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Original poster

My ex wants to have a baby with me ... am I crazy that I'm thinking about it?

92 replies

Natasa4 · 26/10/2020 16:26

We have been together for a year and it's been almost a year since we broke up. We have met 5-6 times after breaking up and kept contact almost every day.

I'm almost 40 and he is at his 40's and we both want to have kids ...

We do love each other, but we also do understand we cannot be together, at least not at the moment.

We met a few days ago and he told me that he wants to have a kid with me. I started thinking about it, but decided I should stop as I am just hurting myself and maybe the main reason I am considering it is because he broke my heart.

We met again today and he explained that he really wants it and he was thinking about it for a year now. He believes I would be a great mother, as I am a great person and he will always be there for his kid.

I know he will always be there for his kid and being 40 and still single.. am I crazy that I am thinking about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Natasa4 · 26/10/2020 18:27

Thank you so much for all the answers.
I can read my thoughts exactly on every answer you have sent ...
I can see the logical side myself as well ... I guess I just needed to see everything written, as it makes it more real!
I just need to understand that if it did not work between us, it will be worse if we add a baby in our life ...
Hope I will find the strength and forget about it and about him soon. Just hoping I will not regret it in the future ...

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 26/10/2020 18:32

I think it is possibll workable as long as you discuss every eventuality from the start. How would you arrange what time the child spends with each parent? Are you on the same page about the most important parts of child rearing? What happens if either of you meet another partner and want to live with them? Would you be happy for your child having a step parent (I hated my DD having a string of stepmothers!)? How do finances work, especially when you take maternity leave? What would you do if the child has a disability? Would you have the same stance on abortion if something goes wrong in the pregnancy?

There are a lot of things to consider.

Hardbackwriter · 26/10/2020 18:43

How would you arrange what time the child spends with each parent? Are you on the same page about the most important parts of child rearing? What happens if either of you meet another partner and want to live with them? Would you be happy for your child having a step parent (I hated my DD having a string of stepmothers!)? How do finances work, especially when you take maternity leave? What would you do if the child has a disability? Would you have the same stance on abortion if something goes wrong in the pregnancy?

The problem is that so many of those are either unknowable in advance (I would have given completely different answers to those when pregnant than I would now I'm a parent) or either partner could just change their mind without consequence. Which of course is true in every couple having a baby, but that's why you usually try and pick someone that you're compatible with in other areas, where you've successfully worked out other conflict and where you trust that you wouldn't hurt each other. This often doesn't work, but it feels very foolhardy to go into it knowing that none of these things are true, as OP does with this man. All of those things could be true with a close platonic friend, which is why I also don't think that's a good comparison.

PicsInRed · 26/10/2020 18:57

@Natasa4

We have tried to be together and he has a totally different view on relationships than me. He has been married and divorced before and now he has a certain view of how relationships should be, so that he will not get himself in the same situation as his previous marriage. I'm more of a romantic and giving person and believe that everything can be solved if you love each other (really generically speaking ... I know that in reality not everything can be fixed)
So...reading between the very rose coloured lines, he's selfish and avoidant?

He sounds fab, OP. Crack on for a miserable and lonely life.

SoloMummy · 26/10/2020 19:13

Personally, I think that the question you need to answer is, "Do YOU want a child?"
At 40,your options are significantly reducing in terms of finding a partner now and have time to procreate successfully.
Obviously you could go down the sperm donor route. It costs and there are benefits, likewise there are cons.
Personally, if you can talk through the nitty gritty as the previous poster suggested.

As someone who had a baby in later life, it sounds like it could be a now or never moment...

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 26/10/2020 19:20

Your ovaries are very hard to ignore as you approach 40.
If anything maybe this has sharpened your resolve to be a mum ? You could keep your options open and look at sperm donation. Do your research, weigh up the pros and cons .
Dont forget about your childcare situation for when you go back to work, can you afford full time nursery etc etc

lotsatoast · 26/10/2020 19:28

I don’t see what the problem would be, if you want a child that is. As long as you both get along as friends and have mutual respect for each other then I would your starting off on a better footing than lots of ‘couples’. At least your child will have both a mum and dad so I don’t think it’s anymore unconventional than going it alone. I say go for it OP.

lotsatoast · 26/10/2020 19:29

And I also think it’s less selfish to have a child this way than using a sperm donor.

Porcupineinwaiting · 26/10/2020 19:34

He has totally different ideas about relationships than you. What's the betting that this includes "how to be a parent"?

You'd be a damned fool to do this OP

AlreadyGone44 · 26/10/2020 19:52

Honestly if I was 40 and childless I'd seriously consider it, though I'd probably rather the sperm bank option.

