In love after 4 months, meetings kids

[Anxiouspiggie]

I have been seeing someone for coming up to 4 months now. Due to us both having kids we currently on see each other two or three nights a week when we are both child free. I am thinking of suggesting that maybe one night a week he comes round when I have my two DDs here.

I have completely fallen for this man but we have never really discussed feelings or where our relationship is going so I am a bit nervous about suggesting this.

I really miss him when I don't see him which can sometimes be nearly 6 days between seeing each other. Should I suggest it? Is it too soon?

How old are your kids? I wouldn’t introduce him as your boyfriend just yet, maybe have him round for dinner as a ‘friend’ (and avoid cuddling/kissing him in front of your kids) so they can meet him without the pressure of meeting him as your boyfriend

Far too soon IMO. Your sex life should be separate from your DC for a good while yet.

Plus current covid rules, if that applies in your area.

I don’t think there is an issue with introducing him as a friend and treating him as such in front of the kids. I think it’s too early to introduce him as your boyfriend.

My kids are 7 and 9. Due to work, I would suggest he came round a bit later in the evening maybe about 8ish so that the kids would be nearly settled for bed.

I think you probably need to chat with him first and check you're on the same page. If he sees this as a casual thing and you're in love, that could be tricky to navigate and your children shouldn't be added into the mix...

4 months is way way too early.

No Covid issues in my area at the moment and I think I would choose to bubble up with him if there were anyway.

It's too soon and pretty selfish really.
You don't know if this will work out so why bring him into your childrens lives? It's selfish to bring someone into their lives so soon where they risk becoming attached when for all you know it won't last.

You said you only see each other 2 or 3 nights a week, that's LOADS, especially early on.

Also you haven't discussed feelings or where it is going, yet think you should bring him around your children? that just shows that you have not thought this through carefully and maturely.

Don't do it. Why should your children have to tolerate your shag's company?

Do you only meet up in your home for sex? Or do you go out on dates?

Too soon
And the idea of bringing him in to meet them just before bed it’s nuts sorry

Yes we go on dates, cook together when at home... it's not just sex!

Honestly it’s too soon. Me and my bf have been together nearly 2 years. We fell for each other very hard very soon - however we kept at seeing each other every Wednesday and every other weekend ONLY (the days I didn’t have my kids) for the first 16 months. It was difficult as we were both smitten but it made it so exciting and meant every time we saw each other we could be adults together (if you know what I mean 😜). He does occasionally come over now on nights I have the kids but it’s not the same. You see each other plenty. Enjoy your times together and enjoy your time with just you and your kids too. Best of both worlds!

Way too soon!!!

It's way too soon for meeting the kids.

When I knew DP was a keeper I very gently started telling my DC that I was meeting my friend 'John' at the weekend or that I had been to x with John so they had a chance to get to know I had a friend called 'John' before there was any chance of them ever meeting.

We then (a year into the relationship) went out to a cafe with a park for lunch one Saturday and gradually built it up from there. Really slow paced so the kids could get to know him on their own terms. He occasionally came over for dinner (then went home) before he ever stayed over and actually, in the end it was my youngest DC who asked if 'John' could stay over.

Four months in you have no idea how he feels or how this will pan out. If it's forever then you have plenty of time!

Oh and first time he meets them probably shouldn’t be in the evening at yours ... try a nice walk in the woods or something first 🤷‍♀️

If you haven't talked to him about feelings yet then isn't it far, far too soon to introduce him to your children?

I know there's lots of naysayers here but as long as you both think it's for the long term then introduce him slowly - I suggest the park where then can dip in and out of meeting him. Mine are older and I introduced straight away, our thinking was that they were better off knowing what was going on

I think I'd have a conversation with him about where things are heading before introducing him to your DC. But I'd say it's OK to introduce him (without staying over) to your children at this point depending on them (are they relatively settled? do they see their Dad and therefore not looking for a father figure? do you think they'll be anxious about this or take it in their stride? etc etc).

I actually found it better to introduce DS to boyfriends (not that there were many!) relatively early, maybe 4-6 months rather than the year-18 months that is usually suggested on MN. I found it was important for me to see how they interacted with DS (on a low level) before we were too entwined as a couple and it showed me aspects of their personality that I wouldn't have seen without the introduction. It was also useful to hear how they spoke about DS and/or my parenting to me. For DS, they were just mummy's friends he had met a few times so he wasn't bothered about not seeing them again but he was quite little at the time so it will be different with older kids.

Bringing him round in the evening when they are about to go to bed is odd. You don't know him that well yet and this is your children's home-their safe place. What you are proposing seems completely inappropriate.

Meet at the park or go for a walk. Do you have mutual friends? How much do you know about him that isn't just what he has told you?

If you proposed this idea without a proper conversation it sounds like you are just inviting him over for sex, not a meaningful step in your relationship.

@Anxiouspiggie

Yes we go on dates, cook together when at home... it's not just sex!

I asked this because you wrote

I have completely fallen for this man but we have never really discussed feelings or where our relationship is going so I am a bit nervous about suggesting this.

It's worrying you daren't discuss your feelings with this man, yet are willing to involve him with your DC - and I wondered if he was just coming round for sex with no thoughts of feelings or a future with you.

You've had no discussion about your feelings or where you both see the relationship going... yet you want to introduce him to your children.

Really?

I actually knew him years ago and we got back in touch recently and just hit it off. We have mutual friends and he is honestly a very good man.

We are both quite similar though. I am shy and worried about being honest with how I feel as I fear rejection massively. I am the first person he has been with for a few years.

He has his DS every weekend at the moment so it makes spending days at the weekend together challenging.

If you suggest it and he doesn't say it's too soon, he's not worth his salt.

If you can't have an honest conversation with him about your feelings and future then how on earth are you going to navigate all the pitfalls of beginning to introduce two families?

Will you be your children's advocate or will you capitulate to his whims because you find talking to him difficult?