Dp ended it out of the blue

[1moreRep]

So I can't believe I'm writing this. Last week I was literally daydreaming of dp proposing, and this morning he's told me he's really unhappy and is thinking about ending it. I've agreed to give him space but since then It's like he's had a personality transplant, become all mean, as if he's emotionally cut me off.

we own a house together (the sale of my last place was the deposit but we have a deed of trust to protect that money) have 2 dogs and I have 2 dds 11 and 9, from a previous relationship.

We both work and have alright jobs but I'm literally in my dream home and feel like he's pulled out the rug from under my feet. We only bought the house 15 months ago, and we're talking of marriage recently. I am just heartbroken

Shocked and trying to understand where this has come from

Never mind if he is happy or not. Are YOU happy with a relationship where you are picked on all the time for not living up to impossibly high standards? Why does he get to decide what the standards are anyway, are you not both allowed input in your relationship?

Thanks for the kind messages, I feel so low. I have taken the kids to their sports class and then stayed for mine, left half way through as I was going to cry. I've spoken to friends who are just as shocked as me.

I'm going to give myself a few days to get my head together

“He has really high cleaning standards but we tend to do it together but often mine isn't right.

Used to be my appearance, as in effort made, then sex etc etc I do make an effort, I always initiate sex etc”

This made me feel a bit sick for you, OP. This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship where you’re constantly striving to measure up and win crumbs of approval and affection from him. Such a poor model of a relationship for your DD. Thank God it’s over.

It’s hard now, OP, and I’m sorry for your pain but no way should you ever have been contemplating marrying this man. He likes to keep you insecure and over time it would have destroyed you. He sounds awful. Truly, he’s done you a favour. Let him go.

You might benefit from The Freedom Programme and doing some serious work on your boundaries.

He has really high cleaning standards but we tend to do it together but often mine isn't right.

Used to be my appearance, as in effort made, then sex etc etc I do make an effort, I always initiate sex etc

Do you see how abusive this is? Controlling! And now he is using your being unable to live up to his (impossible) standards as a reason t9 dump you. I guarantee there’s another poor sap woman waiting in the wings.

Based on his cleaning standards and his sex expectations alone, why would even consider wanting to marry him?? He sounded like a turd before he made this revelation about being unhappy.

@1moreRep

I know as I'm writing this how fucked up the relationship was/is - but I thought he was happy

He thinks we're more friends, but that's what a good relationship is based on right ?

He doesn't sound like much of a friend either.

If he was so critical of you, did that extend to your children too?

He really doesn't seem very nice at all.

Difficult as it is, it doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships tbh so it finishing could be a blessing in disguise. Are you supposed to "raise your standards" to persuade him to stay then spend the rest of your life worrying about keeping him happy, sod that!

Sounds very likely to be a 'had his head turned' catalyst here even if nothing's actually happened yet. Otherwise he'd have carried on getting the satisfaction he evidently gets from telling you your efforts aren't good enough. Now he gets the satisfaction of putting you in your place once and for all while swanning off into the sunset. Double win for him!

The best approach is one that works either for the situation @Nousernameforme described, where he is hoping you'll go into 'tearful apology and promise to do so much better' mode, or where he is more slanted towards ending it for good. That is to go totally cool and pragmatic with him. Agree that your relationship is over but ask him when he's moving out, don't help him sort out anything, make it clear he has to find somewhere. You need stability for your DC and to have space to start your new life without him. Don't beg him to come back, act as if you're not going to look back now, you're moving on. I know that will require your best acting skills but really grit your teeth and do it. Whatever his real intentions, it will deny him the satisfaction of controlling the situation and disconcert him that you aren't dancing to his tune. He may even backtrack on the speed of all this. Don't just reverse it all if he does. Stick with this approach until you feel more in control again.

When you meet one of his standards, does he then move the goal posts and give you have new standards to meet?

I think you've had a lucky escape he sounds controlling and unpleasant.

Honestly he sounds like a loser

I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP, but I love the support you are getting. Mumsnet at its best.

@OldWomanSaysThis

When you meet one of his standards, does he then move the goal posts and give you have new standards to meet?

Yes - every time

What’s to like about him??

Thank the Lord!
This is an unhealthy relationship for you and your daughters.

He has done you a HUGE favour OP. His behaviour sounds very abusive. I think if you were really honest with yourself you’re going to miss the ‘dream house’ more than the twat of a man yes?

I think it sounds like you’re very lucky he has decided to end it!

This is no way to live- and it isn’t happiness.

It doesn’t feel like it now- but this is a blessing.

Lean on your friends, have a cry, and then think of the wonderful future you have to look forward to. 💐

He is amazing in so many other ways, he is only like this 10% of the time, I just can't believe it, but I'm trying to accept it's over. I just want to cry, i would explain they shitty behaviour away as his stress and he would always apologise, always

I just can't believe he would be this cruel abs change his whole approach to me if he loved me, I feel such a mug

10% abusive is 10% too much
He's got you doubting yourself and no doubt his impossible standards have wrecked your self esteem you're just too ground down to acknowledge that.
If he genuinely wants to split and isn't just trying to destabilise you further then he'll be doing you a favour.
If you can't see that this relationship needs to end for you then think about your children. What an appalling model of relationships they are seeing. How would you feel if they ended up in relationships like yours?

You wouldn’t eat a cake made with 10% shit. I think you will look back one day and realise this has been a lucky escape.

10% of the time is too much. Far too much. How much of the other 90% of the time are you waiting for the 10% of him picking at you and criticizing to start? Is he only nice the other 90% because you are doing exactly what he wants? Is he really amazing, or is he just not being outright unpleasant?

You wanted to marry this twat? Why? Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your days? If you cant dump this loser for yourself have a thought for your children witnessing this behaviour every day. Their future relationships will be affected by the behaviour you model. Just let the fucker go, and the sooner the better

This is a blessing in disguise.

I honestly think as a pp said you will look back and think what a lucky escape.

He doesn't sound nice at all.

He is amazing in so many other ways, he is only like this 10% of the time

Even 1% of the games he is playing is too much.

but I thought he was happy

Interesting his needs are uppermost in your mind, not your own. Do you always prioritise him?

My DP is definitely tidier than me, and he is a sahd atm, and he does get grumpy with my untidiness occasionally, which is usually somewhat justified. If he ever tried to set me standards, I would tear him a new one. As would most women who have had predominantly healthy relationships and who understand boundaries.

The fact that you have accepted this as the norm makes me wonder how your previous relationships have been. You are not his cleaner, or employee. You are his partner. Maybe the freedom programme will help shed light on his and your behaviour.