Dp ended it out of the blue

[1moreRep]

So I can't believe I'm writing this. Last week I was literally daydreaming of dp proposing, and this morning he's told me he's really unhappy and is thinking about ending it. I've agreed to give him space but since then It's like he's had a personality transplant, become all mean, as if he's emotionally cut me off.

we own a house together (the sale of my last place was the deposit but we have a deed of trust to protect that money) have 2 dogs and I have 2 dds 11 and 9, from a previous relationship.

We both work and have alright jobs but I'm literally in my dream home and feel like he's pulled out the rug from under my feet. We only bought the house 15 months ago, and we're talking of marriage recently. I am just heartbroken

Shocked and trying to understand where this has come from

1 more rep you do not need to justify yourself.. or excuse his shitty behaviour. You are not a mug, I think many of us have labelled ourselves that because of what we have put up with. Love really made me do some crazy things i cringe at the thought of Now i wonder what the devil was i thinking!
Sometimes things happen for a reason even if it hurts like hell at the moment, i hope you will feel better in time. Lots of love x

He's nasty and controlling.

He's done you a favour.

Can you afford the house on your own?

5% abusive is enough to control somebody, so 10% is a scary amount. Your posts are showing how manipulated you are.

You will find yourself, your strength, your independence once he has gone. If he stays, it will be 15% abusive, now that he has tested the next level on you, then 20%. How safe are your daughters from his vile standards? Wishing you strength to make him go

So you've never been good enough for him?
Talking about sex and your appearance is really low OP. He's a scumbag.
I could walk around in pjs, scruffy hair, no make up and my DP wouldn't say a thing.
Your partner is horrible and controlling. Best to be gone. Sorry OP.

Sounds like the best thing this guy has ever done for you is leave you - really you should thank him (and dont let him backtrack and give you "one more chance"). Then invest in some heavy grade therapy for yourself so you understand why he made you happy.

Sorry to be blunt OP but I wish people with children would set their standards higher about who they’re willing to bring into their children’s lives. You do realise your children are witnessing his fucked up behaviour, it’s affecting their home with their mum and will very probably affect their own ability to form healthy relationships If you can’t get rid of him for yourself, do it for them. You have a chance to model strength and self respect to them, please do it.

@autumnboys

You wouldn’t eat a cake made with 10% shit. I think you will look back one day and realise this has been a lucky escape.

Howling at this comment, so true!

I was going to commiserate but now I practically feel I should congratulate you for your lucky escape.

Standards! Wanker.

You don't want your children growing up in a home where someone is awful 10% of the time. This is not a good relationship for you and it's not a good one for your children to see. People in healthy relationships don't have a go at someone who they are supposed to love about cleaning.

I agree with people saying that he's wearing you down further and further and this is likely to be part of the process.

You will get through this. Post in legal when you need help with the financial side of things.

If someone has very high standards of cleaning and high demands of sex then it doesn't really make sense to move in with a mother of 2 children.

What @GeorginaTheGiant said. You were good enough when he wanted the equity from your house sale and now he's got it, suddenly you don't provide enough sex, clean well enough etc.

You need to stop thinking about how amazing this man was and start thinking about protecting that money.

Is he offering to move out? Are you able to afford the mortgage on your own? Will the deed of trust protect your investment if he decides he's entitled to that money?

You need to think about your standards and all the ways in which this man hasn't met them.

I bet at the least he’s having an emotional affair with another woman (or man). How open is he with his phone? Either way as I’ve learnt - when someone shows you what they really are, believe them. Ask him to leave while to give you both space to decide what to do and in the meantime make sure you properly assess any joint assets and get advice on the way forward - even if it means the house has to be sold.

@WinterSunglasses has given you an excellent reply. I agree...don't hang around waiting for him to decide what he's going to do. Take control straight away.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

He does not sound like a great loss to me...

This.

He has done you a favour.

He is making you struggle to reach his impossibly high bar.

Protect yr financial assets. Take time with yr daughters.

Xx

Being a 10% controlling arse is enough for coercive control.
How could you not have been walking on eggshells

Gosh he sounds absolutely vile. You've had a lucky escape, can you spend today getting him out the house?

Actually I don't think people should be so sure that there is another relationship behind this, it could just be a way of ratcheting up the abuse. Next step would be when he gives the OP "one last chance" then ups the control and the punishment once she's shown she cant cope (thinks she cant cope) without him. There is an abuser's playbook as well as a cheater's playbook you know.

If his standards are so high then he can bugger off and be on his own and not click his fingers to make you jump!
I know you can't see it right now but he's just saved you from a life of misery.

You wouldn’t eat a cake made with 10% shit.

This this this.

There’s always the chance there’s another woman. However, I’m going to be really harsh (sorry) but I’ve dumped 2 boyfriends in the past right out of the blue. They both said they didn’t see it coming. One literally turned up at my house for a cosy night in and I finished it. I know it’s not what you want to hear but sometimes people just change their mind. I’m so genuinely sorry and hope you can move past it, sending hugs 🤗

Thanks for all the messages- I've taken advice and gone pragmatic etc with him.

This behaviour as in the moods only started when we bought the house, I always put it down to being his issue.

Anyway i am going to go to my mums on the weekend with my dds (they are with their dad at the moment) and when I get back once the kids are in bed I'll talk to him.

Gosh, he sounds like hard work!

If this all started after you bought the house, and you provided the deposit, do you think there's a chance he did it for the money, because he thinks he can get you to pay him a cash sum to leave?

My friend's boyfriend did this. Couldn't affird his own place, friend was much wealthier and he got put on the mortgage to pay a smaller share with no deposit (which he didnt pay most months anyway) then cheated on her with a woman he met through the mutual hobby they all shared.

Then refused to sign over the house to her until she paid him x thousand, really strung it out to try and get more money. All the time he had the other woman lined up to love in with and they've now bought a house together, using my friend's money as a deposit.

No we legally protected my deposit, indeed he is the high earner and has to keep a good credit rating for his job.

Hes not done this for money as he has ploughed cash into the house which he won't get back

Sounds like he is keeping you on ice while exploring other options. Dating apps possibly? People are devious and it takes a few minutes to setup a profile and message women. It's easy to stay under the radar.

How awful op, what a shock. And to be heart broken and having to be pragmatic at the same time is hard. Can you buy him out and keep the house?

Don't go to your mum's! Most of the money in that house is what YOU put in. Don't leave your home .