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Original poster

My ex wants to have a baby with me ... am I crazy that I'm thinking about it?

92 replies

Natasa4 · 26/10/2020 16:26

We have been together for a year and it's been almost a year since we broke up. We have met 5-6 times after breaking up and kept contact almost every day.

I'm almost 40 and he is at his 40's and we both want to have kids ...

We do love each other, but we also do understand we cannot be together, at least not at the moment.

We met a few days ago and he told me that he wants to have a kid with me. I started thinking about it, but decided I should stop as I am just hurting myself and maybe the main reason I am considering it is because he broke my heart.

We met again today and he explained that he really wants it and he was thinking about it for a year now. He believes I would be a great mother, as I am a great person and he will always be there for his kid.

I know he will always be there for his kid and being 40 and still single.. am I crazy that I am thinking about it?

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 27/10/2020 06:23

If you can't agree on level ground for a relationship how are you going to agree on parenting?

SpilltheTea · 27/10/2020 06:42

No way would I have a baby with him just because I was desperate for one. I'd adopt or get a sperm donor, not saddle myself with whatever man I could get for 18+ years. He's keeping you on the back burner and now he wants to use you as an incubator. What a guy. Ditch him so you can finally move on.

QueenoftheIceAge · 27/10/2020 07:33

If he meets someone and she wants to get involved in parenting your child, or he has a series of women through the door, would that be ok with you? It’s the situation I have as a single parent and it’s awful. I wouldn’t go for it by choice.

Tlollj · 27/10/2020 07:38

I never know why people keep in touch with their ex. I just don’t get it.
This is insane. You obviously still have feelings for him, because he’s keeping you hanging, being in touch everyday, meeting up.
Don’t do it, I think you’ll regret it.

Marlena1 · 27/10/2020 07:46

I don't think it's a terrible idea BUT he sounds quite selfish and self absorbed (seems this is all about what he wants and he has not shown he has the stamina for a relationship). You know from MN that being a mom is really hard. If you think you could do most/all on your own and you really want it, I would do it I think.

Marlena1 · 27/10/2020 07:47

The only thing I would be wary of is that you still love him. How would you feel about him and his gf picking up the baby for the baby?

Marlena1 · 27/10/2020 07:47

*sorry for the weekend

Twizbe · 27/10/2020 07:57

Also think, how will this baby be conceived? Will you become unprotected friends with benefits until you get pregnant? That will fuck with your mental health. It could take years to get pregnant, how long will you try for?
What if he gets a girlfriend during and no longer wants to do it?
What if you get a boyfriend and no longer want to do it?
You won't be able to undergo IVF for this situation so how will you say enough is enough?
Baby making sex gets boring fast even for couples

Persipan · 27/10/2020 08:14

The reason why you shouldn't do this is, you're still hung up on the guy.

I had a baby on my own, in my 40s, so clearly I'm not averse to non-traditional families. If two people not in a relationship decide to take their chance at parenthood, I do think that could potentially work, with a lot of work from both of them. In that circumstances I'd suggest they start with specialist counselling and specialist legal advice, well before making any attempt to conceive. If you do decide to explore the idea further, these are your next steps, and they shouldn't be rushed.

But, gently, you and he already can't maintain one sort of relationship, so there's no real reason to believe that you'd be able to navigate another, more complex one. And there are so many ways in which this could go wrong, ranging from him disappearing and leaving you literally holding the baby, to him being a constant and unwelcome presence in your life, for literally the rest of your life, disagreeing with you at every turn and potentially doing so through the courts.

If you, yourself, want to have a baby, have the means to support a family, and feel this is something you could do alone, then by all means go for it via a clinic, using a sperm donor. But having a baby with your ex, when you still have strong feelings for him and in spite of your very different outlooks on life, is a recipe for disaster.

ForTheLoveOfHalloween · 27/10/2020 08:23

@Natasa4 I think it's more workable than what other people are suggesting. If you go into it as singe people. Honest and open. Agree how you will work together. How you will split child care.

I think you'll be in a better position than some I know who have a baby in a failing marriage. Break up and then argue argue argue.

Or unplanned pregnancy, only wanted by one parent.

I think key would be to talk through how you'd do everything. How it would work if/when one/both of you meets someone else?

If you go into with your eyes wide open.

If the child is equally loved and wanted on both sides. Unconventional but not a terrible idea.

Hardbackwriter · 27/10/2020 08:50

The reason why you shouldn't do this is, you're still hung up on the guy.

This. A few people are giving advice as if OP were considering doing this with a platonic friend, but that's a completely different (and much better) situation than doing it with someone who you have romantic feelings for and hopes of getting back together with. OP says 'maybe the main reason I am considering it is because he broke my heart.' That isn't the basis for the sort of calm and positive co-parenting relationship that some people are lauding as better than co-parenting as a divorced couple - OP would essentially be deliberately choosing the divorced parents situation, knowing that she had strong and complicated feelings (and that this man sounds like no prize).

LilyLongJohn · 27/10/2020 09:04

If you want children, go it alone, don't bring in added complications by involving an ex

Mumoftwo1994 · 27/10/2020 10:56

@Natasa4

We have been together for a year and it's been almost a year since we broke up. We have met 5-6 times after breaking up and kept contact almost every day.

I'm almost 40 and he is at his 40's and we both want to have kids ...

We do love each other, but we also do understand we cannot be together, at least not at the moment.

I know he will always be there for his kid and being 40 and still single.. am I crazy that I am thinking about it?

This is basically having a child to fix a relationship that isn't working, except you aren't even together. Don't do this to a child it's gonna mess them up, if you want a baby have a sperm donor (my friends cousin did this and she's in her early thirties) or try to adopt.

waitrosetrollydolly · 27/10/2020 11:02

No - just no!

There's someone out there who will love you and it's not this twat.

Stop meeting him and block .

He's wasting your time.

He doesn't want you and he thinks by having his child no one else will want you ( stupid but that's the impression I'm getting from reading this) he's a user .

Next !

Lisa78Lemon · 27/10/2020 11:07

It would be something I would strongly consider if (and ONLY if) I desperately wanted a child.
One thing that would concern me would be not living with my child 50% of the time, especially when they're young (presumably this would be the arrangement).
You'd need great communication and the ability to act as a team under high pressure (what if child has health issues / SEN etc). Potential for disaster if you aren't able to get along when stressed.

MrsWooster · 27/10/2020 11:14

You sound as if you quite want to be together, and wonder if the baby might be glue...

if you know that you want a baby and would consider doing it alone via a donor, then consider his proposal but ONLY as a co-parent arrangement; it’s vanishingly unlikely that you’ll end up together but there are advantages to a ‘known donor’ sort of arrangement.

IceSkater · 27/10/2020 11:22

It's not the worst idea I've ever heard!

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