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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp ended it out of the blue

85 replies

1moreRep · 26/10/2020 16:14

So I can't believe I'm writing this. Last week I was literally daydreaming of dp proposing, and this morning he's told me he's really unhappy and is thinking about ending it. I've agreed to give him space but since then It's like he's had a personality transplant, become all mean, as if he's emotionally cut me off.

we own a house together (the sale of my last place was the deposit but we have a deed of trust to protect that money) have 2 dogs and I have 2 dds 11 and 9, from a previous relationship.

We both work and have alright jobs but I'm literally in my dream home and feel like he's pulled out the rug from under my feet. We only bought the house 15 months ago, and we're talking of marriage recently. I am just heartbroken

Shocked and trying to understand where this has come from

OP posts:
Original poster
1moreRep · 26/10/2020 16:16

I don't think there's another woman as we share our hobby and he would struggle to find time, but I asked him and he told me there wasn't.

I'm just gob smacked, he is moody and stone walked me this weekend and for once I hadn't done anything wrong so couldn't understand it then today ended it

OP posts:
Original poster
1moreRep · 26/10/2020 16:18

I feel like I'm falling and can't stop crying

He just has these standards I can't keep up with so says it's not fair to ask me to change and that he doesn't feel he wil eve be happy

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/10/2020 16:20

What standards can't you keep up with?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2020 16:20

I'm very sorry op, but so far he's following The Script to the letter. Him rewriting history will begin soon. I would bet there's another woman.

Anotheruser02 · 26/10/2020 16:21

He doesn't sound like a catch moody, stonewalling, high standards. It jumped out at me that you said 'for once I hadn't done anything wrong'. Does he usually make you feel like you have done things wrong?

SanFranBear · 26/10/2020 16:22

So sorry to hear this, 1morerep - it has obviously come out of the blue for you. But it does sound like hes known for some time he wants to end it - and whilst there may not be an OW, it is a common reason for such a sea change in his behaviour.

Mind you, he has standards? Sounds like a bit of a prick...

However, that doesn't help you now. Start making some lists; can you stay in the home without him? What benefits might you be entitled to?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2020 16:22

What is he unhappy about?. It sounds like he has checked out altogether so do not further do the pick me dance re him. If he wants space then tell him he can have this by moving out.

He has indeed pulled the rug from under your feet and I would seek legal advice re the property asap. Would it be possible going forward to make you the sole mortgage holder or would the house have to be sold?.

There is also the possibility he has met someone else.

StartingGridGo · 26/10/2020 16:23

Sorry this has happened to you.

People are entitled to end relationships if they're not happy. But it's crap for the person who wants the relationship to keep going.

The best thing you can do is ask him when he'll be moving out - after all, he needs space right?! Tell him it's not going to work for you having him still living "with space" while he's deciding if he's ending the relationship, he can do that elsewhere.

TwentyViginti · 26/10/2020 16:24

Oh just let the self obsessed arse go.

he is moody and stone walked me this weekend and for once I hadn't done anything wrong so couldn't understand it then today ended it

So he is a sulky, moody manchild with 'standards' you struggle to keep up with. He's no loss. You'll see that in time.

cherrybakewelllll · 26/10/2020 16:24

Guarantee there's another woman. He might not have actioned anything with her yet but he's thinking about doing so.

sonjadog · 26/10/2020 16:25

He is moody, stonewalls you, makes things your fault and has impossibly high standards? He doesn´t sound like a good guy at all. As much as you like your house, it isn´t enough to make it worth staying with someone who isn´t nice to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2020 16:25

What standards of his haven't you been able to and cannot keep up with?.

You have done nothing wrong here; this is all on him and this is no reflection whatsoever on you as a person. Look at the entitled to website re benefits.

TwentyViginti · 26/10/2020 16:28

@Anotheruser02

He doesn't sound like a catch moody, stonewalling, high standards. It jumped out at me that you said 'for once I hadn't done anything wrong'. Does he usually make you feel like you have done things wrong?
I'm betting the answer is yes. This type of man is often found in heart- rending threads here, with the OP struggling.
OhCaptain · 26/10/2020 16:29

What do you mean 'for once you haven't done anything wrong'?

CrimsonCattery · 26/10/2020 16:32

Hmm these standards sound like the key and the fact you feel a failure against them. Does he often punish you emotionally for not 'measuring up' because that sounds potentially abusive?

There is a difference e.g. if he wants a relatively calm, tidy house and does plenty of housework but you are messy and shouty then his standards are not unreasonable.

If, however, he requires you to always look perfect and slim and be a Stepford wife whereas you are just normal then he is the problem.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 26/10/2020 16:34

He does not sound like a great loss to me...

PicsInRed · 26/10/2020 16:49

we own a house together (the sale of my last place was the deposit but we have a deed of trust to protect that money)

Just wanted to say well done you for protecting yourself and your ability to provide for the kids. Good for you.

I'm afraid he does sound like one of those head-turned men. It will hurt so physically badly now, but it will prove to be for the best in the long run that you may walk away with your 2 girls by an ex and your deposit intact - and you can leave such a man properly behind you. Flowers

Mum4Fergus · 26/10/2020 16:57

He sounds like a big moody child! Do yourself and your DC a huge favour and end it while he just sits around 'thinking about ending it' - do not let him keep you dangling Thanks

Original poster
1moreRep · 26/10/2020 17:18

He has really high cleaning standards but we tend to do it together but often mine isn't right.

Used to be my appearance, as in effort made, then sex etc etc I do make an effort, I always initiate sex etc

OP posts:
Original poster
1moreRep · 26/10/2020 17:19

I know as I'm writing this how fucked up the relationship was/is - but I thought he was happy

He thinks we're more friends, but that's what a good relationship is based on right ?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 26/10/2020 17:24

He put you in a position of never being able to meet his standards and now he's
Taken your future your money and your kids home
He's been playing you from the start, and this is the next act in this abusers
Armoury.

He will grind you and the kids down until you barely exist unless he says so,
You need to make an exit plan.
You can't fight this battle so it's time to leave the field

10questions · 26/10/2020 17:27

He sounds horrible anyway.

TwentyViginti · 26/10/2020 17:29

@1moreRep

He has really high cleaning standards but we tend to do it together but often mine isn't right.

Used to be my appearance, as in effort made, then sex etc etc I do make an effort, I always initiate sex etc

Do not waste your life on placating this utter cunt.
Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2020 17:40

I would be asking him why he bothered to purchase a home with someone who is so obviously flawed and insufficient. Hmm

What an insufferable prick.

Nousernameforme · 26/10/2020 18:04

Hmm I could see this going a couple of ways, either this is him punishing you so that you "step up" and do things the way he wants in a couple of days he may come back and say that you can stay together you just have to be prepared to make the effort.

or, he has found someone else and wants to keep you hanging on whilst he sees where that is going.

Of course I could be wrong and it's just that he has had a rare moment of introspection where he can see that he is treating you awfully and that you would be better off without him but I doubt it.

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