minimum.

Will he want 50/50? Would you be happy with that?

Do you have the same values? Do you think you would have the same approach to child-rearing?

Are you utterly mad?

Wereeaglesdare · 26/10/2020 17:53

Being a single mum is so hard really think it through. For instance I can't pee, have a bath, sleep in my bed alone. I hear it gets easier like. You have to master alot of things one handedly. Sometimes your head is exploding but your the only one there to be relied on so you just have to carry on. I think it depends on how present he can be but if you have feelings it will just rip your heart out. It's hard seeing your ex holding your child and them laughing and playing and knowing that you have to shut the door on the family life you want. Shopping is hard, they don't make women with enough arms let me put it that way. And I say this because it's very fucking rare men pick up the slack.
Why is this good enough for you?,Find a man who will hold your hand throughout all of the pregnancy childbirth, toddler, teen years. You don't need this guy and his non comital sperm. You need to be confident that your too good for this and your happy ending is around the corner. I wouldn't change my child for everything and anything in the world but I wish I had found someone who could have supported me and gave me the love I needed who could put my DCto bed or bath her or take her out so I could grab Just one lie in!

Hardbackwriter · 26/10/2020 17:54

@EmeraldShamrock

A sperm donor won't pay towards the DC's upbringing or give you time off. I have friends who co-parent none planned this way but most work. The DC are loved by both parents.

I wouldn't be betting my future that this guy will, either. If OP can't afford to do it without him or doesn't think she could cope without having someone to share the work then that's a very good reason not to enter this arrangement, where all the risk is on her. Even if he starts off well there's no guarantee at all that will last, especially if/when he starts a new relationship with someone else.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/10/2020 17:56

At 40 I’d do it.

But the baby would have my name (essential) and the finances would be worked out with a solicitor In advance.

Hardbackwriter · 26/10/2020 17:58

The specific offer he seems to be making currently is that he will 'always be there for his kid', ie he is concretely promising fuck all.

goisey · 26/10/2020 18:03

He sounds like a classic Peter Pan bloke.
Doesn't want to grow up, wants his cake and eat it too.
If you can afford a baby, why don't you get a sperm donor?

Nicolastuffedone · 26/10/2020 18:07

You’re mad......

bpirockin · 26/10/2020 18:24

Perhaps because this is something I would have considered with a friend of mine, until some family health history put me off, I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand it seems bonkers. On the other, if you really want a child, can afford to have one, and manage as a single parent if necessary, then I'd say go for it - IF - you LIKE him and have similar values at least when it comes to parenting, but preferably generally. If you make great friends but poor partners, then I believe you can still be good role models for a child.

You both need to be honest about what works for you and what doesn't, and if you're hoping for more than he's willing or able to give, then you'd be signing up for a whole lot of heartache, and undoubtedly not giving a child the stability it deserves. There are worse things than being childless if it comes to it.

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