But first if I was considering him as father Id want to sit down and have a frank discussion. I think you need to make it clear no sex, even for conception, muddies the water. I'd wany to know things like how he would expect the coparenting relationship to work. First year he'd only see bub in short regular visits, several times a week. Too much time away from primary caregiver isn't recommended. But post first year or two how would he see it working in terms of time and money inputs.
If he wants 50/50 would you be ok with that? Obviously he could walk away at any stage no matter what he says now, so could you do it alone? One big thing I'd ask is what type of discipline does he believe in. I spent over a decade with DH pre kids. We never discussed this stuff. I didn't find out he believed smacking was OK till he did it. I wouldn't have had kids with him if I'd known how he thought. Or that he thought certain behaviours were naughty and would be really close minded about SEN. That's a big one, what if your child is born disabled or has SEN? The majority of long term relationships break down in these situations. You'd need to be prepared to go it alone. 2 of my boys have SEN, actually 3rds probably heading for a diagnosis too. I knew it was a possibility but I never really considered how I'd cope. Think of all the questions you can, work out how you'd handle these things and discuss ever angle of coparenting with him you can think of. If you don't feel able to have big discussions with him than that's a giant red flag saying you won't be able to parent together. Good luck with whatever you decide.

EarthSight · 26/10/2020 20:17

To do something like you need to know you can function well as friends, as a team, and definitely get married first. It's extra important in this situation.

random9876 · 26/10/2020 20:46

Were you thinking about having a kid alone before the offer? That’s the thing here. If you were, then there are pluses and minuses to work through regarding ex v sperm donor. If you weren’t, you just really desperately need to work out what this is about from your own emotional point of view. I don’t think there’s a right answer here and it depends just as much if not more upon you than him. He sounds a bit of a wildcard in all this tbh. If as you say you are a romantic, can you reconcile that with the idea of being a single mum and not having the romance, and having him being a wildcard? How much do you want kids? Big questions really.

widespreadpanic · 26/10/2020 21:31

Eh, twenty years ago I would think this a looney idea but now in my old age I would do it. Especially if I wanted children and was in my 40s.

He seems like a stable guy and you get along, no different than divorced people that co-parent. so I would get legal documents drawn up to cover logistics, financial situations, and every possible scenario that may arise so that your bases are covered.

bloomety · 26/10/2020 21:37

Do you want a baby OP? This may be your last chance.

Ohhgreat · 26/10/2020 21:41

Go and watch The Duchess on Netflix. Seriously. Now.

WinWinnieTheWay · 26/10/2020 21:42

No. This guy had wormed his way into your head to suit himself.

Twizbe · 26/10/2020 21:49

Nope, terrible idea. Leave him and go NC! He is bad for you and having his baby is a TERRIBLE idea.

I actually can't say this strongly enough. THIS IS A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE IDEA.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2020 00:15

Why would you deliberately have a baby with someone who isn't your partner but will have a 50% say in everything related to your child?

What if, in 5 years time you realise you are polar opposites?

I cannot understand why it's even a consideration.

ClaryFairchild · 27/10/2020 01:43

If you were truly just friends you could make this work. But you're not just friends. You're in love with him and would love to be with him. You're setting yourself up for heartache.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 27/10/2020 02:11

Op you say 'if we don't work out' which makes me think you have some romantic notion that a child will bring you together. Having a baby is hard. Not just the baby stuff but your life is changed forever. Your career suffers, your finances suffer, your body suffers. Future relationships are harder. How will either of you feel if you meet someone else? Is he going to take a hit on his career too to raise a child? Are you expected to reduce your hours and income? At 40 your risk of complications are much higher and the risk of the baby having complications is higher too. What if there's an issue in the pregnancy. Are your views compatible? Will he support you if things don't go as planned? It's all very well being a weekend dad but he's not the sucker staying up all night wondering how life came to this. It sounds like he very much wants to keep you on a string. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. He talks to you every day even though he's clear he doesn't want a relationship? He is fucking with your head and your heart. I beg you to shut him out and move on.

As an aside (and I respect it is easy for me to say as I am blessed with children) there is a big part of me that envies you being 40 with your own home and free to make your own choices. There is real joy in not having children too. I wouldn't be without mine but it has been bloody tough. I'm nearing 40 and only just about to get on the property ladder. 20 years later than I could have if I didn't have kids, massively reduce my earning ability and damaging my career.

Think very hard before you consider having a baby and especially not with this guy.

Dontletitbeyou · 27/10/2020 05:26

If you really want a child , and you know the click is ticking ( sorry op , not trying to be hurtful) I would say you should consider it . But bear in mind that despite all the promises he will make about how much he will be there for you and DC, physically , emotionally and financially, the truth may be a different story .
You need to go into this eyes wide open , knowing that you could possibly be a full time single mum , with very little support from him .
You , I guess , have an advantage that you know what you are potentially getting into, whereas there’s sone women who are happily married and get caught out by DH opting out when a new baby arrives, iyswim
The only sticking point is if you still love him and are hoping this will bring him back to you . If that’s the reason I’d go with pp’s and say No ,it’s a terrible idea

Hopeisnotastrategy · 27/10/2020 05:57

Do not do this. He sounds like a complete egotist.

Islagray11 · 27/10/2020 06:12

I don't think you are completely mad for considering it.

If I was nearly 40 and really wanted a baby, then I would do it.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2020 06:19

Op are you considering it as a way to get back with him? Because that’s unlikely to work, and what will you do when he meets someone and falls in love? Would you still be considering this if he was with someone else?

Dhalia443 · 27/10/2020 06:23

I’d be tempted at 40.
However just imagine the baby is one year old and and he gets a new girlfriend. They want to play house....how do you feel then?

Then imagine the other fifty million differences you might have on child rearing.

Nightmare.